chapter four
methods of catharsis

☼ ☽

          Anger had a way of making you tired, but it was the guilt that kept you from falling asleep. So Jill Samson lied awake in bed that night, counting invisible sheep as the hours passed. She never could trick herself into falling asleep with one of those useless tips parents told their children. When she had something on her mind, she couldn't fall asleep. She just thought too much to ever quiet her mind. Even on the first days of school, she would lie awake all night until she had to get ready because she psyched herself out so much over how the first day was going to go.

The brunette shot up in her bed and reached for the box hidden under her bed. Yeah, you got that right—when Jill couldn't sleep, she wrote. It wasn't like she was getting anywhere by counting imaginary sheep as the hours ticked by. She took out her journal and grabbed a pen from inside the box. She didn't even need to think about what was really keeping her up that night, instead, her hand took the initiative for her as words began to appear on the page.

B. Marsh,

Today you asked me why I have a vendetta against Bill. Well, Bev, it's because I hate his fucking guts.

She hadn't known how much time had passed since she had written the first word, but she didn't care. She still felt wide awake. She guessed the events of that day were bothering her a little more than she liked to let on. Fuck.

An irritated grunt left her lips as she shoved the box back under her bed. She crossed her arms over her chest and leaned back against the wall with a huff. If she wanted to she could grab a late-night snack but then she'd risk running into her father and god knows he'd want to talk. He always wanted to talk. A part of her knew he tried with her because he wanted back the docile girl she used to be before her mother left. But Jill didn't want to be docile and she didn't want to try with him. She wanted to be heard and she wanted her mother back.

Fuck, the anger was back.

Jill wanted to punch something, but she refrained. Instead, she pulled open the drawer to her nightstand and reached for a small box hidden in it. She carefully opened the box and pulled out jumbled pictures of her mother. The top photo must have been taken a few years ago at the lake they used to go to on the weekends. Elizabeth was crouched in a shallow part of the lake with a camera in her hands. Her hair was as dark as the night sky, tied into a low bun at the nape of her neck. She was laughing. Like really laughing with her head tilted back and her eyes closed. She seemed happy. Almost free.

Jill wished she could merge into the picture and hug her. Just one last time.

The Samson girl stared at the photo a second longer almost as if she were trying to memorize it before she put the lid back on the box and shoved it into the drawer. With a sigh, Jill moved to grab the camera resting on her nightstand. Her mother wasn't here, but Jill could still remember her through a lens. Plus, she figured why not give it a go since she wasn't falling asleep any time soon.

She walked to her window, ignoring the way the cold floors sent chills up her spine as she seated herself on her windowsill. She let her foot dangle from the edge while the other was bent close to her face. She let out a heavy sigh, resting her cheek on her knee and absentmindedly staring at the pale moon through the lenses of her camera. But it wasn't the silver satellite she saw. Instead, her eyes traced the outline of Beverly's sloped nose in the crevasses of the moon. She guessed her abstract way of thinking in poems was really screwing her over now. She couldn't get the redhead out of her head, and instantly her chest tightened. Her chest felt empty; she felt empty and when Jill was hollow, she had no inspiration.

Jill bit her lip in frustration. Nothing was working out the way she wanted it to. It had been what felt like hours of endless torture since she felt Beverly pulling away from her. It felt the same as it did when they were kids and Beverly started hanging around Bill for the play. For some reason, it felt like Hell. Like a continuous loop of never-ending heartache and Jill was forced to endure it for whatever fucked up reason. But she couldn't just hide away in her room forever, she had to face the music.

Jill huffed and threw her camera on her quilted twin-sized bed beside her open window, then hopped out the window. Her feet hit the metal of the fire escape with a thud, but she didn't dwell on if her father heard it or not, she just kept moving. She walked down the steps leading to her destination without a second thought. Her brows pinched together once she arrived at Beverly's open bedroom window. Beverly never left her window unlocked, but it was wide open and that worried the brunette.

