chapter fourteen
the rest is confetti

☼ ☽

Jill Samson used to think time was like a line. Everything happened when it was supposed to happen like it was set in stone and there was nothing she or anyone could do to change it. She thought there was a beginning when you enter the world screaming and an end where you drift off into peace. But as she walked home from the Arcade that night in her dirty clothes, it dawned on her that she had been wrong. Because time was not a line with a beginning and an end, time was made up of moments. These moments defined who she was and how she carried herself throughout her life. Moments fell around her like rain or fresh snow or even confetti. Every moment was sprinkled around her like pieces to a puzzle. They were all separate and yet pieced back together to shape the big picture forming in her subconscious.

As she rode home from the Arcade later that night, she realized she couldn't recall all the events that had happened that summer. Some memories seemed to be fading, creating a void where they once resided. But the things—the moments—she did remember stayed with her even when she drifted off to sleep. She remembered the rock war, and cleaning Beverly's bathroom, and kissing her best friend. She remembered all those moments like they were pieces to the puzzle of her life. And she held onto them, because they made her feel different. She wasn't angry when she remembered her time spent with the Losers' Club, maybe a wave of melancholy hit her every once in a while, but it was mostly nostalgic bliss which filled her.

The members of the Losers' Club were like fresh snow sprinkled around her, and it took losing them to realize just how much their friendship meant to her. When that dawned on her, she realized those memories would stay with her even if she'd never see any of them again, and that very thought brought a smile to her face. Maybe it wasn't what she was hoping for at the start of the summer, but it was something; something she'd always remember until time took her to rot with the weeds.

With her head tilted toward the night sky, Jill closed her eyes while she rode down the vacant street toward her apartment. The wind blew her choppy hair out of her face, causing it to whip behind her as she ceased peddling and let the bike lead her down the road. She felt the smile on her face widened as she thought back to the better times she spent with the Losers. She remembered things she didn't even know she had forgotten like when Eddie offered to give tips on how to disinfect her hands after she punched Henry Bowers's lights out, and she remembered the time Stanley called her up one day and asked if she wanted to go bird watching with him. She remembered all the little moments, even the painful ones, and yet, the smile still remained on her face.

Jill didn't know why she was smiling if she was being honest. She just knew moments to her were like emotions. She always felt a specific emotion attached to each of her memories as if she had transported herself back to the moment and felt every single emotion she was feeling at that point in time. And as everyone knew, Jill Samson had always felt in extremes. But at that exact moment, she had no idea how she felt. She couldn't name exactly what she was feeling no matter how hard she racked her brain for an answer. She just felt everything at once. It blended together into a blissful ache she couldn't decipher.

A sigh escaped her lips as she fluttered open her eyes to stare into the night sky's black abyss. But as soon as her vision focused, she felt her smile fade into a thin line. And as she looked into the sky, she decided the night was the darkest it had ever been that summer. The only light being the moon hanging high in the sky with the other satellites. Jill felt like it was watching her. It wasn't a comfortable gaze. It felt cold and distant, almost like it wasn't in the sky at all but in another far, far away universe. Whatever the reason, Jill despised it and she felt like she could no longer spill her soul to the moon. She almost felt like she and the moon were orbiting in different directions, getting farther away from each other by the second. So she averted her gaze back to the road and peddled home in silence with her heart slowly sinking in her chest.

When she arrived at the apartment complex, she felt goosebumps prickle her skin. She wasn't sure the exact reason for their appearance. Maybe it had something to do with the slight chill in the air, but she couldn't help but feel something was about to happen. Like an itch she couldn't reach, it persisted even as she ditched her bike in the alleyway and cautiously climbed up the fire escape, the feeling wouldn't budge. But as she reached the level where the Marshs' apartment was located, she discovered the reason behind her hesitation.

Beverly Marsh was seated on the edge of the fire escape steps with a cigarette between her fingers. The moon shining down upon her head illuminated the lighter hues in her orange hair, creating a fuzzy glow around the crown of her head. She didn't seem to notice Jill's figure at the bottom of the flight of stairs as she brought the cigarette up to her lips, ash crumbling off the end, and took a drag.

