Chapter 41 – Between Realities

The ground beneath me shook. Every fiber of my body burned like liquid fire coursing through my veins. A gasp escaped my lips and I opened my eyes, escaping the endless darkness that had closed its claws on my mind for so long that I felt the need to close my eyes again almost immediately. Bright white stretched out before me, so wide it seemed endless. The fire slowed my brain and it took me a few seconds to realize I was staring at a white sky.

My gaze jerked to the side, focused, and spotted a figure inches from me. It was an odd angle I was watching it from. I tried to turn my head, but none of my muscles responded to my command. As if the figure had noticed my awakening, it lowered its eyes to me. Golden pupils poked out at me and I knew I knew him, but my brain was foggy and couldn't keep up with the many sensory impressions.

"You're awake," he whispered in a relieved voice, and something under my back moved. Only now did I realize that he was holding me with one of his arms. My head was resting against his shoulder as if he knew I didn't have the strength to support myself.

I tried to nod, but the fire in my blood stopped me. What happened? I couldn't remember. My eyes slid past the man's face to the sky. A dark orange veil floated towards us from one side. It looked like it was about to swallow the white. A sunset? My brain seemed to be catching up, because all of a sudden the sounds of the environment came to the fore. The pounding of hooves on wet earth, an animal's panting breath, the wind whistling against my hair.

I suddenly realized that I was on a horse, my body almost horizontal in the man's arms, allowing my eyes to stare at the endless sky without a problem. My gaze slid back to him and while my mind was working overtime, the mask in front of his face fell.

"Jace," I murmured, my voice barely audible over the thunder of hooves. I sounded weak, as if all strength had left my body, as if every syllable hurt my lips. And that's how it was. Opening my mouth was agony, but the only thing I could manage under the circumstances of the burning feeling in my veins.

Jace nodded and shifted his weight in the saddle. I could feel the tension in his body beneath me. "Try to stay awake, Clary," he said, almost sounding like a plea. "I wasn't sure if I hadn't already lost you."

"Lost?"

Astonishment crossed Jace's features, then he placed his left hand flat on my forehead. "Your fever is rising." Panic crept into his tone, but I couldn't find the strength to question it. "There was a battle, remember? You were hit by a poison spike."

Images flashed in front of my inner eye and suddenly everything made sense. The fire in my veins nothing but poison paralyzing my muscles. "I remember."

"How are you feeling?" Jace asked, staring down at me uncertainly. Only then did I notice that he wasn't wearing a coat. That was atypical, it was still winter. His torn black outfit seemed to swallow the sun's light. The gold in his eyes shone all the more.

"Like I'm on fire," I ground out, blinking. Each word brought the darkness a little bit closer to my mind. My energy reserves were almost exhausted.

"Don't worry," Jace said, and the grip around my body tightened. My eyes followed his movement. Another answer revealed itself to me. I was wrapped in his coat. Maybe that explained the heat. But it was probably just the fever. "We will reach the city soon."

oOo

A moan escaped my lips. My eyes swept the room, but dark dots danced in front of my pupils so I could barely make out anything. A bright light shone down on me from the ceiling. My body shifted sideways as pain shot through my stomach. Fingers closed around my arms, forcing me to endure this suffering.

Something in my stomach burned so hot that I immediately had the heavenly fire in front of my mind's eye. In my delirium I couldn't think of anything comparable. A hoarse scream left my throat and I tried with the last of my strength to brace myself against the many hands that were holding me. No chance.

"Clary!" Someone called my name from afar and I tried to turn my head, but another flash of pain made me snap it up. My eyes failed to focus. All I saw was a tall figure standing at the entrance to the room. Light blonde hair framed a face that didn't want to get sharp. "They just want to help you."

oOo

After a while in the darkness, which again felt like an eternity, my spirit managed to break through to the surface again. Again the endless sky was the first thing that caught my eye. The scenery had changed: a starry sky twinkled down on me. The sight calmed me because I could orientate myself better on the sky in the darkness. It couldn't be long since the moon had risen in the east, two hours at most. Its dim light allowed me to see Jace's form over me. At the edge of my vision, a mountain range was approaching, taking up much of the western side. We rode parallel to it. If I hadn't been on the verge of losing consciousness again, I would have been speechless. Jace had almost completed the route that had taken the escort over six hours today in less than half the time. The horse he was riding must have been on the verge of collapse.