She threw one leg across the threshold and ducked under the window, pulling her body through it and hopping into the dimly-lit room. Her eyes trailed over the empty room. Clothes were thrown all over the place, littering the floors and a few shirts draped over the bed in the middle of the room. A few books were thrown across the room, adding to the clutter. The plastic bag containing the box of tampons was wedged under the bed at an odd angle which made Jill wonder if it had intentionally been placed there or thrown in that direction.

"Bev?" Jill hesitantly whispered into the eerily silent room. She didn't want to be too brash or else Alvin Marsh would hear and holy fuck if she had to deal with that son of a bitch, she might just snap and kill the man. "Bev, where are you?"

No answer followed her whispers.

Jill took a few steps forward until she reached the bedroom door. She slowly turned the knob and opened the door, cringing at the creek of the hinges. She instinctively clenched her fists, preparing herself to punch Beverly's dick of a father in the face if he was waiting around the corner. She blew out air through her nose and peeked her head out of the room.

"Beverly," she whispered, raising her voice a little. She knew she was testing the waters and they were red hot. Fuck, she'd be in so much shit if Beverly was out and the only warm body in the apartment was Alvin Marsh and his visceral desires.

A tuff of red hair peeped out of the bathroom door, facing the other way before Beverly turned toward Jill. Her blue eyes softened when she saw the gangly girl standing by her bedroom door, her hands clasped in front of her and she wore a concerned, wide-eyed look.

Beverly waved her over, then disappeared back into the bathroom. She hurriedly tried to clean up the mess she had made, but the clunks of hair clogging the sink, prevented her from washing away the evidence. She squeezed her eyes shut, then opened them only to be met with a reflection of herself she wanted to forget. Salty tears stained her rosy cheeks and her hair was uneven and choppy. She harshly wiped her cheeks, angrily staring at her expression in the smudged mirror. She hated this feeling so fucking much.

"Bev, why's the window—" Jill cut herself off when her eyes absorbed the scene in front of her—the shaking redhead who was hunched over the small sink. Jill averted her attention from Beverly's tear-stained cheeks to the scissors resting on the edge of the sink to the chunks of red hair that surrounded it. If she hadn't known better she would have mistaken the small bathroom for a crime scene.

Beverly looked like an absolute mess. Her once long red waves were choppily cut short, all uneven and gathered around her eyes. But it wasn't the redhead's hair that caught the brunette off guard, it was the utter look of despair on her freckled face that made Jill's heart drop and she thought this must have been what true pain felt like.

Fuck. This had to be Alvin Marsh's doing. Jill was going to kill him.

"Beverly," Jill slowly began, "what happened to your hair?"

Beverly unsteadily sighed, turning around to face Jill as more tears threatened to spill over her cheeks. She tried averting her gaze from Jill, but she felt herself subconsciously meeting her friend's stare. It was then as blue met brown, Beverly finally cracked. "My dad touched me and—" the redhead croaked, fighting back the tears which pricked her eyes— "I just wanted to do something he couldn't ruin. I wanted something I could ruin for myself, but I think it got a little out of hand. Now . . . I look like a fuckin' boy."

Beverly angrily gripped her short hair in her hands, pulling on the roots as she whimpered. Jill immediately shot forward, grabbing Beverly's arms and pulling her hands away from her hair as she rubbed her thumb over the redhead's skin.

"No, you don't," Jill cooed. "Granted you're no professional hairstylist."

Jill lightly chuckled and shook her head which made Beverly crack a small grin as she squeezed the brunette's hand. The brunette's chest tightened and she couldn't stop the smile from beaming on her face. Her cheeks lit up with a cherry red as she bowed her head bashfully. "But I think you look beautiful," she mumbled. Her eyes grew wide a second later when she realized what she had said. "Uh . . . I mean your hair. Your hair looks beautiful. Not that you're not, but your hair is—it's nice."

"You think?" Beverly asked with a smile and soon she felt herself slowly easing into Jill's touch.

"Yeah, you always look," Jill paused, "beau—nice. You look nice all the time." The brunette couldn't see how Beverly Marsh could have gotten any prettier, but she had somehow done it, and Jill Samson knew, hair or no hair, the redhead would always be close to perfection.

