Cuzco, Peru,

February 12

Guntur,

When I'm sending this postcard, it's two days before Valentine's Day. I usually don't celebrate it, after all, why should wait a year to show someone that you love him/her? But here I am, sending you my love and wishing I could teleport myself there to shower you with love. Machu Picchu was simply amazing! The trekking was hard, but it totally paid off! The hardest trekking I'd ever had. Got some bruises here and there, but I'm okay. I miss you more and more every day. Time seems running extremely slow here. But, there's a mission I need to accomplish.

Kiss,

K

***

Quito, Ecuador,

February 25

Guntur,

Sorry for not writing to you from Lima. I was in such a rush that I decided to stay there for one night only, and then moving on the north. Quito, to my surprise, is more beautiful than Lima. Every corner in this city feels like those old photos I used to see in the historical books. Nothing much has changed. The building, colorful roof, tiles, the cobblestone street, and the church! There are 86 churches here (Or so, I was told) and when the bells ring at the same time, I put on the headphone and raise the volume. Can you imagine how noisy it is? Expect to get a postcard from Colombia, my love. Impossible not to think about you every time I sit down by myself and writing these words.

Love,

K

***

Bogotá, Colombia,

March 1

Guntur,

Reached Bogotá yesterday early in the morning and went directly to Tequendama Falls. The fall is quite challenging to the point of dangerous. From what I read and told, it's three times higher than Niagara Falls. My body was protesting that I just fell asleep last night and skipping my dinner and bath. If you were here, I would not stand near you because I smelled really bad! :) I went to this bookstore, called Librería Bucholz and it's one of the best bookshops I've ever been since I started my South American trip. I think, you're going to love the atmosphere, even though most of the books are in Spanish, but they have a small section of books in English.

Thinking of you,

K

***

Caracas, Venezuela,

March 8

Guntur,

I spent two days in Mérida and stayed with a friend of a friend who introduced us. He speaks no English, so we spoke in Spanish. Been a while since I didn't speak any English at all. And that city in the slope of Andes is simply stunning. It reminds me of Bedugul in some ways. Arrived in Caracas this afternoon and decided to walk a bit in the city. So many motorbikes and skyscrapers! There's a sense of loss after the serenity of Mérida, but it's my first impression. I know there will be more about Caracas.

Kissing you deeply,

K

***

San Jose, Costa Rica,

March 14

Guntur,

Back to real civilization. I met Juan (I told you about him, right?) He took me around and we even hit the dance floor last night! My Latin dance is still incomparable to him. He's in a happy relationship right now and happy about us, too. They're so good together, not to mention how gorgeous his boyfriend is. So good looking that I tried not to keep staring at him. Forgive me, Guntur, but I just couldn't resist :)

Love you lots, dear

K

***

New York,

March 20

Guntur,

It feels so weird being in my apartment again after traveling that has changed me in so many ways. And meeting you was the best thing that happened in my life. I just couldn't wait to finish this mission and hold you and never let go. New York is still busy, still, a city that never sleeps. Went to Broadway last night and saw The Curious Incident of The Dog in The Night Time. I hated the book, but the play was surprisingly really good! The actor who plays Christopher captured the emotion that I didn't get when I read the book. I think it could be our date one day.

Kiss,

K

***

Los Angeles,

April 2

Guntur,

Visiting my sister and my parents and told them every detail of my mission and how we met. They said, in their own way, that I should see you soon and they're curious to know more about you. When I told them, I already did, they looked at me and said, "And why are you still here?" I love them so much for being so supportive. I can't wait to take you here and meet them. They will adore you like I do, well, just not as much. For the first time, I really really wish you were here, Guntur. I don't know how to handle this feeling of missing you so much. I'll meet you soon, okay?