"Is that Silver?" My voice was barely a whisper, and yet Jace flinched. His pupils fixed me questioningly and it took him a second to understand. He nodded silently. "You'll kill him."

"If it means you make it through the day, it's worth it to me," Jace said, clearing his throat at the touch of anger on my face. "He has exceptional stamina, he rides non-stop without complaining. I think he knows what's at stake."

"What's at stake?" I asked, but all I got was a skeptical look that said something like You know that perfectly well.

For a while all I heard was the pounding of Silver's hooves on the wet ground. A hectic rhythm that almost lulled me back to sleep because of its regularity. The stars above our heads revealed the direction we were riding and I wondered how far we were from Alicante. The burning in my veins seemed worse than before. I was so warm I could feel hot beads of sweat rolling down my neck.

"Why did you do it?" Jace's voice sounded strained, probably because he had been sitting on Silver's back non-stop for hours, riding through half of Idris while holding my weight. I didn't understand his question. The rigidity of my body was too great for me to raise my eyebrows, my gaze would have to be enough. "Why did you throw yourself between me and the demon?"

So that's what he meant. I closed my eyes for a moment and pictured the demon's massive wings as it had fallen out of the sky, legs outstretched. "Imagine if I returned to Alicante with your corpse," I said, trying to curl my lips into a grin. "The Inquisitor would probably have me executed without hesitation. I had no other choice."

Jace didn't seem to find anything amusing about it. "You saved my life," he remarked in a tone that suggested he didn't understand my motives. To be honest, I couldn't say what had made me want to stand in the way of the demon either. All I knew was that it very likely would have ambushed Jace. With his back to the demon, he wouldn't have had a chance of surviving.

"It was stupid to leave your back exposed," I complained quietly, giving Jace a penetrating look.

"You don't know how much I regret that now," was all he replied, a strange look in his golden eyes. He looked pained as he stared down at me. "I thought you were dead. I thought you died because of me."

"But I'm still alive. Thanks to you. And you saved my life once before, remember?" I was talking about the day in the New York Institute when he had thrown himself between me and Jonathan's blade. Back when his hatred had been immense.

A bitter laugh escaped Jace's throat, and he nodded, his face taking on an incredulous look. "What a strange turn of events," he commented dryly and without any sympathy in his voice.

oOo

My consciousness came and went, and with it the pain that raced through my body like a pack of horses trampling on me. I tried to place and time the dreams, but I couldn't lie still and avoid the burn for long. My throat felt raw and dry, and every scream that escaped was followed by a breathless cough.

"Water," I tried to choke out. Water. My body burned up and I died of thirst. Did nobody notice that?

The dark figures that had gathered around me didn't seem to understand me. Or they didn't care. They still held my arms to keep me still. I lacked the strength to continue resisting their grips. Their fingers were digging into my skin like wire ropes anyway. I tried to look at their faces, but there was nothing but deep shadows. No eyes. No mouths.

Panic spread through my blood. What kind of monsters were they? What were they planning to do with me? For a moment fear managed to push back the fire in my veins. Without the pain, it was easier for me to think clearly. The sharpness strengthened my vision; let me focus.

"Let me go!" The angry exclamation was followed by a wave of dizziness, but I threw myself against them with all my might. You cannot break down now.

My gaze shot up to the figure on my left, about to make a second shout, when his now-recognizable face caught my eye. It was a Silent Brother. I caught my breath, confused and distracted, and the dizziness managed to overwhelm me. I let it, even as the panic in my body begged me to fight it. My brain knew better; knew there was no logical reason to fear.

