Chapter 50 – Fairy Games and Rotten Love

My words bordered on disrespect and contained an accusation for which the queen had surely executed others before. It felt like whispering going through the room and it was only when the many little beings around us fell silent that I even noticed them. Jace turned his head towards me in a controlled motion, a warning look in his twinkling golden eyes. As if he wanted me to blend into the shadows of the walls instead of widening the gap to the fairies. He was hoping for a good outcome in these negotiations, and part of me was annoyed that he seemed willing to get on his knees for it.

For several seconds, all I heard was the pounding of blood in my ears. I counted my breaths, returned the queen's meaningless stare, and waited for her reaction. For a moment I thought I saw anger flare behind her icy blue eyes, but it might as well have been just a shadow. Then, contrary to all my expectations, she burst out laughing.

"The directness and honesty of the Morgensterns. I enjoy that." The queen's lips curled into a smile that made it hard to get the air into my lungs. "Unlike most other Nephilim, you know that your false politeness bores me."

Although she completely ignored the substance of my statement, I failed to maintain my mask of indifference. Her words hit me like a slap in the face; so hard that I briefly wondered if she had actually hit me because my cheeks started to glow. The world around me began to flicker at the edges. "You know my family," I ground out, feeling my fingers begin to tremble slightly as the queen nodded, her smile widening.

"He was hoping they would send you," she revealed, and I felt sick. My right hand went up to Eosphoros's grasp and I didn't have to look at Jace to know that he was my reflection. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him approach me and stop a step short of my private space.

"What did you get yourself into?" It slipped from my lips and I was amazed at how even my voice sounded. My insides seemed to tear apart at the thought that the queen had spoken to my father.

"As queen, I have a duty to protect the interests of my people. I have to do what I think is the right thing to do. The Nephilim are untrustworthy, history proves that."

"So what?" Jace asked, the politeness gone. The outrage was unmistakable. The soldiers emerged from the shadows. "Then why are we here if you have already allied with the enemy? Are you even aware of Valentine's plans? Do you know that he needs the blood of one of your children? He intends to destroy the entire world!"

"Oh, I am well aware of his plans, Nephilim," replied the queen, cold and haughty. "But as I said: Your world is not ours."

"You have allied yourself with my father," I stated and scanned the room with my eyes. No sign of him or Jonathan anywhere, but that didn't mean anything. Every fiber of my body screamed that this was an ambush. "At what price?"

"You remind me of Valentine," she said instead, her smile softening. "You two are not afraid to ask the important questions. You speak your mind outright, as does he. Even the way you speak, your voice. You are like him."

A wave of heat slammed into my body, and I had a hard time not yelling the first thing that came to mind at her. You are like him. My hands clenched into fists as panic shot through my veins. I didn't want to be like Valentine. No. It would be a disaster. I turned my head, unable to bear the sight of the queen in front of me for a second longer, only to meet Jace's eyes knowingly watching me. He shook his head imperceptibly. You are not like him. She is only playing with you.

"That's nothing to be angry about," the queen continued, and the open satisfaction at my anger only made me angrier. "Your father is a visionary, no matter what you think of him. But to answer your question ..." She paused to make sure of every ounce of attention from us. "Your father was here, not long ago. He was smart enough not to just kill one of my children. Instead, we made a compromise. If he succeeds in obtaining the blood of the other Shadowworlder children, I will sacrifice one of my own. In return, he will forever close any gates connecting our worlds."

"This is crazy," Isabelle laughed without any joy. "Your people would never agree to that!"

"I suppose I know best," the queen hissed in response, her eyes narrowing as she fixed on Isabelle. "The domestic politics of the Seelie Court is none of your business, Nephilim."

"I know some fey," Isabelle replied defiantly, raising her chin. "I know they would never agree to that."

The queen's amused laugh sounded like a chime; a tone so pure and bright that one automatically wanted to lean against towards it. "I am well aware of your relationships with our kind. But Meliorn is one of my most loyal knights. Whatever you think you know is nothing but the illusion of a half-fey capable of lying as such." She beamed triumphantly at Isabelle, as if she knew she'd won the game.

Isabelle, who was about to say something, pursed her mouth in dismay at Meliorn's name. I had no idea who it was about, but Isabelle had to be close to him if she thought she knew him. At least as close as you could ever come to a fairy as a Nephilim.

"Aren't you afraid that Valentine will betray you?" Jace stepped into the discussion for her, raising his blond eyebrows questioningly. "You must know that he's not a sincere partner."

