Hm... Feels like it's been while since the last Roasting Review... So consider this my Sunday gift to the world... straight out of the oven, the fantasy novel The Bone Cage by @unfriendlykat.

Once I got the request, this book had a black-background cover with a depiction of a nicely drawn cage on it. But when I started reading it, the cover had changed to a white-background one with a crow on it... Don't know how that fits into the story, I liked the first one better to be honest. The blurb is a bit on the long side, but very well written, promising an engaging journey in the reals of magic, heroes, kings and a lot of plot twists... So join me, as we witness what exactly went wrong.

Plot & Characters

This plot explanation is going to be a rough one, so bare with me.

Etta Merrow, a witch who's been celebrated as a hero throughout the land, has been imprisoned in a corridor for a thousand years (!?!), having almost no memory of who she is. Despite having given up on her life for all these years, in the beginning of our story she conveniently listens to an ominous voice who tells her to escape, so... she does. She digs a passageway in the rotten wood and escapes in a jungle, only to be knocked out by the old lady who had imprisoned her in the first place.

Enter our prince/lord Adrian, a guy who is the whiniest pussy in the history of whiny pussies. This guy suffers from massive depression because a) the ghost of his father, whom he had always hated, follows him around, showing him that his death is near and b) magic has died in the land, so the people are unhappy... There is also a war going on, so things don't look promising for our coward prince. A fortune-teller tells him to seek the long dead Etta Merrow, the only one who can lead him to a legendary city where magic still exists. So Adrian ventures into the jungle (which is exactly next to his house), and finds Etta. Yeah.... because why not?

Adrian captures the witch, but she refuses to help him with his search so she is being thrown in jail. All her memories return inside this cell, with Etta realising she has died plenty of times and she is not at all the hero everyone thinks she is. She is a bad person, has killed a lot of men, and she is also not a real witch, but a magic-thief. The only reason she keeps living is her sister, Sofia, who lays trapped in the legendary magical city... In the cell, she is paired with a male prisoner named Adler, who of course has a key for the cell and knows the way out of this prison, and who also searches the ancient magic city... because why not?

Meanwhile Adrian is being threatened by his bitch of a wife Marin and is forced to follow her out in the streets, where they are abducted by a gang of rebels. But surprise, surprise.... his wife is one of the Rebels herself, and surprise, surprise, Adrian's best friend, Thea, who he thought was dead, is the leader of the Rebellion.... In a weird conflict, Marin escapes and Adrian is stabbed and left bleeding on the floor. 

Etta and Adler manage to escape, but along the way they find a hidden cage where a winged, shapeshifting girl is imprisoned. They rescue her and end up in Adler's house, and do you want to take a wild guess to who they bump to? If your guess was Thea, the Rebellion members and the dying Adrian, then you win a cookie and my love. Anyways, Etta manages to heal the prince under the winged girl's commands. The girl reveals she is the third fate and that the world is coming to an end... and then leaves.

In the last two chapters we find out about Adrian's and Thea's previous life, as well as poor Adler begging Etta to help him, but of course she says no. 

Are you confused yet? Because I sure as FUCKING HELL am. There are SO MANY things in this book that just don't make sense! Why is Etta celebrated as a Hero? If she really a murderer, how come performs healing magic? These two things just don't match! Who was the old lady in the jungle , how did she managed to capture her and why? How come Etta still lives after a thousand FUCKING years in captivity, eating only fruits?  Why is Etta absolutely sure that her sister Sofia still lives after a millennia? Why do the people rebel? Is it for magic, is it for poverty, is it for this weird war which is only mentioned once? Why is the third fate locked in Adrian's library and what is her purpose other than just say a few confusing things and leave? So many questions, and so few unsatisfactory answers. I understand that the writer wants to keep a sort of mystery in the whole lore of this story, but this is insane! Once you've reached the middle of this story, there are so many things left unexplained, it's pretty hard to keep up with what's going on.