Jill trailed her eyes over the girl, trying not to run up the stairs and hug her. Call her codependant but she missed her best friend and even just a few hours apart had her regretting walking away from her during the divide of their dumb little club. But she refrained and stood there, taking in the ginger's appearance as she thought about what she would say to her. She wanted to ask why she was out so late and why she looked to distraught, but she didn't want to sound obnoxious. She didn't need Beverly hating her, especially after she had walked away from her just a few hours ago. But it appeared it didn't matter how many times she replayed the scenario out in her head, her feet had a different idea and she found herself walking up the steps to meet the redhead at the top of the stairs.

Beverly's blue eyes lifted from the ground and snapped to meet the brown ones staring down at her. She searched Jill's face for answers she didn't even know she was thinking, but she couldn't find any. It was almost as if there was a barrier between them. Her heart swelled in her chest at the thought, but she pushed her feelings away and offered a smile. "Hey . . . " she trailed off, gnawing on the insides of her cheeks as she slowly rose to her feet. She stared at the brunette in silence for a second longer before she dug into her pocket and pulled out a cigarette pack. "Uh . . . smoke?" She flipped open the lid and stretched out her hand to offer a cigarette to the girl.

Jill glanced between the ginger's face and the pack of cigarettes before she ultimately offered up a tight smile and plucked a cigarette stick from the bunch. She twirled it in her fingers as Beverly shoved the pack back into her pocket and began her search for the red lighter in her possession. The orange-haired girl slid the lighter out of her pocket and lit the butt of the cigarette dangling in between Jill's fingers. Jill uttered a response then brought the cigarette to her lips and took a long drag. She kept her eyes on Beverly, though.

The redhead sighed, swaying toward the railing of the fire escape. She rested her forearms on the railing and shifted her weight onto the cold metal as she stared into the night. Jill joined her a second later and leaned against the railing all the while taking drags of her cigarette. Ash crumbled off the end the more she inhaled, and she watched it float in the air. "Your dad . . . " Jill finally uttered, her voice sharp. She wondered for a second if her dad was the reason Beverly was outside. She'd bash his head in if that were the truth. "Did he . . . ?"

Beverly shook her head. "No . . . " was all she could manage. She inhaled a shaky breath of humid air and breathed out just as unsteadily. Her mind was somewhere else; somewhere she feared. And then she laughed, but it wasn't the kind which made you laugh as well nor was it the kind which sparked a bit of content in your heart; it was the kind which caused goosebumps to prickle your skin. "I told him I forgot to buy tampons so he thinks I'm at the pharmacy. He didn't like it but . . . whatever."

Jill's heart swelled in her chest. "Are you okay?" she asked as she peeked a glance at the ginger.

"What? Yeah, of course." Beverly offered up a smile and shrugged. "I just . . . I rang your doorbell when I came home but no one answered. Your dad came home about half an hour ago and said he hadn't seen you either, so I figured you went with Richie to the Arcade or somewhere," she explained, gesturing with her hands to emphasize her point. "Anyways, I just . . . I waited for you."

Jill furrowed her brows. She thought Beverly would have surely gone off with Bill. But she hadn't. She had come back to their apartment complex and waited until Jill returned home, and that confused her to no end. "Why?" she found herself asking before she could clamp a hand down on her mouth.

Something shifted in Beverly's eyes. "Because I . . . " she trailed off, the words getting tangled around her tongue. " . . . I just need to know if we're still friends."

"Yeah," Jill mumbled, but she kept her eyes trained on the ground below them. She and Beverly would always have a connection no matter where they ended up. It was odd, but she knew Beverly Marsh had been engraved into her heart next to her coronary arteries. However, there was nothing the ginger could say to make Jill join a suicide pact to hunt down the evil entity feeding off the people of Derry. She did not want to die to protect people who had spat on her and made her feel like nothing. She wouldn't. She couldn't. "But—" she took a drag from her cigarette and blew out smoke— "I won't help you beat this clown. I can't do it anymore. I can't kill It. I just . . . I can't, Bev."

