//DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN TOKYO GHOUL. I DO NOT OWN THE ANYTHING RELATING TO SAID SHOW AND BOOK(S). I OWN NOTHING, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! RATED PG-13 DUE TO VIOLENCE//

*The following fanfiction is boy x boy, if you DON’T like it, DON’T read it!*

My name is Hide. You pronounce it like He-day. I feel like you should pronounce it as hide. Not because that is how it is spelled... But because I have many secrets to hide. I can give you some examples of my many secrets.  One, I’m in love with my best friend. Even though it is true, I’ll admit that statement sounds cliché. Although that secret is important to keep hidden, there is another that is even bigger, MONSTROUS. I am a ghoul.

I 

AM 

A 

GHOUL.

I eat flesh. I rip humans apart, limb by limb, literally eating finger food. I devour humans raw, uncooked, but still warm. I hunt, I kill... Some say I’m a murder, which I suppose I am. Then again, who can really control themselves when they are hungry? 

FLESH. 

MEAT.

It is addicting, like most tasty things. Ghouls like flesh like humans like chocolate... They always want more, they can never get enough. They desperately try to suppress their cravings... They nearly drive themselves crazy doing so. They start foaming at the mouth, turing into a beast with each sharp intake of breath. 

Breath. 

A human’s last breath can smell like a spring breeze. It can bring about a strange feeling of calm and comfort. Well, normally it does. Not this time, not this time... 

“KANEKI!” I scream, unable to believe my own eyes. He lays before me, bloodied and bruised. He looks like he got beat up... No, he looks worse than that. His eyes are frozen open, stuck in a constant and unrelenting look of pure fear and surprise. His dark silky hair blends in with the shadows, and his now pale skin seems to glow within the moonlight. “Who did this... Who did this to you, Kaneki?” I ask, noticing the deep, seemingly unending bite marks on his shoulders, and the large gash across his chest. “What did the ghoul look like?” As I wait for him to respond, to say something, to prove that he is still alive... I make a mental list of who could have attacked him. Could it have been someone from that coffee shop that he insisted going to the other day? Could someone have befriended him, lured him in close before... 

Kaneki’s blood smells sweet. The smell is hard to describe... It gives off an sense of foreboding... As if trying it is trying to warn you that it could and probably does have an addicting taste. His blood seems to be everywhere... Staining HIS clothes, staining MY clothes, staining the ground, the nearby wall... How much blood can a human lose before they die? 

“Hide,” he whispers in a voice barely audible, “In this light, in this pale moonlight, your hair looks like a halo.” I nearly jump for joy when I hear him speak. Kaneki is alive! Kaneki is alive! Kaneki is... 

He coughs and sputters violently, sending a fresh spray of blood across my chest. He begins to slip away, his eyes starting to close. I also start to slip, saliva building up in my mouth. I can feel myself slipping away along with Kaneki, my control slowly withering away before being reduced to forgettable ashes;  ashes that will easily be swept away by the wind. “Who did this to you?” I ask, once more. I need to know before I leave, before I go get help, and before I turn into my true self, before I turn into a monster. 

His breathing is becoming shallow and it becomes evident that he IS going to die, slowly and painfully before my eyes. “H-Hide...” he stammers, his head now slumped to one side, “Y-you did t-this.”

Me. 

Me.... 

ME. 

ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME...... 

I don’t know what is hurting me more... The fact that my best friend, the person I love is dying before my eyes... Or the fact that I am the one that attacked him. I don’t remember attacking him. I don’t remember hurting him. I don’t... 

“Y-you’re hungry, a-aren’t you?” Kaneki asks, using what little strength he has to lean forward, to lean on me. “I’m as g-good as d-dead. If y-you don’t k-kill me, another g-ghoul will.” His breath sounds raspy and harsh, as if he is trying to breathe in something thick.  Could he be choking on his own blood? 

“Kaneki...” I murmur, stroking his head, trying to see if it all is some horrible nightmare. It is real. I can feel it... His shaking chest, his fluttering heart... How much longer will he live? Will he live days longer? Will he live minutes longer? Or will he only live a few seconds longer?  

“Now that I know your secret, it is only fair that you know mine,” he adds, probably using all the strength he has left not to stutter. “Now listen close, I’ll only say it once...”

