76. Decisions
I closed my eyes and pressed a hand over my mouth, trying not to vomit. Against Legolas's advice, I'd gone back to look for Haldir. And I'd found him.
I took a long, shaky breath and opened my eyes. I was back in Èowyn's room, hiding from the world and trying to pull myself back together. Haldir's sword rested on the bed beside me, and longbow leaned in the corner. Both were stained with blood, but undamaged. I'd luckily remembered to grab them before running out, saving them from being thrown in a pile and losing all identity.
A low creak rumbled from the door hinges. "Amariel."
I looked up, finding Dwalin standing just inside the room. I took a shaky breath and let it out, rubbing my face. "What do you want?"
"To talk." He closed the door behind him and leaned his ever-present axe against the wall. Crossing his arms, he added, "You fought well today. And last night. And though I'm disappointed to find you hidin' in here, snivelling over a dead Elf, I cannot deny you've matured."
A low growl rose up from my chest. He was manipulating me; I could hardly bear the sight of him. Standing, I crossed my arms over my stomach and turned my back to him. "What are you doing here, Dwalin? Not here, as in the room. Here, as in Rohan. Looking for me. What do you really want?"
A hesitation. "I forgot how perceptive you are."
I pressed my palms to my eyes. "Just cut to the chase!"
Another hesitation. "We need you, Amariel. Some fool from the Iron Hills has come to claim the throne of Erebor."
Frowning, I turned to look at Dwalin. "Who is he?"
Dwalin calmly met my gaze. "Thorin Stonehelm. Son of Dàin Ironfoot. They've been threatening to come for some time, but it seems this lad is ready to be a puppet."
I swallowed and looked down. "What's so bad about letting him take the throne?" I asked softly. "He's probably spent his whole life learning political workings. He might even enjoy it."
"Amariel," Dwalin sighed, "you don't understand the situation in Ereb—"
"And whose fault is that!?" I clenched my hands and glared at him.
"Yours!" he bellowed. "For leaving!"
I bristled. "Even when I was there, you never told me anything! You just whipped me...for things I didn't do!" Tears poked at the back of my eyes at the memory. But I didn't let my glare soften. If anything, it got colder.
Dwalin exhaled sharply. "It was only once. I didn't know better at the time."
Having to blink back tears, I whispered, "You admit it—and still you don't apologize."
"I'm not sorry," he replied matter-of-factly. "As I said, I didn't know better. It was my job to discipline you, to prepare you for your future."
I scoffed angrily, a tear slipping out. I forcefully brushed it away. "And you expect me to just...go back with you."
Dwalin looked me in the eye. "No. I don't. But I'm asking you to."
Footsteps echoed through the hall outside, then the door burst open. Legolas's keen blue eyes took in the situation, and he strode over to me, wrapping his arms around my shoulders. "What are you doing here?" he snarled at Dwalin.
"Speaking with the crown princess regarding matters you have no business in."
Legolas placed his hand under my chin, pulling my gaze up to his. "Shall I remove him from your presence?"
I gave Legolas a weak smile and looked at Dwalin. "I need time. To think, to recover...can I speak with Legolas please?"
Dwalin opened his mouth to say something, hesitated, then shut it. With a single nod, he grabbed his axe and walked out, pulling the door closed behind him.
I turned to Legolas and buried my face in his chest, clutching his tunic as the tears began to overflow.
"Eda..." He held me close, rubbing my back and caressing my hair. "Shh...whatever this is...things will be alright."
"He...he wants me to go back," I sobbed quietly. "He wants me to become Queen of Erebor."
Legolas's hands stilled. "Now?"
"I guess."
He took me by the shoulders and gently pushed me back enough that he could look me in the eye. "You aren't going...are you?"
More tears slipped down as I tore my gaze away. "I don't know," I sighed.
"Eda, you can't! That Dwarf, he beat you unjustly. Nothing can rationalize following him back to a situation you escaped."
I sighed and shrugged off his hands. "Legolas...I don't really think you understand."