Beverly tangled her hands in her orange curls. "But we can only stop it if we're all together," she explained in a hushed voice. Her eyes were ridden with anxiety, filled to the brim with too many emotions for her to bottle up. "It has to be the eight of us . . . not seven or six or five. Eight. It has to be eight . . . and if it's not, It will win." She shook her head and brought the cigarette up to her lips. "It will kill more people if we don't put a stop to it all." She took a drag from the cigarette, holding the smoke in her lungs.

Jill shook her head. "I won't sacrifice myself for those people," she blatantly stated as she clenched her jaw so hard her face had begun to ache. "They have never done anything for me except treat me like shit. Georgie's dead. There's no reason to stop It. It'll go away when it's done and then we can move on with our lives. I won't have to think about It or this town ever again." Her eyes shifted to meet Beverly's. "I won't give this town anything more. It's already taken too much from me. It's not taking my life."

"They're innocent kids, Jill," the Marsh girl whispered, her voice like daggers plunging into Jill's heart. "Kids our age are gonna' die and we can prevent that."

Jill shrugged and turned back to face the townscape. "The world's overpopulated anyway." She took another drag from her cigarette. It made her chest burn. "Besides . . . " she wet her lips and sighed, " . . . no one's innocent in Derry."

"Fine," Beverly spat, frustration dripping from her tongue. "But what if it's one of us? Like Bill said . . . are we just going to ignore it? Are we going to forget about one of our friends just like the rest of the town?"

"It wouldn't be our fault," Jill said, her voice void of emotion. She was trying to conceal her emotions, but she had never been good at containing her feelings. She knew she'd hate the world even more if one of the members of the Losers' Club went missing. She'd hate herself, but Jill Samson did not want to die. She did not want to be forever thirteen and trapped in Derry until all that was left of her were bones. She did not want to be one of the skeletons in Derry's closet. "It's out of our hands."

The ice in Beverly's veins thawed into molten lava. "But is it?" she questioned, her voice stern and brittle. "We can do something. Anything."

Jill looked at her and sighed. She just wanted to wrap her in a hug and forget that summer ever happened. She wanted to go back to eighth grade. She just wanted to be a kid again, because when you're a kid, you think bad things will never happen to you. But Jill now knew that was naive of her to believe, which only made her want to turn back time and wipe her memory. She wanted to be wrapped in ignorant bliss once again. "I know you're always trying to do the right thing and stand up for what you believe in, but Bev—" she paused, searching those blue eyes with her own dark brown ones— "you or one of us dying should never have to be the price of someone else's survival."

Beverly scoffed and took a drag from her cigarette before she put it out on the railing and flicked it to the ground. "Not doing anything makes us worse than that fucking clown," she spat, crossing her arms over her chest.

The tension surrounding them was enough to make Jill want to recoil into herself. She felt the urge to laugh or do anything other than just stand there awkwardly staring at the ginger like she was waiting for her to combust into confetti. Say something, Jill. Anything. She kept her mouth sealed. You idiot! Speak! She opted for clearing her throat. "Last time I checked, you don't eat shitty little kids for dinner," she finally blurted out. Beverly didn't look amused. Fuck, take it back.

A groan escaped Beverly's lips before Jill could dig herself out of the grave she had fallen into. "You don't fucking get it."

"I do. I do get it," Jill protested, her brows low on her face as she analyzed the girl beside her. "And I know you're a good person, Bev. You don't need to save the world to prove it."

A small laugh escaped Beverly's lips, but she didn't seem amused. "No, you don't get it. You really don't, because if you did you'd know I don't care about saving assholes who call me cock-biter or throw money at me because they think I'll have sex with them. I don't care about those assholes. They can get eaten for all I care. But what I do care about is saving the people who matter to me." Her face swirled with pain as she met Jill's eyes. She appeared to be fighting with herself on whether or not she should utter the thoughts plaguing her mind. When her mind was made, she sighed. "I don't want to save the world and I don't want to save any of these assholes in Derry . . . what I want is to save you."

