Chapter 67 – Half Loss, Half Regret

--- 4 days before the start of the war. ---

This wasn't my bed. My brain was able to figure out that much even when I was half asleep. Of course I knew this wasn't my bed. Despite the sleep that tugged at my muscles like a cradle of calm and enveloped me in a gentle sense of security, I could still barely remember how I had ended up here. Not that I particularly cared. Not now, at least, when my consciousness was slumbering somewhere in the background and was rather absent.

My body turned sideways, away from the meager sunlight streaming in through the half-closed windows – turned toward the wall to escape back into the darkness. Someone behind me moved; almost in sync with me. I barely noticed the arm wrapped around my middle. There were only short snippets of perceptions that arrived in my brain. The most necessary sensory impressions and even those could only penetrate to me with difficulty.

I had slept for a long time. Long enough for me to be fully rested again. Perhaps that would have been the case if I had been in my own bed. But here, with the warmth so overwhelming and my nose surrounded by familiar, comforting smells, my muscles managed, for the first time in ages, to see sleep as more than just a necessity.

I had almost completely drifted back into semiconsciousness state when suddenly someone knocked forcefully on the door. And just like that, my body jerked beneath me, while my soul tried to shrink into my center for a brief moment and withdraw from all of my muscles into my heart. A wave of goosebumps rushed over me and then I was awake.

Jace next to me didn't move as I slowly and weakly turned around again. I squinted to adjust to the sunlight and pulled the blanket higher over my face. Jace's eyelids were closed and his breathing was even. But frustration showed on his features. Frustration, the lines of which deepened as another wave of knocking followed. Finally he opened his eyelids and our eyes met.

The memory of how I had gotten here became clearer. Jace's lips lost some of their tension and his arm around my waist tightened. I felt so safe that I had my eyes half closed again. I had taken a shower yesterday after the kiss and had changed my clothes. And then I had come here, to him, just to lie on his bed with him for hours, entwined in each other, without saying a single word. At some point I had probably fallen asleep. And him too. The image in my mind warmed my heart, made my stomach do somersaults, and my fingers tingle with a whole new anticipation.

Jace absently lifted his arm from my waist and gently brushed my hair out of my face. He lay on his side, facing away from the door, passion glittering in his sleepy, golden irises. Different than yesterday. Without the urge to pursue it. The fact that I was lying here with him was enough; made him happy. I felt like I was the happiest person in the entire city and I couldn't explain or place that emotion. This was new – because I hadn't allowed myself to explore these emotions until yesterday.

We were caught in each other's eyes and once again, I surrendered to the sleepy security that surrounded me. My head was resting on his other arm and it would have been so easy to close my eyelids again, lean forward and feel his warmth against my body. I didn't want anything else. For that one moment, for those seconds, I forgot everything else. Any fear. Any panic. Any duty.

Then Isabelle's irritated voice boomed through the door and my bubble burst with a jerk. "Jace! I warned you! I'm coming in now!" The door crashed open and Jace's arm tightened around me as I flinched again. A barely audible sigh escaped his lips, and he rolled his eyes wearily.

Isabelle stalked into the room, heading straight for the bed. "By the Angel, Jace, it's almost lunchtime and you're still asleep?" she scolded in her imperious tone. "I can't find Clary anywhere, I've been looking for her everywhere and–" Whatever she was going to say got stuck in her throat when she got close enough to the bed and spotted my head of red hair behind Jace's body, which had apparently hidden it from a distance. A high gasp of surprise escaped her and her boots squeaked to a halt on the floor. "By the Angel."

Jace sighed again, this time with a hint of theatricality. His eyes were still on me, as mine were on him. Then he turned away from me towards Isabelle, holding the blanket with one hand to keep it from slipping. Not that there was anything to see underneath. When it had become clear that I wouldn't be returning to my own room, Jace had offered me one of his oversized shirts last night. And he wore one himself.

"Calm down Izzy, nothing happened," Jace said, his voice rough from sleep.

"Doesn't look like nothing," Isabelle shot back accusingly. I peered past Jace's shoulders and found her gaze piercing me. Finally a grin crept onto her lips and she jumped in the air with joy. "Finally, finally, finally! My goodness, and here I was thinking you'd never get going!"

"Can I help you in any way, or is it just your life's mission to disrupt the peace of others?" Jace's question seemed to put a damper on her euphoria.

