"Merry fucking Christmas, mistlehoe," Arti squealed, smacking me awake with the sleeve of her fuzzy footie pajamas.

She got some footie pajamas so we could match, like true besties or some shit.

"Good morning," I muttered as I wiped the sleep from my eye.

"You snored all last night. It was super fucking annoying, I got no sleep, and now I'm hyperactive."

"Just leave me alone. I'm not in the mood for this shit."

"Can't you feel the Christmas magic in the air?" Arti asked.

"Aren't you an atheist?"

"Well, yeah, but that doesn't matter." She pushed open the curtain to the window. "Look, it's a white Christmas."

"I don't think we've ever had a nonwhite Christmas. This is Minnesota."

"I know it's not the most diverse place on the planet, but you and Blaine are okay for white people," Arti said.

"That's not what I meant, number one, and number two, that's not what you meant either."

"I told you I haven't gotten any sleep. Lay off the Haterade, Amanda."

I smiled into the pillow. "Hydration is important."

She laughed. "So what'd you get me?"

"Nothing, because I'm poor and I hate you."

"Ha, good. I didn't get you anything either."

I lifted my head up. "Seriously?"

"Seriously."

I frowned, then laid my head back down. "Well, now there's no point in getting up this morning."

"Amanda, I'm lying. Of course, I got you something."

"Really?"

"Nope, that was actually a lie. Sorry," Arti said.

At least everything was back to normal.

Except for Viktor.

And Mom.

And Tara the goddamn tarantula, who still sat in her tank on my desk.

But other than those extremely minor differences, it was exactly the same as it used to be.

I pulled the blankets up, then the bedroom door swung open.

Natalie stood there with her arms crossed. "Are you just going to sit there all day? Let's go. We have presents that need opened, and Matt said that we can't open them until you get your ass down there."

"You can't say ass, Nat. You're ten," I said.

"Those were his words, not mine. I'm just the messenger," she said.

"What time is it anyway?" Arti asked.

"7:30," Natalie said, then clarified further, "in the morning. You two are so lazy."

"Keep up the sass and I'll throw Tara right out the window. I have no soul, so it won't even bother me," I said.

Natalie smiled. "Then why haven't you done it yet?"

I took a deep breath. "Just start opening the presents without me. I have something I want to handle before."

"What is it?"

"Just have to give somebody their present. I'll be right back," I said.

"Okay, I guess. Is it Blaine?"

I shook my head. "Nope."

"Then who is it?"

I wasn't stupid enough to think that Natalie wouldn't make fun of me for my sudden bout of sensitivity, so I didn't respond.

Amanda Jayne was coldhearted, yes, but she did indeed have a heart. But as many times as she had been described as reptilian, it was a reputation she couldn't afford to lose.

I wanted to give Mom the stupid letter I had written her, half assuring her that everything was fine with us, and half apologizing for not allowing her ship to sail.

The cemetery was across the street from the church, and I wanted to get there before any of the services began. It would give me a moment alone before all the annual believers showed up for church.

I pulled on a few layers of clothing (even when acting emotionally, I prided myself on being practical) before heading out. I hadn't been to the cemetery since the day we buried her, simply because I had been away, and I wanted to keep those memories as far from my mind as possible.

But I couldn't just leave her out of Christmas. She was the most extra human being in the world when it came to decorations and cookies, and everything just felt different without her excessive mistletoes and gingerbread.

She hung mistletoe one year, and of course, that was the Christmas with Viktor. I hadn't even made a connection between the two events, and I was certainly not happy with him at the time, since he was trying to convince me not to do my crazy plan to eliminate Lukas.

Good times.

Grand old fucking times.

I pulled into the relatively empty church parking lot, then scrambled across the street, the letter pressed against my chest underneath my coat.

The bitter wind stung my eyes, nose, and ears, and I wiped away a tear. I blamed it on the weather.

I hadn't been there for a while, but I knew exactly where she was. I had the picture memorized.

In our psychology class our junior year, Blaine and I learned about flashbulb memories as he attempted to put a disorder on my personality. There were three days that week that had a photograph in my scrapbook of memories: when Arti and Matt told me Mom died, Viktor holding my hand during her burial, and sitting in the freezing bathtub with Blaine.

I wasn't sure why I wanted to push more sadness on myself. My heart still mourned the loss of Viktor's season. Misery loved company, but I was still all alone. The next best thing was to find more reasons to make myself miserable.