Jill swore her heart stopped. "Oh."

Tears threatened to spill over Beverly's cherry cheeks. "I just can't lose you, okay?" she whispered, her voice fragile and soft. Jill felt her heart swell in her chest at the sound of her tone. "And I'm afraid if we don't stop this thing, It'll kill you . . . and I'll lose you."

Jill's eyes softened, and she did the only thing that came to her mind, she stepped forward and wrapped an arm around Beverly's shoulders, pulling her body into hers. She bent down to rest her head on top of hers. "I'm never going to leave you. Not now, not tomorrow, not even in a month, not ever, you hear? As long as I'm alive, I'm never leaving your side. Not even a goddamn child-eating demon clown is going to separate us." Beverly wrapped her arms around the girl and sunk into her. "Being your best friend means I promised to never abandon you, and I don't intend to break that promise."

Beverly nodded into her shoulder, then pulled back with a small smile resting on her face. "So we are still friends then?" she asked with a laugh as she wiped her wet cheeks.

Jill nursed her cigarette. "Obviously, stupid."

Beverly playfully rolled her eyes. "I hate you."

A smile lifted onto Jill's face as she took a drag from her cigarette. "I hate your face." She blew smoke into Beverly's face. Beverly waved her hand in front of her face to clear her vision of the smoke, and then she laughed. It was a pleasant laugh—one that Jill missed hearing.

Beverly's laughter faded into silence, but the soundless void was different now. It wasn't awkward or filled with tension like it had been all the other times and it didn't wrap its arms around the girls and enclose them in a cold embrace. It was different . . . warm. Yeah, Jill confirmed, it was warm. Like a tear on a cheek. Like when you stand in the rain and the water droplets pelt your skin like a fresh layer of skin. Jill hated the rain, but this . . . this made her almost wish to experience dancing in the rain.

But silence was a tricky thing. It never lasted for long, and Beverly found herself breaking it first. She didn't feel awkward or anything like that. She only had too many questions swirling in her brain and she wanted answers to the one that had been plaguing her mind since yesterday night. "So we never talked about that night," Beverly mumbled, peeking a glance at Jill out of the corner of her eyes. "I mean you said it was nothing, but I don't know. I guess I'm just wondering if it really was nothing . . . "

Jill furrowed her brows. "What night?" she asked, trying to play dumb. She knew she was talking about the night she kissed her, but she couldn't make that obvious. Maybe Beverly was talking about another night. Maybe just maybe she was, and Jill could make it out of this conversation without getting her heart shattered into a million pieces. So she played dumb and took one last drag from her cigarette before she put it out and flicked it into the air.

"When you were drunk," Beverly quickly breathed out.

Jill swore her heart tore through her visceral organs and plummeted to her stomach. "Oh."

"Yeah."

The Samson girl squeezed her eyes shut until she saw stars. She wished she could disappear into them and escape from the situation she had found herself in, but this was real life, and she couldn't fade away, she had to face it all. Or . . . she could lie. If she lied, then the chance of Beverly dropping her because of her stupid crush would be eliminated. They could continue on as friends. That was enough for Jill. She just needed Beverly Marsh in her life. "I'm really sorry about that," she muttered, gnawing on the inside of her cheeks until she could taste blood. "I told you I was just drunk. That's it."

Beverly shook her head and laughed, but her eyes stayed gloomy. "No, don't apologize. It happens . . . I guess. I just wanted to know if it meant anything. I just . . . it's been on my mind ever since it happened and I can't stop thinking about it." She shrugged and leaned her weight against the railing, peering over the townscape.

"Oh . . . um . . . it was nothing. I swear," Jill said, stumbling over her words slightly. Her heart felt like it was being torn out of her chest and ripped layer by layer, but she couldn't let Beverly know that. It would only ruin things. "It was just a silly drunk kiss. No . . . no reason."

Beverly offered a strained smile. "Okay . . . good, because I didn't want our friendship to be ruined because of it or anything else," she muttered as she pried at the loose strings on her clothes. "It's just you're my best friend, you know? I'm kind of codependent and if you start avoiding me I might just waste away."

