"I can't wait till we reach Istanbul. I have been waiting for years to be promoted into Great Divan, and only now I gained the opportunity," my husband Murad said as our carriage was taking slowly from Sofia, where we lived for the last 10 years, to the capital Istanbul.

Those last 10 years were terrible for me, living with a man who looked at me only as a thing from which he would gather political influence. We never loved each other and we didn't even try to, because none of us wanted the same thing. I wanted love, while he wanted power.

We lived in Sofia in big palace of his family who worked for my dynasty for more than hundred years. Actually I didn't hate Sofia, but I hated him. His family welcomed me so nice, but he – he was always so cold and never even showed me attention. Only thing we had was our daughter Aslihan who was 14 years old, and she was the only reason why I didn't run away from Sofia until I gathered opportunity to leave Istanbul.

My name is Safiye. I was born on cold November night of 1505, as youngest child of Sultan Selim Khan and his beloved consort Gulbahar. My parents had a son named Mahmud, who was 4 years elder than me. But when epidemic arrived Mahmud died. My mother was devastated and I remember her crying whole day and night.

To other people in Harem she wasn't anyone special now. By losing her only son she has lost her title of Sultana. People began to disrespect her, but my father always continued to love her.

In 1512 my grandfather Bayezid died, and my father became Sultan. We moved to Istanbul in big palace of Topkapi, the most beautiful palace from outside, but only us knew how things inside were. How those walls knew so many secrets, saw so many betrayals and so many deaths.

My half brother Suleiman now became heir to the throne, and together with his mother Hafsa Sultan moved to main province of Manisa, while his full sisters Beyhan, Fatma, Sah and Hatice were all married off to influential state officiers.

In Topkapi only my father, mother and me stayed, and those were the most beautiful times of my life.

My mother often would cry because she was afraid what would happen when father would die. What would happen to us since Suleiman is son of another woman. She always asked herself how her life would be if my brother Mahmud survived.

But father was always with her. He loved her so much, that I always wished to have such a kind of love.

At the court of my father served a bosnian officier, known as Malkocoglu Bali Bey. A man which was the first one I fell in love for.

As father loved to held his meetings in his private courtyard, I would usually walk there with my mother. When I was 13 years old I saw him for the first time and he was not many years elder than me. Mother knew I liked him from the first moment.

"Mother, if I have to marry someday, I wish to marry for Bali Bey," I said as my mother laughed at my words. She gently placed her hand on my cheeks.

"Whatever you wish for my darling, but when you grow up a bit. You are still young," she said and smiled, leaving me full of hope I would be able to marry him someday.

I was so in love, I didn't know what to do. I thought my feelings won't be returned and that it will be always a stupid childish love, but once I accidentally stayed alone with Malkocoglu in the gardens, when we started communicating. Eventually, he started sending me letters when he had to leave for Serbia, promising me he would meet me as soon as he returns.

I waited for him, and the summer arrived, and he arrived too. I heard from my maid Cihan that he arrived, but I couldn't even see him until he meets my father. But I still remember that day like it was yesterday:

"Do you believe me I counted days since I left? I couldn't wait to look at your eyes once again," Bali said as he saw me in the gardens waiting for him.

I blushed not knowing how to react since almost a year passed and he haven't changed even a bit. He took a red rose and gave it to me.

"I know rose is not worthy of you, and that you deserve everything best in this world, but I give you this with love," he said as I took the rose into my hands.

And my mother also wished for us to marry, since I was almost in the age of marrying. But she was afraid how would my father react. He was soon going to a campaign, and she didn't want to discuss those things before.

"I will be waiting for you Malkocoglu to return from campaign."

"I will think of you when I'm at battle, knowing that when I return I will be able to ask your father for your hand," Bali said as we were holding hands knowing no one could be able to see us here.

"I brought this necklace for you. In case anything bad happens, you always have something to remind you of me," he said as he gave me the most beautiful necklace I have seen in my life.

"Nothing bad will happen. I will pray for you every day and every night. You will return victoriously," I said giving him a smile.

"I will have strength knowing that when I return you will be able to become my wife."

He said before leaving. Together with my father he went into a campaign, but horrible news got us – because father never returned from the campaign.

When messenger delivered us that news in 1520, none of us could believe how this happened. I couldn't believe I didn't even know last time could be the last time I was talking with my father and I didn't even say him a goodbye.

Very soon my brother Suleiman arrived and he was crowned as the Sultan. I loved him and I was glad for him, but the trouble began when Hafsa Sultan, who was now Valide Sultana, returned into the palace.

Her first order was to dismiss my father's harem together with my mother and banish them all to the Old Palace. I knew this day would come, but I didn't know it would be so soon.

While everyone stopped mourning my father I still didn't want to wear any clothes beside black. Because I didn't just lose my father, but my mother was also sent away in Old Palace and I couldn't see her whenever I wished for.

Only feasts started occuring in Harem to celebrate Suleiman's ascending to the throne, and even if I loved and respected my brother I couldn't believe how they all so quickly got over my father's death.

12th December 1520

I will never forget that day. Suleiman appointed Malkocoglu to stay in Serbia to make sure the rebellions don't start there after the war. I hoped and waited every day for him to return. He sent me letters always, but Suleiman didn't even think of allowing him to return.

I waited for him and knew nothing could separate us. Until this day came.

Hafsa Valide Sultan invited me to her chambers. I knew things aren't good when she would invite me. She never loved me nor cared for me, but I understood it since I wasn't her daughter.

"Safiye, I have news I have to share with you," she said as she sat on the couch of her chambers while Suleiman's consort Mahidevran and Gulfem sat next to her.

"I found perfect man for you and you will be going to married off. You are of enough age to be married and this is going to be good for you," she said breaking my heart into million pieces. I knew there is nothing I could do about this. I couldn't say anything to her.

"May I only know who that man is?" I asked her. In my heart I still had a bit of hope it would be Bali Bey.

"Murad Pasha. Governor of Bulgaria and Balkans. Wedding will take place in a month and then you will move away with him," she said as she obviously couldn't wait for the moment she would get rid of me from this court.

In late January of 1520, I was married off to a man I have never seen before in my life. On the day of my wedding, I decided to write the last letter I would send to Malkocoglu. I was furious inside, because he hasn't returned and now I had to marry someone else. I knew this wasn't his fault. I knew I couldn't blame him. But that was the best way for me to forget him.

Dear Malkocoglu,
our destiny obviously knew we weren't mean to each other. I am going to marry to another man I don't even know, but I know I could never ever love him.
May you find someone you love, and for you to be happy.
S.

Tears ran down my face while I was writing this letter in my wedding dress. Everyone around me was excited about my wedding. Only my mother, who was allowed to come on my wedding day, knew how hurt I was inside. But we couldn't tell Suleiman about those things.