Chapter 56 – Is This Friendship

The music around us was a mix of quick steps and long spins, and while I could see the resemblance to some fighting techniques, I didn't have enough practice to play my standout self. Quite the opposite of Jace. A theatrical sigh escaped my lips as he led me through the dancing people in another perfect sequence of steps. The choreography flawless, as if he had danced his whole life.

"You're perfect," I blurted out as he raised one of his blond brows in response. I bit my tongue as the words stumbled out of my mouth. Was that the great effect of the alcohol Adam had raved about?

"Oh, am I?" Jace purred, an endearing grin plastered across his face. "Although I already knew that, of course, it's always nice to hear it."

"Forget it," I murmured, too soft to be carried over the music to him. The corners of his mouth turned up further. He probably read the words on my lips.

We flew across the dance floor, my feet light as the wind beneath me, the people around us nothing but blurry images at the edge of my vision. All of that faded into the background because the center of my attention was focused solely on Jace's face. The liquid gold around his pupils reflected the hall's candles, sparkling dark as amber and bright as the sun itself. The longer I stared at them, the harder it became to focus on anything else. I had no control over my body, not even knowing how my legs moved forward without tripping over each other. All I felt was his hand on my back, his fingers laced with mine, his breath on my skin. Jace was all I could see because his glow was so bright that although it blinded me, it made it impossible for me to look away. With every inch his lips pulled up, I fell deeper into the hypnosis I couldn't and didn't want to break out of. Mesmerized by the light in his eyes.

We turned, faces so close I didn't dare breathe. Too great was the fear that even the slightest breath would bring the house of cards down; that I would wake up from this dream and find myself in my usual world of chaos, pain and death. For deep in my chest, locked away in a cell by the alcohol in my blood, a panicked voice hammered a warning against the cell door. Don't forget who you are. Don't forget what fate awaits you. Don't forget the legacy that rests on your shoulders.

Adam had made sure that voice was barely above a whisper in the back of my head. Easily forgettable. At least for now. So I pushed the storm away from me, dared my chest closer to Jace's and surrendered to the radiance that burned all the fears to dust. As if in response to my thought, Jace tightened his grip on my back, pulling me even closer, and as I began to laugh — a rare, happy laugh — a fulfillment spread across his face that went beyond simple contentment. A genuineness I couldn't place that shone on his face as he let go of my body, only to spin me around once and then hug me even tighter.

Then Jace came to a stop so suddenly that my feet would have stepped out of line if our bodies weren't perfectly in sync. As if I would react automatically when he did. The fear that the bubble would burst sent an unbearable chill through my veins. I sent out my senses, looking around, pricking up my ears, searching for the flaw in the perfection. But there was no mistake, no threat, as my consciousness realized with relief.

It was the music that had changed. The fast, combative rhythm had turned into a slow, more melancholy beat. Jace's head was bowed to me, and uncertainty reflected where that wild fire had just been glowing. When I made no move to pull away from him, the hand that had been holding my fingers traveled down to my waist.

I didn't think. I acted; did exactly what my body wanted. My hands slid up to Jace's neck, my arms wrapped around it, my cheek resting against his shoulder. Like on its own. And Jace answered, without hesitation, pulling me so close that our bodies melted into one on the dance floor for that one moment.

This time I had no trouble following his steps. It was little more than a step back and forth, so simple I could close my eyes and tune out the hall, the crowd, the commotion. Jace didn't smell of the winter or the cold raging outside Accords Hall's gates. The scent of woody-sweet maple and fresh spring wind made me forget who we were, what we would soon have to do. Only the certainty that I was in his arms for that moment seemed relevant to my heart right now. I knew part of me would regret it tomorrow. Not because it didn't originate from my true emotions, but because it would make everything so much more difficult.

The song ended way too quickly. A feeling of foreboding settled in my muscles, as if even now my senses were keeping me alive. And my subconscious was right. Because no sooner had I freed my hands from Jace than Adam appeared beside us, Isabelle in tow. I felt the bubble Jace and I had been floating in burst. Reality rained down on me, not painful but uncomfortable nonetheless. I blinked, and when Jace rubbed his forearms that had just been wrapped around my body, I knew he heard the burst no less loudly than I did.

