noah

Cast out. Alone. No one who would love me the way Dawn would, ever again. If it even had been love. 

The words rolled around my empty head as I stayed outside Dawn's house for god knew how long. Ages, maybe. Could've been minutes. Time was not an accurate measurement for me. But when the morning sun turned to afternoon, high in the sky, I stepped off her driveway and into the shadow of a green bush. I smelt the flowers, and thought of Dawn. 

No. Stop. She's not yours anymore. You hurt her, Noah. You. 

I grabbed a beautiful light pink blossom from the bush, ripped it off, and without noticing what I was doing, lifted it to my nose and breathed in its scent. 

Then I promptly shredded its dainty leaves onto the ground like a trail behind me as I continued to walk.

Away from her house.

Away from Dawn. 

Stop thinking about her, goddamn it. 

I clenched my fist around the last petal, then let it fall, crumpled, to the concrete path. 

I couldn't do this. 

I pulled out my phone and without letting myself think for a second, I called her.

Well, that was stupid. 

But somewhere inside of me, a little ray of hope shone, like a part of me believed that she would pick up and everything would be alright.

The ringback tone rung on and on and on. As expected, she never picked up. 

Stupid, I sighed. Can't you do something right for once?

A couple of streets later, I found myself outside my house. It looked the same through my already tired eyes, though it seemed like there was something different about it...

Oh right. My mother's car stood in the driveway. That meant she was home- a rare thing to happen, especially after all her odd shifts at random times. And indeed, the front door clattered open and a figure was outlined in the doorway, one hand on the handle.

"Noah?" She called. Even from a distance, I could hear the expectancy in her voice. 

"Mum." 

And suddenly, I had this urge to dash up to her and put my arms around her thin body and just cry my heart out into her shoulder, knowing that many other people across the globe did not have a mum to run home to, let alone a family. 

Dawn might not have a mother anymore. 

I prayed inwardly that her mother was safe. My fault or not? It must be mine. My fault. 

Carefully hiding these thoughts behind a blank face, I slowly walked up towards Mum, and when we were a metre apart, she looked me straight in the eye for a long second and then hugged- no, strangled me. 

I hugged her back fiercely, remembering my childhood years- before we drifted apart. 

At last, she pulled back and surveyed me with a mother's eye. "You alright?"

My brain told me to say 'yes' but my heart told me to say- 

"No."

Her mouth dropped a fraction, but she lifted her head and said firmly, "That is my fault. I'm so sorry I haven't been a good mother to you, Noah. I'll try for you, and I promise I'll be better-"

"It's not you I'm talking about," I cut in, hesitating. "I'm not angry at you for anything." I wondered if I should tell her about Dawn's mother, the accident...

No. I am to blame, and I will not make another person worry because of me. 

But my heart would not listen to my brain today, and it spoke up. 

"Dawn's mother was hurt in an accident, and I think I caused it," I blurted out, and then suddenly I was squeezing tears back from my eyes and my arms were around my mother again and she was patting my hair, a little taken aback. But I was so thankful that she didn't ask questions, didn't wonder why it would be my fault out of all people- merely accepted me. 

"Hey, it's okay," she murmured, but I pulled back. 

"It's not okay- I could've killed her! Maybe I did," I added, realising I didn't really know what had happened, and then we were hugging again.

Then a while later, I lifted my face to hers and asked her something I had not asked for in five long years. 

"Can we go to the playground? You know, catch up on lost time?"

She smiled. "Anytime."

*

Dawn

It was on the news, the crash.

I didn't watch it- too early for me- but I did record it.

Maybe a part of me thought that if I never got to see it, it wouldn't be real; it wouldn't have happened.

Stop lying to yourself, I thought. Just watch the damn thing; your mother's fine and it's already happened, you can't undo it.

But I didn't. 

My dad checked in almost everyday with me, just to make sure I was fine at home and to give me various updates on mum and where he was staying. There was a heaviness in his voice, a layer of worry that I hadn't noticed before. 

The summer holidays- the holidays I was meant to have fun with my whole family- was gone. There was only day after day, each one as dragging as the last.

Aria and Kat both texted me, asking me to go out with them for various activities, but I declined them all. 

I could tell they were worried about me- I'd told them about the accident. 

Eventually, I realised that Christmas would be coming soon. 

In a few days, actually. 

I wondered whether I'd spend it alone- I was guessing I would. 

You could've spent it with Noah. But now you can't, because you shut him out when he was trying to help. 

Why was I so stupid? 

*

And then Christmas day arrived. 

I was woken up by the doorbell. Concealing my yawn behind a hand, I slowly got up and shuffled down the stairs until I was standing in front of the closed door- in my pj's. And my wonderfully messy bed hair- a perfect bird's nest. 