"He may despise us Shadowworlders, but the enemies of my enemies are my friends, are they not? Of course, to be on the safe side, I made him swear by your deified Archangel. Our deal is set in stone." The queen seemed pleased with herself. She was aware that she had ripped us all off. After all, fey preferred nothing else.

"So what's next?" Jace's fingers were still on the hilt of his seraph blade. As if the queen's next words would decide everything. "If you'd simply rejected an alliance with us, then the fairies would only be a neutral party. But your deal with Valentine makes us enemies. Will you let us go so we can inform the Clave of your decision, or do you have plans of your own?"

The queen's smile faded. If I didn't know better, I would have got the feeling she was thinking. She pursed her lips and cocked her head. Her bright eyes found me and the look she gave me showed she was actually considering something. "Your father is demanding your extradition should I get a chance to face you," she admitted without breaking our locked eyes. She was now speaking to me alone, not to the rest of the group. Next to me, Jace's muscles tensed and for a split second my eyes darted over to his. A mistake, because of course my reaction did not go unnoticed by the queen. The smile that formed on her face testified to that. A shiver ran down my spine. "It was foolish of the Clave to send you. However, it was just as foolish of your father not to ask me to swear your extradition. I am on his side, but I do not want to make it too easy for him either. After all, he must earn the blood of one of my kind."

"What do you suggest?" I asked without hesitation. Trading with a fairy was always to your disadvantage, but the alternative was worse. I couldn't fall into Valentine's hands. Not because I was afraid of him, but because I didn't know if I was ready to face Jonathan yet.

"I wonder if you are capable of love, Clarissa Morgenstern."

"Of love?" I had expected a lot, but not this.

"Yes, of love," said the queen, and a mischievous expression took shape on her features. "But the true form of love. The way your mother loved Valentine all those years. There is no other way I can explain why she stayed with him for so long. Are you like your father in that respect, or are you like your mother?"

Silence. The hall spun around me. She had thrown me too much off course. My brain worked overtime to comprehend her words. Slowly, but only very slowly, the meaning seeped through, and with it the fear. If you are like your father, how will you save this world from him?

"Your brother is not." That one short sentence brought me back to reality. "I would not be surprised if Valentine erased this feeling in you too. After all, what is he supposed to do with an empathetic warrior who might feel sorry for his enemies?"

The pain that Jonathan had been here and that the queen could confirm that he was nothing more than an emotionless shell of his old self burned a hole in my chest. Despite his murder of my mother had already made this a fact. "I loved my mother."

Again silence.

"Tragic how she lost her life," the queen murmured, not a trace of sympathy in her voice. "So tragic it is almost amusing."

Anger boiled up in me. Like a hot flame simmering inside me that would rip everything to rubble at any moment. But that was exactly what she expected of me; what she hoped. And I didn't want to give this woman anything like that. So I capped this overloaded keg and shoved it deep down into the furthest corners of my body.

"Have you ever been loved unconditionally?" the queen then asked, realizing I wouldn't include anyone else on my list.

"There were two people," I blurted out and didn't know myself where I got the strength from. "One of them is dead, the other no longer exists." Unlike my mother and my brother, Valentine had never loved me. At least not in the way a father should love his child. He had been infatuated with his experiment and vision. Nothing more. It had taken me too long to realize that.

"What's that about? What's the point of these questions?" Jace snapped in, snarling as the queen opened her delicate mouth again. His patience with her seemed to have run out. I was glad of that, because I didn't want to answer a single one of her further questions.

The queen's clear eyes darted to Jace in anger, but quickly softened. She bowed her head and her red hair fell to one side like a curtain. "I promise you safe conduct back to Idris. Under one condition. A simple task that you have to fulfill. So simple that it is actually not fair to me."

"What task?" Isabelle asked suspiciously. The mistrust was justified. Getting involved in a game with the Fairy Queen could only go wrong.

"Since we fairies cannot lie, our society is built on totalitarian honesty. You, on the other hand ... you are like humans in that regard. Much of your world is based on lies and untruths. I take pleasure in watching you feel so uneasy about admitting the truth."

"Ask me anything and I will tell the truth," I said, taking a step forward. There was certainly a lot the queen would have loved to know about Valentine, or me in particular. I got the feeling that she had a penchant for drama. Besides, I was already an open book anyway. Thanks to Imogen Herondale, everyone in Alicante already knew everything about me.

But the Seelie Queen moved her chin as if she wanted to say no. "You are not going to take on this task," she explained, and the smile widened as her gaze wandered from Jace to Isabelle and Adam. "I asked you if you were ever loved unconditionally and you gave me two people you knew the answer for. What if I tell you that someone in this room feels about you in a similar way?"