"I understand all that I need to, and Eda, there is no good reaso—"
"Where is Aragorn?" I interrupted. My voice sounded as tired as I felt.
Hurt registered in Legolas's eyes, but he quickly covered it. "He's helping collect the dead. He was working just outside the breached wall, last I saw."
Regret flashed through me for brushing Legolas aside. Putting my hands on his chest, I stood up on tiptoes and kissed him softly. "I'm sorry," I said gently. "I just...I need to talk to him for awhile, okay?"
Legolas swallowed and nodded. "I understand." He returned a kiss, then let me go. "I'll be waiting."
* * *
It wasn't too hard to find Aragorn—right in the center of the work, shouting instructions to others, even as he did twice the work expected of him despite his injured arm. Unsurprisingly, at my request he dropped what he was doing and took me somewhere quiet to talk.
"...and that's what happened," I said, concluding my tsunamical monologue. "I don't feel like Legolas understands...so that's why I came to see you."
Aragorn thoughtfully ran his fingers over the stubble on his chin, eyebrows furrowed. "Honestly, I doubt that he would. True, he is a prince, and he is expected to take up the crown of Mirkwood when his father dies or sails west. However, there is nothing dishonorable about the position. A great burden, yes. But for you and me, there is shame in the past."
I nodded. "Yeah."
"Is that the reason you resist going back?"
I blinked, completely taken aback. "I...I had kinda been hoping you'd take Legolas's side on this."
Aragorn chuckled and put a hand on my shoulder, squeezing lightly. "You hoped I would say what you wanted to hear, rather than what you needed?"
I sighed, resting my elbows on my knees and burying my face in my hands. "I had hoped they'd be the same thing."
Aragorn folded his hands in his lap and said, "I'm afraid not." He was quiet for a moment, then he said, "In short, you either you go back to Erebor and claim the throne, or you don't. Face your fate and claim your destiny, or cling to your freedom and spend your life running."
I scowled in frustration. "You know, everything you say applies to you, too."
Aragorn chuckled. "I know. I've been pondering the matter for some time now."
Sighing, I said, "I'm sure you have. It's just...even now, we aren't the same. You're a natural leader. People respect you, because they want to. But me...I'm just the result of a foolish cross-racial infatuation. Hated by Elves for being half-Dwarf, hated by Dwarves for being half-Elf. Belonging nowhere but the very space I choose to occupy."
Aragorn was quiet for a long, heavy moment. Then he said softly, "The Elves—they ask Illùvatar to grant them children. And, as best I can tell as an unmarried Man, it is a method that works. For that reason, Elves believe life is sacred, and a gift bestowed from Eru Illùvatar. Do you believe that?"
I swallowed hard. It was a question I'd strugged with earlier in my life, and the only answer I found was to avoid thinking about it altogether. So I shrugged. "I don't know. I guess."
"Do you believe Illùvatar has the right to deny their requests?"
I frowned. "I guess so...?"
Aragorn placed a hand on my back, and I turned to meet his gaze. "Then you would inherently believe that every life He does place on Arda, has a very specific purpose and meaning. Whether Elvish, Dwarvish, Human...or a mix...each of us have a role that we are meant to play in the story unfolding around us. You are no exception, Eda."
I swallowed and looked away. "I don't know, Aragorn...more often than not, I feel like the one piece of the puzzle that never fits."
He gently put his arm around me in a friendly side-hug. "One day, Eda, you're going to find your place. You'll understand why you never fit anywhere else...and the time you spent waiting will be worth it."
I didn't say anything at first. But my thoughts drifted to Haldir's advice to me. To find my identity, my validation, apart from Legolas. Had he known the purpose of Dwalin's coming? Or was I overthinking this?
Finally, I put my arms around Aragorn and squeezed once, sniffing back tears. "I should go tell Legolas." He released me, and I him. Standing, I said, "Thank you. I know what I need to do."
Nodding, Aragorn looked up at me with sad eyes. "We'll miss you."