"How about we swap partners?" Adam asked, exaggerating the politeness in his tone. An exhausting smile on his face. Isabelle looked resigned and there was a silent apology in her dark eyes.

Jace ignored Adam and Isabelle. His attention remained on me, only on me, as if trying to regain the old focus. As if trying to conjure up the old bubble again. Before the second turned into an awkward moment, he stepped back, any warmth now beyond my reach.

I hesitantly took the hand Adam held out to me and automatically compared it to Jace's. Smaller, colder, rougher. Adam didn't seem to want to wait. Isabelle and I traded places and Jace sent me a wink over her shoulder that nearly made me trip. I heard him laugh as Adam positioned us so my back was now to him.

In the dance with Adam, there was none of the lightness that had just flowed through my blood with Jace. It took me half a dance to get used to the new dynamic. The same flawless choreography, but without the graceful panache that Jace imbued with his every move. While Jace let his body do the talking, Adam used his mouth. He joked as he spun me through the crowd and laughed when I couldn't quite keep my balance.

Adam and I were best friends and as such it wasn't difficult for us to turn the dance into something of our own. I found myself slipping into a different kind of trance. The blur at the edge of my vision slowly spread further towards my focus. I didn't mind. Not where my vision was limited anyway, thanks to Adam's fluid, sweeping spins.

Adam's dark green eyes glowed, a genuine, satisfied smile on his face. I couldn't help but smile back. We flew across the dance floor, between the other couples, and I caught a glimpse of Isabelle clinging to Raphael's shoulders, a murderously serene grin framed by crimson lips. I laughed, Adam laughed, and as if sensing our attention, she started laughing too. Raphael must have replaced Jace after the first dance. We turned too fast for me to make him out in the crowd.

At some point, I had lost all sense of time, we too left the dance floor. One second I felt Adam's fingers between mine, the next he was handing me a glass of this pink liquid. We continued to turn to melodies around our own axis and around each other, but this time off the dance floor, surrounded by many other bodies. I had no idea where we were in the hall, somewhere near a drink-counter. All around us were Shadowhunters and Shadowworlders alike. Giggling, dancing, talking. Their pupils wide, drinks in their hands, their breath filled with the artificial sweetness of alcohol. If this was the party Isabelle had organized, then by tomorrow at the latest, heads would be rolling.

I turned to Adam and he smirked at the look in my eyes as if he read my mind. My fingers tentatively gripped his upper arm. My sense of balance had slipped, as had my perception. I didn't feel any dizziness, contrary to what Jace had said. The world spun a little, but steadily enough to keep control. And part of me was begging to relinquish that control; give up my senses. Even if they were all I could count on. There was something deep in my chest that was begging to let go; to forget for once what it was like to have those superhuman reflexes. I wanted to relinquish leadership, no longer wanted to be sucked into my own undoing. For without the powers I possessed, I would have been an ordinary Shadowhunter. I could have lived an ordinary Shadowhunter life. Without fear of more. Without fear of the consequences of this force, this power.

So I took the glasses which Adam passed to me over and over again until I stopped counting. Unlike Jace, who gave me a sense of security and belonging, Adam made me feel like I could step out of my skin. Where there used to be a caring, law-abiding friend, today was an excited, fun-loving young man who just let himself go as much as I did. With every drink, I got more and more the feeling that I wasn't the only one trying to be someone else for today. He behaved just as differently as I did. As if he too wanted to forget, even if I couldn't say what.

Adam introduced me to some of his friends from Toronto, but I forgot their names and faces as soon as their backs were turned on us. Were it not for the copious amounts of alcohol in my system, I would have noticed the twisted smiles they threw at me. Complacent, gloating, knowing. But in the intoxication I noticed nothing.

Later, when the alcohol seemed to be taking over, I stopped drinking. Adam shrugged and drained the glass he was about to give me. "How come you're so sober?" I asked, the syllables of my words stringing oddly together.

Adam looked down at himself. His cheeks twitched as if holding back a grin. "Well, I'm not sober, but I just tolerate more. I'm used to the alcohol." His teeth gleamed in the colorful glow from the stained glass windows.

