- Saturday, May 14th, 2016 -

– 3,5 months after the disappearance –

As soon as I wake up, right before I decided to open my eyes, everything I remember is vague and feels like a dream instead of reality. Not just the mere memory of seeing Finnley again, but also the party I vaguely remember, the fighting with Stan. For a couple of blissful seconds, it actually feels like none of this ever happened; not the events from the past week, but also those of the past four months. All I remember in the blissful worry-free seconds is Finnley staring right at me with a small smile on his face.

The cold hard reality hits me that none of this is a dream when I open my eyes and find myself in a strange bedroom, on a strange bed with no hint to where I am exactly. The room is kind of messy, but somehow it feels safe and familiar. I stare right at a desk covered with papers and binders, right next to a huge closet full of books. On the other side of the desk, there's a closet of which one door is slightly opened, offering me view on an all too familiar green sweater that I've seen twice before already.

It looked good on Nathan, it looked way better on Finnley.

I slowly push myself upright, ignoring the pondering headache that started right after I opened my eyes, to enchanted by the sweater because it reminds me of a night I spent at Finnley's place. That whole night is one big blur, but right now I do remember how Finnley was holding me up, both staring at each other. How I felt jealous over something and how badly I wanted to kiss him; and how I kissed him.

In the meantime, I shuffled towards the closet, grabbing the sweater and hugging it to my body. There's no scent left in it to remind me of Finnley, but the mere memory of kissing him when he was wearing it is enough to make me feel a bit happy.

"You're awake." Nathan's voice sounds amused, yet worried.

"Is this your room?"

"Yeah..." He stares at the sweater. "Why are you holding my sweater."

"Finny wore this..."

Nathan's eyes soften while he sighs deeply. "It was his favourite." He tells me, making his way over to the desk, taking a seat in the chair. "He always stole it from me."

"It looked good on him."

"That's why I always let him steal it." Nathan chuckles. "He kinda looked cute while wearing my clothes, always a size too big. The tips of his fingers peeking out of the sleeves..." His voice dies down and he seems to drown in his own thoughts, seemingly remembering something that is turning his frown into a small smile.

I stare at him for a couple of seconds, before I put on the sweater, not caring if it's his. I'm wearing nothing but some sweatpants that isn't mine and I'm cold. Besides, this sweater was touched by Finnley previously and I miss wearing his hoodies; but Stan made me stop wearing them. "Why am I here?"

"He called me last night, you know." Nathan turns the chair around so that he is now facing me. "Finn."

"He was with me last night..." I admit remembering him being there, although the circumstances are a bit blurry and confusing. "But Stan was there too, why didn't he take me home? Why didn't you bring me home like you did before?"

"Your parents never answered the door and I couldn't find a key to the house." Nathan holds his head sideways, staring me up and down. "What happened? When I got there, he was long gone."

"First tell me why Stan didn't take me home."

"Because I had to drop him off too." Nathan grins. "That dipshit was too drunk to drive and he refused to let me take you on my own. He seemed really worried about you though."

"Yeah, well..." I shrug. "He's acting weird lately."

"That makes two of them." Nathan follows me while I head on with investigating his room. I'm a bit surprised, because I expected a room like Stan's; messy, clothes laying around everywhere, ashtrays full of cigarettes and spliffs. But none of it is true. Nathan's room somewhat reminds me of Finnley's room; a geeky room. Full of books and artefacts like it's a fountain full of wisdom and knowledge. All these books and papers and other geeky materials made me feel right at home the second I noticed them.

"I can see why Finn liked to hang out with you." I brush my finger along the books on a bookshelf, recognizing some books as the one's Finnley had been reading in the last year. Don't ask me why I remember some books he was reading, I just liked to watch him read. "You guys probably had a lot in common."

"We did, yes." Nathan nods, smiling weary. "But we also had a lot of disagreements and we every so often fought because we're both too stubborn to admit when we're wrong." He laughs softly.

"Did you love him?"

