A buzzing disturbance pulsates, shaking her entire being ever-so-slightly. As if in harmony with the vibrations the last piano string, hitting it not quite periodically, but again and again. She noticed the sensation when she was aware of her outside world, but at the moment everything had fallen into an ugly, numbing disturbance.

Why am I here? What good am I? What would happen if I were to stop existing at this moment? Why do I feel so... I don't even know how I feel. Sometimes sad, sometimes frustrated, sometimes scared, sometimes in dislike of myself. I am alone, as is everyone, but perhaps everyone is moving forward and I am being left behind alone.

Why did I kill you, Vlad? Duty. Why does it still trouble me? I do not regret it, and I cannot imagine any path of existence without it. Why does it still trouble me? I have finally stopped seeking other paths, but I cannot help but wonder why are things the way they are. Why must they occur in this manner? What does it all mean? What is the meaning of me?

Why am I the way I am? 

Time and time again, the same doubts surface again. No matter how much I seem to convince myself, no matter how many times he tries too, I simply cannot believe them. Or perhaps I do, but the littles step in the direction of those doubts stir them... and I fear I may not be able to bear them, if I cannot figure this out soon.

What do I have to do to make myself better? 

I wish I had the strength to sit back for a while and observe. I came to terms with it too, but it was as if I forced myself into disarray. One moment everything is fine and everything makes sense, but the next everything hurts and I feel like the worst being in all of existence.

I never thought there would come a moment where I missed my past self, but here it is.

It is okay. I think it is all okay, mostly. But something is wrong, just a little bit, and it pulsates. A constant buzzing in the back of my mind, and I don't want that. I do not want to waste the time I have spent in confusion. 

I think about the things you've told me. Did you find the world meaningless? Do you? It is hard to find meaning nowadays. Some days are nice and quiet, but noise fizzles up and aches, often without warning. I am trying to expect it, but it is difficult to predict life.

Perhaps this thing that is wrong with me has been here since the beginning of my time, and with something new it is coming out in a different, more bothersome manner, and it is finally showing me my faults. 

Humans often seek the help of others in such situations, do they not? I am a little scared to do that. I do not wish to drive those that are precious to me away. I do not know what I can tell them, anyway, and I do not wish to wholly share my mind with them. 

Do I wish to be happy? Do I wish to feel fulfilled? Do I wish to believe in my duty? Do I wish to die? Or do I wish to want something?

Want something... I am sure such a things exists. I am sure I am not devoid of feelings. What do I want? I think I simply want someone to answer all the questions I have and take away this numbing, badgering ball of confusion away from. Will I believe their answers?

Perhaps it is time I properly attempt to seek answers. I have to be patient and force myself to observe and not let things affect me. I have to be careful so that I don't lose the good things I have. It is possible I will not find any answers, but I have to try.

Is this what you always did? I've always admired you so, so much Elek. I hope you know how amazing you are, because you are. Your departure has changed my life forever, but I try to hold you close as much as I can.

Galen, thank you so much for all the ways you have been wonderful to me. I cannot imagine my existence without you. I hope I have been as good to you, and I hope I can continue to be that.

Jay, thank you for being an all-pervasive pillar of support, all the time, everywhere. Even if I don't have you anymore, thinking about all the things you've given me gives me immense comfort. 

Jack, I love you very much. Thank you for being the best brother, the best culmination of all that is good. I am sorry that I haven't been a better sister. I hope I aways continue to improve. That is all I ask for - to keep getting better. I cannot lose you. I must do better.

I must get better.

My friends are wonderful people, and I can never thank them enough for all that they have done for me. I hope everything will be wonderful for them, as that is what they deserve.

Aurelia, perhaps the best being I have ever known. I wish to contact her more often. Why does she not contact me? I wonder who thinks of me, ever. Does anyone think of anyone else? I certainly do.

My parents were so, so incredible too. Even if I don't particularly like myself at the moment, they gave me myself and I will always be grateful. They deserve a world of best.

Everyone deserves the best.

Iris, I want to be the best I can for you. I have to, I simply have to.

I must learn.

.

.

.

Other than our components from Nature, what makes us different from sentient beings? Anyway, I do not think being sentient is bad. It is difficult, complicated and messy. It can be very nice, and it can be horrible. It can be so incredibly confusing and frustrating, and it can be quiet. I seem to be stuck, but I hope I can fix myself soon.

It is only then that I may give back to the world.