You are safe. Tears ran down my cheeks. With my jammed hands, there was nothing I could wipe them away with. It's all right. It didn't feel like everything was all right. I had spent years fearing them. The flame of that fear burned in my heart just as fiercely as before. Only my head knew that it was based on my father's manipulation and that the Silent Brothers meant me no harm. They only want to help you. It didn't change anything. Fear still coursed through my veins with an icy cold and locked my muscles. Just as the poison had just done.

I hesitated. The Poison. The fire was still burning, but I was sure it was fading. Not because of the cold trying to banish it. Something else was dormant in my veins. Neither cold nor warm. A liberating numbness. Thrown off course, I tightened my lips and then my eyes widened at the sensation of being lifted into the air. As if my body was leaning against the gloomy sky. If only I could stretch out my hand ...

oOo

When I opened my eyes wide, the sky was again too far away for me to touch. I drew the oxygen into my lungs and savored the cold winter air chilling me from the inside out. The fever had gotten worse. Each blink of my lids burned my retina and brought tears to my eyes. The world around me had started spinning since my last awakening. Too fast for me to make out how far we were from Alicante.

I could feel death in my stomach where the demon's sting had pierced me. It spread through my body like a dark, numb fog. Slowly, but drawing strength from the failure of my vital organs. The pain had almost completely left me. My body shut down and yet I felt better than I had an hour before. There was more strength in my muscles and I was able to move my fingers. So was that death? Did it grant one last peaceful moment in this world before the timeless darkness came?

I raised my head to Jace, who blinked frantically and turned his head away. Like he's didn't want to watch me fall apart or vanish into thin air. I could see the nervousness in his rigid posture that he was trying to hide. "What are you thinking?" I asked, my voice surprisingly steady, almost the same as always.

Jace seemed to have the same thought because he turned around again, watery panic in his eyes for a moment. He couldn't hide the horror that crossed his pale face. Then he blinked again, multiple times and the wet glimmer was gone – he had put up a facade between us. I didn't understand why he tried to hide his feelings from me. Didn't he know that I was well aware of how close I was to the Everafter at that moment?

A wide smile settled on Jace's lips. "We'll be there soon, Clary," he said in a confident voice. Or maybe he just wanted to convince himself that I would survive. I knew I would never reach the city alive. Death had me too much in its claws for that. "Only half an hour until we reach the southern gates."

Half an hour. I managed a nod. Could I hold back the darkness for the last thirty minutes? The darkness settled like a warm veil over my limbs. Cozy, inviting, liberating. Where it was there was no pain left. Did I want to escape it at all?

"Clary," Jace said, his tone more forceful now. The gold of his eyes fixed mine with a strange intensity. "Stay with me."

It took me several seconds to understand. Was it possible to see how death was spreading inside me? "I don't know if I can," I answered breathlessly. Lifeless. Where was the power I had felt moments before?

"You can," Jace replied, brushing a strand of sweat-bound hair from my face. His fingers trembled. "You have to. I didn't ride halfway through Idris to make you give up near the finish."

"I'm not giving up." Silver's hooves pounded faster over the stones. Faster, faster, faster. Jace drove the last strength out of the animal, the very last reserves of energy. "Anything I could hold on to dissolves into darkness." It was the truth. It felt like my body was slowly but surely slipping away; like I was losing control. I couldn't feel my legs anymore. They were already lost in darkness.

Jace shook his head as if he didn't want this to become real. As if he could ignore reality to create his own. "What about Jonathan?" Jonathan. I raised my brows to hide the sudden guilt that rolled over me. "Who will stop Jonathan when you're gone?"

"You," I said, managing a weak smile. The whipping wind cooled the hot sweat on my neck and I sighed gratefully. My fever was still there, the fire blazing and unyielding. I didn't know if it was fighting the darkness or helping it take over my body. "And Isabelle and Adam and Alec."

Jace shook his head and shifted Silver's reins from one hand to the other to bring his arm up under my back. My face drew closer to his and he stared down at me, speechless and searching for the right words. "Who can defeat him if not you? You are stronger than me You know him better than me. I can't do it on my own. I need you."