Beverly shifted her eyes to the floor, crossing her arms over her chest. "Do you think the boys will make fun of me tomorrow?"

Jill bit her tongue and clenched her fists. Why did she have to ask that? Did their opinions truly mean that much to her? Wasn't Jill's enough? Besides, Beverly didn't need anyone else's opinion, even Jill's; she just needed to like the change for herself, nobody else concerned. And especially if one of those opinions meant Bill's input. Because fuck Bill. His opinion didn't matter. Only Beverly's opinion on herself should have mattered.

Jill wanted to tell Bev it didn't matter what stupid boys like Bill thought about her, but she kept her anger to herself and forced a smile for her friend. Beverly needed to be reassured and even if it hurt the brunette, Jill would ignore the pain in her chest and laugh it off.

"They won't. I swear. They'd be out of their minds to even think about making fun of you," Jill whispered with a small smile spread across her face. "Plus, if they do, I'll kill them."

Beverly cracked a grin. "Good, because I think I might be starting to like it," she admitted, tucking her short curls behind her ear.

Jill wished to reach out and curl the fallen strands out of Bev's face so she could see her eyes, but instead, she clenched her hands by her sides and cleared her throat. "But we have to clean this up if we're planning on going to the Quarry tomorrow," she said with a soft grin. "We wouldn't want people thinking you got a mullet. Henry Bowers is enough evidence to know that looks disgusting on literally everyone."

Jill flicked her eyes to the scissors resting on the edge of the sink. "Hand over the scissors," she said with a nod, stretching out her hand.

Beverly nodded, letting a small laugh escape her lips as she passed Jill the scissors and faced the mirror. Jill took a deep breath before reaching up and grasping Beverly's red curls in her hands before snipping the uneven strands.

Once Jill was finished, she set the scissors back on the sink's edge. She watched as Beverly leaned forward and stared into the mirror with a concentrated look. Bev sighed and furrowed her brows as she brought her hand up to gingerly touch the short curls. Jill gently rubbed Beverly's shoulder with her hand and squeezed. The two locked eyes and Jill offered a smile which Bev returned.

"I'll be in your room," Jill informed, exiting the bathroom and leaving Beverly alone to adjust to the new change. The brunette figured her friend would need space, especially with the new changes she needed adapting to with her hair and all. Besides, she was getting pretty tired from all the commotion. She figured once Beverly was done, the two of them could fall asleep. But when they woke up, they'd have to go to the Quarry and that made Jill want to turn back the time.

Jill flopped down on the bed, grabbing the light pink blanket draped over the side to wrap herself in it. She extended her legs, pointed her toes to stretch the muscles. Her muscles felt like melting butter, liquifying underneath her skin. She felt sleep calling out to her, and she let herself be swept up in the bliss for a moment. Her eyes fluttered closed as her mind began to drift.

Someone poked her nose, pulling her out of her almost slumber. "Boop, boop, boop," a soft voice repeatedly mumbled as a finger tapped on her nose.

Jill scrunched her nose, wiggling it back and forth. She fluttered her eyes open to see Beverly staring at her, blue eyes wide with amusement. "You think you're funny, don't you?" Jill asked, a smile lifting onto her face.

"Uh, duh," Beverly snorted. "Everyone thinks so."

Jill playfully shoved the girl's shoulder. "You're dumb."

"Says—" Beverly tapped her nose again— "you."

Jill cracked a grin and scooted closer to Beverly until their arms were touching. Her arm was cool against the brunette's burning skin, and one could say it was almost relieving. The brunette glanced over to stare at the moon through the open window. While Jill stared into the night, Beverly stared at Jill. It was peaceful. Almost ethereal. They both enjoyed being immersed in the feeling even if it were only for a few hours.

Jill had a small smile on her face. Smiling seemed to be a common occurrence with Beverly by her side. "I love the night," she whispered, her voice soft. "The moon's always so beautiful, especially in the summer."