He says three words, three words that I never expected to hear from him. They are three words that I wished I had hear sooner. They are three words I wish I could have heard in a different place, in different circumstances. As soon as he finishes them, his last breath, his dying breath leaves his body. 

Kaneki doesn’t smell like he should... Flesh should smell GOOD to me, perhaps even irresistible. He doesn’t smell good. He smells like death, he smells like sadness, he smells like regret, he smells like trash. He smells absolutely horrible. 

“KANEKI!” I scream, tears now freely falling down my face. “DON’T LEAVE ME!” I scream as loud as I can, as much as I can. I scream so loud that my throat feels like it is burning, as if I swallowed fire. I scream so much that I lose the ability to speak, unable to even form raspy sounding words. 

Without Kaneki, I lose my sense of time. I lose sense of what is happening around me. I become numb, not just in my heart, but in all senses. I can’t feel anything, anything but pure sadness. I feel as though my heart has been ripped out. I feel as though my soul has been put in a blender, cut into indistinguishable bits. 

If I had not been lost in my own thoughts, lost in my emotions, I would have heard the footsteps. I would have heard them approaching, the rapid footsteps that resonate within the air, sounding like a death song. 

If I had be more aware of my surroundings, if my senses weren’t clouded by the whirlwind of emotions I am experiencing, I would have smelled them long before they reached me. 

If my heartbeat had not been beating restlessly, sounding like thunder within my ears, I would have heard them approach. I would have heard them steadily come closer, stopping when they were only about half a meter away. 

If my body had not become numb, I would have felt the wound that they inflicted. I would have felt my heart physically be destroyed after already having been emotionally destroyed.  

I don’t look behind me. I don’t even begin to wonder about who is killing me. It doesn’t matter... After all, I died when Kaneki died. “You idiot,” I manage to whisper, “You’re killing someone that is already dead.” As my eyelids become heavy, as though elephants are jumping up and down at them, I gaze at Kaneki’s face one last time. Those soft lips... I wish I had been able to kiss them at least once. 

Shadows creep into my vision at a furious pace, becoming one giant, intimidating curtain of darkness as my eyelids finally close. With my dying breath, with my last breath, I whisper, “I love you too, Kaneki.” 

In the soft morning light, a peculiar scene is illuminated. Two figures lay slumped, with one appearing to embrace the other. Any passerby would assume that they were friends. Any passerby would conclude that they both must of met their end at the same time. Only one passerby, only one with strangely strong senses would hear it. A beating heart. A heart fluttering, struggling to continue to beat. One of the figures is clinging to life, unable or unwilling to release their unrelenting grip on the living world. The same special passerby may notice that one figure is being treated by the police roughly, and another with gentle hands. The special passerby would notice that smell the stench of a ghoul.  

Most people would consider the scene of a murder a tragedy, horrific and disturbing. A few would feel differently... A few would notice the tears still glistening on one of the boy’s faces. A few would notice that one boy has more blood on himself than the other. A few would notice that one appeared to give the other their blood, supplying the other with the blood they lost. One died so the other could live. 

One died. 

One still lives. 

Only a special passerby, only a ghoul with a superb sense of smell would be able to tell which one is still alive. A ghoul would also take notice of many things. They would hear the fluttering heartbeat, and the whisper of a breath, the list could go on and on. Most importantly, they would smell a strange smell, a rare smell. They would smell the intoxicating smell of a being that has become part human. They would smell the true last breath of the human, the refreshing spring breeze.

Death can bring many things. Death can bring pain, and sorrow. Death can bring about a feeling of uneasiness and paranoia. Death can bring the truth to light. Death can bring relief. Had the golden haired ghoul been able to read the raven haired human’s mind, he would have heard many things. The ghoul would have heard his friend inwardly say that he was glad that he was able to comfort his friend that normally kept all his troubles bottled up inside. He was glad to be able to help his friend that is always sunshine and smiles.  

In a hospital, a sullen boy recovers. Each time he opens his eyes, all he can think about is his now dead friend, his now dead crush. No, Kaneki was more than just a crush... Hide was convinced that he was in love with the bookworm. In fact, he KNOWS that he is in love with Kaneki. With each each heart beat, the aching feeling within his chest grows, until it feels unbearably painful. He wonders how he will live without the pure-hearted Kaneki. He wonders how he will find happiness. In mid thought, he becomes aware of a strange sensation in one of his eyes. Confused, not recalling hurting his eye, he peers into his reflection of his metallic meal tray. 

