Chapter 81 – Parabatai or Lover

--- 2 days before the start of the war. ---

"Parabatai?" I croaked, imitating Isabelle.

Isabelle nodded and pulled on my hands as if she wanted to signal something to me. As if she wanted to make me aware of something she had already realized. "I want us to become Parabatai, Clary."

My mouth fell open. A wave of heat washed over me. Like the core of a volcano, deep inside my body, it bubbled upwards, outwards, flooding me with a heat as if I had been pushed into a stream of magma. My senses were only peripherally aware of the murmurings that were building around me.

"You want me to be your Parabatai?" I repeated slowly and clearly, already afraid of the laughter that would follow. Because I was sure that I must have misunderstood Isabelle.

But Isabelle's smile grew in intensity, as if this sudden daydream just continued. Her fingers dug into mine, as if she was afraid I would let go. Suddenly I barely felt the pressure of her skin. My pulse pounded so loudly in my ears that I had difficulty understanding her next sentences. "I always thought I knew what friendship was. For me, friendship was always just a relationship between two people, not of a romantic nature. I called everyone I had contact with from time to time my friends. People who were actually just acquaintances. Loyalty and trust were always synonymous with family for me, because that was the only place I knew it from. As a Nephilim, you have to trust the community in battle, but that's over as soon as it gets personal. I never thought anything of it, because I only knew this kind of bond from Alec and Jace, who are Parabatai themselves. In short, for quite a long time I had no idea what friendship was at all."

"Until I met you," Isabelle continued, the smile on her pale lips looking strangely twisted. It took me a moment to realize it was nervousness. My eyes almost popped out of my head in response, because I knew no one as confident and composed as Isabelle. She would be the first to keep a clear mind in a losing battle. "We had a pretty rocky start, but I'm so glad I overcame my prejudices. Because you showed me what true friendship is, Clary. You saved my life up there and you didn't even hesitate. When you went to Blake's house, you confided in me because you knew I wouldn't betray you. Just like I know I can trust you with my life. Except for my family, there was no one before you that I could say that about."

"I would trust you with my life too," I said quietly, overwhelmed by the meaning of her words. There was a hint of genuine surprise in it as I realized what my father would have called a mistake. "Three months ago, I wouldn't have thought I would ever trust anyone but Jonathan in battle."

"Many Shadowhunters don't have a Parabatai. You can only complete the ritual until you turn 18. Until then, you have to find someone you want to enter into this bond with. I didn't expect to ever have a Parabatai."

"Are you sure?" I asked in a whisper. I couldn't believe it was her. That she wanted me. Just like I still hadn't fully grasped that Jace wanted me. Yes, I was worthy of being loved. I was worthy of being a friend. I knew all of those things. But that they also saw me for the person I really was was something else.

"I am," Isabelle answered with determination, as if she had been thinking about it for much longer than today.

"You will be judged," I replied. "Some will blame your parents. They will say they never renounced Valentine. They will ostracize and avoid you because they despise the Morgensterns."

Isabelle just rolled her eyes. "You live in our house. You are surrounded by us every day. I think we are long past that argument. And even if we aren't, I don't give a damn what these people think. I couldn't care less what Imogen Herondale, the Clave or my own parents think."

Tears ran down my cheeks. I thought of my mother. Was this what she had imagined when she had forced me away from my father? Had she believed that I would actually fit into the society she had once been a part of?

"I'm asking you now officially. Clarissa Morgenstern, will you do me the highest honor and become my Parabatai?"

I didn't hesitate. "Yes," I blurted out. And then we were in each other's arms.

Everything after that was a whirlwind of congratulations, laughter and tears. But we didn't have much time to celebrate. My rune had cost Isabelle so much strength that she couldn't even stand upright. The Iratze only helped to a limited extent and the Silent Brothers assumed that we both needed a long night's sleep and that we would see what happened tomorrow. After that they released us from the Basilias.

Adam had set off to inform the Inquisitor of his information. Alec had invited him to spend the next few nights with us at the Lightwoods' estate. He had offered him the room next to mine. Now that he had handed his family over to the Clave and was also prepared to repeat everything under the influence of a truth rune, he would no longer be welcome in his own home. Adam was sure of that. But he had refused. He didn't want to and couldn't abandon his siblings. Turning his back on his parents must have been one of the hardest decisions of his life, if not the hardest. I only knew them sparingly, had exchanged few words with them at the ball. But Adam's siblings were all much younger than him and he didn't want to leave them alone. Because as things stood, their plan was for the entire Demonhunter family to leave Alicante. Including Adam and his brothers. Something Adam had to prevent.

