Chapter Seventeen: The Awakening

The only thing I could remember was waking up screaming in a cold sweat and hearing Carla telling me to calm down. How could I? I didn't know who I was. I only had memories with no emotions. I told myself that this could not be my life. I could not have been the one who committed the wrong doings employed by the evidence of these findings.

For now, I couldn't think. I saw the woman who called herself Carla through frightened eyes holding me down.

"Let go of me!" I screamed.

"I can't let you hurt yourself, Marianna. The only way I'll let you go is if you calm down."

I cried. It was the tears of a caged animal. I didn't want her to touch me. Touching hurt, but I didn't know why. I couldn't let her see what I was feeling, but my emotions took precedence over my stubborn pride. I let her comfort me until I fell back into sleep.

I woke alone in the corner of the floor with a blanket over me. Surprisingly, I was able to move. I spotted the door to this semi-prison. I was determined to escape this place. I crawled over to the windowsill and hoisted myself to a standing position, but my weak legs turned to jello and swept out from under me.

I lay on the floor and writhed in pain when something miraculous happened. A blue glow contained my body filling me with energy. Also, a

certain peace came over me. It was a sense of hope that I was not alone. I recognized the presence of the being that inhabited my sub-conscience. Somehow I knew she was my mother.

I found once again the nerve and the strength. Even though my body ached I continued. I reached the door seeing two directions of the hallway. One led to a washroom and another a bedroom, and the other direction led to the living room where there was a kitchenette and an outside door.

I decided to go to the washroom first. I didn't know what condition I was in. I made it to the sink and glanced at my reflection. It was like seeing myself for the first time. I became a little obsessed with myself for a few minutes. Looking upon my face I didn't believe it was mine. It was morning, and the sun came shining upon me, oddly stinging my eyes. The pain was almost too much to bear.

I cried out in pain until Carla came rushing to my aide.

"Marianna, what is it?"

"Pain. The sun... it hurts."

"Sit here," she said.

I remained on the latrine until Carla returned with a pair of glasses. I put them on and almost immediately I felt relief. I tried shuffling through my memories to find the reason for this condition. I came to the conclusion that I had not always been like this. I found the answer. The dream I had of being strapped down had not been a dream at all. It was my reality, a horrid existence of a prisoner. Then I remember earlier of the blue glow that came over me, a man's face came to mind. There were those out there that wanted what I possessed.

All these foreign memories frightened me. There were those who were bent on punishing me for being special. I recalled myself saying that I didn't want to be different. Perhaps I knew all along what would happen. Fear once ruled my life, but I thought that now I had a second chance. I couldn't go back in the past, but I was determined to go on with my present and put behind me the past mistakes I had made.

Carla looked on with a stunned expression on her face. "I still can't believe that you're awake," she said with tears in her eyes as she stroked my hair. "I always knew you would. How do you feel?"

"I'm not sure. I don't know this place. Do we live here?"

"Now, we do. Don't you remember what happened?"

"I'm not sure. I remember being bound. I remember blood on my hands, but I don't know how it got there."

"Everything's going to be alright, now. Doctor Brown can't hurt you anymore." I looked at her, confused by the name. "Don't you remember Doctor Brown?"

"Yes," I said and slowly rose from the latrine.

A flash came into my head. It was one of a man with a needle. I could see myself sinking onto the ice-cold floor. Chills ran up my spin as I ran out of the bathroom. I could hear Carla's voice calling after me. I ran down the hallway and into the living room. It was only when I reached the door did my strength give way and I fell to the floor.

"Marianna," Carla said and ran towards me. "Why did you run from me? See that. You hurt yourself."

"He did this to me, Carla. I hate him. It's because of him that I have to spend the rest of my life in the dark," I cried. I wrapped my arms around myself. It gave me comfort to know I was not responsible for the blood.

The breakdown of my dark side proved that. The paralysis came as a way of healing, and now this awakening proved that I was finally ready to put the past where it belonged.

I don't know how long it had been until I gained control of my senses, but Carla remained with me the entire time. I knew this woman, but until now I had no true affection for her. Part of me saw her as a savior, and part of me saw her as the partial cause of what happened to me.

I remember trying to kill her, but I don't know why. So many things in my mind were so jumbled and confused that sometimes it was hard for me to think at all.

I finally had the courage to face Carla and said, "I'm so sorry."

"Sorry for what?"

"I tried to kill you, Carla, and you still took me in and cared for me. Why did you do that?"

"Because you needed someone. Nothing that happened was your fault. We were both victims, Marianna. I thought Doctor Brown wanted to help those children, but I didn't know about the arena fights or the mind altering drugs. When I learned his true purpose I had to get you out of there."

"What about the others?"

"I'll always feel guilty about that, but I had to save you. You see, I knew your mother years ago, before you were born. I even dated your uncle for a while. When I found out you were Josie's daughter I knew I had to save you."

"She's grateful for that," I said. I knew for sure that the voice I had been hearing in my head was that of sweet Josephine. She was my mother in life, but had somehow become my conscience, the guide that led me to the truth of who I was. But why don't I feel like Marianna? There was something more Carla wasn't telling me.

"Who am I, Carla?" I asked.

"You're Marianna Faigon. Don't you remember who you are?"

"I just feel like someone else. I remember being her, but I don't feel like it was really me. Am I someone else?"

"Not Shadow. You can't be her. Please, tell me you're not her. She tried killing Mary and me, and all those other people."

"I don't want to kill, Carla. I just want to be left alone." I walked out of the bathroom and into the bedroom where my awakening began. I closed the door and stayed there until night fell.

The safety of the dark made it possible to be without my glasses. After my year of stillness I wanted to prowl the night and enjoy the sensations that were denied me since my mysterious breakdown.

