epilogue
darling, dearest, dead

☼ ☽

The following week after the battle against Pennywise, Beverly Marsh discovered a box of letters addressed to her under Jillian Samson's bed.

Hey Killer Queen,

          It's me, Jill, your best friend. That was stupid. It's not like you're actually going to read this. I'm too much of a pussy to give you these, but even if I did I doubt you'd actually really read them. Whatever, the point is I'm a fucking idiot. Don't let it go to your head. I'm still right 99% of the time, but right now I look like if Bozo the Clown paraded downtown wearing a Dunce hat.

          Whatever. Anyways, I'm pissed which isn't a surprise but can you blame me? Today was the last day of school and that scares me. It scares me because this was our last year before high school and I've been reading some shit that you drift apart from your middle school friends once you enter the big HS. I'm scared of that happening to us. Because honestly, I can't live without you. You make me happier.

          Also, we ran into that new kid, Ben, and you said he was nice. I know I'm overreacting, but what if you like him? What if you like him more than me? What if you leave me for him? I'm scared you'll realize how annoying and shitty I am just like Greta said, and then you'll leave. Everyone always leaves. I wouldn't be surprised if you did, too.

          But whatever. I just hope this summer is the best summer yet. I can't wait to bike ride to the Quarry and go to the movie theater to make fun of all those stupid horror movies. Like, yeah, right? They call that horror. Okay, then I guess I'm Jesus Christ.

          I hope we can spend many more summers together. That would be nice.

Catch you never,
Bozo the Clown

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B. Marsh,

          Today you asked me why I have a vendetta against Bill. Well, Bev, it's because I hate his fucking guts. Yep, I hate his no good, nosey ass and wish he would go missing! Okay, that was a lie. I don't want him to go missing. I don't want anyone to go missing. But I want him to fuck off and stop trying to be our friend. Scratch that. I want him to stop trying to be YOUR friend because let's be honest, he likes you. And I get it. Trust me, I do, but you're my best friend. You are all I've got and he's wedging himself in between us and it's not fair. God, it just makes me want to scream.

          Whatever, on to the point. I messed up bad, Bev, and I don't know how to stop it. Every time Bill comes around and woos you with another one of his stupid smiles, I want to scream at him, kick him in the balls, and run away. Dramatic, I know, but he just makes me so angry and I don't even know why. Well, that's not true. I know why I want to smash an ice cream cone in his face. It's you. I mean it's not you, you. It's about you. It has to do with you, but you're not the problem . . . I am.

          I think I'm in love with you and it's driving me insane. I like the way my name sounds coming from your lips. And the way you look at me when I say something stupid. And when you smile, I swear my heart explodes and I don't know how to stop it and I don't want to. But I've got to be even stupider to think I'd even stand a chance against Bill. You look at him like you want to kiss him and you look at me like I'm just Jill, your friend. And it makes me so mad. But mostly I'm mad at myself for letting it bother me so much. But I can't help but wonder what he has that I don't.

          Sure, there's nothing particularly wrong with Bill. He's got that stupid boyish charm all the girls gawk at when watching those dumbass movies with Ralph Macchio. And his stuttering could be considered endearing if you're into that, but it's not like he's a Greek god or anything. And if it came down to him and Jason Vorhees, he would definitely piss his pants and run all the way home. Is that what you like? Should I start screaming every time a jump scare happens in a horror movie? Will you look at me the same way you look at him then?

          Truth is, I don't think it matters if I'm a pussy when it comes to horror movies or not (Because I'm not!). I don't even think it matters that you two have history or whatever. It's the fact that I'm a girl. And who am I kidding? You liking me, a girl, would only be possible in a world where pigs fly.

P. S. I'm sorry for being so closed off. It just really hurts seeing you with him. It feels like my heart is being ripped out of my chest and Bill is single-handedly stomping it into the ground. I just want to be with you so bad. I want to hold your hand. I want to watch boring movies until I fall asleep with you next to me. I want to kiss you. I want to be your girlfriend. I want to be yours and only yours forever and ever until I die. BUT even then, I want to be with you. We can be like legendary lovers, but only if you want to, you know? If you don't, I'll gladly be your friend forever, but you have to promise there will be less of stupid Bill Stenchbrough.

See you tomorrow,
your friend, J. Samson

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Hey Peaches,

          You're asleep next to me right now and I think this is the closest to Heaven I'll ever get. I know we've had sleepovers before, but I don't know, this time feels different. Maybe it's because you cut your hair and for some reason, you're even more beautiful. I mean, you're always beautiful, but this is different, you seem happier. It's like cutting off your hair gave you this freedom you've never had before and, well, it looks good on you.