Well, I had nothing to lose, right? Noah wasn't coming back anytime soon. 

I unlocked it and pulled it open. 

"Dad?" 

He smiled a small smile and said, "Merry Christmas, Dawn." I tripped forwards and hugged him with all the strength I had (which wasn't much- mornings always made me floppy and clumsy). 

"What are you doing here? What about mum?" I asked as I closed the door behind him. I noticed he was only carrying a small backpack- how long was he staying for? Would he even be staying?

"I thought I'd come back here for Christmas. After all, I can't leave you alone, can I?" He dumped the backpack onto the kitchen bench and unzipped it. "I have something for you," he added, pulling out a small parcel. 

It was rectangular in shape, and rather flat. Too flat for a book. 

Hmmm. 

After I'd inspected it thoroughly, to the amusement of my dad, I carefully un-sticky-taped the wrapping (I never liked ruining things, even wrapping paper) and pulled out a card and a photo- of mum, smiling at the camera from her hospital bed. 

She looked happy. Well. My heart did a little jump. Perhaps everything really would be alright. 

The card was from them both. 

I smiled. "I have something for you too," I said, then rushed upstairs, bounded down, and gave my dad another pair of socks (he needed them; every single sock in his room had a hole). 

"What a surprise!" he laughed, then hugged me again. 

Then the doorbell sounded again. 

And me, armed with my pj's and bed hair, boldly walked up to the door and opened it again. 

"Kat?"

I was rewarded with a comment on my appearance almost instantly. 

"Your bed hair is dreadful, Dawn. God, I'm so glad I got you new clothes. Merry Christmas!"

I hugged her (she hugged me back, carefully avoiding the bed hair), then gave me a squishy present (clothes) and I gave her mine (jewellery) and then we hugged again and I invited her in- plus her whole family who'd been waiting in her car- brothers and all (and their friends too). 

"Wow. I wasn't expecting this. The house isn't really ready you know, and the food-"

"Aria has that handled," she replied with a wink, then told me to stop worrying and could I please brush my hair and change my clothes. 

Feeling a little nervous now, my dad entertained the sudden chaos in the house while I got ready and then watched as Aria's car draw up and he family get out with a box that looked rather suspicious.

"Merry Christmas Dawn!" She chirped when I met her at the front door. 

"Same to you," I replied and then raised an eyebrow at the box. "What is that holding?"

"Stuff," she said mysteriously, then gave me a small notebook, plus a few impressive drawings that she'd done. 

I gave her a book she'd been wanting for ages, and then invited her in.

After she'd opened the box and pulled out decorations, food, food, and more food, everybody helped ready the house for Christmas. 

Honestly, it was one of my favourite days in my short life. The whole house was transformed into a festive party place in a couple of minutes, and then we sat down to stuff ourselves silly with the food I'd promised Aria I'd pay her back for, while her whole family sternly told me that no, I was not going to do that. (I was going to anyway.)

While everyone helped clean up after the big lunch, the doorbell rang again.

"Are you expecting anybody?" My dad asked, frowning. 

"No." I felt slightly confused. Who was left? 

I hurried towards the door and pulled it open carefully. 

There was nobody there. Just empty space. 

Feeling a little nervous, I took one step out, ready to scan the street for anybody, and my foot connected with something on the floor. 

Blinking, I looked down.

A small, dark, polished wooden box sat on the doorstep- no note, no card, no slip of paper telling who it was from. 

Just the wooden box. 

"Dawn? Who is it?" Thudding footsteps sounded behind me before Aria and Kat appeared, jostling each other for a good position to see the 'person'. 

Then they caught sight of the box and froze their giggles. 

"Oooohh, I bet it's from-" Aria began. 

"-Noah!" Kat finished. They both grinned at me. They'd known about me asking him to leave, but I was pretty sure they still didn't know that he probably hated me. Did hate me. 

Rolling my eyes at their amazing problem solving skills that also happened to be nonexistent, I picked the box up- it was heavier than I expected- and they closed the door and followed me like two hungry sheep (two hungry sheep desperate for juicy details on my dead relationship more like) until I reached the living room, which was full of people, and plonked it down on a table. 

All at once, everybody paused what they were doing and stared at the innocent looking box on the table. 

"Open it!" Aria and Kat insisted, looking more excited about this small wooden box made from a dead tree than winning the lottery (which was unlikely anyway).

Giving in, I reached forwards and gently tugged the lid up, which was on hinges. It swung up and about half the people in the room unconsciously drifted closer to see what was inside. 

There was a small photo album nestled at the bottom. Nothing said who it was from. 