The Deus-ex-Machina in this story is close to ridiculous. Etta escapes, is immediately discovered by Adrian, who has also received a prophecy about her at the EXACT SAME TIME!  She is thrown in the same cell with a guy!, who has the key and knows the way and whose house is the lair of the Rebels, who Adrian and his wife decided to pay a visit at the EXACT SAME TIME! Because that happens! Things also just appear midway, like Adler's sister, Lyse who just pops up in the Rebel house having lost an arm in the exact same time Adrian is laying on the ground dying... just so Etta can show her healing powers.

Let me tell you why this book actually enraged me... Because I had hopes for it. The first chapter has a map, pictures and character backgrounds, and a beautiful poem that brings the reader in the mood for something truly epic. But as you read along, the more this story feels like an intended short story rather than a full one. There are plenty of things who are just not well-thought, like someone having a truly epic dream of the basic structure and characters, but never managed to find plausible ways to connect the dots.

The characters are also weird at times. Etta starts confused, but as she remembers her past, her mind turns around 180 degrees in what I like to call, the "antihero effect". The writer wants the MC to be dark and gritty, but at the same time like-able. So the MC turns into this "I don't want to help because I'm bad, but I end up help every time any way". Not my personal favourite.

And Adrian... Oh God. He is such a whimper, I can't even. The only thing he does is being depressive and absolutely useless, which makes it impossible for me to even feel sorry for him. He is a spoiled, rich guy. Nothing more. Adler is the only fun character so far, with some funny lines and a character that actually has motives, even thin ones.

Thea and the rebels are just meh... at least at this point. I am not quite sure why the Rebellion even exists, since a lot of things are mentioned (absence of magic, war, poverty, hunger.) I hate Adrian so I desperately want to back them up, but their intentions are not clear either.

Grammar and Writing Style

The grammar is almost perfect and the people/places descriptions are very good, making the reader picture the landscapes clearly. But that makes me even more angry. This story is clearly NOT a first draft. The writer actually read this through and proofed it. Then why is the pacing so weird? In a total of fifteen minutes Adrien and Etta have discovered each other, but fifteen minutes are also used for a lengthy and pretty unnecessary description of Etta's healing session. The events description is also lacking. Things happen without much rhyme or reason, and unlike the MC/places descriptions, they feel forced and basic.

The dialogue was also a problem for me. It feels unnatural, every character just throws mystic phrases without much sense. There is always that weird cryptic feeling, which starts of as exciting, but ends up tedious after a while. Especially when questions are being asked, only to be answered with a "This is not the time to learn this stuff. Maybe someday I'll tell you, when you are ready enough." Just no.

Advice for the Writer

1) Plan this story. The various interactions we had through inline comments has lead me to believe that there are huge parts of this story you haven't paid much attention to. If you want to make such an intrigued and lore-rich world, you really need to have a concrete plan with timeline, character traits and backstories etc. Also, give us clues about some of the backstory. Seriously, I've never wished so much for exposition in my life. Very important things f.e Adrian having a son, are brushed through in mere words and are only mentioned ones or not at all. You don't need to result in chapters that are pure telling, but you definitely need to incorporate your past into the present narration.

2) Be realistic. This is a fantasy book, but this no excuse to just throw plot devices out of nowhere. The meetings of the various characters throughout the story ranged from slightly unbelievable to pure "Are you fucking kidding me?". People that just step up randomly to other people with very implausible explanations is never a good sign in writing. Make this a challenge for the reader, make us wonder if the characters are ever going to meet with one other, not just "And Etta magically found Adrian in Arden's dungeon".

3) Fix the pacing/dialogue. You really need to put more time and effort in your situation descriptions. Lengthy, detailed landscapes are a nice thing to read about, but don't offer much to the story as the characters interactions. I would suggest letting your MCs talk like regular people for once too. This is a world where magic, prophecies and fates exist, but that doesn't mean the characters have to speak with riddles all the time.

Final Rating: 5/10. I sincerely wanted to give this book a higher rating, but after a while it just became a big mind-fuck. The idea is very good, but edits are necessary for this story to shine.