A voice that I'd gotten used to. A voice that I looked forward to. A voice that was only a voice, until the day it wasn't.

~⊰⊱~

It was finally the weekend.

Not that it mattered to me. In fact, I hated weekends. Except for the fact that I had two days off from work, it was nothing special. It was just two days that I wanted nothing more than to lie down and sleep for hours, the entire weekend if I could.

But I couldn't.

I hated days that I couldn't stay busy.

I missed sleep.

Honestly, I don't even remember how it felt to have a good 8 hours of sleep. 

What I wouldn't give to be able to lie down in my bed, and curl up under my blankets, and not care if I fell asleep. 

What I wouldn't give to look forward to closing my eyes. 

It wasn't as bad as it used to be. Things had changed a bit. 

The nightmares still came, but more often than not, they didn't last as long anymore. 

Sometimes, it was worse than others, but I rarely made it to the point that I believed I was going to die anymore. 

The fear of sleeping hadn't gone away though.

Even if the nightmares went away completely, I still didn't think I would ever lose the fear of falling asleep.

It was a part of me now. It would be with me till I died. 

I thought of the voice, the one that had been bringing me out of my nightmare before it got so intense I could barely handle it. 

Sometimes it was quick, the nightmare barely beginning before the voice would gently pull me out of it. Other times, it took longer, the flames getting closer and closer, and I could feel the heat licking at my skin before the voice would softly tell me that it wasn't real, that it was okay, that it was just a nightmare.

Lately, it seems I've come to expect it, that voice, the voice that made me feel better about the fact that I knew there would always come a point that I would fall asleep, no matter how much I tried not to.

I was so tired. I almost didn't care anymore if the nightmare came. Let it come. Let it take over my mind, let the flames eat me alive.

I didn't care. 

I told myself that at some point at least once a month. But the truth was, nothing scared me as much as falling asleep did. 

I wanted so much not to care. When I was awake, I knew it was a nightmare. I knew it wasn't real. I knew it couldn't hurt me.

But that all went away once I fell asleep.

It felt so real. I could hear the flames crackling all around me. I could feel the heat getting closer and closer, and at times, it felt like my skin was literally starting to bubble and blister under the intensity of it. 

No matter how much I knew it was just a nightmare, that didn't make it any less terrifying when it happened.

My phone vibrated, and I pulled it out of my pocket, knowing that it was either my grandfather, or Namjoon. 

My grandfather texted me occasionally to check on me. He rarely stopped by anymore, because he knew it would just be an hour filled with mostly silence.

Not that I didn't enjoy seeing him. He had helped raise me for the last 11 years. But we really didn't have much to talk about anymore. That was my fault, because all I did was work, and sit here at home trying not to fall asleep.

My grandmother had passed away two years ago, so he was alone, and I knew he got bored. I'd been telling him for the last year about the clubs at the local community center, and he had finally decided to go down once or twice a week, and play cards with the other elderly gentlemen who had made it a habit.

I glanced at the notification. 

It was Namjoon.

Hey Mal, what are you up to today?

12:46pm

I knew that he probably assumed I had come home from work and gotten some sleep. He didn't know about my nightmares. 

I hadn't seen any reason to tell him. 

Not much, just hanging out at home, doing laundry and cleaning up.

12:48pm

I really hoped he wasn't going to try and get me to go out somewhere with him. 

It wasn't that I didn't want to hang out with him. Joon was a great guy, and he really was my best, and only, friend. 

It's just that because I didn't sleep, it was difficult to go and do things most people my age do. 

That was part of the reason I was so hesitant to have him come over to watch a movie with me. I was afraid I would get 15 minutes into the movie, and fall asleep, and then wake up in a panic from the nightmares.

I didn't want him to see that. 

I didn't want his opinion of me to change. I wasn't even sure what his opinion of me was, but it would most certainly not be the same if he knew anything about my nightmares, and my aversion to sleep in general. 

Come get ice cream with me. You can do laundry later.

12:49pm

I sighed. He made it so difficult to say no to him. 

I don't know Joon, I haven't really slept much yet, and I'll probably be yawning the whole time.

12:49pm

Come on Mallory, just this once. You never go out and do anything fun.

12:50pm

Maybe if I went, I could put him off for the next few months. He tried something like this at least twice a month. So far, I'd declined every invitation he'd ever put out. I'm surprised he's still trying, to be honest. I would have given up long ago.

But I guess Namjoon wasn't that kind of person. No matter how many times I had turned him down, he always asked again. 

He deserved a better best friend than me. 

Fine. But only for an ice cream. Then I'm coming home to finish my laundry.

12:51pm

Really? Great! I'm outside your apartment. Meet me out there when you're ready!

12:51pm

What on earth was he doing outside my apartment already? What if I'd said no again?

That made me wonder if he'd been outside my apartment every other time he'd asked me if I wanted to go do something with him. 