Beverly furrowed her brows, her hands finding their way into her short ginger curls, twirling her fingers in the strands. "Why do you like the moon so much?" she pondered out loud, turning her head to look out the window.

The redhead could never tell what Jill was thinking. It always seemed Jill was on another planet, or maybe it seemed that way because she saw beauty where it wasn't supposed to be. That's what Beverly admired most about her; Jill was always so out of this world.

Almost as if there was an energy pulling her toward the redhead, Jill averted her gaze to the ginger. The moonlight reflected off Beverly's face, giving her already stark skin an even paler glow. And that was where she found her answer—in the soft lines of Beverly Marsh's face. Jill continued to wander her narrowed eyes over the redhead as millions of different thoughts swarmed around in her brain.

Beverly's hair was an autumn red moon and hanging full and hazy, beneath that fire were her deep pools of azure that shone with stardust in the moonlight. The moon reflected in her eyes, a cap of dark clouds and clusters of constellations. That was when everything finally fell into place. "It makes me feel safe," Jill admitted with a sigh. "Like no matter where I go, I just have to look up at the sky and there it is watching over me."

Beverly's face softened, and she swore it seemed Jill wasn't just referring to the pale moon, but she didn't dwell too long. "Well, I don't know about you but I think I like the sun better," she blurted out.

Jill furrowed her brows and slightly shook her head. The moon was obviously the best. Plus, it reminded her of Beverly—lovely, mysterious, and cool. It held secrets she could never truly understand and perhaps that was what captivated her so much. "Why?" Jill asked, confused about how the sun could possibly be better than the moon.

Bev smiled, seemingly deep in thought. "Do you remember the first day we met?"

"Duh."

Beverly let out a breathy laugh as she thought back to the day the two met. She remembered that her father had left bruises painted on her stark arms—bruises she tried many times to wipe off, but like some sick joke, she could never fully be rid of the stains.

"I was sitting alone on the fire escape. I remember I couldn't open my eyes because of how much I was crying. I remember I was trying not to, but it just came out . . . and then you came along, sat down right beside me, and asked me if I was okay. I thought it was sweet because no one had ever asked me that before. No one had cared enough. But you did," Beverly said, her voice low and light. "Then after a while, you asked if I wanted to be your friend." She glanced over at the brunette and smiled. "You asked me if I wanted to be your friend, and I didn't feel so alone anymore."

Jill laughed, her eyes crinkling at the edges as she remembered how friendly she had been that day. It was unusual and she would have never done it for anyone else, but when she saw this girl sitting all alone, shaking violently with sobs escaping her lips, something came over her. She wished she was still that happy kid with no worries. Now, she was just angry.

"I like the sun because it reminds me of you. You're like this bright . . . light . . . um like sunshine. You're my sunshine, Jill. That's why I call you that. Sunshine, I mean. You're the best friend I could ever ask for," Beverly breathed, the smile never leaving her face just as Jill's grin fell.

Jill's heart pounded for two reasons. One, Beverly said she was her sun, and it made Jill want to scream at the top of her lungs with joy. And, two, Beverly had called Jill her best friend, and that made Jill want to crawl into a ball and cry. Was that all Bev thought of her? Just a friend?

She shouldn't have expected to be anything more to the redhead. After all, just because Beverly was okay with Jill kissing girls, didn't mean she liked her in the slightest. She should have known that. She shouldn't have gotten her hopes up, but as usual, she had and now it felt like the biggest mistake she had ever made. She assumed the ache was more intense than when she had tried to quit smoking a year ago. Beverly was her drug and Jill was constantly in withdrawal.

"You know—" Jill finally found her voice, but it was weaker, more fragile— "you're like my favorite person. Is that pathetic?"

Beverly tilted her head toward the girl, a small smile present on her face. "No," she uttered, her voice like honey. "It's not because . . . because you're my favorite person too. You know, in case you didn't realize."

"Oh, I realized," Jill chimed, wrapping the blanket around her head. "You're like a leech. Always following me around. God, so exhausting!" She rolled on her stomach and buried her head in the pillow to shield herself from the preteen girl beside her.