If anything, Kat and Aria only seemed to get more excited. "Open it, you slow turtle!" Kat cried. 

What else would I do? Slam the lid shut and lob it out the window?

I carefully took the album out from the box, noticing the velvet soft padding covering the bottom. The box was perhaps more expensive than I'd realised. 

The box, I thought. Why don't you give some attention to the thing you're actually holding?

Right. The photo album. 

The front was a plain black with a small, intricate gold pattern around its edges. 

I opened it slowly. 

Photos- just photos- met my eyes, photos of me, photos of Noah and I together, photos that I'd taken of him and sent for fun. 

Some photos of me I'd never known he'd taken. Others I remembered.

I walked over to the couch and plonked myself down, Aria and Kat now following me like buzzing mosquitoes. Very annoying mosquitoes, I might add (I kept that to myself). 

I turned each page with care, finding more photos of us together.. 

And as I stared at each one, I realised that though the background was always changing and shifting, Noah and I were always something that had, in fact, never changed. 

How could I have shut him out? I turned to the final picture- Aria made a weird cooing noise and Kat whispered "So that's why he asked me to send that crappy picture I took of you guys!". 

In the photo, taken from behind by the amazingly skilled Kat, Noah and I were walking on a path through a park, hand in hand. I reddened as I noticed my head was turned towards Noah's in the photo, probably sneaking another look at him when he wasn't aware of it (my cheeks were on fire now).

The silence was broken by Kat's mother coming up and asking me, "What have you got there?"

In an instant, Aria's smirk disappeared and she schooled her expression into a neutral one, Kat stopped looking like she'd discovered a new planet and named it after herself,  and the photo album was snapped shut and I forced the colour on my cheeks to fade (which failed). 

"Oh, er, a photo album," I replied meekly. Aria and Kat nodded like the bobble heads they were (no difference there I see). 

"Can I see?"

"No!" All three of us said quickly at once. We looked at each other and broke into simultaneous glares. 

-

Alone at last in my bedroom, I opened the box again and frowned. I had actually bought him something for Christmas too- a book- incidentally, the same book he'd been reading that day I saw him at the library. 

But I didn't know how to send it to him- sure, I could go up to his house and knock and say "I got you something, and I know you hate me so I'm just going to run away now, bye", because to be honest, I was a little too nervous for that. 

And suddenly I grinned. 

Taking out the book with its docket inside, I took out the photo album from the box and replaced it with the book present. To my surprise, it actually fitted. Then I slipped a single photo of us at the beach into it, snapped the lid shut and got ready to head out, box in hand. You see, he would recognize that box. And he would wonder why it was there, open it, and realise it was from me. 

I supposed it was like a sign- I'd seen his gift and thanked him by returning this precious box with my own gift inside.

And I was using the trick I was pretty sure he'd used- ringing the doorbell and running away without him seeing me (though I doubted I'd be fast enough). 

I eventually reached his driveway and noticed a car parked in it- which wasn't normally there. Was his mum home? Perhaps this was a bad idea. 

But I forced myself to creep up to the doorway and stand outside it, a mini war going on in my head while I debated fiercely whether I should just screw this all or actually ring the doorbell.

Houses have a peculiar way of looking like they are empty and un-lived in until you actually meet the person inside. That was what it felt like for me.

Carefully, I placed the box down on his doorstep, trying to be as quiet as a mouse. Then I straightened and stared at the doorbell for a century before I slowly reached forwards and poked it, then jumped back and raced down his driveway and hid behind a tree in his front yard.

I know, I suck at hide-and-seek. 

I waited for about roughly one hundred years. 

The door didn't open.

No pressure, no pressure, I told myself. No pressure at all, you know, I'm just gonna CASUALLY SIT HERE for ANOTHER HUNDRED YEARS NOAH OPEN THE GODDAMN PIECE OF WOOD THAT YOU CALL A DOOR- 

Okay.

I took a few deep breaths, the rough bark from the tree I was strangling catching in my fingernails. 

Perhaps he wasn't at home. 

I turned to leave- but then, out of the corner of my eye, the door opened. 

And Noah stepped out and his eyes went straight to the box sitting on the doorstep. 

Sorry for the long wait guys! I apologise <3

Hope you liked this chapter! Please comment/vote! What do you think is going through Dawn's head at the moment? 

Here's what I think: 

(WARNING: INSIDE JOKE @Emaecatz @goddess7533)

He luuuuurrrrvvvesss me, he luuuuurrrvveees me not, he luuuuuurrrvvvesss me! *cackles maniacally*

Check out @goddess7533's rewritten book 'for the love of god' , originally 'My Other Half' !

Hope 2019 is treating you well so far!!

xxx, 

HalloPhoenix