Chapter 74 – Relationships Pt. 1

--- 2 days before the start of the war. ---

Dim sunlight caressed my closed eyelids. Flickering shadows played tricks on my brain. I ignored the rising sun streaming in through my open window and continued to keep my eyes tightly closed. As soon as I realized that my surroundings had distracted me, I returned my attention to my breathing. To the steady rise and fall of my chest and the cool oxygen that found its way through my nose into my lungs and left them again in a warm rush. I began to count the breaths again.

One, two. One, two. One, two. One,–

A deep, dissatisfied grumble distracted me, and I had to stop myself from sighing. I had no illusions that it would make sense to start counting again. He sounded bored. Impatient. And already now. And this was still the easy part.

"I can't do this," Jace grumbled, and from the way the mattress sagged beneath us, he must have started moving. A moment later, one of his fingers brushed against my knee, tracing a line across my intertwined shins.

"That's because you don't want to," I replied, blindly hitting at his finger.

Jace was of course faster than me and pulled his hand out of my reach. "That's not true." You could hear his grin. "We haven't even started yet. All we're doing here is sitting around with our eyes closed and killing our precious time. I almost feel like a Silent Brother."

"For a Silent Brother, you have awfully lot to say," I quietly whispered to myself and finally opened my eyes. Jace smiled at me and immediately moved closer. "It's called meditation, Jace," I said more clearly. "The whole point of meditation is to detach yourself from the world and focus only on your body and mind."

"I liked your method from yesterday much better," he murmured in my ear. His breath stirred some of my hair. I wanted to raise my hand to tuck it behind my ear because the touch tickled my skin. Jace seemed to have other plans. He seemed to anticipate my action and caught it without shifting his focus from me.

"Jace." What was meant to be a warning sounded breathless to my own ears. The smirk that graced his face as it moved from the side to the center of my vision confirmed my fears. Why did he have this effect on me?

Jace's eyes found mine and I was unable to tear myself away from his gaze. The sun's rays that shone into my room cast a blinding light on the right side of his face, making the gold of his irises shine the color of liquid honey. The sight of him stole the last of the oxygen from my lungs, nearly suffocating me in response – in that one way that I would want to die over and over again just to see that image of him in front of me.

For a moment, time stood still. A flock of birds chirped somewhere in the distance, while an almost warm morning breeze blew through the window. The aroma of spring was so strong in the air today that hope shot through my veins like a drug. The sun wrapped its sparkling arms around Jace's body. His attention rested solely on me. His smile was so wide, so carefree, so content, that I could have burst into tears right then and there. He leaned toward me and kissed me. Just like that. Because he could. Because he wanted to. A short, fleeting kiss. Because he assumed he would have the opportunity for more, deeper kisses.

As soon as I wished I could stay in that moment forever, it was already over.

Jace squinted against the bright sun and returned to his starting position. "You're right," he said, a touch more serious and completely oblivious to what had just popped into my head. "I should try harder. I'll concentrate from now on, I promise." To make his intention clear, he folded his arms behind his back and closed his eyelids.

Now that he wasn't watching, I allowed myself to give him that nostalgic, longing look. An overwhelming feeling that shook me to my core.

All of them, whispered the demon's voice in memory. Erchomai, I am coming.

When this is over, we will have a life full of these moments, I silently promised him in return.

Then I closed my eyes and fell into the same stillness that had already come over Jace. I needed a few minutes of silence to regain my inner peace. I began to count my breaths again.

One, two. One, two. One, two.

My chest rose and fell and I listened to the sound of oxygen flowing out of my nose and then back in again a few seconds later. I let myself fall into the darkness that had opened up in my center. The darkness that on other days, when I called my angel power to life, turned into a warm, luminous glow. A light that I could see even with my eyes closed because it was only happening in my body.

Eventually – my concentration was so sharp that it almost felt like a state of semi-consciousness – I turned my attention away from my breathing. It had taken me years to learn this state. Sweat and tears and despair because I had never been able to sit still. Very different from Jonathan, who had found meditation so easy, as if he had never done anything else. At least until the day he had lost all trace of this focus because calm had suddenly been beyond his reach. Because demons knew no calm. I had never thought that one day I would surpass him in spirit.

I was so deep in my own body that the surface felt far away. Here, in the core of my consciousness, I was able to split my thoughts. I could think of Jonathan without losing my focus. Because unlike up there, down here I was in control. Emotions didn't find their way here. The door to this place was firmly shut. So I mentally reached out and held my fingers over the darkness, trying to feel its edges.