A scream manifested in Jill's throat as she stared at Beverly Marsh. Her hair really was a winter fire, illuminating the night sky. If Jill squinted, she was sure she'd mistake Beverly as the moon hanging in the sky. It was just like when they were kids and Jill started referring to her as the moon and herself as the sun. She was still just as lovely, mysterious, and cool. "Nothing could ruin us, Bev. You're my best friend," she mumbled as a small smile plastered onto her face. Jill was never good at concealing her emotions so naturally, the smile felt forced. She wanted to rip it off her face and cry, but she couldn't let Derry see her like that and she certainly couldn't let Beverly either. "I hate everyone else in the world but you." She wrapped her hand around Beverly's and gave it a squeeze. "I couldn't live without you."

Beverly smiled and shifted her hand to squeeze Jill's. Then the silence came. It seeped back into their lives, splitting the two apart just like the sea. The soundless void wasn't warm this time, it was cold, so very, very cold. It was so cold, it thawed Jill to the bone. Beverly must have felt it too, since one minute she was standing so stiff she looked like a photograph, then the next she was turning to Jill with a wide smile on her face. "Hey, remember when you fell off this?" she asked, gesturing to the railing.

Jill snorted as she thought about her unclassy fall to the ground when she was just a kid. She supposed she really should have listened to her father when he scolded her for dangling off the rails. She was lucky to be alive. She knew she was and it appeared so did It. The thought caused chills to run down her spine. It had taunted her about the scar on her chest which she received from being an idiot and dangling off the railings. "Yeah, it hurt like a bitch," she said, forcing the words out of her mouth so she could focus on her voice instead of the monster which lurked in the Well House.

Beverly glanced at the brunette. "How's the scar by the way?" she asked. Her hand shot forward to peel away the flannel covering the scar on Jill's chest. She stared at it for a moment, then retracted her hand and glanced up to meet the brown eyes watching her.

Jill offered a forced smile. "Gnarly." She peeled back the flannel further, so the large scar could be seen clearly through the dark. The moonlight shone across it and illuminated the healed-over skin. She thought it was ugly. It had always been ugly. And it only reminded her of how stupid she could be when her stubborn nature and impulsivity crashed into each other and exploded into pieces.

"What did I use to say about it?" the Marsh girl questioned as she tapped her finger on her chin. A second later, she snapped her fingers at the same time her eyes widened in realization. "Wait, oh my god, I remember. I used to say you got it because your heart was too big for your body." She laughed. The sound caused stupid butterflies to fly around in Jill's stomach. "God, we were such weird kids."

The Samson girl shook her head and waved her finger back and forth. "Correction," she pursed her lips and looked the girl up and down, "you were weird."

Beverly snorted. "Oh, shut up," she said as she lightly shoved Jill's shoulder. Jill laughed. It felt oddly nice to laugh with Beverly again. "But you know . . . I hear chicks dig scars."

Jill emitted a strained laugh. "Is that so?" she asked. She raised her brow in a confident manner, but her cherry cheeks gave her away.

"Yeah," Beverly confirmed, "boys, too." And just like that, Jill's heart thawed. But the redhead didn't seem to notice as her friend shifted awkwardly on the balls of her feet, and instead, she continued on with her thoughts. "So should I?" She gestured to the railing, gripping onto the cold metal as if she were about to lift herself onto it. "Maybe that will get the guys to notice me."

"Trust me, everyone notices you," Jill said, her heart a little heavier now. "You're hard to miss." She smiled, but it didn't reach her eyes.

Beverly's brows raised high on her forehead, disappearing behind her orange bangs. "Oh, really?" She made a face as if she were considering the idea, then she pursed her lips and shook her head. "Should I still try it?"

