When I woke up, I felt calm and content. To the point that it was impossible to not smile. While we had slept, I had turned around again, so I was facing Errol. His arms were still around me, and I used him as a pillow.

I straightened myself a bit to look at him. He was so peaceful. Even with the reddish bruise under his eye by his hairline from the fight, he looked almost angelic. No worry or fear or anything of the sort written across his face. Just looking at him made a smile spread over my lips, and I reached my fingers out to brush some of his hair back to see him even clearer. Sleep softened his features and made him look vulnerable in a way he seldomly let himself be. I wished he would let me care for him more often, that he wouldn't always be so busy carrying for me that he neglected himself.

My fingers traced his jawline, feeling a swelling warmth build in me. One which originated from my chest. Then I realised something which made any sense of calm and content crash and burn.

I had morning wood.

That in itself wasn't wrong. All men had it from time to time. But the timing of it was bad.

What would Errol think if he woke up and realised it? He would probably think I was weird or something. I mean, who got an erection while sleeping next to their best friend?

I needed it gone by the time he woke up. So I started moving away. Slowly and carefully to not wake him up. But even though he was still asleep, he reacted to my movements. He held me harder and closer. Pulled me towards his chest. Nuzzled his nose into my hair.

I sighed, and didn't resist his unconscious actions. It was comfortable. Cosy. Maybe the erection would go away on its own.

I closed my eyes to continue enjoying the still morning.

Errol moved a bit more. His lips ended up pressing against my head. I smiled to myself. Took a deep breath of him and couldn't imagine anything feeling as peaceful, as perfect as that moment did.

"Cameron," he mumbled.

My eyes shot up again. My thoughts ran in a million different directions, and I needed to get out of the bed. Needed space as my body burned with a bad type of fire, one which destroyed everything inside of me. Be damned if I woke him up in the process, I just needed to escape.

And that was exactly what happened when I pushed myself away from him.

He startled as his eyes opened. His arms were still partially around me.

"Sorry, I woke ye up. I just need the bathroom," I told him and sat up, got myself fully extracted from his embrace.

Before he had time to say anything, I was off the bed and in the bathroom.

With the door of the rather crammed bathroom locked behind me and the light flickering to life above me to reveal the green floor and walls, I leaned forward with my hands on the sink. My eyes were shut as I just let myself feel whatever everything was. I still wasn't sure. But it hurt. It hurt enough to bring tears to my eyes.

Of everything he could have said, why had it had to be his name? It was such a strong reminder of the things I already knew.

I wasn't the one closest to Errol anymore. Cameron was. They shared things we didn't. And it wasn't weird. Of course he'd be closer to someone who hadn't ever hurt him than to me. It was ridiculously really how I thought of mine and Errol's friendship. Yes, to me it was built on safety and comfort, on Errol always being there and protecting me. But for Errol it was built on years and years of hurt, of unrequited love. And now, all the comfort I stole from Errol wasn't anything I deserved. Sure, he had agreed to be friends again, but that didn't mean I deserved any of this.

I didn't deserve the way Errol had protected me the evening before and got hurt in the process.

And what was worse was that my damn erection wouldn't go away. It was still there begging for attention, and to just get rid of it, I decided to deal with it while shame and guilt crawled like ants over my body.

As I got closer to the release, my mind strayed to the scent of a loch.

With the morning wood gone, I splashed some water on my face to cool myself and wash off any traces of the tears from my eyes. Then I took a couple of steadying breaths while watching my reflection in the mirror. The yellow light from above made my face look sickly.

Errol was in the kitchen when I exited the bathroom. Had just poured a cup of tea for each of us.

I couldn't look at him.

After telling me to grab whatever I wanted for breakfast, he went to use the bathroom. I went to get more clothes on, food being far from my mind with how shame knotted my stomach. As I pulled my pants on, the doorbell rang.

"Can ye open it?" Errol yelled from the other side of the bathroom door.

I did as told. Regretted it immediately because what would be on the other side if not the reason for my devastating morning?

"What are ye doin' here?" Cameron asked me. During all our interactions before, I knew the hostility I felt from him was most likely just because of my insecurities. But this time was different. His words had carried spite, and his eyes narrowed in on me. I could practically taste the dislike rolling off him.

It made me shrink back. I deserved his dislike more than I deserved Errol's care.

It also tied my tongue, and before I found any words to answer, Errol showed up.

"Why are ye here so early?" Errol asked, combing his hair with his fingers.

"Early?" Cameron answered. "It's ten thirty."