"Are you still paying attention to your breathing?" I felt my lips say. Child's play. But my voice lacked the emotions that I couldn't access from here.

"Yes," was the simple answer. Jace sounded calmer than I expected.

"Do you feel the power? Is it there?"

"Yes, in the background. Like a slight warmth under the skin. Like the hole, but weaker."

"Can you reach for it?"

It took Jace a moment to answer, and when he did, he sounded less focused than he had just been. "No. It's just a feeling, nothing tangible."

"Does the heat move with your breathing?"

"No."

"Imagine the hole in your mind's eye. As clearly as you can," I told him, looking at the darkness as I spoke, my hands resting on the edges. "What does it look like?"

Jace struggled to find the words. "It ... it looks like a faint light. I can barely see it."

"What do you feel when you look at it?"

"Nothing," he admitted, sounding surprised at the realization. "It's too far away."

That was good. No anger. Until now. He had to get his hands on the power somehow. "Now imagine yourself approaching the light. You approach the light and it gets brighter. When you feel like you're standing right in front of it, try to touch it."

Jace groaned. "That's ... impossible. It doesn't want to come any closer."

"The light doesn't want anything. You want. The light does what you want. So if you can't get closer, command it to come closer to you."

"It's not that easy." A sigh escaped his lips and his voice dripped with exhaustion, as if this mental game had cost him actual effort. "It's not working."

"Don't get upset and concentrate on your breathing again," I ordered, calm and determined. This was the right way. I was sure of that much, despite my physical absence. "It's completely normal that it doesn't work right away." I gave him a few minutes before I continued. "Now direct your concentration back to the light. Is it still there?"

"Yes, but just as weak as before."

"Think of the heat that comes from the light. Compare it to the heat in the rest of your body. Imagine that this heat belongs to just one more muscle. A muscle that is completely under your control."

A long silence followed, accompanied by Jace's shallow breathing, a rhythm so fast you could count the seconds by it. A deep, tight hum was the only answer I got.

"Now move the muscle. Like your abdominal muscle, which contracts when you breathe. Or your arm when you stretch it out."

I got a reaction quicker than I thought. A gasp of surprise. So surprised that it almost sounded taken aback. I reacted immediately. "Hold it tight! Move the muscle very slowly! A controlled movement. You know exactly what you are doing and how you want to move it. You imagine it as precisely as possible."

"The light," Jace murmured hoarsely. "It's right in front of me. It's so bright I can barely look at it."

"Reach out for it. Slowly." I waited a moment, listening to the silence. My fingers still curled around the edges of the darkness. There was nothing to summon in the center because I had not summoned the power. "Look for the edge of the light. Try to catch it in your hands. All the light must be between your arms."

My far-off eyelids were closed. But as the warmth imploded like a jet of flame before me, the light forced its way into every corner of my body. This time it was me who gasped in surprise – from the heat. A heat that suddenly seemed to take over everything. Like his very own sun, beginning to split in his chest. It expanded, burned through my skin and swallowed me in a split second.

The darkness vanished from my mind's eye in an instant. The security of my core shattered with the volume of a scream as my consciousness pushed me over its threshold and I was dragged upwards. As if someone had wrapped a metal chain around my wrist and was now pulling it upwards with all their strength and speed. I couldn't breathe because the cool lake at the bottom of which I was standing had begun to boil. With a jolt I was back in my body. The shock that rushed through my limbs catapulted me over the edge of the bed. The world spun and I slammed onto the floor.

I snapped my eyes open, trying to catch my breath, but Jace's heat had sucked the oxygen from the room. Dazed and foggy, I tried to regain my bearings and get to my feet, but my mind had not yet adjusted to being in control of my muscles again.

Jace opened his eyes and observed at me. His irises glowed the color of the stars, so dazzling that I couldn't hold his gaze. For a moment there was no emotion in his features. He looked like a statue come to life, not knowing what to do with this life. Then he blinked and reached out his arm to me. The intensity of the light in his eyes faded instantly – it didn't disappear, no, it just grew weaker.

He jumped to his feet, but his body seemed to be shaken by a violent tremor, as if someone had given him an electric shock. A split second later he was lying on the carpet next to me. A groan erupted from him as his shoulder collided with the floor. I, who could not remember ever seeing him so vulnerable, jerked backwards as if someone had just struck me.