I'm used to the alcohol. Had I been in my right mind, I would have looked into it. Instead, I grabbed Adam's arm and let him guide me through the crowd. My own feet failed to sustain their service.

The hall had become a glimmer of colour, flickering candles and darkness. My vision was completely distorted. I could barely focus on Adam's features unless I squinted and tried. My chest had turned into a single field of ice. There was a numbness that kept pumping through my veins with every beat of my heart. The longer the effect lasted, the less I felt. Every touch was dull against my skin. Just knowing that I was free from all control kept the smile on my face; let the euphoria rush through my blood hand in hand with the numbness.

Adam didn't seem bothered about having to carry most of my weight. His right arm was wrapped around my shoulders and he held me up with ease. "Where are we going?" I finally asked. So far we had been wandering around the hall more or less randomly, but now Adam headed for the dark corridor that led out into Angel's Square.

Instead of giving me an answer, Adam lowered his chin and eyed me surveying. I couldn't read his expression even though I was close enough. Then, as if he had changed his mind, he released my arm and turned his body completely towards me. A strange, unfamiliar emotion crossed his face. Hesitant, divided, calculating.

I cocked my head and waited for Adam to speak. The thirst for action gave way to seriousness and I returned it with a smile because I got the feeling that he was making fun of me for some reason I couldn't explain.

"I have something to tell you." Something about the way the words rolled off his tongue shook the ignorance's foundation I'd built up over the evening. No problems, this is no place for problems, called a voice, wanting to continue to indulge in carelessness.

"Then say it," I replied instead, remembering that Adam was my friend and I owed him my attention.

I expected Adam to open his mouth again; that he would explain himself. Instead, his body leaned toward me. His hands landed on my collarbones, pulling me towards him. Different than before. This was different. This had nothing to do with friendship. Below me, my muscles suddenly fell silent. My heart started racing. The grin disappeared from my face. So many signals, but Adam didn't seem to get any of them. Or maybe he didn't want to.

Finally, Adam gave a soft sigh and I already hoped that I had only grotesquely misunderstood the whole situation. "I've wanted to address what's between us for a long time," he said, clearing the fog around my head. At least as far as the alcohol allowed.

I wanted to step back, wanted to put some distance between us, but Adam's fingers dug into the fabric of my dress; squeezed my shoulders closer. Then he lifted a hand to my cheek, stroked my cheekbone, looked straight into my wide eyes – staring straight into the warning literally written across my face – and kissed me.

I flinched, so hard our noses smacked, trying to pull away from Adam. "What are you doing?" Adam looked down at me in bewilderment while I just wanted to get his hands off my body.

Somehow I managed to free myself from Adam completely. I jumped back, almost tripping trying to use my shaking feet without his help. In one quick movement, I scanned the surrounding area, only to realize that everything was spinning around me like a carousel; that the figures around me were deformed and out of focus. I wasn't able to make out their features, could only make out colors and shapes. I raised my hands and held them in the air dead still, watching the pair merge into two, the shadows dancing on my skin and the light changing between bright and dim. My senses were unreliable. Exactly how I wanted it. I suddenly realized that Adam must have planned it this way from the start. Suddenly his odd behavior today made sense and I understood why he had wanted to step out of his skin. For this exact moment.

Adam's fingers grabbed my elbow, trying to steady me, but I kept stepping back, jerking my head up to bore my eyes into his. Even if it took all my concentration to see him clearly in front of me. "Don't touch me." A single hiss. "You planned it all. You wanted me to be in this state for the kiss. You wanted ..." Adam met my gaze, emotion mostly gone. There was something else beneath the surface, something that sent chills down my spine. Something inside me broke. So loud I feared to have uttered a sob.

"You wanted to make me obedient," I finally stated and got confirmation when Adam didn't answer. He looked like he was caught in his own rigidity. The question I didn't dare to ask. Obedient for what?

The images of the past few hours rattled through my brain at lightning speed, even if most of them were spongy and out of focus. Obedient for what? For what? Dancing, drinking, his friends, drinking again, dancing again. When I tried to conjure up the faces of his friends, there was nothing but emptiness, but the uncomfortable suspicion was already nesting in my gut. Suddenly another question came to the fore. Where is Blake? He certainly wouldn't miss an evening like this. And yet I hadn't seen him anywhere, though Adam might have avoided him on purpose.