I blinked. Several times. What was she saying? I turned my head and felt my heart start beating faster. Again I scanned the walls and exits I had just checked. No Jonathan. No Valentine. None but the fey soldiers. Confused, I turned back to the queen and frowned.

She rolled her eyes theatrically, as if I'd missed something obvious, and I had already turned my head halfway when she spoke. My frantic gaze lingered on Jace, whose face had fallen into his usual disinterested mask. He no longer looked at me, but eyed the queen with a neutrality too intense to be genuine.

"The task simple," repeated the queen cheerfully. "You are free to leave when Clarissa is kissed by the person who desires it most."

"That's ridiculous," I ground out in protest, suddenly realizing that she wasn't referring to my family. I felt the others stir behind me. Restless, as if they didn't know what to do with the task themselves.

"It is the truth," replied the queen, smiling. "And your only chance to get out of here alive."

Love. I was able to love. But could I be loved? Up to that point I hadn't given it a second thought because I knew who I was and everyone else knew it as well. I was Valentine Morgenstern's daughter. I was callous and dismissive half the time and fearful and vengeful the other half. At least that's how I saw myself.

I blinked and waited. What else could I do? After all, I was just the person to be kissed. Adam behind me shifted the weight of his body and my muscles stiffened. No, this was not possible. Adam had done everything to prove that he didn't even see me as a friend. This couldn't be love.

Adam stirred and I half turned in his direction, staring at him wide-eyed while he failed to look at me. I instinctively took a step back as every fiber in my body cried out for distance from him. It was just a stupid, meaningless kiss, but after he had protected Blake from me yesterday, something in my image of him had shifted.

Adam lifted his head and his green eyes met mine just as someone grabbed my wrist. He paused and a shadow passed across his face, darkening his pupils. I looked down at Jace's fingers gripping my arm; gentle, careful, uncertain. The emotions were not reflected in the hard gold of his expression. Instead, he seemed upset and sinister at the same time.

"This doesn't mean anything," was all Jace said before leaning down toward me in one frantic motion. All I could manage was my lips parting in amazement. The reply caught in my throat as his mouth met mine; hard and relentless, as if wanting to get this over with as quickly as possible. While the fingers of his left hand still gripped my wrist, his right had found my waist. I wanted to back away, but Jace's grip was firm. Just when I thought we were about to break apart from the kiss, his lips softened. It only lasted a split second for them to slide warmly and harmoniously against mine. Then Jace pulled away from me so abruptly that all I could manage was a stunned, breathless stare. But he had already turned his back on me.

"Can we go?" I heard him ask. His voice sounded muffled, as if a pane of glass were separating us. The queen's distorted laughter reached my ears from afar. Somehow I managed to look at her. Her wide, smug eyes rested on me. She smiled, different than before; a smile that made my skin shiver and reminded me why one never got involved with the fairies.

"You are free to go," said the Seelie Queen.

And to my own surprise, it was I who, like the wind, turned on my heel and stormed out of the room before the others had even put one foot in front of the other. My stomach lurched and I felt like throwing up on my own boots at any moment. I could feel the heat rushing down my cheeks and the tears forming at the corners of my eyes. Not with anger. Out of shame.

The fey found joy in tricking and duping people. The queen had forced Jace to kiss me because she found it amusing to see us break over it. She knew Jace felt nothing like that for me. How could he? I had seen the look on his face seconds after he kissed me. Revulsion. Disgust. Reluctance.

I didn't know when I stopped running. All I knew was that somehow, I found my way through the forest back to the meadow. The portal was already waiting for us. I walked through it without looking at anyone. I was afraid of what they would see on my face. I didn't feel like I was in control of my emotions any longer. Once in Idris, I ignored the angry cries of the Consul and Inquisitor, but fled the Gard before anyone could catch up. To my relief, no one tried to stop me, so I was able to easily climb onto the nearest roof and run away.

Nobody could ever love Clarissa Morgenstern. That's what Jace's eyes had said in that brief moment after the kiss. I felt something tear inside me; so loud, so painful my vision went white for a second.

Whatever relationship I thought I'd formed with Jace over the past few weeks fizzled out. I wasn't worthy of being loved. Valentine and Jonathan had taken that away from me. Valentine had made me the depraved person I was today. Jonathan had killed the only person left in this world who had felt any form of love for me.

Have you ever been loved unconditionally?  Yes, I have. That was part of the past.

Will you ever be loved again? No. It was years too late for that. I was too far from the light for that. My soul was too corrupt for that.

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