"Jace?" The question was like an exclamation and I forced myself into a sitting position to get a better look at him.

To my surprise, Jace had already planted his arms on the ground and sat up. He turned to me, an exhausted but triumphant grin on his lips. "Apparently my mere presence is enough to make you fall over," he said breathlessly. Still, he managed to sound cocky. "Close your mouth, or you might choke on my beauty."

"You are ... unbelievable," I stammered, taken aback, and hit him half-heartedly.

Jace's grin grew and he easily avoided my hand. There was a wave of silence that neither of us could break out of. We stared at each other, thinking back to the past moments. Finally, he managed to open his mouth. "I did it," he said, his words carrying a hint of astonishment. As he continued, excitement mixed into his tone. "I was able to hold onto the power, I was able to control it! At least for a few seconds, but that's better than nothing!"

I couldn't help but smile when I saw his joy. "Tell me everything!"

We stayed where we were – crouched on the ground, sitting a few inches apart, facing each other, eyes wide. Jace puffed out his chest proudly, as if he had just climbed the highest mountain in the world. And in a way, that's exactly what he had done. "The anger isn't the key," he gushed, unstoppable. "It never was. It was just ... like the symptom of an illness that hasn't been properly diagnosed yet. Once I was fully focused, it was almost easy! It was like an instinct, and even though your words guided me, deep in my chest I still knew what to do. As soon as I reached for the power, I could feel its full extent. Its urge to step out of me, to escape. As if my human body wasn't made to carry this heavenly energy. And then I let go. Just like in the training hall or the interrogation room or yesterday in the forest. But unlike before, I was in complete control. Even though I let go of the power, I was able to control it. Like ... a horse whose reins you hold very loosely, but you can still control it in an emergency."

Jace looked like he wanted to say more, but his eyelids fluttered as if they were about to close. I had been so focused on his words and euphoria that it was only now that I looked at him more closely. He looked tired. Not just tired, but completely drained.

"That sounds wonderful," I whispered, brushing a few strands of matted hair from his forehead. His skin felt too warm under my fingertips. It was damp with sweat, as if he had just completed hours of physical training. "How are you feeling, Jace?"

"Fantastic!" he replied, and with the next breath he had his arms around my shoulders and pulled me close to him. I slammed into his chest and all I felt was the overwhelming warmth and wetness of his clothes. I stifled my gasp and returned his embrace. Below my ear his heart thumped a frantic rhythm. "I can still feel the power. More clearly now than before. I think my senses have become more acute because of it, because I've finally learned how to access it. Maybe it will be easier for me to use it next time."

"I can't describe how proud and relieved I am," I said, pressing my cheek to his collarbone. My nose, nestled in the crook of his neck, took in that unfamiliar scent of warm exertion. The nerve endings in my body began to tingle in response. For a brief, stolen moment, I squeezed my eyelids shut and sank into the bubble of calm. "Your heart is racing."

"I ... I feel like I'll sleep through the rest of the day if I close my eyes for too long," he murmured in my ear, his voice hoarse with exhaustion.

"Do you think you can control the amount of power you want to use?"

Jace nodded briefly, the tips of his hair tickling my ear as he moved. "If I had known it would make me so tired, I wouldn't have used all that strength. But it was so easy to grab it that I could hardly resist."

"That's good," I replied, running my fingers down his neck, along his spine. I leaned back to raise my head and meet his gaze. But Jace had already closed his eyes, his body heavy against mine. "You should rest."

That seemed to pull him back to the present. He squinted against the sunlight and looked down at me with a strange expression in his soft pupils. Jace shook himself and, since his arms were around me, I shook too. He looked around the room, searching for a clock. "You know there's no time for that."

The short-lived feeling of peace faded, giving way to the horror I had been trying so hard to push away. Jace was right. We didn't have time, no, it was practically running away from us. This day, early in the morning as it was, had to produce results. We had already achieved one result, and while it stoked the flame of hope in my heart, we needed more. More, so much more, to turn that hope into a real prospect.

It took a lot of willpower not to close my eyes for another stolen moment and lean against Jace. He was so close to me it would have been child's play. Instead, I put distance between us, pushing away from him to stand. Jace followed suit, but had to hold onto the bed frame to do so.

I fumbled for my stele and gestured for him to hold out his arm. "The wakefulness rune should help."