Jonathan's face popped up in my mind's eye. The sneer on his lips. The callous emptiness in his black pupils. What would he do with this world if I wasn't there to save it from him? My eyes traveled skyward past Jace. The stars twinkled like a carpet of diamonds. As a child I had imagined faces in the many constellations of the stars. Eyes staring down and watching me. Maybe it had been less imagination and more childish foreboding over the years. Ithuriel. Was he up there? Was he looking down on me?

"Give me my stele," I murmured, not taking my eyes off the endless expanse of space. Jace didn't hesitate and pressed the stele between my fingers. The adamas was cold against my glowing skin. Probably from the cold around us. To my relief, touching the stele had exactly the effect I was hoping for. It was like a spark jumping from the adamas to my fingers. Like an invisible energy shooting up my arm and electrifying me. Ithuriel's energy.

Jace's eyes widened as my fingers tightened around the stele. Me too had believed my muscles to be gone. It wasn't much. It wouldn't last long. It was the last barrier against darkness I would be granted. Now all I had to do was gather enough strength to stay alive long enough. I had to focus on something. Something other than the pain, the fire and the death.

Over me, Jace cleared his throat as if he could read my mind and my eyes locked on him. With all the effort I could muster, I burned my gaze into his, needing something to hold on to. It seemed to throw him off track for a moment. His trembling hand slipped to my fingers clutching the stele and squeezed.

"All this just for my sake," he said, and I heard the self-doubt he could hardly contain now that I was closer to the dark than the light. "You shouldn't have intervened, then I would be in your place now. That would make me feel better." His eyes slid from me to the path in front of us and back to me. A wild expression lay in them. "Why did you do it? Why did you save my life? We both know I don't deserve it."

For a long time I couldn't help but stare at Jace. Then a faint smile spread across my lips. "Like I said, because of your crazy grandmother," I ground out, my chest shaking as I laughed at the idea. "She hates me so much, I was just doing her a favor."

Jace's mouth twitched for a second. Then he pressed them into a thin line and drew his brows together. I sighed and closed my eyes. "Isn't that what friends would do for each other?" I asked into the stillness of winter wind and horse hooves, dropping the joke. "Give one's life for each other?"

oOo

Something was different. The fire was gone. Likewise the darkness. All that was left was a dull ache pressing against the inside of my stomach wall. Barely noticeable. Easy to ignore. I squinted against a dim light and found I had no trouble keeping my eyes open. No burning on my retina. No blurred vision. Only the dryness in my throat remained.

I leaned to the side and felt a weight pressing down on my body. Warmth. No heat, just pleasant warmth. My eyes quickly got used to the little light and my gaze fell on a white ceiling. It took my brain a few seconds to realize that this wasn't my bed at the Lightwoods' house.

I cautioned my mind not to act hastily. It didn't seem able to do that, anyway. It was like there was a film over my mind, making it harder to think. Was I drugged? I forced my feet to stay still and instead raised my head to analyze my surroundings. The light from outside was blocked by a gray curtain that hung in front of the only window, which was on the opposite side of a small, square-shaped room. The room was empty except for the bed and a metal nightstand that didn't look very inviting. To my left was a locked door that made my heart beat faster.

I didn't know this place. I didn't know where and in whose power I was. I closed my eyes for a moment and conjured up some images that I wasn't sure if they actually corresponded to reality. Had I really been hurt by a demon? Judging by the pounding in my stomach, it really had happened. Had Jace really ridden through half of Idris against all odds to keep me from dying? If the few snippets of those moments were true, then where was Jace? I couldn't remember our arrival in Alicante. Was there a possibility someone had intercepted us before? Possibly Valentine personally? After all, he had set the demons on us, one of which had gotten me.

