Lochlan

Those closest to me knew I blamed myself for what happened to Marianna, but it had been a long time since I spoke the words out loud. They rang as true now as they had the first time I spoke them at eight years old while looking into Mrs. R's broken eyes. How had we even gotten here? We were supposed to be talking about my awful relationship with my father?

Mille touched my knee. I couldn't look at her, but I did lower my hand from my face and take a calming breath.

"Lochlan, we don't have to talk about it."

"No, I think..." My hand covered hers. "I think I want to. Fuck, I haven't talked about it in years. I mean, not the specifics. I talk about the case almost every day it feels like. As soon as I was old enough, I started my investigation."

I pushed the pillows behind me and leaned against them, opening my arms for Millie. She didn't hesitate to go into them. Her soft flesh was warm against mine, and it spread deeper than just the skin, going to my heart and giving me the strength to speak the next words.

"I'd been with the Reeds for most of the summer while my father was out of the country. Alex was at piano lessons, and Mrs. R was at dinner with a friend. Marianna was napping. John and I were watching old Westerns in the living room when he received a work call. When the doorbell rang, I didn't immediately get up to answer it. There was a rule about answering the door without an adult present, but the bell wouldn't quit ringing. I didn't want it to wake Marianna."

I was eight years old again, running down the long, cream carpeted hallway. In my memories, it was far darker and more menacing than it had been in reality, and through the stained glass window in my mind, her shape was demonic and back-lit by red.

"When I saw who it was, I opened the door and let her in."

Millie's palm flattened on my chest, and I felt her face shift as she looked up. "You knew the person?"

"Karen Whitethorn."

"I remember seeing her name in the articles I found on the internet. She was the nanny?"

"The ex-Nanny. I don't know much about what led to her being fired. The Reeds would never go into detail about it, only saying she'd violated personal boundaries they weren't comfortable with. Of course, rumors flew later that John had an affair with her."

"And you don't think he did?"

I clamped my lips together to stop the immediate denial from escaping. For so many years I would have said absolutely not and had zero doubts I was wrong, but some things I'd learned along the years pointed in a direction I wasn't entirely comfortable with until I had to admit the truth. John was a good man, but he wasn't infallible.

"I think it's possible," I said at last.

The bed creaked as Millie leaned away to grab something off the nightstand, leaving me cold. She mock protested when I dragged her back to me. Only when she was settled back under my arm did I quit pestering her and noticed she'd picked up her phone.

"She looks like Anna."

She had googled Karen Whitethorn. I took the phone and enlarged the photo she was looking at. It was true. Same honey blond hair. Same lush figure and oval face. If someone didn't know any better, they might think they were sisters.

"What's your point?" I asked, handing the phone back to her.

Millie clicked the sleep button and tossed the phone aside. "That John had a type if he had an affair."

"I suppose so."

"What happened after you let her inside?"

"She asked to see John. I told her he was on a call and she would wait. I went see if he was free because she looked bad. Like she'd been crying. There was a bruise on her cheek. I stopped to check on Marianna before I went to his office. She was still asleep."

I'd stood over her crib, watching her sleep for nearly a minute. Her round cheeks were flushed, and the wispy strands of hair that had only recently grown long enough to support the millions of bows Mrs. R had been collecting were sticking out in a dozen directions. She snuggled against the elephant I'd gifted her at Christmas. Its limbs and trunk already turning dingy from constant carrying.

"John was still on the phone." My voice thickened with emotion. If only I hadn't waited so patiently, maybe Karen wouldn't have had time to take Marianna. "I waited until he got off and told him who was here. When we came back down, Marianna was gone, and so was Karen."

"Oh, Lochlan."

"The Reeds never blamed me. Not once."

"Of course not."

I shook my head, and the first tear slipped free. "I broke the rules."

"You were a child."

"You know who blamed me? My father. He arrived the next night. First thing he said to me was, 'I always suspected you were going to be a fuckup. I never would've guessed it would be this bad.'"

Millie straddled my hips and cupped my face. Her thumbs wiped away the wetness, and she leaned forward to press a kiss against my mouth. "Listen to me when I say this. I adore watching you with the Reeds. There is such obvious love between the three of you. It's genuine and has nothing to do with all the extra crap you do to make up for losing Marianna. Don't you understand? They chose you back then, and they keep choosing you because you're worth it."

My head fell forward, and she cradled it against her breasts while I cried. If my father saw me now, he would call me a worthless pussy. Real men didn't cry, and they sure as hell didn't cry in front of women. But in all the years I could remember, I'd never felt so light and clean when I finally finished and pulled away.

"Thank you," I said, catching her hand and kissing the heel of her palm.

She was quiet for a long moment, then said, "I do too, you know."

"Do what?"

Her hand went between our bodies and wrapped around my cock. It had been half hard since she'd climbed in my lap, but it hadn't exactly been an ideal moment to act on it. With a single touch, it grew harder and thickened in her hand. I handed her a condom and watched with half-lidded eyes as she rolled it down my length before pointing it at her entrance.

With her bottom lip sucked between her teeth, she lowered herself slowly, inch by torturous inch, but I didn't hurry her. I loved watching her expression change as she stretched around me.

Arms going around my neck, she rolled her hips experimentally. Finally, she found her rhythm, a slow grind that had her panting within minutes and me seeing stars as my fingers bit into the plump flesh of her hips.

Her pace quickened as she neared her peak. Already, I recognized her body's signs. The way her eyes grew unfocused and her legs tensed just before her walls clamped down on my cock like a pulsing vise.

I readied myself. The moment she came, I was going to roll her to her back and drive my body into hers until we both found release, but just before she shattered, she locked eyes with me.

"I choose you," she whispered. "I choose you, Lochlan."