It was a laugh that followed her question, and before Jill could stop her from making the same stupid mistake she had made years ago, Beverly shrugged and made an advance to climb onto the railing. The redhead gripped onto the railing and pulled herself onto it. She cautiously steadied herself on the railing, using her hands to support her and keep her from falling. Jill stepped forward, her hands stretched out in front of her in preparation in case the girl fell. Beverly swatted away the hands reaching out to her, and then slowly rose to her feet so she was standing straight on the railing. She slowly stretched out her arms at her sides and tilted her head toward the night sky. A smile lifted onto her face as she stared at the moon hanging in the sky and the moon stared back at her. That was when she allowed herself to laugh.

The sound of her laughter caused Jill to laugh. "You're insane," she exclaimed. Her hands were still only a few inches away from Beverly's waist. She was prepared to catch her if things took a nasty turn. She couldn't let Beverly fall and experience the same recovery Jill had.

Beverly slowly angled her head at Jill, so the two of them were locking eyes. The smile never left her freckled face, it only grew the longer she looked at her best friend. And as they stared into each other's eyes, time seemed to stop. The seconds ticked by, but the two of them stayed frozen as the world rotated on its axis around them. Time melded into moments—the moments they had experienced together throughout the years. Then their moments were falling around them like confetti . . . from the first time they met on the fire escape to the time they snuck off in the middle of the night to the Ogdens' lake. But then their moments reached a limit, and it was Beverly who was falling into Jill.

Before either of them could even register what was happening, Beverly had already slipped on the railing and collided into Jill, creating a small eclipse. Jill managed to wrap an arm around Beverly's waist and reach out to grab the railing with her other hand before both of them collided with the ground. Beverly didn't seem fazed in the slightest as she buried her head into Jill's shoulder and laughed. Her body shook as she laughed, sending vibrations through Jill's body. And soon, Jill was laughing so hard her lungs hurt.

Beverly peeled her body from Jill's and ran her hands through her hair, but laughter still shook throughout her body. Jill did the same. She laughed and laughed and laughed until her lungs were practically crying out for her to breathe. As she laughed, her thoughts drifted away. And then she wasn't thinking anymore. "Oh my god, I love you," Jill exclaimed through her laughs before she could register what she was saying. And then, the world stopped.

Abrupt silence consumed the two as their laughter faded into nothing. Jill subconsciously stumbled backward as if her words had wounded her. Her eyes were wide and still. She feared if she moved another inch, she'd combust or puke all over herself. Sure they'd said they loved each other before, but it never sounded like that. Jill had never told Beverly she loved her with her whole heart. The words had never sounded that raw—that real—before, and they had both heard the difference.

Beverly broke the silence first. "It meant something, didn't it?" she asked, her voice soft and low. It was like poison in Jill's veins. Jill didn't want this. She didn't want her to know. She didn't want this. She didn't fucking want this. "The kiss. It meant something."

Tears pricked at her eyes, but Jill ignored them. She couldn't let Derry see her cry. Not now. Not like this. "I'm so sorry. Fuck, I didn't mean to say that. I'm sorry," was all she could manage to say. She kept repeating the apology like if she said it enough times, Beverly would shrug and continue joking about stupid shit they did when they were kids. But Jill couldn't escape from this.

Beverly inhaled unsteadily and stepped forward. "Jill, did it mean something?" she questioned in a calm tone, but her voice cracked as the words left her lips.

Jill looked at her. Beverly appeared to be fighting off tears as well. That was when she knew she had to do something. She had to come clean about how she felt, and then maybe it would all work out. She had to believe that even if Beverly didn't feel the same, she'd still be her friend. She just knew she couldn't live in a world without Beverly Marsh. She just fucking couldn't. It would take everything out of her. She needed to be around her, or else she thought she might just waste away into nothing.

"Jill," Beverly whispered. The tone of her voice pleaded with her to confess.

If Jill had to come clean about her crush, she'd do it in the only way she knew how. She couldn't explain it any other way than the way she had come to terms with her own feelings over the past few years. So, Jill gathered enough courage to wet her lips and breathe in a shaky breath. "Moments fall around us like rain," she whispered.

Beverly wiped her eyes and scoffed. "What?"