One eye is its normal light brown color, and the other is the trademark of a hungry ghoul... A bright crimson against a deep black. What are wrong with my eyes? Why can’t I control my eyes? Why...

Why does human food, food that normally smells repulsive smell absolutely delicious? I gaze at my meal tray with skepticism. Do I dare to eat human food? Do I dare to chew it, to try the flavors that are usually out of my taste bud’s reach? With a furiously trembling hand, I reach for the sandwich, ripping off a small piece of its tan crust. I raise my trembling hand to my lips, and my lips that quiver in anticipation. If it taste good, if it doesn’t taste like a damp sponge it means thatKaneki saved me. It means that I’m part human. It means Kaneki died for me. Kaneki....

I pop the piece of bread crust into my mouth before I can change my mind. I chew nervously, unsure of what outcome I desire. The bread crust DOESN’T taste good, but it DOESN’T taste bad either. 

“Kaneki...” I whisper, his name causing a storm of emotions to build up inside me. “Kaneki... Why did you have to die? Why did you save me? Why... WHY?” Soon my whole body trembles and shakes, the meal tray threatening to fall of its stand as it teeters back and forth with repetitive squeaking noises. Tears fall down my face, cascading down my cheeks in an unrelenting flow. I am unsure of how long I cry. I cry continuously, I cry until my breathing becomes shallow and until my eyes feel like they are going to pop out of my head. I cry until my vision becomes unbelievably blurry, and until my head throbs. “Kaneki... I’ve become some horrid hybrid, some demihuman. It is unclear precisely what I am... Am I human? Am I a monster? Kaneki...” I pause in order to catch my breath, “Could you love me now?” 

The grief-stricken boy soon falls into a deep, dreamless sleep. If he had been sleeping more lightly or awake, he would have noticed many things. First, he would have taken notice of the caress his face was receiving. Second, he would have taken notice of the shocking familiar face. He would have wept... He would have wept in joy to see Kaneki again. Alas, the being beside him is not Kaneki. The being CAN by Kaneki. The being can change its shape into any form it desires. It could make itself a cat, a rat, a bat or... Or something the person it is infatuated with is in love with. The being itself is a ghoul, that part is clear. The ghoul isn’t an ordinary ghoul. It can change its shape, it is a shape-shifting ghoul. If Hide had been listening, he would have heard the being whisper to him, its soft lips brushing  his ear, “With HIM dead, could you love me now?”

As it seems, death can bring many things. For this being, it brings a chance of a new beginning, a chance to win over the one it is hopelessly in love with. 

Death can be an ending, and it also can be a beginning.

Now lets jump ahead a few months. Lets jump ahead a few grief counseling session filled months. Lets jump head a few months that felt like years to Hide. Lets jump ahead a few months that felt like a spring breeze to Hide’s secret admirer. 

My footsteps sound like thunder within the dark, shadow obscured alleyway. Just a few months ago I would have been hunting humans in this very spot, impatiently trying to find my next meal. A few months ago I was a normal ghoul, a normal monster. Now I’m a special monster, a “special little snowflake” as my partner would say. A few months ago is when many changes began. A few months ago I was visited by two intimidating men that ghouls refer to as ‘Doves’. They were blunt, and got to their point very quickly. They knew what happened, they knew and KNOW everything about me. They gave me two alternatives, two choices of paths to walk down. I could be imprisoned, or I could help them hunt ghouls. The choice was easy, so easy that their question, their conclusion of ‘Which will you choose?’ seemed like a trick question. On a similar note, my answer seemed to come to no surprise to them. The only acknowledgement they made of my answer was a blink, a break of their unrelenting gaze. 

My nose involuntarily twitches as the stench of a ghoul becomes increasingly strong. Just around the bend I can hear voices, I can hear my partner making idle conversation with someone or something. My partner, a wrinkly and weak appearing man nearing this late fifties can still manage to kill a ghoul in a matter of seconds.

“I would LOVE for you to walk me home. It isn’t easy to get around when you get older and stiffer, especially when the rain makes the pavement slick,” as  I approach the corner, I narrowly avoid a puddle. If I had stepped in that puddle that ghoul would have heard me and good old Hiro would have been toast. He wouldn’t have had time to draw his weapon. “Despite the earlier weather, it’s a beautiful night, isn’t it?” That’s my cue!