I knelt beside her grave and brushed the snow away from the headstone.

Mary E. Jayne. Loving wife, mother, and caretaker of all.

That she was.

I unzipped my coat for just a moment to get the piece of paper, then placed the letter right beside the headstone.

It took on a life of its own, then before I could stop it, it fluttered away in the wind.

I put my head down. "Shit."

"Well, we'll just pretend this is Harry Potter, and it's going to find her right now," Candy Cane said.

I smiled. Candy Cane, Viktor's project, the eternal optimist.

As much as I loved Amanda, sometimes, Candy Cane was refreshing.

I brushed the snow off my knees, then walked back to my car, a smile on my face as the church bells rang.

Somehow, that made me feel just a little bit better about life, and I willingly let it, even if it would just be for a moment.

***

"This is complete bullshit," Natalie wailed as I walked back into the house.

"Look, Santa means business this year," Matt said.

Viktor, with his injury, couldn't go back to Sweden for Christmas, so unfortunately for him, he was still stuck with us. He let out a breath, then noticed me. I smiled at him.

"Santa's not even real, and trust me, this wouldn't be his work. This is the idea of Satan," Natalie said.

Arti laughed. "Tell him, kiddo."

A very Jayne Christmas.

"It's not that bad. We already pretty much share everything, so this isn't any different," Leah said.

I rose an eyebrow.

"Santa's disappointed in their lack of kindness to each other, so they have to share every present this year." Matt smirked. "Santa's one creative dude."

Natalie crossed her arms. "It's ridiculous. This is the one time when something is for me and me only. Everything else is about the triplets. I love my sisters, but I'm an individual, and so are they."

"There's nothing wrong with being associated with them," I said. "I mean, sometimes I want to murder Matt, but he's still one of my best friends."

"I feel like that's what she's trying to say. All their lives, they have been 'the triplets,' instead of Natalie, Melissa, and Leah. I can see why you're frustrated, Natalie," Viktor said.

Natalie's face lit up. "You do?"

"Amanda doesn't get it. She hasn't been tied to Matt her entire life—" Viktor continued, but I interrupted him.

"Oh, right, because you completely understand. You're the ultimate individual. You're not tied to anyone here in America. You've got an entire life back in Sweden that no one knows anything about—"

"Is that how you feel?"

"That's what I think, if that's what you're asking," I said.

Viktor thought for a moment. "What do you want to know?"

It had always been odd that he had my entire childhood at his fingertips from photos and stories from Matt, but I knew next to nothing about his past.

"How many girlfriends did you have back in Sweden?" Natalie asked.

He shook his head and smiled. "None. There was one girl I thought was really pretty, but she didn't like me."

His life was just a series of unfortunate events. How tragic.

"She's stupid," Natalie said. "And so is Amanda."

I bit my cheek. "See? This is why Santa's making you share your presents. I don't really need or want your opinion on how I live, and you need to learn to play nice."

"So do you," she said.

"Okay, that's enough. Go to your room," Matt said.

I smiled and stuck my tongue out at Natalie.

"You too, sassy pants," Matt said.

"You're definitely not in charge of me, so I don't know who you think you're talking to," I said.

"I'm going to count to three, Amanda."

I went to my room.

***

A few hours later, Blaine came over with presents for everyone.

I was still in Matt's bullshit timeout. Of course, it was mostly by choice at that point, since I had important things to do, like taking a nap, and Matt certainly had no authority over me. I was a free-thinking motherfucker who didn't take shit from anybody.

Except for pretty much everyone.

Matt poked his head into my room. "You can come out now."

I glared at him.

He laughed. "I still can't believe that even worked. I didn't expect you to listen to me."

"I just got people-tired. Nat's been pressing every single button I have for a while now. I needed a break for my own sanity."

"You've got a limited supply of that, huh?"

I gave him a small smile. "Can you blame me?"

"Not really. But you might want to come downstairs. Dad's having a chat with Blaine again," Matt said.

"About what?"

"You know, the usual stuff, 'break my daughter, and I'll break you.'"

I stood up and walked out of my room. "That's cute. I can't be broken."

Matt smiled. "You might not want to say that. Life's gonna take that as a challenge."

We went downstairs, and Blaine had a million bags in his hands. I wasn't sure how he managed to carry them all.

He smiled when he saw me. "Merry Christmas."