Unlike Adam, we headed straight home. Isabelle and I would sleep in and Jace and Alec would ... I didn't know. Make plans, maybe. They would find something useful. Even if it was just the beginning of an idea about how to stop my father from summoning Raziel at Lake Lyn. Because now that we knew where and how the summoning would take place, we had to do everything we could to outwit Valentine and Jonathan.

Alec was pushing Isabelle's wheelchair across the threshold of the mansion when she began to speak. "I've been thinking," she said to me, a new sparkle in her dark pupils. "We can hold the ceremony tomorrow."

Although we had decided to form the Parabatai bond, I hadn't given the ceremony any thought. "It won't happen that quickly. We haven't gone through any of the tests yet. We'll never get to that before the war starts."

Just because two Shadowhunters had found each other, they couldn't simply apply the Parabatai rune to each other. The ceremony, which took place in front of the assembled Clave, was preceded by several tests that they had to complete together. The content of the tests was secret and was only revealed to the two candidates when the time came. They were intended to test the bond. To make sure that they were truly destined to become Parabatai.

But Isabelle just snorted and made a dismissive gesture. The fact that she was sitting half-slumped in her wheelchair only made the whole gesture more amusing. "We were in Heaven and we defied an angel and survived. If anyone has proven themselves, it's us."

"You may be right," Alec commented absentmindedly as he slammed the door behind us. "But you'll have to convince Imogen of that."

"She won't be happy about it," Jace said in a deep voice. He had been in a strange mood all evening. Ever since I woke up in the Basilias. He had congratulated me just as happily as the others after Isabelle and I declared ourselves Parabatai. And yet ... Something was wrong. He was upset and I didn't know why. He had carried me the whole way here, but hadn't looked directly at me once. As if he were dragging some object around and not a person.

"That's exactly why," giggled Isabelle. "Just seeing her face will be worth asking for an immediate ceremony."

The thought finally made me smile too. Jace climbed the stairs, closely followed by Alec, who had now also lifted Isabelle up. The stale aroma of old wooden floorboards and burnt candles filled my nose as we reached the first floor. The tiredness increased in my veins as if by itself.

"And what if she says no?" asked Alec.

"Then let's just do it anyway." I shrugged, even though they probably couldn't see it behind us. "We don't have to stand in front of the Clave to get the runes applied. The half of the room won't care anyway."

In Alec's arms, Isabelle burst out laughing again. When they reached the first floor, they wished us goodnight and Jace continued on his way up. As soon as the door closed behind them and we climbed the second flight of stairs, we fell silent. Suddenly, the wooden walls on either side of the stairs seemed much too close to each other. As if there was hardly any room for us to climb between them. As if they were moving closer together with every step Jace took, trapping us between them. I wasn't actually claustrophobic, but the atmosphere between Jace and me seemed strange and spread an unfamiliar feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I waited, not really sure if he was just exhausted or if I had misinterpreted his body language. With Jace's typical grace, he opened the door to my room without loosening his grip on me. After entering, he pushed it shut almost silently with one foot and then strolled over to my wide bed. He carefully set me down on the mattress and pulled his arms out from under my body. As soon as his touch on my skin faded, I was sure that my suspicions were correct. One look at his face was enough. The way he pulled away from me was enough.

For a moment Jace hovered over my prone body, his empty eyes focused on a spot to my right. Then he rocked back on the balls of his feet and rose to his full height.

Unease spread through my veins at the sight of the mask in front of his face. I couldn't put a number on what it was that was making me feel uneasy. An instinct deep in my gut told me that if I didn't intervene, he would retreat. Jace moved backwards, away from the bed, his muscles indicating that he would turn over at any second.

Last night he had desperately wanted to be here with me, and now it seemed as if he wanted nothing more than to get away from me as quickly as possible.

"Thank you for defending me from Alec," I breathed into the wall of silence between us, hoping to hear his voice. It didn't matter what he said, as long as he said something. I didn't know where my own growing unease was coming from.

Jace blinked in response to my words, and for a horribly long moment I feared he would say nothing and just disappear. But then his mask began to crumble. His lips, which had been pressed tightly together, suddenly began to quiver, as if he was trying to stop himself from speaking.