"Just for your information, Clary was my friend first, so I have priority." Isabelle gave him a smug, sharp smile. When she shifted her attention back to me, the exuberance of her mood finally disappeared completely. Annoyed, she put a hand on her hip and forcefully let the air escape her nose. "Adam. He's downstairs. I tried to brush him off, but no matter what I threaten him with, he refuses to leave. He wants to talk to you, Clary."

I thought my bubble had already burst. That was nothing compared to the feeling that was pressing me down into the bed right now. All the anger, all the shame wrapped like claws around my joints and made me fall backwards into the pillows. Beside me, Jace stiffened. It was noticeable how the atmosphere in the room changed. There was silence for a moment.

At some point I nodded. "Tell him I'm coming down." I closed my eyes and swallowed. I had to get this over with. Once and for all. Although Adam had been sentenced, the chasm that had opened between us after the truth had come out had to be removed. We had to sort this out. This chapter had to end, and soon.

I didn't notice Isabelle leave the room. For a while I just stared at the ceiling; only subconsciously noticed Jace's deep breathing. Until he rolled toward me, his arm sliding over my stomach and he pulled me against his chest. There was no shyness in his gesture, no reserve. As if he had waited long enough for this. My eyes darted to his face, which loomed next to mine.

"You don't have to do this," Jace murmured, nudging my cheek with his nose. His fingers had found their way under the shirt and were drawing circles on my skin. "We can stay here. Just lie here and pretend he doesn't exist. That wouldn't be difficult for me at all."

"I won't be able to put off this conversation forever. I have to end this." My voice sounded hollow and whispery, like I was having trouble speaking. It surprised me how easy it was for my subconscious to reveal my feelings in front of Jace. The usual urge to put on a tough facade that I felt with everyone else had faded away with him.

Jace's lips pressed against my cheek. His hot breath against my skin made it hard to focus. By the time he pushed himself up on his left arm to lean over me, I had already forgotten about Adam. Jace's golden hair fell across his forehead and my hands twitched, wanting to brush it away. He kissed me. As intimately as if he were drowning. And when he let go of me, he seemed more breathless than before.

"If necessary." I heard the reluctance in his tone. The hard to hide resentment. The endless rage. The distant jealousy that I hadn't been able to identify before, but recognized as such after yesterday. "Let's go down and drive Adam away."

It didn't take us long to get ready. I wanted to get this over with as quickly as possible. I slipped on my pants, combed my hair, and hurried down the stairs to the ground floor, Jace close on my heels. The door was angled and Isabelle, who had been leaning against the massive wooden cupboard, pushed herself away from it and disappeared into the kitchen with a grimace. I reached for the doorknob and let the oxygen rush through my lungs one last time. The sunlight from the midday sun blinded me and I squinted. Then Adam appeared before my eyes.

He had changed significantly since yesterday. No sign of the injured, sickly young man from yesterday. In front of me stood the Adam I knew. At least at first glance. His shoulders were hunched forward in a hopeless posture and the expression in his forest green irises seemed distant, vulnerable.

The swinging of the door caught his attention and his pupils rose to my face. Several emotions flashed across his eyes. Relief. Nervousness. Fear. A shaky breath came from Adam's throat as he turned fully to face us, and he forced a smile onto his lips.

The first thing I wondered was how much of his performance was an act. I wanted to be angry at the thought, but reminded myself how valid it was. After everything Adam had done, I had every reason to distrust him. A desperate part of me wanted to shake it off, wanted to forget what had happened. But I had pride. Pride and honor and a heart. Adam had broken my heart. Not like a lover ever could. The way only a friend could. And I would argue that such a wound may have gone deeper. Deeper on other levels. That made it bad in its own perfidious way. And I wasn't good at forgiving.

"Clary." Adam tried to sound neutral and polite. One of the few times he failed. Anxiety and depression had crept into his tone.

"Hello, Adam," I managed, failing myself. Reserved, I folded my hands in front of my body. I had to fold them, otherwise they would betray my restlessness.

Adam looked at me cautiously and I had the intuitive feeling that he would start smiling at any moment. I didn't know what it was or why I was expecting it. Maybe it was an old relic of our friendship because I was familiar with him and his facial expressions. But the smile didn't come. Instead, his lips curled down as his eyes moved past me to Jace, who was standing in the doorway behind me.