"And to you, too." I smiled, then wrapped my arms around him from behind.

"I meant all of it," Dad said, picking up from wherever they left off in their chat.

"Don't worry. Like any normal person, I'm a little afraid of getting shot," Blaine replied.

Dad smiled. "Good."

"If you could stop threatening Blaine, that'd be great. He doesn't need it," I said with a slight chuckle.

Blaine shrugged. "Eh, it's whatever. I'm used to it by now. And anyway, I already had the shit scared out of me today, so—"

"What scared you?"

"There was this spider in the shower, and when I tried to drown it, it just disappeared. So I went to church, and now I'm here. I'm just trying to give us both a chance to calm down and we'll talk about what happened later, so it doesn't come after me in my sleep."

I laughed. "You just experience life more intensely than anyone else I know."

"Yeah, kinda. You gotta make your own entertainment when you're by yourself most of the time." He laughed.

"Well, now you won't leave me alone, so that's not a problem for you anymore."

"Fair enough. Although, you initiated whatever this is." He gestured at me, still hugging him from behind.

"Yep."

"Okay, you have to let go. I have things I need to do," he said.

"Or I could not do that."

"You don't have an option. I don't even know why you're so clingy all of a sudden."

I let go. "I'm not clingy."

He searched through the gift bags, then held one out to me. "Merry Christmas."

I smiled, then read the tag on it.

To Amanda. Not one second passes that I don't think about the food you make. Love, Blaine.

Ten points for honesty.

"Cute, Blaine. Real cute," I said.

He smiled.

I leafed through the tissue paper, then pulled out a Winterview University hoodie. I had one, of course, but something told me this one was different.

"I slept in it for, like, a week straight, and it was hot as fuck, so hopefully—"

I wrapped my arms around him. "That's kinda really gross, but I'm used to your germs at this point."

"I don't have germs."

"Yes, you do. I don't mind my germs, and I guess yours are okay now."

He laughed. "I'm gonna go give these to your sisters, Art, Matt, and Viktor, but then you can have my undivided attention, okay?"

I nodded. "You got something for Viktor?"

"Yeah. I mean, sure, we're having a minor disagreement, but I certainly don't hate the guy. He's just different than me and you."

"You're a much better person than me."

My phone buzzed in my back pocket, but I ignored it. It was probably an obligatory "Merry Christmas" text from someone I hadn't talked to in a year.

"I'm not gonna deny that, but you're better than you give yourself credit for. I mean, you haven't actually murdered someone, surprisingly," Blaine said with a laugh.

"Surprisingly, indeed," I said, and I followed him as he walked into the living room.

He probably didn't even want me there, but he couldn't stop me, and I just couldn't get enough of him.

Blaine accused me of being clingy, and boy, was he right. The thought that I'd have to go back to Winterview without him or Viktor's hockey was enough to force me into an emotional state I never thought I'd reach: neediness. But that hoodie fixed a lot more than he would ever know.

My phone vibrated again, but I let it go. I wanted to know what Blaine had gotten for everyone.

"Hey, I got you guys some—was that your phone again?" Blaine said.

"Yeah, but it's nothing," I said.

"When did you get popular?" He laughed, then turned back to the room. "Anyway, I got you guys some presents. They suck, though, 'cause I'm poor, but it's the thought that counts, right?"

He handed out the gift bags, and eventually got to Viktor, who was still relatively immobile.

Viktor looked up at him with wide eyes, then smiled. "You didn't have to."

Blaine shrugged. "Yeah, I did. You kept Amanda at least twelve percent sane."

Viktor laughed. "I don't even think it's that high. She's probably four percent sane."

"Ha, ha. Aren't you two just freaking adorable?" I muttered.

My phone vibrated again, and with that, my sanity level dropped to about three percent.

I took it out of my pocket, then looked at the screen.

It wasn't a "Merry Christmas" text from anyone.

I had fifty-seven Twitter notifications and ten emails on my school account.

And unless people just miraculously decided that they liked me, something wasn't right. Because that was exactly what I needed. Merry Christmas, me.

---------------------------------------------------------------

I'm not much of a cliffhanger type of writer, but I kinda hit you with one there. I apologize.

So I think I have my mind made up which way Amanda's going to go, Blaine or Viktor, but I want to open this up for discussion one more time. Speak now or forever hold your peace. Who is Amanda's better match?