"You should sleep. The Brothers said it would take a lot for your body to regain its strength," was all Jace replied. Cold and distant and not at all concerned, as one would expect from such words.

"I'm fine," I replied.

The appraising laughter that cut through the room like a sharp sword made my head jerk up. "This again? Don't act like you're fine. You look terrible."

"Wow, thank you for the compliment," I muttered, more snippily than I had planned. "It's a good thing I can probably judge my condition better than you. The day couldn't have gone better for us, so yes, I'm more than fine."

"What, are you just going to pretend like nothing happened?" The accusation in Jace's voice was unmistakable. As if I had committed a crime and he wanted to force me to confess.

"We know where the mirror is." As I spoke, I challengingly stared into his eyes. If he really wanted to act like an idiot, fine. "What's your problem?"

"My problem," Jace said, as if the answer was obvious. "Is you." The death glare he gave me could have come from the old Jace. He took another step backwards and now stood with his back to my closet.

Meanwhile, I had sat up on the pillows to get a better look at him. I felt cornered, although I didn't even know why. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, you almost got killed by an angel today and you don't care at all. Better yet, you're making fun of it."

"I don't understand ..."

"Exactly that is your problem, Clary. You don't understand anything."

"Then enlighten me already!" I burst out like an exploding bomb. With a volume that made Jace flinch and crash into the cupboard. "What do you want from me, Jace? Tell me the truth instead of making cryptic remarks!"

I had thought I had finally left my social inability behind me with Jace. Apparently I had been deceiving myself; I had overestimated myself. Because no, I was still not capable of having a personal conversation without sooner or later blowing up. At least when my weaknesses were in the foreground.

As soon as Jace pulled himself together, he clenched his fingers into fists. "When you wanted to sacrifice yourself for Isabelle today, did you think about me for even a second?" he asked through clenched teeth.

Something told me to think carefully about what I was going to say next. I tilted my head, scanning Jace more closely while I took my time to answer. "It happened too fast to even think about anything. I acted on instinct. That's what I was trained to do."

"You weren't trained to save other people's lives."

"If it wasn't for me, Isabelle wouldn't have been in danger in the first place. It was my duty to remind Ithuriel of that. What are you getting at, Jace?"

"My point is that you could have died today. There was a chance that Isabelle would have had to tell me you were dead. A chance that you would have sacrificed yourself for her and I would have lost you before the war even started. Do you even know what it did to me, hearing you giggle about how you almost died up there? Hearing that you would have died without batting an eyelid, without even thinking about me?"

Jace didn't look at me when he spoke. No. He stared past me, out the window. His gaze was so steely, so full of emotion, that I couldn't tell what he was feeling. Too much. A mixture of many things.

I replayed the scenes in Heaven in my mind. There had been no time to think about him. I had acted in Isabelle's best interests, in the interests of the Nephilim and the conflict with my father. "Would you have acted differently in my place? If Ithuriel had really killed her – and I believed he would – would you not have defended Isabelle? If you had known that you had a chance to change his mind."

"I don't know, I wasn't there," Jace shot back, as if he had already played through this argument in his head. "Isabelle is my sister. She's one of the most important people in my life. This isn't a decision to be taken lightly, I know that. But as irrational and terrible as it may sound, if I had to choose between you two, then–"

"This isn't about who you would choose!" I hissed, pressing the cool backs of my hands to my eyes. "This is about what is right. My actions were right."

"Only for the greater good. Not for me. Not for you." Jace's growl made the room vibrate. "I'm not a hero. I wouldn't sacrifice myself for the world if our separation were the consequence. I don't understand why you want to be a hero. Most of this world hates you, Clary."

Now it was me who recoiled from his words. "I am no hero. This wasn't about the world, it was about Isabelle. About my friend. Your sister."

"Do you think I'm not grateful for what you've done? I am. But who's to say that next time, if it's not Isabelle or Adam or myself, you won't throw yourself in the path of an angel or knife or demon? This is about your behavior patterns. You have a tendency to want to save the people around you, whether they deserve it or not!"

"But that's exactly the point!" I cried, tearing my hands away from my face. My eyes met Jace's. He didn't even try to hide the seething mix of despair and anger. "This is all my father's work. The demons at the country house, Jonathan's knife and also our visit to Ithuriel. I can't allow more people to die because of my family."

"None of this is your fault! You are not responsible for your family, Clary!"