A thousand deep kisses,

K

***

Salzburg, Austria,

April 9

Guntur,

My first postcard from Europe! I'm getting closer! Excited! Europe has always been beautiful during spring. I got a smile on my face just thinking to hold your hands while walking around in Mirabell Palace. I'll definitely steal a kiss from you. Just hold on a little longer, baby. I'll be there shortly. You won't even know how times could pass quickly. I'm listening to Do-Re-Mi while sitting on the grass where Julie Andrews shot the scene in The Sound of Music. Thought it will make you smile

Your admirer,

K

***

Cologne, Germany,

April 13

Guntur,

I'm sitting in a park near Cologne Cathedral where I can see Rheine and also that famous love padlock bridge, Hohenzollernbrücke. While writing you this, I'm thinking of us having our own padlock there. Wouldn't it be romantic? It may sound silly, but I've been doing silly things since I met you because my mind is too occupied by doing things that make you happy. You know how much I love you.

I'm getting closer, baby,

K

***

Amsterdam, Netherlands,

April 15

Guntur,

It feels weird being here because there is sadness I can't fully describe. You've talked about visiting this city so often that I had tears once I stepped my foot outside the Centraal Station. Oh how I wish I could take you here, Guntur. I went to Keukenhof today because I know it will put a smile on your face. There's a temptation of sending this postcard along with my face in it, but I know, you will say I can't keep my promise. So I won't. There can't be any more romantic than strolling along the canal and holding your hand, even though the people here drive their bicycle like they own the road. I guess, they do.

Love,

K

***

Venice, Italy,

April 18

Guntur,

What can I say about Venice? You heard and read a lot about it, that I don't know what else is new. But here is one that probably will surprise you. I went for dinner in Piazza San Marco and I got a look from a guy who sat in the next table. Pretty much like what happened in the movie, when Katharine Hepburn encountered Rossano Brazzi for the first time in Summertime (have we watched this movie together? I can't recall). I smiled and I nodded, and guess what? He walked passed my table and put a note: You're welcome at my room and the address of where he is staying is written there. He's good looking, yes, but I don't understand how he expected me to show up in his room! After all, my boyfriend is way sexier and more adorable than any guy in this world.

I'm still (forever) yours,

K

***

Skopelos, Greece,

April 22

Guntur,

I couldn't help but humming ABBA songs since I got here. After re-watching the movie, we kept singing Mamma Mia! Every single day! Hahaha. We would be singing Dancing Queen or Mamma Mia so loud that people would stare at us. But I wouldn't mind. Just one more stop in Europe and then I'm heading to Asia! Never thought that missing you could be this miserable...

Miss you greatly,

K

***

Istanbul, Turkey,

April 26

Guntur,

Hagia Sophia is ... huuuuuugeeee, baby! Like, if we decided to hide somewhere and kissing, nobody would ever find us. And I really want to take a lot of pictures of you here. I already imagined the spots where you could just stand there and still look handsome. The message will be shorter from now on. Not that I don't want to write you but my excitement of seeing you in just weeks is killing me! I'll save that excitement when we meet.

Kiss,

K

***

Agra, India,

May 1

Guntur,

The most majestic symbol of love is here. The building is proof how love could be so gigantic, not only in terms of meaning but also in shape. This is definitely a place for lovers to see. I may not be able to build you a Taj Mahal, but I could give you all the love I have in me. Never doubt that. Miss you more and more and more.

Your prince,

K

***

Perak, Malaysia,

May 6

Guntur,

Here I am, just a hundred miles away from you but still, you're not here and I'm not there. Just visited Kellie's Castle and yes, it's creepy! But then again, it's one of those symbols of love even when many people don't know about this. Can't wait for the day when we finally will be together again.

Love,

K

***

Kartu pos terakhir yang aku terima dari Keanu menguatkanku. Mengetahui dia bisa ada di Bali kapan saja, membuat keinginanku bertahan menjadi semakin besar.

Sejak meninggalkan Bali enam bulan lalu, aku memintanya agar tidak mengirimiku pesan melalui surel atau Facebook. Permintaanku hanyalah sebuah kartu pos dari tempat-tempat yang dia kunjungi. Di zaman serba modern seperti ini, kartu pos terlihat seperti barang antik. Aku memahami keberatan Keanu meski dia akhirnya setuju.