"I would like to talk to you in private," he said quietly to me, without acknowledging Jace any further.

I couldn't see Jace behind me, only felt his presence. It was enough to notice the shift in his emotions. I took a step to the side to turn around, but Jace moved forward, past me and toward Adam. Smooth like a dancer. Quiet like a cat. Precise like a machine as he hit Adam in the face with the full force of his fist.

A startled sound escaped my lips. It was the surprise, not the dismay. Although I should have known. Jace had been waiting for days to take out his frustration on someone. And after everything Adam had been involved in ...

Adam's jaw was thrown to the side and he staggered backwards with a groan. He couldn't have fully recovered yet because he stumbled and lost his balance. A blink of an eye later he was lying on the stone walkway that connected the property and street, his clothes damp from melting snow.

Jace loomed over Adam, a menacing look in his merciless golden eyes. "That was for what Blake did to her," he stated clearly – seriously and forcefully. "For what you should have prevented. I won't leave you alone with her. Never again, you disgusting coward. And know that you deserve much worse."

Blood flowed from Adam's nose, dripping into the slushy snow. And for a moment, Blake Ashdown's estate was all I could see before my eyes. Until Adam let out a growl that catapulted me back to the present. Anger, hateful and vehement, flashed across his features as he fixed his gaze on Jace. The next moment he was up and throwing himself at Jace.

Jace, apparently not expecting Adam to retaliate, staggered back a few steps and tried to free himself from Adam, who was trying to wrestle him to the ground. I dove forward, clutching Adam's left upper arm and throwing him back.

"Enough with this theater," I hissed, pressing a hand to Jace's chest to push him into the hallway of the house. I forced myself between the two boys and held Adam with my gaze. "I don't think I have to explain to you that it's not easy for me to trust you enough to want to be alone with you. Whatever you have to say, say it here and now."

Adam seemed to weigh my words. His attention was on me with such intensity that I didn't move an inch. I felt like he was studying me. As if I was the one who had to prove myself here. But when he spoke there was no trace of it. "I know I've made huge mistakes. I abused your trust and handed you over to Blake. I betrayed you. I ... I'm so confused. I am who I am, but I want out of my body. For so long I've felt like I was playing a false game ... fooling everyone. I've followed Blake for so long, my entire life, that I felt like I had no other choice but to follow him. Until you came into my life, I didn't see a way out for myself. Yes, I was a spy for Blake and his people. But I didn't like doing it. It took me too long to realize how wrong I was about my ideals. Even now I'm not perfect, but I want to change, I don't want to be who you think I am. I know I can be better, but I can't do it alone."

The look Adam gave me was steeped in desperation. As if I were his last line of life, separating him from destruction. Something in my chest broke at the sight. I was only partially successful in telling my Adam and the new Adam apart; not to mix them.

"You are a murderer, Adam. You murdered innocent Shadowworlders. Slaughtered them. There is nothing excusing that."

"I stopped accompanying the others on these missions years ago. I was young and damn stupid. Everyone around me convinced me it was the right thing to do. I don't have sympathy for the Downworlders, that's true, but I regret what I've done to them. Even if you don't believe me, I'm not the same person I was back then."

"That is not an excuse," I muttered, staring past him to the open iron gates of the estate. As if Adam subconsciously already expected to be rejected.

"Is it not? I've paid my penance. I carry my guilt with me every day. I know I'm a murderer. Do you think I'm proud of that?" Adam didn't look proud. Adam didn't look like someone who had it in him to kill Shadowworlders. To kill anyone innocent. Oh, how much I had misjudged him.

But who was I to judge him? Hadn't I made myself a murderer just the day before yesterday? Not that any of them had been innocent. But as the Clave itself had decided, I hadn't killed Blake Ashdown in self-defense.

But if we lived in an equal Shadow World, then Adam would have never gotten away so unscathed. Yet my judgment wouldn't have changed. So, we weren't the same kind of murderer.

"You betrayed me, Adam. You lied to me. You have done so many unforgivable things. Things that almost took my life. You allowed them to hand me over to my father. You might as well have killed me yourself." I couldn't keep the pain out of my voice.

