THE SABLE SPY | THIRTEEN

IT WAS TWO IN THE MORNING and there was a knock on her door. Cass had not fallen asleep yet, as she was not tired, and she released a sigh. Her feet landed on the cold wooden ground before slipping into her wool slippers, and she made no sound as she carefully pulled open the door, finding herself face-to-face with Marcus. His white-gold hair was messy, and he was dressed in a simple white shirt, almost fully buttoned, matched with black breeches.

"I was rather hoping you'd forget."

"Very unlikely, as I was beside myself with anticipation," Marcus murmured, his voice smooth yet muted. "May I come in?"

"I suppose," she grunted, leaving the door open as she stormed across the room. "Lock it behind you."

"As my lady commands." His voice was not mocking and she wanted to slap him for it. It was very hard to hate Marcus Dalton, as she had realised in the past six years. And her body and heart, traitors that they were, still remembered him all too well. She could feel his eyes take in the room, the stainless floors, the organised desk, and the slept-in bed. His eyes raked over her body, clad only in a thin woolen nightgown, and she had to resist a shiver. They were still kids back then, shielded by a wall of innocence, but they were adults now. There was an intensity in his gaze she didn't quite know what to do with.

He simply said, "You couldn't sleep." It was an observation, the words simple and direct with no hidden meaning.

She shrugged. "I was beside myself with dread."

He cracked a half-smile. "That bad, Cass?"

"There is nothing more dreadful and awkward as a heart-to-heart conversation between two former lovers. I have not enjoyed the few we had before this, and this will not be any different. I am very intelligent that way. A seer, almost. I suppose the prophets of the wiccai would take great pride in my skills."

"The wiccai don't have prophets and oracles. That's a myth. You've gone to their island nation once, haven't you? There are those of them who control the elements, who use spells, who can heal and poison with a single touch, but no future-tellers." He paused, glancing around, wondering where he should stand. "I suppose my job is to attempt to prove you wrong, and that this conversation could be enjoyable?" Instead of answering, she walked towards her bed and sat in it, wrapping herself in the blanket.

"You can sit on the chair." She motioned at the wooden chair in front of her desk. "I will not give you my blanket. You can freeze. And I was barely in the Hatlen Isles for more than a day. The wiccai do not like us, which is understandable, as we did try to kill them all merely a century ago."

He smirked. "I'll be fine, but I'm still wounded by your lack of care. If I catch a cold tomorrow, it's your fault."

"You would not dare, for that will reveal that you were in my bedchamber unsupervised in the middle of the night, and my reputation would be ruined and I'd be forced to marry you. You want me back, but you want me willing." She combed her hair through her silky locks. "It is annoying to know that you are kind, Marcus. It is easier to hate an enemy who is not so kind and considerate."

"Am I the enemy, Cass?" It was a genuine question, and she could tell he was both curious about and dreading the answer. She held his heart in her hand, she realised with a jolt. She did not like that she could so easily hurt him, so easily rip him apart. Whatever his faults, he was in love with her. She wasn't sure if that spread a warm feeling across her heart and chest or filled her with worry. Perhaps both.

"I do not know," she finally admitted after letting a moment skip past. "I wish you were. It would make my life so many times easier."

"I apologise." He was being honest, and it made her want to hit him more. He was doing a very good job at enraging her, however accidentally. But he was doing it by being kind, so she could not truly hate or blame him for it. It was all messing with her head. "I know you still care."

"It does not mean I should marry you." She gave him a pointed look, a warning.

"You don't have to."

"I'm twenty-two, Marcus. And I'm supposed to be a respectable lady. One incident when I was sixteen could potentially be excused. A full-on affair at twenty-two could not."

"Then marry me."

She opened one eye. "You're being contradictory and confusing. It bothers me greatly. You are doing it on purpose as well. I will not marry you or become your lover again. I am much more mature now and can see how bad of an idea that is."

"You've always been wise. We did think we would marry back then, so we can't be blamed for not having foresight. Had that... incident not happened, we might have been married for years by now."

"That is a sobering thought," she murmured, staring at the ceiling. "Imagine me. A wife."

"You used to be able to imagine yourself as mine." There was a layer of bittersweet laced in his voice. She shut her eyes again, squeezing them together so that she wouldn't betray herself and glance in his direction. She wasn't certain if she was strong enough to stop herself from doing that.

"Further evidence of how naive I had been. You and I both know I could never marry."

"The issue of your virginity? Your family's rich enough to buy you a husband, I think."

"It will be a marriage of convenience, not love. I refuse to settle for anything less. And no husband, not even one bought, would be willing to let his wife run rampant around the world, risking life and reputation on a game of espionage and spies. Would you?"

"I would if I could go along."

There was a strained smile on her face that she did not bother hiding. "You are trying very hard for me to marry you."

"I am. Is it working? There's no one else out there for me."