I wasn't going to ask him, because I really didn't want to know if he had been. That would make me feel even more terrible for always turning him down. 

I was glad I had showered when I got home from work, so I didn't have to make him wait. 

I grabbed some money and my door key from my purse and stuck it in my pocket, not wanting to carry the cumbersome bag along, and stuck my phone in my back pocket.

I hoped I didn't regret this.

~⊰⊱~

"How can you eat that?" Joon asked disgustedly.

"What are you talking about?" I hummed as I licked my mint chocolate chip ice cream cone. "This is the best flavor there is!"

He shuddered, making a face before taking a lick of his vanilla cone covered in rainbow sprinkles.

"You're lucky you're one of my favorite people ever, otherwise I'd have to end our friendship. I might have to turn around while you finish that though, I don't think I can watch."

I laughed, taking another lick of my ice cream

"You're being so dramatic. It's just ice cream."

"Yeah, but watching you eat chocolate and toothpaste flavored ice cream is making mine so much less appetizing."

I shook my head, rolling my eyes at him.

"You're the one who invited me along. I guess you should have found out my favorite flavor first."

Joon sighed, shaking his head lightly.

"I still would have invited you, even if I'd known. But next time, maybe we'll go get gimbap instead."

I smiled. 

Of course, now that I'd joined him once, he assumed I would do so again.

I might. This had actually been fun. I hadn't felt on the verge of falling asleep either. 

Maybe staying at home was the worst thing I could do. Of course, I was aware that it was the easiest place to fall asleep.  But there were plenty of things I could easily fall asleep while doing in a social setting. Watching a movie at a theater. Sitting in a park enjoying the scenery. Riding the subway. Watching a concert.

I just wasn't a very social person. I'd never learned how to be social. It made me a bit uneasy, being out among people like this.

No one really seemed to be paying much attention to us. Everyone was involved in their own thing. 

But this would take some getting used to. 

I could say though, that I would definitely consider joining him again at some point for another outing. 

"Thank you for asking me out for ice cream, Joon. This was fun."

"You're Welcome. I could have told you it would be fun, if you'd just listened to me. But you were always too busy turning me down."

I smiled crookedly, shrugging my shoulders.

"I know, and I'm sorry. I promise, it has nothing to do with you."

Namjoon raised a brow, studying me for a moment, and I ducked uncomfortably, my hair falling in front of my face.

"I know that Mal, even if you think I don't. I can tell that you don't sleep well. I'm not sure why, and it's fine if you don't want to tell me."

I reached up, pushing my hair out of my face, wondering if I should tell him. 

"It's...I've never really told anyone about it."

"Well maybe you should. Maybe talking about it would help."

I lowered my head, looking at my feet and smiling. I wish it could be that simple. 

"If I thought talking about it would help, trust me, I would. But I don't think anything will help"

I looked up to see Namjoon smiling at me, eyes bright and full of happiness.

"Well, if you ever decide you want to tell someone, I'll always be here to listen. It's tough, seeing you walking around at work like a zombie half the time. At first, I thought it was just because it was third shift, and it was new to you. But after a year, seeing that you hadn't adjusted, I realized that wasn't it. I wanna help, Mal, in any way I can."

I smiled at him, touched by his kindness. He was such a good friend, and I didn't deserve him at all, after how I'd avoided hanging out with him for so long.

"I don't think there's anything anyone can do to help, Joon, but if I ever want to talk, you'll be the first one I come to."

He nodded, his dimples getting deeper as his smile grew.

"That's all I can hope for. We've been friends for 5 years now, and I hope I can be a source of comfort for you if you need it. I'm always here for you Mal, don't ever forget that. Sometimes just talking about something that's bothering you is helpful, even if you don't think it will be. It might not fix it, but putting a voice to it can sometimes make a difference, because in a way, you're separating it from yourself. That could be the start to eventually letting it go completely."

I took a deep breath, letting it out, and wishing more than anything that he was right. If talking about my nightmares would make them go away, I would talk until I couldn't talk anymore. I would tell anyone who would listen, and maybe I would even tell people who didn't want to listen. 

But I didn't think that was possible. I'd been trying for years to let go of the fear, the memories, the images that haunted my nightmares. They hadn't gone anywhere. 

The fact that they had lessened in intensity was something, I guess. 

That might not even be the right way to describe it. They were still intense. They still scared me just as much as they always had. While I was in the deepest darkest corners of the nightmare, it was still just as terrifying.

What Joon said did make sense. Putting a voice to my nightmares would be, in a sense, bringing them outside of myself. You would think that would be the start to letting go of it. If I hold it inside, I'll never get rid of it. 

But the thought of talking about the nightmares scared me almost as much as the nightmares themselves did. That would mean, allowing them to exist during my waking hours, and I didn't want them anywhere near me when I was awake. 

Besides, I didn't want to give them a voice. I wanted them to be silent. 

The only voice I needed, really, was the voice that pulled me out of those nightmares.