The emptiness in my chest was worse than the night Adam and I had faced each other on the rooftop of Blake Ashdown's house. This was worse. For the foreboding caused the bile to rise in my stomach.

"I have to go." My voice was flat. Calculating. Adam's eyes met mine, and as he reached out to hold me back, realization sparkled there. You are compromised. I know what you're up to.

"You can't go," Adam said. Regretting. But Adam had been an actor from day one. This regret was just his last, pathetic attempt to convince me of his facade. I didn't ask about his motives. My body, drunk or not, acted on the only instinct I knew when Adam's fingers closed around my wrist to keep me close.

"You don't understand. You have to listen to me, Clary."

I raised my chin in the air and the movement alone rocked my world. I didn't let that deter me. I knew Adam didn't falter, didn't move. A searing pain throbbed through my temples as I summoned all my strength to withdraw from his presence one last time. I didn't hesitate, not allowing myself to stop, as I reached out and slapped his face with the palm of my hand. Just like I had with Kadir.

Adam stumbled to the side, yanking more people to the ground, and widened his eyes. Murmurs arose. I didn't wait for what would happen. I turned on my heel and fled. From Adam and the fear that the kiss had just been a distraction for something worse.

oOo

From the moment Jace had faced Clary today, he had known tonight was going to be particularly difficult. They had been so close the last few days without anything really happening between them and that was a good thing. He felt that Clary was stuck in a phase of grief and regret. No doubt the result of Jonathan's surprise visit at the Gard and the fact that she had once again witnessed how little of her brother there was left in the man who bore his name.

But seeing Clary in that sparkling dress today, so off from the role her father had forced her into, made it impossible for Jace to keep a clear head. Or to remember why he had to keep distance from her. So he watched her from afar as she and Adam walked around the room, laughing and obviously enjoying their time. But with every passing minute the need to walk over and just pull her away from Adam grew bigger and bigger. A small, frustrated voice in Jace's head whispered that he should stand there by her side; that he should make her laugh. Not Adam.

After that breathtaking dance with her, the whisper had become a demand. It took Jace every effort to ignore the tingling in his muscles that wanted him to ask Clary for another. The feel of her fingers on his neck, her cheek against his chest, his hands on her waist, made his skin pound. Her body so close to his had loosened a knot in his throat. Her tickling hair under his chin had lifted a weight from his shoulders that he hadn't even been aware of until that moment. It was the first time he'd been able to breathe freely in weeks. As if his lungs hadn't been able to perform part of their function until Clary's presence.

Despite everything, he just watched the chaos unfold before his eyes. Even before the dance, Jace had criticized the drinks Adam kept handing her. He had explained to Clary what was going to happen. She had no idea. Any idiot could see that she had never had a sip of alcohol in her life. She might be a luminary on the battlefield, but that advantage had deprived her of experience in all other spheres of life.

Jace never once lost sight of Clary and Adam as they drank themselves into oblivion. Clary, at least. Adam drank no less than she did, but seemed to take the effect well. Which was strange. With the amount of alcohol even he should have to be shaky on his feet. It stirred up an alarming concern in him.

"They look happy together," Alec remarked beside him, and Jace risked a sideways glance in his Parabatai's direction. He and Magnus Bane had joined him a while ago. Probably to talk or because they were surprised at his passivity. When he hadn't jumped at any of Magnus's baits, they'd fallen into a watchful silence. Jace marveled at the quick friendship that had developed between his best friend and the warlock. He was smart enough not to ask. This wasn't the right time, anyway.

Truth be told, Clary and Adam looked happy. There was a big smile on Clary's face. Different than the smile she'd given Jace on the dance floor earlier. Less present. As if the alcohol had already eaten through every nerve and left only the shell of her body. Jace had never seen her smile like this before, especially not in the past few days. Something in his stomach clenched at the sight. No, Clary wasn't happy. And that was probably why she had drunk so much. To forget. Or at least try to forget.