She shook her head. "Do not say that. There is someone out there worthy of you, your other half, and that person is not me. I could never be what you wish for me to be."

"I just want you."

"Yes. You want every piece of me. I cannot give you that, Marcus, I think a part of you understands. Eventually you will grow bitter and our relationship will sour like it did six years ago. All this time has clouded and sprinkled your judgment with nostalgia and pleasant memories. You have forgotten all the dark times. You're not thinking clearly again, and we all know what happened the last time that happened around me."

"We made it through. We always did. We could now, if you were willing to try. I can wait. I have time. We have forever."

"I am not a person who can stay in one place happily for long."

"Then wherever you go, bring me with you. I won't complain. I won't utter a single word of defiance." He leaned back in his chair, crossing his legs on it, staring at her with a tilted head.

"I do not want that. I want both of us to be happy. After all the things we have done and been through, I think that is the least we deserve. Don't you agree?"

"Be happy with me." There was a note of pleading in his voice now. She hated having to be the wise one, the one who had to break his heart. But she had to do this, if only to prevent further hurt for both of them. It was the only way.

"Will we be happy together? You are not me. You will grow tired quickly of my lifestyle, unanchored, drifting from place to place. You are, no matter what, a diplomat and politician at heart. This life as an agent... it is a phase for you. It is not for me. Someday, you will become like your father, a bureaucrat working behind the tables, working for your country. A foreign wife who insists on travelling around to collect intelligence in dangerous places she should not be in will only hinder you. Maybe cause an international scandal. Might cost you your future position and bring dishonour on your family." She rubbed her arm, the cool breeze sending a shiver up her spine. For a moment, the room was deathly silent. They were both so still there might have been no one in the room at all. Lady Asteria's offer suddenly rang in her mind, but she pushed it down. If Marcus learnt of it, there went half of her points.

"Do you think I'll make you give up your life?"

"Not even you can stand a wife who spends less than a month a year at home with you," she replied softly, letting out a soft sigh. "Most likely I shall never marry. My relatives will see sense and allow me to become an old spinster. Ciri is the one who shall make the advantageous matches. I am content with being the spinster sister. And what of children, Marcus? You require an heir, do you not?"

"If you don't want them, I don't mind."

She let out a huff of exasperation. "This is the problem. You are willing to make me so many promises now, and I know you will stick by them, for you are a man of his words. But will you be happy with them? No. They will make you miserable. What you need from me, I cannot give."

"What is it you think I want from you?"

"Everything. Soul and body and mind. I am married to my work, Marcus. There is no husband in my future. But you need a wife. I cannot be that wife."

"I don't want to marry one of those debutantes. They're usually worse than your cousin Ned, and that's saying a lot. I can't make any of them happy and they can't make me content. If I marry them, it'll be a marriage of convenience and they'd grow angry at me for being unable to provide the love they want."

"There are plenty of good debutantes out there. Maybe you could marry one of Lady Kuroki's girls."

"Maybe. But I want you."

Gingerly, she met his eye across the room. There were only a few candles lit in the chamber, and one was on the desk he sat in front of, lighting him in a soft luminescent glow that resembled a halo. He had always been an angel, she supposed. And he looked back with his eyes so full of sadness and pleading and love that she just—

Like a coward, she looked away, staring out of the window, watching the pale moon glow on them mockingly. Even now, she could not face him head on. What are you so afraid of? That your defences would crumble and against all logic you'd agree to his demands? Because even now, after six years, you still crave his touch and love? No. She would not put him through the pain. Her great-aunt understood it. It was why she never married. Cadieux understood it, so he only took lovers who accepted that fact about him. Maybe someday, when he retired, he'd propose to Lady Janae. If he managed to survive until he retired anyways.

"You are a fool."

"I know." She could hear the smile on his face. A sad smile. "I'm always a fool around you. Like I told you, if I was a wiser man, I'd have moved on long ago. But I can't. There's no one else for me. And I don't care how long it takes, but I will convince you, love."

Love. She shut her eyes again, placing her head on her pillow, grimacing. He made this so difficult. "I wish you would not be so stupid."

"Every inch of your body wants to agree with me. It's just your brain saying no."

"My brain is logical. It is very admirable."

"Life is too short to approach something like love logically, Cass. I'd thought you'd understand that. You're widely considered a veteran in this game, did you know that?"

"I am rather famous for it, I know. Very annoying, as I have told you before. The Sable's little cubs, dangerous and lethal, trained from childhood. I'm often recognised on sight. It's why I don't do much long-term covert missions anymore. That, I suppose, is another reason why I won't marry you. I have enemies. Enemies who would gladly take me settling down as a chance to kill me. I won't put anyone in danger because of me. If we have children, they will be targets. If there was any hesitation on your own role in this game, they would fly out of the window the moment I become your wife."