"And I regret every single second of these actions. I regret being part of Blake's group. I regret not protecting you from him. I regret turning you in. Please believe me that I would like to undo everything. I would reset the clock and do everything differently if I could. I know I don't deserve your friendship, but I despair at the thought of losing you. I wish I had realized it sooner, but I was blinded by my loyalty to Blake. I forgot the difference between right and wrong quite a long time ago. I don't know if I can do it again on my own. I need you. I know that sounds selfish. It is. But it's the truth. You are the only, real, honest friendship I've ever had. If I lose this ..." He didn't manage to finish his thought.

I felt like I was going to fall forward at any moment. "How am I ever going to trust you again?" I whispered questioningly and looked Adam in the eyes. My distress was reflected in his pupils. "To a certain extent I understand that you had the worst conditions to grow into a good person. Surrounded by Blake and all his friends. I don't want to know what you did for him. I can imagine what kind of peer pressure that must have been. The interrogations of the others proved this. But despite all your torment ... I can't undo the crack in my trust. I look at you and ... I'm afraid of what you might do to me if I let you into my life again."

"One chance, Clary. One chance." Adam pleaded. He went down on his knees in front of me and when tears suddenly streamed down his cheeks, I couldn't hold back my own. "I gave you this chance when everyone else was against you – when you were the outsider."

"You were my friend because you wanted to spy on me," I blurted out, shaking my head vehemently. "I was wrongly an outsider. You made yourself one."

"I wanted to be your friend. Yes, I was supposed to collect information about you, but I never told them a word. Neither about your powers, nor about the portal or Ithuriel. I always kept my mouth shut. I wanted to be your friend because you were the first person to make me feel like I could be who I am. No constraints, no pressure, no expectations. You showed me a way out that I wanted to take. I just needed more time. Time to put an end to the past. Blake was my only friend before you existed. Letting go of him wasn't easy, even if he wasn't a good person. He still meant something to me."

I swallowed and squeezed my wet eyelids shut. In my mind's eye I saw Jonathan's face. Oh yes, I knew what it was like when you couldn't let go of a bad person. Until today, I hadn't managed to let him go.

"I believed in you when they all despised you. I supported you when they all wanted you dead. Believe it or not, but you mean everything to me. I came back for you. I wanted to save you from Blake, even if you had already saved yourself. Even if you don't return my feelings, I'm still your friend. And friends help each other. Friends forgive each other. Friends are the family that doesn't depend on blood. I would die for you if I had to. I almost died for you. Isn't that proof enough? I would do it again, just please let me be your friend again."

"What now? You want me to forgive you? Better said than done. I need time, I need to heal, I still need to stop my family." Even though it was midday, it seemed like the sky was darkening. As if everything was losing some of its color. Adam was still crouched on the floor in front of me, his eyes fixed on me pleadingly. As if I was the one who could free him from the shackles he had put on himself. He demanded things that I was unable to give even if I wanted to. And part of me wanted to. Part of me could see his dilemma, even understood it. Adam was caught between the two fronts; had been a follower for so long that he had ignored his own development, his own ideals and preferences in order to fit in. Unlike me, Adam wasn't a doer. Adam needed a doer to guide him. Blake had taken that role and abused it. This didn't make Adam innocent, but it also made him a victim.

"Take your time," he said hastily. Desperation was evident in him: He would cling to any straw I offered him. Just like he had probably clung to everything with Blake just so he wouldn't lose that one friendship before I had shown up here. Because Adam was obviously a person who would rather have the wrong friends and bend his ideals than be alone. "Take all the time you need. Focus on your father. But don't forget me. If you still don't believe me, I would repeat everything under a truth rune or Mellartach. And if you need support with anything, let me know." I would do anything, was what Adam didn't say out loud. I blinked and for a moment felt exactly how Blake must have felt all these years.

"I won't forget you, Adam," I promised. It was all I could promise.

oOo

When the door closed again, restoring the physical barrier between Adam and me, neither Jace nor I said anything. I turned to him and leaned against the door, my vision blurry. The tears were still streaming down my face as I stared past him into nothingness, wondering what to do now.

Jace's features were free of judgment, but tense. He had his arms folded across his chest, standing two meters in front of me and studying me with eagle eyes, as if he wanted to grasp my every emotion. He must have felt stupid for hearing all of this. After assuring him yesterday that I felt nothing for Adam and now crying over him, he probably thought I had lied to him. Or he thought me a fool because he considered Adam's words another farce; another play that I should know how to play by now.