"Well, love is a big word." Nathan gets up, strolls towards a side table next to his bed and opens the drawer. "I like him, a lot. But I don't know if it's love and I don't think we'd be a great couple." He retrieves something from the drawer. "But I would do anything to spend one more time just watching him, drowning in those eyes of his." He hands me a picture frame with a picture in it showing Finnley.

His eyes are full of joy and laughter, his lips pulled up in a daring smirk. His hair a bit messy and he's wearing the green sweater.

"I love that picture. It's not even too long ago, although it feels like it's years ago." Nathan coughs awkwardly. "He never had to use any words to dare me to disagree with him and the way he's looking in that picture reminds me of his cheeky behaviour. It reminds me that beneath that depression, beneath the sadness that you could see in his eyes, there was a boy who was curious of the world and wanted to dare all of us to discover everything in it. He opened my eyes and I feel blessed for getting to know him."

"Yeah, I know what you mean with that." I nod, still staring at the picture, completely obsessed by it. How could I never notice the beauty right in front of me? Why did I never realize I fell in love with him a long time ago. Why did it take me until he isn't part of my everyday life to realize he is everything I want in life? "We need to help him to get back home."

Nathan nods, dropping on the bed, covering his face with his hands. "I know, but I don't know how. He's obviously capable of contacting the both of us. He was at the same fucking party you were at..."

"Stan called him." I take a seat on the desk chair, holding my head after I jolt of pain made me dizzy. "I need my painkillers."

"You had nothing on you when I found you, Cris. Not even a phone or a wallet."

"What?" I snap my head up, regretting it instantly. "I lost my phone and my wallet?"

"We'll see if Stan found anything, but all I know is that I wasn't particularly welcome in that party and if it wasn't for Stan telling James to fuck off, I wouldn't have been able to take you home with me."

"But wait..." I sit up straight, staring at him when an epiphany hit me. "Finn called you."

"Yes, he did, why?"

"You'd figure nerds like you would realize this before I did, but no..." I drag out the "o" in the last word, rolling my eyes. "You have a phone number we can use to contact Finn."

"Oh, right." Nathan shakes his head. "He used Stan's phone. I wanted to ignore the call but I had a feeling it could be about you so I answered anyway."

"Good you did."

"Why was Finn there?"

"I got in trouble." I gesture towards my head. "Got beaten up, I don't know..." I drawl. "The night is a bit of a blur. All I remember is waking up because him and Stan had been bickering about keeping me safe, Stan promising it to Finn..." I close my eyes, trying to recall the discussion they had when I woke up.

"Anything else? Anything could be helpful."

"They made a deal, Stan didn't keep his end of the deal, something about a guy named Scott..." I groan, grabbing my head in annoyance. I wish the painful pounding would stop for a second so I could concentrate. "I think Stan is on our side, on Finn's side."

"He is?"

"I vaguely remember Stan bitching to Finn about him not telling me Stan is on his side."

"So, we can trust Stan?" Nathan frowns deeply and looking at him, I noticed he is writing stuff down. "Really?"

"That's what I remember, but I don't know the context."

"So, we'll trust him on a basic level for now, until we are sure he is really on our side?"

"Still leaves me with the dilemma he won't let me break up with him."

"Don't." Nathan shrugs. "Just keep him on your side. Yesterday it was him who got both you and me out of that party. Besides, he said he would kill whoever had hurt you as soon as he would find out."

"But I don't like him."

"But for now, he's protecting you from a bunch of really shady people just because you're his boyfriend. Let's use it in our advantage, okay?" Nathan pads on his back. "Go lay down. I'm going to see if I can reach your parents and get you home to your painkillers. I'll think about all of this in peace, okay?"

"I want to help."

"You can help, by letting me know whenever you remember more. I'll see if I can get Stan to agree on talking with me. Because if you say he called Finn last night, he knows more than he's admitting. And they had some sort of deal so they must have contact on a regular basis. Stan is part of this, I just don't know what part yet."

"I'm too much in pain to keep up with you right now."

"That's why you should lay down while I call your parents."