"Uh—huh sure, sunshine," Beverly scoffed and shoved Jill. Jill only laughed into the pillow. "Keep acting like you could live without me."

Jill rolled over to face Beverly, a smile playing on her lips. "Oh yeah?" Her hand peeked out from under the blanket and she jabbed Beverly's side with her finger. "Wanna' bet?"

The red-haired girl flopped on her back and faced the popcorn ceiling. "I know for a fact you'd miss me too much," she said, trying to fight the urge to smirk.

Jill stared at Beverly for a few seconds, daring to test the waters as she traced the slope of her nose with her eyes. She liked the way it curved in and the tiny freckles which dusted the bridge. That was the thing about having a crush on your best friend—it fucking sucked. One minute you're minding your own business then they have the nerve to look like that, and you just know you're fucked. At least that was what Jill Samson thought as she stared at Beverly Marsh. Because what else was she supposed to do? Deny the fact that she could live without her? That wouldn't be true. Call her co-dependent or whatever, but Jill Samson knew she could never live without the ginger.

Jill sighed and poked Beverly's cheek. "You know what?"

Beverly angled her head toward the girl. "What?"

"You're right."

"Duh." Beverly smirked. "I'm always right."

Jill only smiled in response. Her eyes wandered to Beverly's short orange hair. She was worried about Beverly. Beverly had always been one to not show how other people's opinions got to her, but sometimes, it broke through. She wished she could just get rid of Alvin Marsh and Greta Keene and lock them up somewhere so they could never hurt anyone ever again. She knew it made her sound stupid. After all, what could a thirteen-year-old stick possibly do?

"So . . . " the brunette cleared her throat. It felt awfully raspy. "Your hair? Do you like it?"

Beverly tangled her hands in her hair then nodded. "I could get used to it," she admitted. "But . . . it's not really about my hair. I just—He makes me so angry. I feel stupid and weak. And . . . I don't ever want to feel like that again. I want to be stronger than that. I want to be the one in control. But he's always there, reminding me that I'm shit." Her eyes were watering, the salty liquid slipping down her cheeks. "I just really fucking hate him, you know?" She squeezed her eyes shut, then opened them to look at Jill. "But I'm . . . Jill, I'm afraid of him."

Jill reached out to wipe the tears from Beverly's cheeks before they left a stain. "Want me to kill him?" she asked, her eyes trailing over the girl's face.

Beverly stifled a smile. "Wouldn't that be nice," she muttered, wiping her face as she turned to face the ceiling. "I feel like I'm going insane but nothing ever changes and I can't change it. I know that. I know he's always going to be there like a fucking . . . I don't even know. I just know I'll never be able to get rid of him." She covered her face with her hands and sobbed. "And that makes me so scared and just so angry. Sometimes I swear I could just—just . . . "

"Scream?" Jill offered. She knew the feeling well. Sometimes it was all she knew how to feel.

Beverly dropped her hands to her stomach, intertwining her fingers together as she turned her head to lock eyes with Jill. "Yeah," she admitted, searching the girl's face for an answer. What answer? Neither of them knew.

Jill squeezed Beverly's hands and offered her a smile as if to let her know she knew exactly how she felt.

In all the years Jill had known Beverly, the redhead had always been one to hold in her emotions. She cried with style like in one of those old-fashioned movies from the fifties and she always held her head high afterward. Jill never learned to cry silently, with pearl-shaped tears rolling down her cheeks as the radio droned on in the background. She wished she had; then she'd just wipe her tears and carry on with her day, except maybe her lips would look a little plumper and her eyes would appear more mysterious. But she never learned that. She became accustomed to loud, violent sobs that shook her whole body. Tears that drenched the rims of her shirts and made her eyes swell. She learned to adapt to the hiccups which followed and the ache left inside, a residue of her outburst of emotions. But Beverly had learned.