"Thank you," Jace sighed as soon as the deep black rune on his skin took effect. Even if it only postponed his tiredness. But as long as he got enough sleep tonight, that shouldn't be a problem.

Now that he was back to full strength, there was no reason to put off our duties. While Jace headed to the Gard to find Alec, I only had to change floors to find Isabelle. I was glad that I was spared another visit to the Silent Brothers. In comparison, a trip to the great library in Alicante seemed more than harmless.

When I burst into Isabelle's room after a brief knock, she was already sitting in front of her mirror, fully dressed. "You're already awake," I said in greeting and fell onto her bed.

Isabelle didn't look up when I came in, but was completely absorbed in a bundle of hair in her hands. She just hummed in acknowledgement, and I watched her nimble fingers slide back and forth between the strands of hair as she braided them together.

Her room was identical in layout to mine, but the furnishings couldn't have been more different. Three of the four walls had been painted light gray – not that boring, dreary gray, but a harmonious yet striking chrome gray. The remaining wall, which bordered the right side of the room, stood out as clearly as the night sky in broad daylight. Midnight black and sparkling, as if Isabelle had embedded thousands of tiny glitter particles into the wall, which now refracted the sunlight and gave the impression of standing in the middle of a starry sky. Most of the wall was taken up by her enormous four-poster bed, whose ebony structure almost made it merge with it. Except for the star wall, every other wall was decorated with silver daggers and swords. Even the handles of her wardrobe had once been sword hilts – but now antique and worn.

Isabelle's attention to detail was obvious as soon as you let your eyes wander over her figure. Her room could have sprung from the lair of a villain – a villain with style and a sense of fashion. And all this despite the fact that she had only lived in Alicante for a few months of her life, not much longer than me. How might her room in New York look then?

After a while, Isabelle turned to me. Her face was now framed by two long, thin braids. The rest of her hair fell over her shoulders as usual. Straight and so black that you would think you were looking at the reflective surface of a motionless lake at night.

A theatrical groan escaped her lips. In a dramatic scene, she held the back of her hand to her forehead as if she were about to faint at any moment. "First you force me to get up so early and then I have to spend that time in a library. What are you doing to me, Clary?"

I rolled my eyes and turned onto my back. "Books are so scary. I'm already trembling with fear."

Isabelle shook herself as if the thought of books gave her goosebumps, and her fine braids swayed in response. "I hope we find something," she snorted, slowly getting up from her dressing table. "Otherwise, I won't be able to say that this visit has brought us any closer to saving the world. And that would really be a waste of time."

The grin that followed her words disappeared as soon as we finally stood in the library. I had already been here once, many weeks ago, shortly after my arrival in Alicante. Back then, too, I had fought my way through the oldest stories of our people. On the trail of Jonathan Shadowhunter, to find out more about my angel blood. Now, as the high double doors closed with a resounding, dull bang, my throat tightened.

The library was huge. All the more impressive if you didn't climb in through a window at night and look at everything from a bird's eye view. From here, at the lowest point of the majestic building that only housed the library, I felt small and insignificant – but above all, unable to ever find what we were looking for in this tangle of books. The fear of failure cast a shadow over the room, as if the sun was blocked by clouds outside the windows.

The library stretched over several floors. Shelf after shelf after shelf of books lined up one after the other. Some old, some even older, some so antique that the faded spines were hanging in tatters. A wide central aisle stretched to the other end of the ground floor. It was lined with well-kept wooden tables that nevertheless looked as if they were hundreds of years old. Dim witch-lights illuminated the rows and in the distance the aisle opened up into a circular formation. Whatever was there, I was not really interested in it for the moment. The existing impressions were already overwhelming me enough. The dry smell of paper and dust was the only inviting of my sensory impressions. And that was only because I had spent a large part of my childhood in a library, albeit one worlds smaller than this one. The extensive library in the Morgenstern estate suddenly seemed puny in comparison.

"No wonder the secret of the Mirror has been lost," was all Isabelle could say grumpily. She grabbed my arm and forced me forward. I hadn't even noticed that I had frozen. "Come on, let's not waste any time."

-

Hi guys!

Sorry for my late updating, I sometimes still forget my new update-days. Last week was rather exhausting ...

I'll probably not be posting this Thursday because I'm going to see the one and only Taylor Swift! Yaaaaay! I'll update later, though, probably Saturday.

Please give this chapter a like and comment, since it's the only recognition we authors are getting! :)

Skyllen