In a blur of movement I round the corner, and slam into the the teenage ghoul. Teenage ghouls can be bothersome to fight. Due to their young age, them seem to have a near unlimited supply of energy and raw attack power. I usually can take them though. After all, I’m a college student, I’m not THAT much older than a teenager. 

In my rush, in my hurry to attack the ghoul, I failed to notice something... I failed to notice one BIG thing. Hiro, my partner, my mentor is dead. He is a lump on the pavement, a corpse, a rotting, stinky pile of flesh that is the remains of a human being. He was dead the whole entire time! Then why did I hear his gruff, familiar voice? The ghoul who I managed to make stumble back a few meters chuckles.

“You weren’t expecting this, were you Hide?” the ghoul asks, his half-mask seeming to fade away as my eyes betray me. There is no way what I am seeing can be real. There is no way that he...

“K-Kaneki?” I stammer, my eyes struggling to comprehend what happened before me. The ghoul seems to have been replaced by Kaneki, my best friend, my dead friend. “Y-you c-can’t be K-Kaneki, Kaneki i-is dead!” I am more shocked than I care to admit. I struggle to keep my composure as my legs feel like towers of jelly below me. 

Kaneki slowly, almost hesitantly makes his way towards me, trapping me in a tight embrace. To my annoyance, I find myself shaking uncontrollably, just like I did a few months go in the hospital. “Sssh, Hide, it’s alright,” he whispers giving me a quick, gentle kiss on the lips. This kiss should have brought me comfort, it should have brought me happiness... It didn’t. Kaneki IS dead, therefore this person before me CAN’T be Kaneki. He may have Kaneki’s voice, he may have Kaneki’s eyes but he doesn’t... He doesn’t have Kaneki’s hair! Kaneki’s hair was as dark as the night, and this person’s hair is a bright as the moon. I involuntarily become stiff, and nervous. What does this person... No, what does this ghoul, this monster want from me? How does he know my name? How does it know what Kaneki looks like? The ghoul sighs a heavy and disappointed sigh. 

“Darn my true hair color showed through, didn’t it?” the ghoul asks, slowly releasing me from his embrace. “It’s a pity... I thought I could finally get you to love me. You rejected me numerous times, but I thought if I looked like HIM, like that lousy human, that you would love me.” His voice quivers as his form steadily changes, revealing the teenage ghoul that I originally saw. Despite the fact his face is partially hidden by his half mask with an eerie skull design, I recognize his eyes. 

Those sky blue eyes, those eyes who seem to try to be pulling me in, trying to bring me closer in order to swallow me whole... “Raphael?” I ask, unable to believe my eyes. It can’t be him... It can’t be the shy foreign exchange student I gave a tour of Tokyo to. It can’t be the nervous boy that went to karaoke with Kaneki and I. It can’t be the sweet boy who always said he admired Kaneki and smiled warmly soon after. It can’t be Raphael... He was supposed to go back to America last year! Besides, Raphael had dirty blonde hair, not shocking white hair... 

His response is eerie. A chuckle slowly forms in his throat, leaving his lips in a shout like manner. “I’ve changed, oh yes I’ve changed... I did a lot of things. I tried so UNBELIEVABLY hard to forget you, to forget that I love you...” his voice trails off as he struggles to read my expression. L-love? I just thought he saw me as a brotherly figure... “I couldn’t forget, I couldn’t be happy, I couldn’t live. I made some new friends, though. They taught me new things, and gave me some tools that I can use for many purposes. They helped me increase my overall health, and they gave me the ability to shape-shift, to become someone you could love.” His talking speed steadily becomes faster until I am barely able to understand him. His body shakes, as though he is hyped up on caffeine, as if he is the incarnate of energy. 

I take a sharp intake of breath, shock threatening to cloud my mind. How could he torture me like this, pretending to be the one I love? 

“HIDEHIDEHIDEHIDE I LOVE YOU HIDE! HIDEHIDEHIDEHIDE!” His voice is now a slurred yell, and frankly he seems to be insane. His eyes dart around, unable to focus on any one thing, and he paces before me like in impatient child. He repeat my name, using it as some weird chant.

“Monster,” I whisper, resentment bubbling up within me, making me feel as though I could explode at any moment.

