Guests Christian Bale as Daddy Kay

               Fiona Kay as Fee Fee 

               Judi Dench as Granny

               Chloe Grace Moritz as the first Mrs Kay

               Drake as the New Mr Chloe

The phone is blowing up in the household while the Sangster Kays are sprawled out in the messy living room watching TV.

"Gilmore?" Robbie asked.  "Gilmore? Gil--Goddammit, quit acting like you don't hear me!"

Gilmore was the closest to the TV.  "What? I can't hear you."

"Go answer the phone, will you?"

"You answer the phone." Gilmore scoffed without moving an inch from his TV spot. " I'm watching Game of Thrones and I'm not about to miss it."

Thomas picked up a pillow and threw it at him.  "Go get the phone before I go Game of Thrones on your ass, you disrespectful little punk."

Gilmore rolled his eyes.  He got up and stomped down the hall to the landline phone his dads insist on using.  "What?" he said as he picked up.

"What? What?" said the voice on the other end.  "That's how you answer a damn phone? What? What the hell's wrong with you, were you raised by wolves or what?"

Gilmore put the phone down and went to his daddies.  "It's for you," he said to Robbie.  "It's Grampa Kay."

Robbie began beating the sofa.  "Dammit, dammit, dammit!"  He then got up and picked up the phone.  "Hi, Dad, how's it going?"

"How's it going?" Daddy Kay yelled.  "I don't hear from my only son in months and that's what you say? 'How's it going?' What the fuck, Rob, what the fuck?"

"I'm guessing things are great," Robbie said.  "I'm good too, thanks for asking."

"I heard you had a baby." Daddy Kay said.

Robbie's heart froze.  "Uhh, who told you?"

"I had to hear about it from some idiot on Facebook.  How is Chloe doing?"

"Chloe?"

"Your wife."  Daddy Kay said.  "She must be exhausted taking care of all of you."

Robbie had forgotten that Chloe was still his beard.  "Chloe is doing great, Dad.  She's an excellent mother."

"I plan on coming into town, Rob."  Daddy Kay said.  "I want to meet my newest grandbaby.  It's about time you had a girl.  I was beginning to wonder if you were normal."

Robbie rolled his eyes.  "Very funny, Dad.  When are you coming?"

"I'll be there day after tomorrow.  I'm also bringing your sister and your granny.  Lord knows poor Granny only has a few good years left on this planet.  It would be a damn shame if she left it without seeing her one and only great granddaughter." 

"Yes, Daddy, it would be a damn shame."

"What did I tell you about that cussing?" Daddy Kay said.  "I've told you a million fucking times about that cussing."

"Right."

"Don't forget, the day after tomorrow," Daddy said.  "And don't pull any shit like sneak out of town.  I invented that trick."

"Yes, Dad, we'll be here."

Daddy Kay hung up.

"Crap!" Robbie yelled.  "Crap crap crap!"

"What's the matter, babe?" Thomas said from the couch.

"It's Dad." Robbie said.  "He's coming for a visit.  He wants to see the baby."

"On it." Thomas stood up.  "Kids!" He clapped his hands and waved the kids over.  "Gather round, kids." He picked up the remote and turned the TV off.

"Hey!"

"Shut up and listen!"

The kids actually obeyed.

"Please tell me Dad isn't knocked up again." Gilmore groaned.

"No." Thomas said.

"Are you?"

"Hell no." Thomas said.  "It's been a while since we played this but we're going to play our Let's Pretend You Have A Mommy game."

"Yay! Aunt Chloe and grampa is coming to visit!" They said.

"Don't forget," Thomas said.  "Aunt Chloe is your mommy.  Don't forget to call her that when Grampa Kay is here. Mind your manners. Remember, your baby sister Wendy came out of Chloe's hoo hoo, not your dad's, okay?"

"Okay." The kids said. 

Later on Robbie went over to Chloe's house.  He knocked on the door and waited.  Drake answered the door.

"Drake? What are you doing here?" Robbie said.

Drake looked at him suspiciously.  "I could ask you the same thing."

Chloe came to the door.  "Robbie, what's up?"

"Hello to you too," Robbie said, still looking at Drake.  "Can I come in? We need to talk."

"About?"

Robbie jerked his head at Drake.  "What's the deal with him? Why is he here and why won't he leave?"