"How am I supposed to live with my family running around free, slaughtering innocents?" I widened my eyes in response, forcing myself not to blink. Because as soon as the darkness enveloped me, even for a split second, I would see the demon's face again – the piles of dead, Jace and the others hanging on crosses.

"And what if luck isn't on your side one day?" Jace challenged, his tone both accusatory and defiant. "What if this behavior costs you your own life? And before you say anything, no. Just no. You wouldn't have done everything in your power. How am I supposed to live with your death? I can't live without you. Every time I thought I could, the universe convinced me otherwise."

I couldn't bear Jace's feverish gaze any longer. My tongue felt empty and dry, and my mind suddenly crackled with static. Jace moved forward, stopping halfway between the wardrobe and the bed, as if rooted to the spot. "I beg you, just for a minute, to put yourself in my place. A life without you makes no sense to me. I don't want to take a single breath in a world where you're no longer here. That's what love means to me."

I did as he asked. I closed my eyes, conveniently pushing away the tears that threatened to form, and imagined if it had been the other way around today. Just the thought of a world where Jace didn't exist was ... unimaginable. A world without his arrogant grin, without his sarcastic remarks, without his warmth next to mine. In that fatal second, it suddenly became clear how quickly I had grown used to him. How swiftly he had nestled into my heart and how world-shattering it would be if I lost him. Because he was right, I didn't know if I could handle it. Not after everything I had already lost.

"Are you accusing me of not loving you as much as you love me?" I asked bluntly, and this time I let the tears fall. I was too much of a coward to confront Jace directly.

Above me, I heard Jace shake his head. Some metal parts of his gear jingled as he did. "It's not an accusation. I'm not demanding that you love me as much as I love you." But contrary to his words, his tone sent such a chill down my spine that the room around me began to spin.

"But?" My breath caught in my throat.

"It's different knowing that your partner would actively throw herself into death than knowing that death will inevitably come to her. I can't and won't live with the fear that your guilt could kill you. It would kill me too. I ..." Now he struggled in a raspy voice, as if every syllable pained him. "I don't know if we are a good idea, if I have to constantly fear that you'll sacrifice yourself for others just to repay some imagined debt of your family. You are Clarissa Morgenstern, not Valentine or Jonathan Morgenstern. You bear no guilt, and it's time you accepted that. Because they will never stop killing."

In other words: If you don't accept it, we can't be together.

Of all the things I had expected today, this statement was even lower on my list than finding the location of the Mortal Mirror or getting a Parabatai.

My heart sank so deep that it felt like I didn't have one anymore. Suddenly, the room was devoid of air, as if someone had sucked out all the oxygen. My senses lost all their intensity — colors faded, smells became dull, my ears pounded.

"I don't want to dictate how you live your life," Jace continued quietly when I didn't respond. "I don't want to back you into a corner. I just want you to know how I feel. I just want you to understand the fear that's eating me alive."

The world or Jace.

My cheeks burned. My sweat glands suddenly didn't know what to do with all the heat rushing through me like a tongue of Heavenly Fire. While I was still processing his words, my survival instinct took over. With a snap of the fingers, I was on standby, able to perceive only from afar what was happening right in front of my eyes.

"Thank you for your honesty." Mechanically, my vocal cords tightened, my lips parted. "I understand how you feel. However, I think it would be better if we continued this conversation tomorrow. I'm not in my right mind at the moment."

Apparently, I could handle social conversations after all. Or only when I was in retreat. Or because the defeat was so clear that there was no other way out. I was still a coward. Avoiding the elephant in the room was not conflict resolution.

"Of course." Jace's forced politeness sounded as stiff as I felt. He leaned down and pressed a fleeting kiss on my cheek, which felt suspiciously like a goodbye. "I'm sorry."

"No, I am sorry," I whispered with a tightened throat.

-

A beautiful and a difficult conversation. Clary and Isabelle become Parabatai! Could you guess? I knew early on that this was what would happen for Clary, but for a long time it was a matter of choosing between Adam and Isabelle. Adam is my own character and when I started this FF all those years ago, I didn't really know what to do with him. That's what happens when you start writing wildly without planning and then a few years later you feel like finishing the story again haha.

Jace, on the other hand... What do you think of his confession? Can you understand his feelings towards Clary? He only wants the best for her, wants to keep her as far away from death as possible. But do you think he's exaggerating?

I would be very happy to receive a comment! :)

Best wishes

Skyllen