"Are you happy running around like this? Everyone knows what your great-aunt is. And the Duke of Shui Xiang. And his duchess. They're rarely ever attacked."

Cass shrugged. "My great-aunt has her entire family by her side and a massive spy network who'd die to protect her. The Duke and Duchess have an entire kingdom behind them. I don't have that, especially if I marry you, in which case I'd be living here, in Arecia. No. I'm not agreeing to this. Move on, Marcus."

"No." His voice was firm. There was no convincing him to change her mind, it had finally dawned upon her. So she just sighed, rubbing her temple, her hair falling over her shoulder like a black silk veil.

"And I thought I was the stubborn one," she murmured, causing him to grin. He was handsome when he grinned, like a little boy after a successful prank. It made her want to pinch his cheeks. Once upon a time, she'd have done that.

"Oh, darling," he mused, throwing his head back in a deep chortle that sent shivers down her spine, "when I put my mind to something, I can be a thousand times more stubborn than you. You've just never seen me like this. I suppose I hid some things from you too. We didn't know each other as well as we thought."

"We were young and arrogant. It is not our fault." She was sitting up now, cross-legged, hair spilling down into her lap. Her eyes were half-shut, black hair against pale skin and a white night dress. His eyes seemed to twinkle with amusement as he watched from his side of the room, taking pleasure in her half-asleep state and clear exasperation. He could be as persuasive and charismatic as Laurence if he truly wanted to. He wouldn't like it, but he could. "Let us learn from the mistakes of the past and not repeat them."

"Here's the problem: you don't have any good points to stand on, so you keep repeating the same thing over and over. It's starting to get on my nerves. If you can't think of a good reason not to come back to me, just say it. I won't mock you." He pushed himself up from the chair, stalking over like a wolf following its prey. She raised her head, startled by the sudden movement, meeting his blue eyes that seemed like the colour of the deep sea in the barely lit room, holding back a gasp of surprise as he sat down on the foot of the bed.

Instinctively, she pulled up her sheets. "This is not appropriate."

His reply was the same as before. "We've done worse." Without another word, he reached out and stroked the blanket where her leg had extended. Cass stopped herself from sucking in a surprised breath, instead yanking her feet back, giving him a glare.

"You liked that, don't lie."

"I will not do that. But this is still unwise and improper." But she didn't stop him as he shifted his position forward, until he was sitting at the same level as her waist. There were quiet flames in her eyes as she stared at him, flickering in annoyance. Yet she was still acutely aware of where his body was, and his little movements as he adjusted his position before his gaze met hers.

Smiling eyes. She rolled her own in annoyance. Everyone thought he was cold and removed, so unapproachable. They could not be more wrong. Marcus was one of the kindest, sweetest people she knew, and while that normally would have been wonderful, the fact that she was meant to resist him placed her in a bad situation. But she'll endure. She always did.

"Is it?" He was still grinning, his hand now moving up and down her bare arms. She stopped herself from shaking. Swallowing, she screwed her eyes shut. It was difficult to pretend to be unaffected, so she didn't, yanking her arm away, tucking it under the blanket. He released a throaty laugh, deep amusement wrinkling his forehead. "I don't mind. I like it too. So why not?"

"Marcus..."

"Stop trying to resist. I know it'll take time for you to trust me again, but I'm willing to wait and take my time." His hand touched her chin, and her eyes snapped open. His face was bare inches away from hers. She hadn't felt that. She stared at him, frozen in place, unable to move or resist. "I'm not giving up," he whispered into her ear, and she let her shoulders drop.

"Marcus..."

Then he pressed his lips to her, and the words were forgotten. Her mind went blank. The kiss was sweet and innocent, six years of heartbreak hovering between their skin. She managed to resist for all a moment before opening her mouth slowly, allowing him access. There was a soft moan. She didn't know who had made the sound, him or her.

And then he pulled away. She stared at him, eyelids heavy, eyes glazed. "You shouldn't have done that."

"I know," he murmured, pushing a lock of her black hair behind her ears. "Funny enough, I don't care. Go to sleep, Cass. We have a busy day tomorrow."

She watched from the bed as he moved across the room, silent as a wraith, flashing her one last little smile before slipping out of the door. Finally gathering her wits, she rubbed her forehead, groaning. She hadn't meant to let him do that. She was supposed to push him away, disway him from this path of action. Instead, she had accidentally encouraged him. Confirmed that she still cared that way.

She bit her lower lip, letting her head fall back onto the pillow, staring blankly at the ceiling, sucking in a deep breath. Fuck. This wasn't going the way she wanted it to.

Two days left. If all went as planned and she managed to retrieve Ciri on Friday, she'll leave on the first ship back to Asayama. Away from temptation. Away from Marcus Dalton. Away from all the things that would take her heart and crush it once more.

She didn't know if she could survive heartbreak twice.