A tear fell, followed by another. I wiped them off on my shoulder. "I'll miss you guys, too." I swallowed hard. "But...you're right. I have to go."
He nodded again. "Say goodbye before you leave."
"Of course." I took a deep breath, then let it out. "Thanks again."
Aragorn smiled and stood, walking back toward the wall. "Any time."
I headed back for Èowyn's room, still trying to stifle tears. I desperately tried to talk myself out of going to my least favorite place with my least favorite person—but Aragorn's advice held true. I couldn't keep running.
My resolve was tested when I bumped into said least favorite person.
"Watch where you're bloody goi—oh, Amariel. My apologies."
I nodded, not making eye contact. "S'okay Dwalin. Um...I'll be going with you."
"You will?" He didn't quite keep the shock out of his tone.
"Yeah," I answered, still not looking at him. I didn't feel like getting a talking-to for being weepy.
"We'll be leaving in the morning, then. And...thank you."
I finally, reluctantly, met his gaze. His eyes were steely as ever—but perhaps not as cold. Still not ready to trust him, I said, "I'm not doing it for you." I moved past him, then hesitated. Dwalin was not someone I wanted for a long-term enemy. "But you're welcome anyway," I added softly. Not waiting for him to answer, I hurried down the corridor.
As promised, Legolas was waiting for me in Èowyn's room. As soon as I walked in, he looked up from inspecting Haldir's sword. "Eda!" he exclaimed, setting the weapon down. He started toward me, then hesitated, uncertainty crossing his expression.
I winced. "Legolas," I sighed, again regretting my behavior toward him earlier. Crossing the distance between us, I put my arms around his waist and rested my head on his chest. "I love you...you know that, right?" I asked softly. I didn't want him to doubt it when I broke the news to him. But a depraved voice in the back of my mind assured me that, after I told him my plan, he would anyway.
"Of course," Legolas answered, a note of hesitation in his tone. "Eda, what's wrong?"
I swallowed hard. "Um...could we...maybe just lie down for a few minutes?" What little time we had left together, I desperately wanted to make the most of.
"Alright." Legolas led me to the bed, and I kicked off my boots. He helped me take off my armor, which ended up in an ungraceful heap on the floor. He took off his as well, then we stretched out side-by-side on the bed, still dressed in our regular clothes. Legolas propped himself up on one elbow and looked down at me, his expression concerned. "Now, do you want to tell me what this is all about?"
I shook my head, taking handfuls of his tunic and just holding him close, memorizing what it felt like to have him so close. "No...not yet."
"Eda." Legolas leaned down and kissed me, then pulled back, affectively making me look at him. "You're scaring me. Please...tell me what's going on."
A tear trickled out the corner of my eye, and I looked away. I couldn't do this. I couldn't do this to him.
"Damn it Eda! Are you—are you dying?" Naked fear laced his tone, but even more than that was just the desperation to know the truth. Rather than assuming the worst.
"No," I answered, finally looking at him.
"Thank Illùvatar," he breathed, letting his head sag in relief. "So...what is it, then?"
"I'm going back to Erebor," I answered softly. "With Dwalin."
Legolas's expression was a kaleidoscope of emotions. Disbelief. Shock. Fear. Pain. Anger. He opened and shut his mouth twice before actually speaking resignedly. "When?"
"In the morning," I whispered. As the pain in my heart grew, I clutched Legolas closer. He responded by wrapping his arms around me and squeezing with all his strength. With him holding me together, I finally let myself fall apart. A ragged gasp shook my entire body, and I began to sob.
Mercifully, Legolas didn't say anything. He just held me tight against his chest, until I ran out of tears and began breathing evenly again. When I pulled back, there were tears in his eyes, too.
"Please don't leave me," he whispered, a single tear falling.
"Oh Legolas..." I gently wiped away the moisture, then kissed the eye it'd fallen from. "Let's not think about it, okay?"
He looked at me for a long moment, then nodded resignedly and lay down. I snuggled into his chest, trying not to think what a bittersweet memory tonight would make.
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