          You were pretty upset about it, though. Which I don't get because you're literally the prettiest girl ever. But yeah, you were sad. So I took you to my spot. The spot where I used to go with my mom, and I think you liked it. I don't blame you either. I know I always feel better when I go there to scream or cry or just to swim. It's like therapy without actually having to see a shrink (had to do that once, and it was awful). Anyways, I hope we can go there more.

          I think this classifies as one of the best days ever, but I just know tomorrow is going to suck. You already know why. We have to go to the Quarry to meet Bill Stenchbrough. God, gag me with a spoon. I hope I black it all out so I don't have to remember any of it. At least you'll be there with me. That's always a plus.

          Anyways, I really shouldn't be writing right now. Especially since you could wake up any minute and see me looking like an idiot while writing about how absolutely breathtaking you are. But I couldn't help myself, you just look so peaceful that I had to write about it in case I ever forgot this moment.

P.S. Did you know you snore when you sleep? It's adorable.

P.P.S. I think I'm even more in love with you than I was yesterday.

See you in the morning,
your Sunshine

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Bev,

          I think this has been the worst day of my life. First, I almost kissed you. Yeah, I almost fucking kissed you, and guess what? Bill Stenchbrough just had to ruin it. Not to mention, all the guys were staring at you like they were dogs and you were some slab of meat. I get it. You're beautiful, but they were all over you. They don't respect you and it makes me want to kick them all where the sun don't shine. Why can't you see they're no good for you? They don't deserve you, Bev. Hell, I don't even deserve you, but neither do they.

          And on top of it all, I think I'm going insane. I don't know what the fuck is going on but after we left Ben's, something weird happened. It was like that dream I had of someone (you, but I will NEVER let you know it was you) dying, but it was different. It felt real.

          Something choked me. Something came out of my drain and choked me. I think it wanted me dead. I don't know. Maybe I'm going insane. Hopefully, this doesn't make you think I'm a psychopath.

P.S. You looked pretty today.

P.P.S. I can't wait to see you tomorrow.

P.P.P.S. I really fucking love you.

Goodnight,
Jill

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Hey,

          I think I'm losing you and it's the worst feeling in the world. I know I can be a bit of an asshole and a jealous bitch, but I don't mean to be. Honest, I want to be good. I don't want it to bother me when Bill brushes your hair out of your eyes but watching him do that just lights me on fire. I feel like I'm burning. Or fading away. Like I'm fading away from you and I'm trying to hold on, but I can never reach you and I just fall into this dark cave. And I'm alone. Alone without you. Alone with my thoughts of you. And I feel sad. Broken, even . . . like a piece of me is missing and I can't find it no matter how hard I look. And I know I shouldn't say this because it makes me sound like a co-dependant idiot, but you complete me, Bev. You are the part of me that I actually like. You're the only part of me that I like, actually.

          But I know we're growing up. We're going into High School for christ's sake and that's scary enough on its own, but why can't we pretend we're still those girls on the fire escape? Why can't we be best friends like we were a couple days ago? Why can't you look at me like how you look at Bill? Why can't you love me? Why? Why? Why? I just want to know and maybe then I can accept the fact that we can never be together.

Bye.

────────────

Beverly,

          I feel like I'm slowly setting the world on fire.

          We were talking about what we saw and all the other guys seem like they have been seeing this thing too. I mean cleaning the blood in your bathroom was creepy too, but now I think we know for sure that this thing exists. I don't know though. I don't want to believe it. It just seems so stupid, you know? I hate that this scares me. Why can't it just be like watching a horror movie? Why can't I be brave?

         But that's not even the worst part.

          It's the anniversary of the day my mom left. And I'm so fucking angry. I just want to fucking scream. This sucks so much. And to top it all off, my dad wanted to CELEBRATE like what the fuck? But I guess I was wrong for yelling at him. He says he feels like I always chose her, and that sucks, but he's right. I just miss my mom. I miss you, too.

          I wish I could go to your house and hug you until the sun rises, but I don't want to put you through all my bullshit. Because I am bullshit. I'm annoying and stupid. No wonder you chose Bill. I don't even blame you for choosing him, but it still fucking hurts.

P.S. Am I too old to be screaming into my pillow over you and a stupid boy? Because I think my throat is bleeding from all the screaming.

Bye,
Jillian

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Peaches,

          I can't sleep. I kissed you. I'm so fucking stupid and I kissed you. And you pulled away. You hate me. I know you do. This sucks. This sucks so much. I hope you believed me when I said it didn't mean anything, otherwise, I might die.

