tigerjourney77-The Blood Flame Version 2.0

Title - 5/5

It's very interesting and it practically screams vampire. It seems a little cliche for me, like the MC's going to be the early-2000s misunderstood vampire, but that's just my opinion, so I'm not taking off for that.

Side note: I'm a little confused as to why you still have the original published when this is the one you want people to read, but that's up to you.

Description/Blurb - 7.5/10

The description is okay, but it can definitely be better. You're introducing your readers to a new world with a Coven War (which needs to be capitalized in the description), a world they know nothing about. Describe the background a bit more. Why is this war happening? What else is different about her world? Your description draws readers into the story, but it leaves them confused because they know nothing of this world. Try adding one or two more paragraphs to describe this world and her situation.

There were one or two minor errors, like using the wrong new and not capitalizing the name of the war, but that's it.

Cover - 4/5

I'm not really a fan of manip covers, but that's just my opinion. I never know what to focus on. That being said, I don't really mind your cover. My eyes are immediately drawn to the woman's blonde hair because it pops out.

The only real problem I have is the "by authors" part. Any byline on a cover with an actual "by" is considered a bit unprofessional. It'd be better if it were just the two names.

Small tip: I didn't take off for this since it's okay to have a sticker on the cover because that's what it's for, but it generally clashes and is an eye-sore. It'd be better if you made a chapter at the beginning of the book with all of your stickers.

Plot - 13.5/20

Before I say anything, you should know that I don't read vampire/werewolf stories often. This is from the perspective of an outsider to the genre.

While your plot is somewhat simple to follow, it was confusing at times because of the minor plot holes. Edmund woke up in the first chapter, was asleep again in the second chapter, woke up again in the second or third chapter, and then woke up again in the fourth chapter even though he was already awake. You need to see what you've already written before you start writing another chapter. I typically reread my previous chapter before writing a new one to make sure all of my details are correct.

For short chapters, a lot happened in this story, which is a bit surprising because there were only one or two scenes in each chapter. I got lost a lot. You didn't really describe anyone's personalities, which will be mentioned a lot more under characterization, so I didn't always know who was talking because dialogue tags weren't used very often. Consider adding more dialogue tags.

A lot of vampire lore exists, and it's up to the writer (writers in this case) to decide what to use. However, I'm not well-versed in said lore, so I've never heard of thralls before. I began to understand them more as I read the first five chapters, but I wish you had made it a bit more clear. Readers need to know what you plan on using, which you can describe through thoughts and actions. You never really described thralls, so I didn't know what they were. In the future, consider explaining your story more for those who don't know as much about vampires. You can't expect your readers to know everything, and I was very confused.

Another thing, it would've been nice to have a background story. You might describe her background later, but there should've been a prologue describing how Knotrium turned against everyone. It would help readers understand the plot and her character a bit more.

Characterization - 4/20

This is easily your biggest issue. Casts are supposed to help readers imagine characters, not take the place of descriptions. You still need to describe their physical appearances, and you never did. I refused to look at the pictures because pictures are like cheating the system, so I have no idea what everyone looks like. Add descriptions!

Also, I know nothing about their personalities. When you have the ability to add personality traits, please do so. The issue with your short chapters is that readers have no time to be able to connect to your characters. I wasn't connected to any of them. You could've completely switched characters and I wouldn't have noticed. That's a big issue! You really need to focus on characterization.

I would've liked some direct thoughts from Knotrium. All we got was "she felt" and blah blah blah. I would've liked to have seen her thoughts directly, like "I felt..." Since this is in third person, any direct thoughts should be in italics.

Creativity/Originality - 10/10

I don't read vampire stories, so I don't really have anything to compare this to. It was really original in my book.

Spelling & Grammar - 11/15

You have a lot of minor errors. There was incorrect punctuation in quotes and misspelled words used quite often. I also noticed several sentences missing commas or commas where semicolons should've been. Using a program like Grammarly.com can fix these small errors for you.

Enjoyability - 3/5

I wanted to enjoy myself, but I was way too confused. I had no idea what was happening, and you really need to clarify things.

Literary Devices - 1/5

I'm trying to remember, but I don't think there were any literary devices used at all. When describing people, which I hope you do in the future, metaphors and similes will help convey your tone. They also help when you're trying to describe a feeling, so I think you should use them more often.

Descriptions - 1/5

The characters weren't described, the house wasn't described, the plane wasn't described, and the pharmacy wasn't described. What was described? I'm sorry but this definitely wasn't your strong suit.

Total - 60/100

I'm really sorry for the low scores. You'd really benefit from getting an in-depth review, much more in-depth than one you'd get from a judge. The reviewer you want depends on what you're looking for, but I noticed you ask for feedback a lot, and you'd get a lot of feedback from a review. There are several people who have review books dedicated to improving stories like yours.