Chloe stood between them.  "Me and Drake eloped last month." Drake put a possessive arm around her shoulders.  "His baby needed a mommy and we were in love.  It was the right thing to do."

"I'm so happy for you," Robbie said.  "And thanks for waiting a month to tell me."

"I would have invited you and Thomas," Chloe said.  "But I was afraid you'd bring those bad assed kids of yours."

"Speaking of bad ass kids," Robbie said.  "I have to talk to you about that."

Chloe sighed.  "Fine"

She led Robbie into the living room.  As he and Chloe sat on the sofa, Drake sat right between them.

"Anyway," Robbie said.  "Daddy's coming for a visit to see the baby, so I'm going to need you to be Wendy's mother for a few hours."

"Seriously?" Chloe said.  "Doesn't your family know you like boys yet?"

"What he don't know won't hurt him." Robbie said.

"Robbie," Chloe said, leaning over Drake to talk to him.  "You have to be truthful to him.  Don't hide your true nature from your own father.  He'll love and embrace the real you."

"Did you take every drug in the world?" Robbie asked.  "Did your folks drop you on your head one too many times? Have you met my dad? Lying is necessary here.  Can you please be my fake baby mama for one day? Please? I don't ask for much except more sex and money."

Chloe sighed.  "Fine.  When do you need me?"

"The day after tomorrow."

"I'll be there."

"Thank you." Robbie stood up.  "I appreciate it." He turned to Drake.  "While we're being truthful, who knocked you up?"

"None of your damn business." Drake threw a pillow at him.  "And get out of my house."

Robbie rushed home to find Thomas packing a bag.  "Hey, Chloe is in.  She'll be here right before the fam will."

"Good for you." Thomas said.

"Uh, why are you packing?"

"I'm taking advantage of this," Thomas said.  "I'm gonna go out of town to visit my family."

Robbie began to panic.  "You're going to leave me with all these kids?"

"No." Thomas tapped his husband on the nose.  "I'm leaving you with your family and your fake wife.  You'll be covered." Thomas took his bag and rushed out to his car with Robbie and the kids after him.

"Daddy!" Brodie said.  "Bring me back something expensive."

"I want a truck!" yelled little Andy.

"Me too!" said Thobert.

Robbie bounced Wendy on his hip.  "You are coming back, right?"

"Sure will, babe." Thomas gave him a peck on the cheek.  "Kids, don't tear up the house or my shit and if you do, don't be here when I get back." He climbed behind the wheel and started the car.

"Please come back!" Robbie screeched.  The thought of him alone with all these kids put a cold terror in his heart.

"Sure will!" As Thomas drove off Robbie was sure he heard the word "not!" Son of a bitch!

"Daddy," Gilmore said.  "Wendy stinks.  I think she needs her diaper changed."

Clutching baby Wendy Robbie began sobbing.  His life sucked so bad.

The next day Robbie pulled it together.  He did his best to clean the house to a level above the zoo.  He took out the fake pictures of him and Chloe and placed them everywhere.  He put ladies underwear in the bedroom and on the shower rod. 

Chloe came over an hour before the Kay's scheduled arrival.  To Robbie's dismay Drake was with her.

"Why are you here?" Robbie said.  "You can't be here, you'll ruin the whole thing."

Drake was already sitting comfy in the Lazy Boy chair.  "I got bored, I didn't want to miss the show."

Chloe looked around.  "Where's the baby?"

"She's napping." Robbie looked at Drake.  "Where's yours?"

"In daycare." Drake said.  "Best invention in the world.  It allows me to get out and about."

"I wouldn't know," Robbie said.  "My kids were always getting kicked out.  They never stayed long enough for me to actually enjoy it."

There was a knock on the door. 

"Grampa!" Little Andy yelled as he tried to run for the door.  Robbie scooped him up and held him under his arm like a football.

"I'll get it." Robbie said.  Child in arm he shuffled over to the door and opened it.

There they were.  The entire Kay family stood on their front step.

"Move!" Fee Fee pushed past him.  "I had two liters of diet Pepsi, I really need to pee it right out."

"Where's my drink?" Granny demanded.  "I'm not doing shit until I have my margarita!"

"Hey everybody!" Daddy Kay stepped into the house.  "Who wants to give Grampa a big hug? Where's my little grandfuckers?"

Robbie wished he had a strong drink and a new family.