Aku menghela napas sambil memandangi hujan yang tiba-tiba turun di penghujung bulan Mei. Akan banyak manusia yang mengutuki hujan pagi ini. Bagiku, hujan ini seperti pertanda bahwa Keanu akan segera ada di sampingku. Betapa aku begitu merindukan suara tawanya, mendengar lelucon-leluconnya, dan yang paling menyiksa selama kepergiannya, sentuhan kulit kami.

"Guntur ...."

Aku memalingkan wajah ke arah pintu masuk. Rambut Keanu basah, dan titik-titik air yang hujan meninggalkan noda pada kemeja serta ransel besar yang masih ada di punggungnya. Aku ingin bangkit dari kursi dan menyambutnya dengan sebuah pelukan hangat, tetapi tubuhku terlalu lemah untuk melakukannya.

Keanu dengan segara menjatuhkan ransel dan menutup pintu. Dengan pelan, dia menghampiriku. Wajahnya masih tampak sangat lelah.

Ketika lengannya memelukku, mataku terpejam. Aku menghidu dalam-dalam aroma tubuhnya yang tercampur hujan.

"Finally, I'm here," bisiknya parau.

Aku mengangguk. "And I'm still waiting for you as promised."

Meremas rambut pirangnya yang warnanya sedikit lebih terang akibat terpapar sinar matahari. Aku menatap foto kami berdua yang terbingkai di atas meja dan betapa berubahnya fisik pria yang selama lima purnama hanya terbentuk dalam pikiranku.

Kami melepaskan pelukan, tetapi jemarinya masih membingkai wajahku. Ibu jarinya menyeka sudut mataku yang masih basah, sementara jemariku menelusuri lengannya. Telapak tangannya terasa sedikit kasar di pipiku, tetapi aku lebih memilih ini daripada tidak merasakannya sama sekali.

Kami saling bertatapan. Senyum dan sepasang mata hijau miliknya membuatku tidak akan menyesal jika takdir mengambil nyawaku saat ini. Melalui wajah Keanu, aku merasakan surga.

"Kamu sengaja membiarkan cambangmu berantakan."

"Karena aku tahu kamu menyukainya," jawabnya sebelum mengecup tanganku. "Apakah kamu tahu betapa ini satu-satunya yang mengisi pikiranku sejak meninggalkan Bali?"

"Satu-satunya yang membuatku masih bisa berharap, K."

"You just don't know how much I miss you."

"I actually know."

Dia tersenyum. "There will be nothing that will come between us now. Nothing."

Setelah mengucapkan kalimat itu, Keanu mendekatkan wajahnya untuk mengecup keningku lembut sebelum membiarkan bibir kami bertemu.

Rasanya masih sama, seperti ketika pertama kali kami berciuman di penghujung pantai Petitenget satu tahun lalu. Rasanya masih sama ketika 3 bulan kemudian, ciuman inilah yang menenangkan hatiku begitu diagnosis Astrocytoma—salah satu jenis dari kanker otak—keluar setelah sebelumnya aku mengeluh pusing dan mual yang terus menyerang, dibarengi pandanganku yang kabur. Semuanya masih terasa seperti kemarin, ketika dia bersikeras untuk tetap berada di Bali, sementara aku memintanya untuk melanjutkan rencana mengelilingi Amerika Latin.

"Mission accomplished, Guntur," ucap Keanu sambil menyunggingkan senyum lebarnya.

"I know you can do it."

"Ada begitu banyak momen ketika aku ingin berhenti dan terbang ke sini karena tidak tahu keadaanmu. Janji bahwa kamu akan menungguku adalah satu-satunya yang menggerakanku ke tujuan selanjutnya."

"Aku pasti kecewa jika kamu berhenti di tengah jalan."

Lengan Keanu kembali merengkuh tubuhku. Pelukannya meringankan sakit yang semakin hari semakin mendorongku untuk menyerah.

Keanu ....

"Ada begitu banyak foto dan cerita yang ingin aku tunjukkan kepadamu. It may takes days and hours for you to see them all."

"Bukankah kita punya selamanya, K?"

Keanu mengangguk. "Selamanya, Guntur. Selamanya."

Bahkan jika selamanya itu hanya bisa dihitung dengan jam, hari, minggu atau bulan. Bagiku, selamanya adalah sampai aku tidak kuat lagi menahan sakit dan Keanu tetap ada di sini.