Adam, on the other hand ... His mood had changed when Clary had stopped accepting his glasses. Jace had known Adam for more than a year and in all his time in New York, he had never seen him like he had in the last few months. Sure, he'd been polite and friendly. But his behavior towards Clary was different. He had wanted to please her from day one; had hidden his shallowness and aloofness from her. And the question that bothered him, and Isabelle too, was why. Jace wanted to affirm that the sight of Clary at Adam's side left him cold. But the opposite was the case. Adam's influence on her bothered him, Adam's closeness to her nagged at him. Since Blake Ashdown had thrown Clary into that dark channel by a hair's breadth, his dislike for Adam had only increased exponentially. Ever since the argument he and Isabelle had with Adam while Clary was fighting for her life in the Basilias. But after Adam had stood guard on Blake's roof in the middle of the night, Jace almost certainly knew something was up. Something that would drag Clary down if no one was paying attention.

That's why Jace didn't take his eyes off Clary and Adam, following their every move. Adam introduced her to his friends. Shadowhunters from Toronto that Jace only knew by sight. Three boys, slightly older than Adam himself. He had already taken a step forward at the privy, sneering looks, but had been held back by Alec. Head shaking, patience in his dark blue eyes. Wait. Let's see where it leads to.

And then, near midnight, he was proven right.

"Poor thing has no idea what this stuff is unleashing," Magnus murmured, referring to the alcohol Clary was showing clearly now, even though she'd stopped drinking a while ago.

Adam had wrapped his arm around her back. Her dress still made Clary look elegant and timeless. Even in her gear she had that effect, but now her movements lacked the smoothness. It didn't look like she could carry her weight on her own. Her wide eyes radiated euphoria, but she didn't really seem to perceive her surroundings.

"Having Valentine lock her away her whole life is going to bring about her downfall," Alec muttered grimly at Magnus, but thanks to the audibility rune, Jace caught the words anyway. Alec was right. A lost youth could not be made up for in one evening. While ordinary Shadowhunters could try for years, Valentine had taken every liberty from Clary and Jonathan to do so. Clary had no idea what freedom was. Even now in Alicante, she was bound by rules thanks to his grandmother. It was no wonder that she tried with all her might to find this freedom elsewhere. Oh yes, this will bring about her downfall.

Adam had changed course. Just a moment ago they had been walking calmly between the Shadowhunters and Underworlders, now his pace suddenly picked up speed. Quick footsteps steered him and Clary towards the exit of Accord Hall. From the other side of the room, the darkness in the corridor leading to the outside doors was almost stifling. Once they got there, Adam would be gone, Jace was suddenly pretty sure. And Clary with him.

Jace's muscles twitched in anticipation of moving toward them. If it weren't for Alec's hand on his shoulder, still holding him back. Wait. Just a little longer.

Clary didn't seem to be as absent as he had thought. She frowned as the exit appeared in front of them and after a brief exchange of words between Adam and her, he suddenly let go of her. The amusement on her delicate face turned to confusion and then, as Adam put his hands on her shoulders and leaned down to her, to panicky uneasiness.

Even from across the hall, Jace could see Clary's body stiffen as Adam pressed his lips to hers. The negation that rippled through her body and was met with ignorance on his part. When Jace moved forward this time, Alec didn't stop him. Seconds later he was making his way through the dancing, giggling people who suddenly receded into the background because he couldn't see anything but Clary and Adam in front of him.

Jace's heart gave an uncomfortable leap when he saw a flash of realization on Clary's face as she looked around and it was obvious that she had lost all sense of direction; that she was at Adam's mercy. They exchanged a few words. Adam grabbed her again, but Clary put more distance between them. A burning fury had found its way onto her face, blazing enough to make Adam stop.

And then, Jace wasn't even halfway across the huge hall, and she lunged out and slapped him in the face with full force. Adam staggered and fell to the ground, taking more people with him. Clary turned and ran, out of Accords Hall. Jace followed without a second thought; without paying any further attention to Adam.

-

Ladies and gentlemen, may I present the fool of the day: Adam Demonhunter.

Hi and welcome to another chapter. What do you think? Leave a comment and let me know! 

Skyllen