As I walked through the trees that concealed our mountain hideaway, I tried forcing myself to remember what caused my state of paralysis. I saw scenes with no exact time frames. Places with no names and bodies with no faces. I saw it as my subconscious trying to protect me from the truth, but I didn't want protection. I wanted to know why all this had happened to me.

Carla couldn't give me the answer. Like Josie she just wanted to protect me. I wanted to know the truth.

In my mind I saw a girl who looked like me. I knew her well, but I couldn't place her name. Walking through the tall trees I felt that this was the beginning of the end for her. Had she died? I had her memories, but I didn't feel as if she were part of me.

Suddenly my hands burned, and I saw the creature standing before me. This was who I was. The trueness of my existence came to light. This berserker creature was who I was always meant to be. I wanted to run from it. But how can I run from myself? Before I could find the answers, Carla came rushing towards me.

"Marianna, what are you doing out here? It's freezing and you'll catch your death."

"No, I won't. You know better than I do that I won't die from mere exposure."

"You will when the sun comes up. I brought your glasses. You should always carry them."

"I don't want them. I don't deserve to live after what I have done, and it doesn't matter who's responsible. I still did the deeds."

"No, you didn't. Shadow did."

"And what makes you think I'm not her?"

"Because she had no conscience, but you do. You're Mary, Josie's daughter."

"Josie's daughter is dead. Don't ask me to explain because I can't. There are too many things that I can't explain. Please, just leave me alone, Carla."

I ran away from her but not back up to the cabin. I ran in the direction of the water. I thought if I could drown myself, it would put an end to this torture. As I looked into the clear blue water that looked purplish in the night air, a tranquil feeling came over me. I wanted the calm power of the water, but death would not bring this. Serenity does not come from dying. The torture of the life I led would still be there to haunt me through my next form of existence.

Death was not the answer, but to live could be the most courageous choice of all. I chose to live, but the decision was not completely mine. The voice of my mother urged me to live on even though other influences told me the opposite. I couldn't silence them completely only quiet them for now. Daybreak was soon upon me, so I decided to hike back up to the cabin. I found Carla waiting for me on the front porch, a look of confrontation about her.

"Where have you been?" she asked.

Moving passed her I said, "I don't want to talk about it."

"Well, I do," she said and followed me inside. "Marianna, you can't treat people as if they don't exist."

"Maybe they don't. Maybe I don't. Why do you care what happens to me. You should have just let me die back in the woods where I slaughtered those two men. I should have died that day, but you were too selfish to let me do it."

"Those are Shadow's memories, so you must be her."

"I'm not her, and I'm not you're precious Mary. Don't you see, Carla, I was never born, so Josie wasn't my mother and Doctor Faigon wasn't my father."

"Then who are you?" she asked.

"I don't know. All I know is that Mary and Shadow are gone, and I'm here. I took their lives, Carla. I'm a thief, just the way Siercy planned all along."

"Who is Siercy? Shadow mentioned her before."

"Never mind who Siercy is. Let it lie, Carla, or she'll make you disappear, too."

I walked out of the living room and into my bedroom. I wanted some solitude, but Carla was not about to give it to me. She came stomping into my
room."

"Here," she said. "You might need these."

She handed me my protective glasses. I put them on just as the sun came up. "Please, leave me alone, Carla," I said.

"Not until you tell me about Siercy."

"I can't," I said and sat on the bed. As long as you don't know she can't hurt you."

"But she can hurt you. In that way she hurts me."

I hesitated for a while, but when I looked at Carla's concerned face I realized I owed her the truth. I rose from the bed and walked over to Carla."

"Do you really want to know?" I asked. She nodded in response. "Then I guess you better sit down," I added. She sat down on the bed and waited for me to begin my tale. "Carla, you must understand first that Siercy isn't bad. It's just being a prisoner inside a world where no one loves you. It twists the soul."

"I can't pass judgment unless I know the full story."

"Siercy created Mary. I know it's hard to believe, but Mary was never born. The person she thought she was didn't exist."

"Then Siercy is the true Faigon heir."

"There is no Faigon heir. The child died in the womb of her mother. Siercy did it. She created the Faigon line. She was the next in a long line of Siercy's victims."

"This is too bizarre."

"That's not all, Carla. She was the one who tried to kill you. It wasn't Mary or Shadow; it was her.

They did defeat her, but she can never die."

"Then what exactly is she, and what happened to Mary and Shadow?"

"In answer to both questions I don't know." I yawned, feeling the need for sleep.

"Rest, now, Marianna, but I promise you I will get to the bottom of this."

That thought frightened me. I didn't want to see Carla hurt, but I knew that would be exactly what would happen if she decided to pursue this. Carla had the best of intentions, but she had no idea what she was dealing with. I cared for her too much to let her sacrifice herself for a lost cause.

No matter how I tried, I found myself unable to sleep. The dreams seemed to shadow over me. I cried for peace but only received torment. Why was this happening? I thought. What had I done? I thought perhaps I had made up Siercy, and that she was just an excuse to condone my own wrongdoings. What about

Mary and Shadow? Were they yet again more excuses for my bad behavior?

For now I would be Marianna. That's who Carla wanted me to be. Besides, it was just a name, meaningless and forgettable. Feelings were all that

Existed, whether it was rage, joy or sorrow. These were things I had no memory of experiencing. Who was I if I was not Marianna? I didn't feel real. My wakening should have brought clarity to my life, but all it seemed to did was fill me with indecision.

Time had come for me to forget. Pain and longing would have to wait. No homage to falsehoods would I pay. Until I knew for sure who I was, Marianna would I be.