This gets his attention, and he manages to focus on me for a brief moment. “I’m not a monster,” he says, responding to my whisper, “Kaneki was. He made you forget about what you are, he made you feel human. He made you for get about me... He made you forget that I even exist. He was clever, he was close to figuring out that you are a ghoul. So I...” his voice trails off as he lets me come to my own conclusions. 

“YOU KILLED KANEKI!” I scream, my voice becoming so loud that it cracks, “MONSTER! YOU ARE A MONSTER!” Raphael scoffs in response, and shakes his head in disapproval. 

“I’m not a monster, humans are. Just look at those Doves... They kill us, ALL of us, no matter how young or innocent we are. You could give them years worth of evidence that you DID NOT kill a SINGLE human and they would STIll kill you!” his eyes never leave me as he responds, as if he is afraid that I will attack him. I watch him in a similar way, struggling to avoid being distracted by the intricate skeleton pattern of his outfit. Is that what a real skeleton looks like? Is that what I look like on the inside? This that what Kaneki looked like on the inside? 

“YOU ARE A MONSTER!” I scream in response, “MOST GHOULS ARE MONSTERS! I’LL KILL YOU!” As I scream, I feel a chant coming to me, somewhat similar to Raphael’s chant. The only different is that mine is filled with hate instead of love. “MONSTER, MONSTER, MONSTER! MONSTERMONSTERMONSTERMONSTERMONSTER...”

My body feels as though it has been engulfed in fire, as I run at him, me feet seem to rarely, if at all, touch the ground.

Just as the demihuman is about to come within arm’s reach of the ghoul, the ghoul disappears in a flash of blinding light. The ghoul is replaced with a slip of paper, a thin piece of a paper that almost becomes unreadable due to water that has begun to soak through it. The demihuman picks up the paper, and reads it with a scowl. He is tempted to rip it up, or to shove it in his pocket and try to pretend that the recent happenings are all just a bad dream. Instead of doing either, he throws it into a nearby puddle. After doing so, with one booted foot, he grinds it into a messy, wet pulp. Before the ink washes away, one could still read, ‘Humans are fragile creatures made to be broken. You’d better get a move on... You never know who might get broken next’.

Hide is no fool. He knows that the humans that are close to him are being targeted for some reason... Perhaps his enemy is a sadistic, heartless being with nothing better to do. Perhaps he has more than one enemy, a group of people that who people like Raphael to carry out their dirty work. Hide hasn’t continued to live for nothing... He doesn’t mind playing their game. After all, humans are made to be broken, and ghouls are made to be killed.

“I suppose I’ll play their game,” I say, thinking aloud, “after all, I have nothing to lose, except my life. If they had ANY brains whatsoever, they would realize that when Kaneki died, so did I.” For what I vow to be the last time, I let myself cry, and agonize over Kaneki. ‘Humans are  fragile creatures made to be broken...’ Could there, could there be a slim possibility that Raphael didn’t kill Kaneki? Could he be out in the world somewhere? “Kaneki, are you out there?” I ask, not expecting any sort of response. For a brief minute, for a second, I swear I hear Kaneki call out  for me. I swear I hear his sweet, angelic voice. 

A ways away, in a seemingly abandoned building, there is a creature. The creature looks like something out of science fiction... His body is pure patchwork, being made of various materials, various bits never originating from the same source. The being, would best be described as the real life Frankenstein.  The boy, his memories about as fragmented as his body, cries out the one thing he remembers, “Hide... Hide... Hide!”

My name is Hide. You pronounce it like He-day. I feel like you should pronounce it as hide. Not because that is how it is spelled... But because I have many secrets to hide. I can give you some examples of my many secrets. One, I am part human and part ghoul. Two, I hunt ghouls. Three, I am unable to let go of the slim possibility that the one I love still might be alive somehow.

“Hide,” the patchwork boy murmurs, trying to make sense of the jumbled mess of memories the name brings back, “Hide... How could you love me now?” The boy gazes at himself, at his rough, horrifying body. “I’m hideous, Hide. I’m a monster...”. Little does the patchwork boy know that there is someone out there, someone as fragmented as him. The only difference is that the other fragmented boy isn’t visibly fragmented, but internally fragmented. The other boy also sees himself as a monster. The monsters, the two fragmented monsters long for the other, wishing that they had the other to confide in, to have the other to love. 

It takes a monster to love a monster.