          I'm sorry.

P.S. I wish you knew how much you mean to me.

P.P.S. I still like falling asleep next to you.

P.P.P.S. You still snore. It's cute.

P.P.P.P.S. I still love you.

Sunshine

────────────

Hey,

          I told you I loved you. And I do. I love you so much it hurts.

          I know you only kissed me to make me feel better. I know you feel sorry for me. I'm sorry that I love you. I didn't mean for it to happen. I'm so sorry. I feel so fucking awful about it. I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry.

          God, I want to get rid of these feelings, but I can't. It's like they're a part of me and I can't get rid of them no matter how hard I try. Why does it have to be this way? Why am I like this? Why can't you be with me? Why can't I turn back time? It's not fair. It's not fucking fair. Why can't you love me? Why ca

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To my moon,

          I think this is my last letter to you. Actually, I think this is the last thing I'll ever say to you, because I don't know if we can get past this. It's been a few days since I told you I loved you. I found some shit out about my mom and everything sort of makes sense, but I still feel like shit. I just want to be happy. But whatever, my point is, I'm sorry. I think you hate me. I think you're disgusted by me and I get it I guess. I haven't seen you in a few days and I think it's either because you're avoiding me or your dad is keeping you from me or both. So yeah I think I've lost you for good, but I can still make it right. Maybe then you won't hate me.

          Jesus. Okay, before I start, I'm so fucking sorry for being an asshole. I'm sorry for every shitty thing I have ever done to you. And next, well, I just want to tell you that I never meant to fall in love with you. Honestly, I don't even remember falling in love with you, I just remember not being able to breathe when you walked into a room. I remember memorizing your laugh and the way you smile with your eyes. I remember the tears we have shed together and the promises we made. I remember when your mom died and how you stayed with me for a week before going back to your dickweed of a father. I remember when my mom left and how you were always there for me when I needed to cry about it. I remember the good times and the bad times, but most of all, I remember you and I don't think I'll ever be able to forget you. You, Beverly Marsh, are an unforgettable universe wrapped in one hell of a girl.

          As we grew, my love for you did, too. But my love wasn't all that grew, so did my jealousy. I let stupid things boys would say to you get in the way of what we could have had with each other. I let Bill Denbrough (who is just as in love with you as I am) get under my skin when he hadn't done anything wrong.

          I remember the first time you and Bill kissed during that stupid play. I remember how fucking heartbroken I was that I wasn't the one you kissed. But that's where I went wrong. I made it seem like you belonged to me when you didn't. You don't belong to anyone except yourself and I'm sorry I let my jealousy and my rage cloud my mind into thinking you did.

          It was my jealousy that tore us apart and it was my jealousy that made you lose your trust in me. I was supposed to be the one that you depended on the most. I was supposed to protect you when really I should have known you could protect yourself. The truth is, you, Beverly Marsh, are your own damn hero and you don't need me or anyone else to save you. I wanted to be your knight in shining armor, but you're no damsel in distress. Instead, I'm just the fool who had to come and tear away your happiness by ruining the friendship we had. It wasn't my intention. Honestly, I only wanted to make you happy but instead, I ruined you.

          I don't know if you'll forgive me or if I'll even give you these letters, but I need you to know how I feel. If you haven't already figured it out, I, Jillian Margaret Samson, am completely, utterly, and desperately in love with you Beverly Elfrida Marsh. And by knowing you, I've come to know home isn't a place, it's a feeling and I feel at home with you.

P.S. You were the best of me, I'm sorry I made the worst of you.

P.P.S. I will love you forever, peaches.

See you soon,
your sun

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A few weeks after Beverly Marsh found the letters,
she settled into her room in Portland and wrote
one final letter back to the dead girl.

To my sun,

          I don't know how to start this, other than by saying I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything. The truth is, my heart will always belong to yours even long after yours has stopped beating. I only wish I had realized sooner how much you meant to me. Who knows? Perhaps I had an inkling but as this cruel summer has proven, fear got in the way. And as fate would have it, I'm still terrified. Not of loving you. Loving you has proven to be the easiest and yet the hardest thing I've ever experienced, but what I'm truly afraid of is loving you when you're no longer around. Can you blame me? How can I continue living when you are walking amongst the dead?

          All I have of you now are memories, but I don't know if that will be enough especially when you a̶r̶e̶ were the only reason my days seemed to brighten.