All of it made Jill think maybe she was the lucky one. Maybe letting it all out in screams was better than bottling it up, awaiting a release but never getting there. So Jill decided that she'd let Beverly in on a little secret of hers because maybe it would help. Maybe Jill's methods of catharsis would come in handy just this once. "Come on." Jill dropped the blanket and stood to her feet, holding out her hand for Beverly to take. "We're going to fix that."

"Jill, it's fine," Beverly protested, covering her eyes with her arm. "I'm fine."

"No, you're not." Jill pulled on Beverly's arm, ignoring her complaints. "You're one thread away from snapping and losing it."

"Jill—"

"Bev," Jill began, firmly, "do you trust me?"

Beverly peeked at her from under her arm. "Of course."

"Then let me help you," Jill urged, stretching out her hand.

Beverly glanced between Jill's hand to her face, expecting the girl to give up and flop back down on the bed, but she knew that would never happen. Jill was a stubborn pain in the ass, so it was either take her hand or sit there all night with Jill staring at her expectantly.

"Fine," Beverly groaned, grabbing Jill's hand.

Jill slipped on a pair of old shoes that Beverly had stuffed in her corner and gestured for Beverly to do the same. Beverly reluctantly followed the girl's lead and put on a pair of her shoes. When she glanced up, Jill was already at the window with one foot dangling from the edge.

Beverly pinched her brows together. "Where are we going?" she asked, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Shh." Jill placed her pointer finger in front of her lips and shot the girl a stern look before she hopped out the window and disappeared from sight.

Beverly pursed her lips. "Okay, crabby," she grumbled under her breath. She quietly followed after Jill, careful not to make too much noise in case her father awoke from his nap on the couch and caught them sneaking out.

When Beverly crawled out the window and quietly stepped down the fire escape, she caught sight of Jill who had come around the corner with their bikes. Beverly shot her a look, but Jill ignored it and handed her a bike.

"Uh, what's going on?" Beverly asked again.

Jill only waved her off, mounting her bike and taking off down the road before the ginger could get in another question. Beverly scrunched her nose, but didn't protest, instead, she followed Jill's lead and mounted the bike before she took off down the road after the brunette.

As they rode in the silence of the night, the dark shadows of the trees became a blur in their peripheral as they peddled closer to their destination. Beverly had no idea where they were going, but Jill seemed to know what was going on, so she didn't worry too much. Instead, she peddled faster but made sure to stay behind Jill so she wouldn't get off trail.

After a while, Beverly glanced at her surroundings, confusion striking her when she couldn't figure out where they were. She had never been to this part of Derry before and it appeared no one else had been there in years as well.

Jill picked up her pace when she recognized the view of her destination. She stretched out her foot, the asphalt road skimming the soles of her shoes as she skidded to a halt. Behind her, Beverly did the same, but a little more abruptly.

Jill glanced behind her with a smile, heaving slightly. "We're here!" she announced, demounting the bike and throwing it to the ground. She closed her eyes and breathed in the air. The smell of cherry blossoms and freshwater infiltrated her senses, and she smiled. Damn, she missed coming there.

Beverly dropped her bike, then let her eyes wander across the land. The grass seemed to stretch on forever, littered with plant life and trees taller than she had ever seen before. She could smell water coming from an unknown origin, and she wished to discover it. The air felt clearer there, more electric and less filled with dust particles like the rest of Derry. She wondered if she was dreaming or maybe she had been transported to a fantasy land. "What is this?" Beverly softly asked, too enthralled by it all to form more complete thoughts.

The brunette glanced over at Beverly and smiled. "It's where I go when I feel like I'm about to explode," she explained. "The land was owned by an old couple . . . lucky rich bastards . . . but they died a few years ago, and they had no children, so it was abandoned." She glanced around the area, and sighed. "My mom knew the owners, so when she could, they let her come here to take pictures. They said they liked the company. Sometimes she'd take me and we'd swim in the lake while the Ogdens made us cookies and lemonade. They were good people . . . really nice and welcoming. But after my mom left, I stopped coming here, so I forgot the way, but when I heard of the Ogdens' passings, I decided why not try and find it again. That was two years ago. I've been coming here ever since to . . . um . . . get away."