I turned away from Jace and looked at the ticking grandfather clock that sat to the right of the stairs. It was already early afternoon. I struggled to wipe the tears from my face and pushed myself away from the door. "I should get ready," I murmured into the silence between us. "Isabelle still wants to go to this party."

I tried to walk past Jace, but he reached out to pull me close. He held me against his chest and stroked my hair. "He was your first friend," he explained quietly so only I would hear. "Adam has placed quite a heavy burden on you. I see it's tearing you apart. I wish I could make this decision for you, but only you can make it."

"What do you think?" I leaned my forehead against his shoulder and he tightened his arms around me. Strangely, our hug reminded me of the ball, when we had been twirling around on the dance floor. I couldn't quantify why.

Jace shrugged and rested his chin on my head. "You already know what I think. You saw what I think. And as much as I'd like to emphasize it, my opinion shouldn't lead you to do anything. I'm here, with you, no matter what. The rest will fall into place as you wish."

"But I don't know what I wish for." I sounded hopeless; I clung to him as if he were a safe rock in the storm. I couldn't help but draw the comparison to Adam – his stares that had pinned me down as if I were that rock for him. The idea that this was true and that I was about to let go made me sick. For just the thought of Jace letting me go made bile rise in my throat. How terrible did Adam have to feel then?

Just look at yourself, chided the harsh, merciless voice in my head. My father's voice. He has got you wrapped around his finger, just needed to speak a few touching words and you forget all the pain you have gone through because of him.

But that's how it would be, wouldn't it? He had hurt me. But just because I didn't forgive him, my pain wouldn't just stop. I would continue to suffer until I found my own way to live with it. Adam's existence didn't undo it, but would his presence complicate it?

"Isn't it obvious what you wish for?" Jace whispered, gently stroking my spine. "You want to undo it. You wish he had realized his mistakes sooner; that he would have chosen you from the start. Blake might have still gone through with his plan, but you would know that Adam had nothing to do with it. Adam would still be your friend."

"We both have the same regrets, he and I."

"What are you planning to do?" another voice chimed in and we turned towards the kitchen. Isabelle leaned in the doorway, her hands on her hips defiantly. "Will you forgive him?"

"I can't even tell if his intentions are truthful," I replied.

"A decision that will take time. You'll have to sleep on it. Probably more than one night. You'll want to weigh all the arguments before you decide. But this is not the right moment for that. We are facing a war. Jonathan is at the door. You can't let Adam distract you." Isabelle brought the reality straight and clear to me.

Jonathan. Erchomai, I am coming.

"You're right," I said, the vulnerability gone from my voice. Adam was one thing, but when it came to pain, there was no one who could match Jonathan. Suddenly I stood a little straighter in Jace's arms, who slowly loosened them. I looked between him and Isabelle. "You're right. Jonathan has priority." His name always had the desired effect. His wound was always deeper. Even if the wounds now seemed to be piling up. But Jonathan always had priority.

"I realize you're feeling miserable, Clary." Isabelle stalked into the hallway and grabbed my hand. "You can't change the current situation. Moping around doesn't do anyone any good. You lose sight of yourself. And that's why you need distraction. You stole the Mortal Sword from Valentine yesterday, remember?" She grinned her cheeky, enthusiastic grin and then pushed me towards the stairs. "You're Clary Morgenstern and Adam can go to hell, just like Jonathan or Valentine. You mustn't forget who you are. You just have to focus on yourself."

"Let me guess," Jace remarked sarcastically. "This party is the perfect place for that."

Isabelle widened her eyes smugly and pointed her index finger at him. "How right you are, dearest brother! I was just about to show Clary what a hot dress I got her. But maybe you want to accompany us upstairs and see for yourself?"

A shocked sound escaped my throat at the same time as Jace's distraught snort. Isabelle's devilish laughter drowned out both of us. She pulled me up the steps as quickly as if we were in a hurry. I turned my head quickly and the last thing I saw before I lost sight of him was the amused, mild look in Jace's eyes that seemed to follow my every move.

-

Sooo what do you think about this chapter? Clary and Jace are on a good way, but Clary and Adam ... Please let me know your thoughts in the comments! :)

Skyllen