          I keep thinking back to the day we first met as if that will somehow send me back in time and you'll be in my arms again. I remember that day almost as if it were yesterday. Do you? It was around the same time my mother fell ill and my dad had become more of a monster than a man. Those days I felt like I was slowly falling down a never-ending tunnel with no light at the end of the tunnel, just dark, gloomy gray all around me. My life had turned gray back then and I didn't even realize it until I met you.

          I remember the sun had barely peeked out from behind the clouds that day and I was sitting under the gray skies. I was crying so hard that I couldn't breathe. I thought the fresh air would help me feel at least a little less numb, but it only made me feel worse—almost like everything bad that ever happened to me came rushing at me. And I remember sitting there thinking when the world was finally going to give me a break. Now thinking back on it, I must have been one hell of a dramatic six-year-old. But that didn't matter, because, almost as if it were fate, you came running out of your apartment with your hair in pigtails and a smile on your face. Don't get me wrong, you and I both know I hate the lovey-dovey bullshit, but when I saw your face, it was like the sun had finally come out of hiding and was shining down on you.

          I remember thinking how nice it must have been to be you. You had just moved in with your dad and mom. Not to mention, you seemed happy yourself. I was jealous—well—as jealous as a six-year-old could be. But you weren't like every other kid in Derry. You had a heart too big for your body and before I knew it you were sitting down right next to me on the fire escape steps. I remember you giving me this look as if you were trying to understand why I was crying, but then you said I looked like I needed a friend and asked if I wanted to be yours. You can imagine my shock, but nevertheless, I agreed and it was like I was finally seeing the world in color once again.

          As the years went by and our friendship grew, it brought glorious technicolor to my life. Your friendship has been there even in the darkest of times and I am the luckiest person alive to have experienced it. I know I took it for granted. I think I always took you for granted. Maybe along the way, I assumed you would always be there and now that you're not, I regret everything. Because sometimes you don't see that the best thing that has ever happened to you is sitting there, right beside you. And you, my knight in not-so-shining armor, were the best thing to ever happen to me. You were the only person to love all of me. From the good, the bad, the broken, all of it, you loved all of it and I was too blind to see it. Instead, I turned to stupid boys and listened to my father. I let your love go on silently because I felt I didn't deserve it. But I see it now. Now I realize you are the reason I can finally breathe again. You are the only color in my morally gray world. And I'm sorry I never made you feel like you came first. Because you do. Every time, time after time, again and again, I choose you.

          So there you have it, you were, in fact, not the worst part of me, but the best. You were the part of me that fought through the hard times. You gave me strength. You taught me how to love. You made me realize what real love is. And it isn't selfish or cruel. It isn't hitting your daughter then kissing her on the cheek as if nothing had happened. It isn't hating yourself for having feelings for your best friend or for being too vulnerable. Love is kind. It is gentle and strong all at once. It is being selfish for selfless reasons. It is sacrificing your feelings and maybe even a little part of yourself for the sake of that one person's happiness. It's all you've done for me.

          You really saved me, you know? Literally and Metaphorically, you saved my life. Without you I don't know where I'd be and I'm glad I got the chance to know you, to love you, to be loved by you. But I wish you would have done a little more for yourself and less for me. I think, in a way, you liked being the hero in your own story, even if you took the hard way of getting there. But I wish you realized, you didn't need to sacrifice yourself to be the hero, you were already mine from the first day we met.

          My final words to you are inspired by our friend Ben. I found out a while ago that he was the one who wrote the poem and ever since he's been teaching me about poetry and all that shit. You know, William Shakespeare and all? Anyways, I think it's pretty rad but I'm quite shit at it if I'm honest, but I figured you'd like it since you always did appreciate the intricate things in life. I really hope wherever you are, this message gets to you, sunshine.

           I love you, Jill. I love you with all of my obnoxious, selfish, jealous heart. And maybe, in another universe, high in the sky, billions and billions of light-years away, my atoms were carved just for yours and we ended up together. But for now, I forgive you. I love you. I'll always love you. I'm sorry I let you slip through my fingers before I got to show you just how much my atoms loved yours in this universe.

In another life,
your moon

a/n: remember when i said you'd see what jill wrote in her letters? yeah,,,, don't hate me too much!!

i spent so much time trying to find the right words for them to write to each other, but then i realized that when you write letters, you always forget something. anyways, i figured it'd be best to leave it like that to show their emotions in the moment. i wanted to make jill's more heartfelt, but at the time, she didn't realize that would be her last letter, whereas, for beverly, she knows, so hers is more final. anyways, next chapter is an alternate universe and then that's all!

again, thank you for reading! it means a lot to me.