"Just . . . just listen." Jill squeezed her eyes shut, waiting for the stars in the darkness to welcome her. They gave her courage. And when the courage of the stars enlightened her, she opened her eyes and looked into Beverly's blue ones. "I used to think time was like this line, but it's not." She shook her head and sighed. "Time is made up of moments and moments are connected to our emotions. We remember the important things . . . the moments that made us feel different. The sad ones and the good ones and everything in between. We remember them, but we can't exactly place them in our minds because they're moments. They're out of place. Like pieces to a puzzle."

Beverly narrowed her brows. "I don't get it."

Jill managed to smile as she continued in a softer voice. "Our moments fall around us like rain . . . or snow . . . or even confetti." She emitted a small laugh and waved her hands around to imitate confetti falling to the ground. "They're scattered around us, embedded in our lives like fresh snow. You are scattered into so many pieces of my life and I remember every moment I have ever spent with you, because there is no without when you're around. It's just us. It's always been just us. And yet I can't figure out how to collect all the pieces." The tears spilled over her cheeks but she didn't bother to wipe them away. Derry could go fuck itself. "You are like pieces to a puzzle that I am still trying to solve, but that doesn't matter because even if I don't have all of you, you're still here. You're here and I'm here and I—"

Beverly interrupted her. "What are you trying to say, Jill?" she asked, her voice weak.

The tears clouded her vision. Jill blinked, allowing them to spill over her cheeks. She inhaled a shaky breath then sighed. "I guess what I'm trying to say is . . . I love you . . . completely," she confessed. "I love you so much sometimes I feel like I can barely breathe." She held a hand to her heart, trying to emphasize just how much Beverly meant to her. Oddly enough, her heart didn't feel heavy, it was as light as a feather. "And I can only hope you love me the same. That's all. The rest is confetti." And as those last words left her lips, a smile lifted onto her face. She finally felt like she could breathe.

Beverly stared into her eyes for a while after the silence consumed them again. Tears had begun to well in her eyes as she slightly shook. She just kept staring like she was frozen in time. But then something flashed in her eyes, and she suddenly wasn't staring anymore, she was moving . . . moving toward Jill. And then her lips were crashing down onto Jill's and the world slowly started to fall away, layer by layer until it was just them and the comforting silence of the night.

Jill's eyes flew open in shock as she stood there, frozen in place as Beverly kissed her. It only registered in her mind what was happening a second later, and then she was kissing her back. This kiss wasn't like the last one they shared. They were both inexperienced, but it was somehow better that way. It was slow and soft, comforting in ways that words would never be. She slowly curled Beverly's orange hair behind her ear before she rested her hand there, her thumb caressing her cheek as their breaths mingled. She brought her other hand to Beverly's chin, tilting it up. She reached to pull her closer, but before she could, the door to Beverly's apartment level swung open, slamming loudly against the wall.

The two girls jumped apart, stumbling away from the door with their hearts hammering in their chests. Their eyes darted to the door, squinted to see who was the figure standing in the darkness of the hall. But as soon as the figure stepped into the light, they regretted not taking off down the fire escape and getting the hell out of there. Because in the threshold of the door stood Alvin Marsh with a beer in his hand and a deep frown on his face.

Beverly stepped in front of Jill. "Dad?"

The man only frowned more. His blond hair appeared to be white under the light of the moon. The light also made his skin look pale and sickly. If Jill didn't already know him, she'd probably mistake him as a ghost. "I heard a noise . . . I thought . . . Beverly, what are you doing?" he asked, his voice gruff. Jill hated his voice. Actually, she hated everything about him.

"Nothing," Beverly said as she shrugged. "Jill and I were just talking."

Al sauntered forward with his finger pointed at her. "You were kissing her." He shoved his finger at Jill and shook his head in disgust. "You were—"

"No!" Beverly protested, waving her hands in front of her to emphasize her words. "I wasn't. I wouldn't." As that word left Beverly's lips, Jill's heart sunk. She wondered if Beverly regretted kissing her or if she only did it so Jill wouldn't feel like a complete idiot.

