Fabian was in the middle of a most excellent dream in which he was stealing a jewel-encrusted crown off of a king's head, when he was shaken vigorously awake. He opened his eyes to see Brandon sitting astride him and shaking his shoulders.

"What's the big idea, Scrote?"

"It's nearly midnight, sir. We need to go pick that nightshade."

"Yes, of course," Fabian said as he rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. "I was just about to suggest that." He looked up at the stars and determined midnight was about fifteen minutes away. "Hey, you almost let me oversleep. I ought to smack you around a bit for that."

"I'll be sure to administer a good smacking to myself on your behalf, sir."

They made their way back towards the swamp, which was lit up by hordes of those bright flying lights. "Damn it, those things are getting to be a real pain in the ass. Scrote, you're going to have to distract them while I pull out a couple of those nightshade roots."

"What if they lure me back into the bog?"

"Then we'll fish you back out again. Jeez, Scrote. Why do you waste my time asking stupid questions?"

"Sorry, sir. I just have a very irrational fear of suffocating in quicksand."

"There's nothing irrational about that. Who isn't afraid of suffocating in quicksand? It certainly doesn't sound like a fun time, does it? Now stop saying idiotic things and go distract the will-o'-the-wisp."

"Yes, sir," Brandon said as he stepped out from the treeline. Instantly the bright lights began swarming around him. He decided to stand perfectly still so they couldn't force him to go anywhere he didn't want to go. They started to fly closer and closer to his face and soon started zapping him with what felt like little electrical shocks. They were more of an annoyance than anything, but they kept coming with increasing frequency. "Are you almost finished, sir? I'd like to get away from these things."

"Keep your panties on," Fabian said as he watched the progress of the moon across the sky. "We've got to time this right or we're going to have another mess on our hands." When he judged that it was midnight on the dot he pulled up a root. This time it emerged plump and glowing a bright shiny red color. He pulled three more roots just to be safe. They were a little bulky given his small size, but he figured he could get the kid to carry them if they started getting heavy. "All right, get yourself out of that swarm of flying lights and let's go find that foot flower."

"I would love to do that very much, sir, but I don't know how to get them to go away."

"Why don't you try taking a whiz on them?"

"A whiz, sir?"

"Yeah. I bet they don't like being peed on. Most things don't."

"I don't think I can do that. I have a very shy bladder. I have to be completely alone in the dark to do my business."

"Oh, for crying out loud," Fabian said. "Just hold still. I'll come pee on you."

"Are you sure this is going to work, sir?"

"No, but I need to take a major leak, so it's worth a shot." He unzipped his fly as he approached the swirling mass of lights that orbited Brandon. As soon as he let fly with a stream of urine, the lights scattered and disappeared into the swamp.

"Thank you, sir. You can stop peeing on me now. They're gone."

"Everybody knows you can't just stop mid-stream. Let me finish."

"Well could you at least point your flow somewhere else? You're splashing all over my legs."

"Don't ever tell me what to do, Scrote," Fabian said as he squeezed out the last couple drops and zipped up. "I'm the boss of this operation. Plus, I've saved your neck several times. What does a little bit of piss on your pants matter in light of that?"

"I suppose that's true."

"It's one hundred percent true. Are you suggesting I'm a liar?"

"No, sir."

"Good. Now carry these roots and let's go find that stupid flower so we can get back to our normal size and stop getting pushed around by lame things like dwarfs and floating glow sticks."

They made their way around the edge of the swamp. It took a couple hours but they finally found the flower. It was unmistakable as it looked exactly like a foot with lots of crusty skin and cracked yellow toenails. The smell coming off the thing was pungent and powerful.

"So we've really got to lick this thing?" Fabian asked.

"That's what the nice tree lady said," Brandon agreed.

"And you're sure you've never touched a woman? Not even a little finger action?"

"I'm positive, sir," Brandon said. "To be honest, girls kind of scare me. I don't know what to say to them and I get all sweaty and flushed when they're around."

"Remind me when this is over to take you to a brothel. We'll at least get you a handjob or something. Whatever the cheapest item on the menu is. In the meantime, why don't you lick the flower, just in case she's mistaken about how to make it bloom?"

"You think the magical dryad who's going to break our enchantment doesn't know what she's talking about? She was right about the nightshade roots, wasn't she?"

"Damn it, Scrote, I'm tired of you second guessing me all the time. What if that thing's poisonous? What if its very touch causes you to drop dead? I need to know these things before I risk it. So that's why you're going to lick it first. Plus, maybe you accidentally brushed against a boob in a crowd or something. Maybe that will count. We need to cover all our bases here before I lick that thing."

"Well, okay," Brandon said as he closed his eyes and ran his tongue along the sole of the foot. Nothing happened to the flower, but Brandon began immediately retching. "Holy cow, that's the most disgusting thing I've ever tasted in my life."

"You obviously never tried my ex-wife's cooking," Fabian said. "All right, well here goes nothing I guess." He leaned in and licked between the toes, The flower immediately opened up and blew a cloud of foot funk into Fabian's face. "Oh man, you're not kidding. That's really foul." Fabian bent over and puked voraciously on the ground. "All right, well we'd better extract some of this nectar and get back to that dryad."

"I'm on it," Brandon said as he plugged his nose and approached the flower with a little pouch. "I have to say this is not really what I thought being on a quest would be like."

"Welcome to the life of being a great hero and adventurer. It's not all glory and babes, that's for sure. Sometimes you've got to lick a few nasty feet along the way."