"Thanks for helping me, again." I mutter, laying down on his bed thankfully. "I really appreciate it."

"No problem, kiddo." He chuckles. "For a jock, you are quite okay."

"Thanks, for a nerd, you're pretty okay yourself too."

- Friday, May 20th, 2016 -

I watch while my mom is placing a bowl of cereals in front of me before taking a seat. "Are you sure you're fit enough to go out?" She sounds worried and she doesn't really dig the idea of me going out of the house while a couple of days ago Nathan dropped me off with a huge headache that made me throw up a couple of times.

"And can you promise us you won't get in another fight?" My dad isn't looking up from the newspaper he's reading.

"I'm fine." I groan, grabbing the spoon to take a bite. "I went to school too, right?"

"Yeah, but you came home early every day because you felt nauseous and had a headache." My mom sighs. "And today you came home during lunch and now you want to go out again? That doesn't seem right."

"I slept a couple of hours." It's a simple complain and I know it sounds weird to go home sick and then go around and ask them if it's okay to go to Nathan the very same day. "And I need to go there."

"Why, Cris?" My dad folds the paper, looking at me with an expression that tells me he is about the lecture me. "Can't he come here?"

"He's babysitting his sister," I mutter. "And I have to talk to him. It's important."

It really is important, because Stan finally agreed on talking to us about it, answering some of the questions we had. I don't know how Nathan succeeded in getting him to agree, but he did. I asked Stan a couple of times, but each and every time he got mad and told me to drop the subject.

"What's more important than recovering? Focussing on being able to graduate while missing all those classes?"

"Finn is." I whisper, looking down to the bowl of replacement dinner – I missed real dinner.

"Care to explain this?" My dad sighs. "We agree his safety is important, but you can't change anything about it."

"But Nathen knew him and I feel comforted when we talk about Finn, like he's still here." It's partially a lie. It's not at all the reason to go over to Nathan. But it is true I do feel better whenever Nathan and I talk about Finn and the differences between knowing him. It's like getting to know a whole different side of Finnley. For instance, when Finnley and I hung out, he mostly tried to tone down the need to always tell me when I was wrong about something. He always tried to explain things to me and he always was calm and maybe even a bit mysterious.

But from the things Nathan told me, I got to know a side I haven't seen since we were kids. A playful, hyperactive side; fantasizing about discovering the world, limitless thinking, aiming for the sky.

I have been hanging out with Nathan nearly every day in the past six days and we talked a lot. Up until now, he always came over to my place and he even joined for dinner twice. My dad seems to be very fond of him, but it's not that weird if you think about it. Nathan is somewhat like Finnley; intelligent, calm and collective, polite and funny in moments you don't expect a joke. Since dad always liked Finnley a lot, this isn't a big surprise to me at all.

But since I got to know Nathan on a more personal level, two things happened. Stan started acting jealous again – I haven't broken up with him – and I got jealous of Nathan because he seems a much better fit with Finnley than me. Which is stupid because both Finnley and Nathan said they weren't a good fit, not loving each other. But you can't overlook the resemblance between them.

"Well, you can go to Nathan on one condition." My dad looks at my mom, before looking back at me. "I want you home by ten and Nathan is dropping you off at home."

"Both fine." I shrug, since Nathan already agreed to pick me up and bring me home again. I don't like the idea of having to be home at ten, since it's already nearly eight in the evening, but fine. I'll behave. I need my rest anyway.

"Good, and you're going to stay home tomorrow and get some real rest." My mom takes over from my dad. "We don't want you to go out too much already. We agreed not to take you to hospital for a check-up, but we are careful with your health."

"I'm having a check-up Tuesday anyway." I groan. "I'm fine, I listen to my body and I sleep off most of the headaches instead of taking painkillers."

"Yeah, but until the doctor tells us you're fine we're keeping an extra eye on you."

"Because I am totally not eighteen years old and wise enough to know when to keep calm..." I chuckle, but god do I hate them pampering me like I'm a freaking baby instead of an eighteen-year-old guy.