"What . . . what do you do?" Beverly inquired, her face solemn as she searched Jill for answers with her eyes.

Jill sent her a tight-lipped smile. "Follow me." She held out her hand, and Beverly took it.

The two of them walked into the forest, stepping over tree branches and stones until the trees ceased and a clearing with the beginning of a lake appeared in their sights. Jill let go of Beverly's hand and stepped forward into the grass. The water was nearly touching her shoes, but Jill didn't care, instead, she stared at her reflection in the lake and inhaled a heavy breath. "When I come here I . . . scream," she confessed, glancing at the reflection of Beverly in the water. "It lets me get it all out . . . I guess."

Beverly raised her brows. Why didn't Jill come to her when she felt like that? Did Jill expect her to scream as well? "Um, do you want me to scream?" she voiced her thoughts, stepping forward so she was brushing arms with the brunette.

Jill peeked a glance at the ginger, and nodded.

Beverly tilted her head, unamused. "Jill, this is ridiculous." She just wanted to go to sleep. She didn't need to scream or cry or whatever, she just needed sleep. So, she shook her head and turned on her heels.

Before Beverly could enter the masses of trees, Jill clenched her fists and screamed. "Fuck you!" She kept screaming, the vibrations ripping through her throat as she let herself be consumed by her emotions. The sound pierced the humid air, disrupting the serene wildlife lurking in the forest behind her. A murder of birds flew from the trees, screaming along with her as they took off into the night.

She didn't stop until she felt a hand grasp her forearm. "Jill, what the fuck?" Beverly whispered, her voice sharp. "People might hear you."

Jill shook her head and laughed. "Look around—" she stretched out her arms and gestured to the empty land— "there's no one around for miles."

Beverly dropped her grip on Jill's arm and stepped back. She turned her head to stare at her reflection in the water. That was when it all came rushing back. As if someone had opened the floodgates to her soul, she saw in images of all the shit she had dealt with her entire life—her mother dying, Greta, her fucking father. And that was when she finally let in consume her, but this time she decided to forget the bottle and let her chaos explode. "Fuck you!" she screamed into the darkness, her voice shaking through her body, sending shivers down her own spine.

When her scream fizzled out into a silent whisper, she stayed silent for a few seconds more to regain her breath. A smile found its way onto her face as she touched a hand to her chest. The weight was gone.

"Feel better?" Jill piped up from beside her, a smile of her own on her face.

Beverly nodded. "Yeah, actually."

The two of them stared into each other's eyes, blue consuming brown. Maybe their hearts were beating to the same rhythm, but neither of them knew, they only felt it. Jill finally returned the smile, a light blush creeping onto her cheeks. She flickered her eyes across the girl's face until she was sure she looked like a loser, then she turned her attention back to the moon. Beverly followed her lead as a comfortable silence consumed them.

"I wish we could stay out here for forever," Jill groaned with a sigh, tilting her head back and closing her eyes. She breathed in the hot summer air, the scent of lake water and cherry blossoms swirling around her.

"We could," Beverly suggested with a shrug.

"Good," Jill snorted, "because I wasn't fuckin' moving."

"Yeah, I could have told you that . . . " Beverly peeked at the girl out of the corner of her eye, "lazy ass."

Jill's mouth hung open and she laughed. "Fuck you!"

Beverly was laughing, too, now. "Fuck you!" she said in between snorts. She finally took a second to breathe in a sharp breath of warm air, letting the summer heat consume her lungs as she smiled. "I'm so glad we're friends."

Jill smiled, too. "Ditto." She thought even if they stayed out there all night watching the world spin around them, her eyes would only be for the redhead because Beverly was the moon and she shined brighter than any star in the universe.

a/n: i don't know what's come over me but writing for jill has come easily for me in the past week, so here's another rewritten chapter. this one might be one of my favorites even if it's a little cringe.

i feel like it the first version of this, jill & bev weren't really shown as best friends, but like in this rewrite, they truly are the softest besties.

also this is not edited so if you see mistakes, my bad.

anyway, thanks for reading!