Itu arti selamanya bagiku.

***

Hujan masih bergemuruh di luar, dibarengi guntur dan kilat yang membuat Keanu tidak melepaskan pelukannya satu menit pun sejak kami selesai makan malam. Dia bersikeras menyuapiku karena dia menginginkannya. Aku benci disuapi karena membuatku tidak lagi punya integritas dan enggan berkompromi dengan ego. Pengecualian itu hanya berlaku untuk Keanu.

"Sangat jarang turun hujan seperti ini di bulan Mei," ucapku sambil membaringkan kepala di dada Keanu. Aku memang memintanya untuk melepaskan kaus yang dipakainya, agar bisa merasakan kulit dadanya menyentuh pipiku.

"Kalau pun akan turun salju sekarang, aku tidak peduli. Kita tidak membutuhkan apa pun selain ini, Guntur," balasnya sembari merapatkan pelukan.

"Apakah akan ada yang percaya kalau kamu menjelajahi Amerika Latin dan pergi ke Salzburg, Amsterdam, Turki, India dan Malaysia hanya untuk membahagiakan pria seperti aku?"

"Apa peduliku jika mereka percaya atau tidak? Validasi dari mereka bukanlah sesuatu yang aku cari, Guntur. Jika Shah Jehan bisa membangun Taj Mahal seindah dan sebesar itu untuk istrinya, yang aku lakukan tidak sebanding. Jika ada yang menganggapku gila, mereka juga akan menganggap Shah Jehan, George Boldt, Prince von Raitenau lebih gila. Orang akan bicara apa pun untuk membuat diri mereka lebih baik dan aku tidak peduli. Aku hanya akan peduli jika mereka mulai bicara tentang kamu. They better not try."

Aku tersenyum tipis mendengar Keanu menyebutkan nama-nama yang tercetak dalam sejarah. Taj Mahal, Kastel Bold, dan Istana Mirabell tercatat sebagai ungkapan cinta atas pasangan-pasangan mereka. Kami memang tidak punya bangunan sebagai bentuk perayaan cinta, tapi Keanu sudah membangun monumen cinta di hatiku. Monumen yang hanya aku bisa mengunjunginya.

"Dari dulu kamu memang gila, K."

"I know. You love me for my craziness, right?"

Aku tertawa kecil. "Yes. That's exactly why."

"Go to sleep, babyy. Aku pastikan guntur di luar tidak akan membangunkanmu." Keanu kemudian mengecup keningku lembut. "Tidak akan ada yang bisa membangunkanmu selama aku ada di sini."

Apakah dia merasakannya?

Suara Keanu bergetar ketika mengucapkan itu dan ada keinginan untuk menanyakan kenapa. Namun aku lebih memilih untuk mendengarkan detak jantung pria yang aku cintai. Memilih untuk merasakan kehangatan tubuhnya.

Seperti tahu bahwa Keanu sudah di sini, rasa sakit yang luar biasa menyerangku hingga ingin rasanya menjerit, meminta Keanu mengusir rasa sakit itu. Aku menahannya, tidak ingin Keanu khawatir. Dia tidak boleh melihatku kesakitan. Janji yang aku buat sendiri tanpa Keanu mengetahuinya.

Beberapa saat kemudian, rasa sakit itu mulai menghilang. Perlahan. Ada sesuatu yang menarik diriku agar melepaskan diri dari Keanu dengan paksa, tapi aku berusaha bertahan. Aku berontak. Namun sesuatu itu begitu kuat hingga aku akhirnya menyerah. Hangat dari tubuh Keanu, detak jantungnya, dan lengan kuatnya, perlahan menjauh sebelum hilang sama sekali.

Yang terjadi setelahnya, aku melihat tubuhku masih dalam pelukan Keanu, hanya saja, matanya basah ketika dia mengecup rambutku, sebelum akhirnya dia terisak.

Keanu-ku menangis dan aku hanya diam di sini, menyaksikannya tanpa bisa mengulurkan jemari untuk menghapus air matanya.

My K ....