The man threw his beer bottle over the edge of the fire escape then shoved his hand out to grab Beverly's arm. "Don't tell me I'm wrong. I know what I saw. I can't—" he cut himself off and tightened his hold on Beverly's arm. Beverly whimpered, and Jill stepped forward, her fists clenched at her sides. "I told you to stay away from her last year. I told you she was nothing but trouble. I told you she'd corrupt you and now she finally has."

"No!" Beverly cried, tears leaking down her face. "We weren't doing anything."

Alvin Marsh practically growled in anger, baring his yellow teeth at his daughter. "Don't you dare lie to me!" he yelled, causing Beverly to flinch away from him.

Jill had enough. "Get off of her!" she yelled as the anger in her veins coursed through her body like molten lava. She tried to pull him off of her, but he pushed her away, causing her to collide with the railing. The metal of the railing dug into her back as she tried to regain her composure.

Al wasted no time and paid no attention to Jill, who looked like her head was about to explode. "You're not my little girl anymore, are you?" he grumbled into Beverly's ear.

Beverly had begun to sob. "No, I am. I am your girl," she cried, her voice cracking as she cowered away from him. Jill felt her heart swell in her chest.

"Good," he spat. "Now get inside." He threw Beverly inside and shoved a finger at their open apartment door. But Beverly didn't move, instead, she locked eyes with Jill and sobbed harder. Jill shook her head and stood to her feet, making an advance toward her best friend, but a hand wrapping around her wrist stopped her. She looked up to see Alvin Marsh staring down at her with disgust and hatred in his eyes.

"Let go of me!" Jill spat, gritting her teeth as more tears slipped down her cheeks. At this point, she didn't care if Derry saw her cry, it had already taken everything else from her.

The man shook his head. "Stay away from her, you hear? She knows girls shouldn't kiss other girls. She just felt sorry for you is all. She could never be like you," he seethed, his words like kerosene in Jill's veins. He took one last look at her before he threw her to the ground, walked inside the hallway leading to his apartment, and slammed the white door in her face.

The white door was the only thing Jill saw before her vision clouded with tears. She wept on the cold metal of the fire escape landing, the silence of the night wrapping its cold arms around her in a deadly embrace. She sat there for a few minutes, thinking about what Alvin Marsh had said before it dawned on her that he might have been right. She realized Beverly had probably just kissed her out of pity and that was that. She didn't actually like her, and who could blame her? Jill knew everyone hated her. She knew the world and everyone living on it had something against her. She shouldn't have expected Beverly to feel any different. That was her first mistake.

When the silence became too much to bear, Jill peeled herself from the metal landing and numbly dragged herself to the level her apartment was located on. She didn't even remember opening the level's door or walking down the hall to her apartment. She just remembered arriving there and then she was taking out her key that was stuffed in the front pocket of her overalls, and opening the door to her apartment. A hiccup left her lips as she entered the apartment and slammed the door behind her.

"Jill?" her father's voice rang throughout the apartment. His figure appeared out of the darkness a second later. "I was just about to leave but—" His words stopped short when he caught sight of her appearance. "What's wrong?"

Jill didn't say anything, she didn't even look up to meet his eyes, she just stumbled toward him and wrapped her arms around his waist. She pulled him close to her and buried her head into the fabric of his button-up shirt. He smelt of blueberry pancakes and cherry cola—a smell he must have acquired from his day's work at Bernie's. He was probably only there to change and eat before he headed off to work at Presto for the night. But right now, she didn't care about that. She didn't care that she'd probably spend the night crying herself to sleep, she only cared that he was there now. She just wanted someone to hug her, and so he did. He wrapped his arms around his daughter, and Jill let him.

a/n: um so yeah,,,,, i'm sorry!!! also yeah "the rest is confetti" is from thohh and can you blame me??? i'm obsessed.

n e wayz there are three-four ish chapters left plus two extra tingz at the end but i might write extra scenes when the book is finished. like if anyone wants to see a specific scene of them or a second epilogue or whatever, then i can arrange that!!!

thanks for reading!