Errol's eyes dashed to the clock on the wall, and he swore. "Bullocks. Had a bit of a rough night, so forgot to set the alarm."

"I can see that." Cameron's eyes travelled over both of our faces. "What happened to ye?" They landed on Errol.

"Just ran into some idiots," Errol shrugged. Then he cast a glance at the clock again. "Can ye go ahead to the restaurant an' tell them I'll be a bit late? Just gonna walk Alasdair home."

"No," I cut in. Was that how our friendship always had been? Errol sacrificing things over and over for my sake? Why did he? What had I ever given him to deserve any of that? "I'll just get home on my own."

"I'd feel better walkin'..."

"It's day again. No one will attack me or anythin'." I looked around, saw my jacket on the hanger. I took it and then stuffed my feet into my sneakers. They came on a bit off, the heel of the shoes somewhat bent under my feet.

"Don't be silly, Alasdair. Just give me a second to get my pants..."

"Really," I said and pressed myself past Cameron in the door. Or I didn't exactly have to press myself, he moved to the side for me. "Don't worry about me. Just get to work on time." I slipped out and hurried down the hall to the stairs of the apartment building. Walking away from shame, embarrassment, pain, and something much bigger but that I was unable to name.

"Alasdair, wait..." Errol protested. Those words were a small sun in my heart. But I needed to get out of there, so I was glad Cameron interrupted him before he had time to say anything which maybe would make me stop.

"Bloody hell, just let him leave." And for once, I agreed with Cameron.

When I was out on the street, I adjusted my shoes. Then I took off at a run. I needed to put as much distance as possible between me and Errol.

So I ran the whole way home.

I barely stopped even as I crossed roads. The cars swished by me dangerously close. People walking with coffee in their hands had to move out of the way for me. The cold autumn air stung in my chest like ice needles. A layer of sweat covered all of me.

As I entered my apartment, I was exhausted from the run. I kicked off my shoes, took off my jacket, then I sunk into my bed.

I hated this. The evening before, everything had felt so great between us. It had just felt so good, like how I wanted things to be. Comfortable and calm. Just us. Together.

It had been a space where I knew I would always be accepted for who I was. The good, but especially the bad. I could be a mess and Errol would accept me all the same. Would be patient and understanding.

It all had really been destroyed by the morning. Just like Daisy and Gatsby got to reconnect during the safety of night, but then morning brought reality, destroying their peace.

I wanted it to always be night.

But that was childish and impossible, and I needed to accept day as it was. Not how I wanted. Imperfect.

Errol had other things in his life. I couldn't be his sole focus like I wanted. And if anything, Cameron, who he actually had some romantic entanglement with, deserved to be his sole focus much more than me.

But all of that hurt so badly. Like poison in my blood. Like needles to my nerves. Like fire melting my flesh.

And I wanted nothing more than for Errol to come. For him to have gone after me. For him to have blown off work to instead make sure I was okay. That he would be there. Spooning me like he had done only a few hours ago. Our fingers lacing together. And then just be there. He wouldn't need to say or do anything else. Just be there. A steady and comforting presence.

I needed to accept reality, though. I couldn't live stuck in the night.

My phone rang. But I let it. I didn't have enough strength to get out of bed to answer.

From my messages recorder, my voice telling whoever had called to leave a message came.

Followed by his voice.

"Are ye home yet? I guess not. Please call the restaurant when ye get home so I can stop worryin'. I'll come by after work if I haven't heard from ye before then. Alright? I lo..." A deep sigh cut the word off. "I'll talk to ye later."

A beep resounded.

I knew I should have got out of bed. Should have called back. If nothing else so he'd stop worrying. But I didn't. I couldn't. I had absolutely no strength to do it.

Though I knew that made me even less deserving of his care. I only needed to be strong, not even strong, just normal, for a minute and I could remove any worry he was feeling. But I let him keep feeling that worry, knowing how it would affect him.

I really was not only an awful friend, but simply an awful human.

Because instead I let the pain and hurt take over. Acted egotistic. Self-centred. With no care about how I made the person I cared for the most feel.

Instead, I wallowed. Let all the emotions take over and pull me down. Ripped the bandage and plasters, which he had so carefully wrapped my wounds in, off my body as they were a physical reminder of all I didn't deserve.

I felt all the emotions in me, the whole devastating storm, with the thought that if I did, then it would be easier to live in reality afterwards.

So I felt the poison in my blood. The needles piercing my nerves. The fire melting my flesh.

I took my pillow, hugged it to my body as I cried until there was nothing left in me.