I hoisted my body into an upright position, ignoring the pain coursing through my stomach. They must have drugged me because as I swung my legs off the bed, the film from my head suddenly spread to my muscles. Like a numbness that slowed my movements. It reminded me a bit of the paralyzing effects of the poison, except that the pain it had caused was missing. My vision went white as my legs hit the ground. The cool tiles beneath my bare feet were the only indication that the dizziness was all in my head. I waited until my vision cleared and stared at the bedside table. Valentine must have intercepted us because there was no trace of my stele. A glass water bottle was all I found. That would have to do.

I grabbed the bottle as fast as my numbed muscles would allow, popped the cap and drank. It wasn't until the water ran down my throat that I realized how thirsty I had actually been – and how stupid not to check it for poison first. How long had I been out of action? My eyes lowered to my body. Someone had exchanged the bloody outfit for a shirt and trousers, both made of white, soft cotton. In a cautious movement, I pushed the shirt aside and looked at the throbbing wound. A black spot had formed on my stomach, so dark that the color reminded me of Jonathan's eyes. It was the remnants of the demon venom that had already settled into the skin. Normal and not too bad. A bandage wrapped around my waist. Good. My escape might not be as bad as I thought. I just had to somehow fight the numbness in my limbs.

I shifted the weight of my body onto my legs and slowly slid off the bed. A sharp pain shot through my stomach and up my back. This time I actually staggered forward and had to brace myself against the wall to keep from falling to my knees. If I fell now, I wouldn't get up again. I gritted my teeth and staggered past the door, toward the window. Checking the door was a bad idea, so I dismissed it outright. It was most likely locked anyway, and if anyone was on guard on the other side, they'd spot me. And in my condition, I would definitely lose a chase.

My fingers dug into the curtain and roughly pushed it aside. I stared at the open window in amazement for a moment. Was this a trick? Did Valentine want to test me? I ignored the thoughts racing through my mind. I had to get out of here and as soon as possible. With trembling hands I climbed onto the narrow stone windowsill and pulled the curtain back behind me so that no one would immediately see that I had disappeared through the window. Even if you would think so immediately when you saw my empty bed.

The pain that shot through my stomach as I climbed backwards out the window caused me to fall nearly two stories. I squeezed my lids and inhaled through my nose until the dizziness subsided and white stars stopped dancing in front of my eyes. How was I supposed to survive this escape? Each step sent hot bolts of lightning through my body, and I feared that if I moved too quickly, the wound in my abdomen would rupture.

The window of my room gave a view of an alley that was shaded from the sun by the building across the street. I had no idea where I was. Was this Alicante? It could be any other old-fashioned city in the world. Italy or Greece, maybe even inland of France. If I was in my father's power, this scenery was chosen on purpose. Maybe to keep me safe. Maybe he'd left the window open just to amuse myself at my pathetic attempt to escape, if he caught me somewhere again. He had to know that I wouldn't get very far out there in my condition.

I tried to push the thought away from me. Instead, I put my feet in front of each other, slowly, and balanced along the old stone building. I couldn't see the red tile roof I was moving towards. My vision was white with pain and everything was spinning around me. All I could trust was the barely there feeling in my legs, the feel of the ground beneath my feet as I moved step by step forward. Tears ran down my cheeks and I bit my lip to stifle a groan. Any sound could mean my death. One sound and each of Valentine's guards would know what I was trying to do. I cursed myself for not taking the glass bottle with me. It had been the only object in the room that came close to being a weapon.

Somehow I managed to reach the roof that attached to my building. I didn't have the strength to go on immediately. I sat on all fours on the narrow red roof, my head between my arms, waiting for the pain to go away. Or at least the sensitivity of the numbness that made me feel like I didn't have a body at all. I waited until my breathing had calmed down somewhat. Then I tightened my grip on the bricks under my fingers and continued to crawl across the roof on all fours. I was still in the shadows, not having reached the top of the building.

Gravity tugged at my limbs, trying to push me in the direction I had come from. Instead, I kept moving up, up to the highest point of the roof. I had my eyes half closed because I could hardly see anyway because of the pain. My hands guided me over the bricks. Relying on my faint sense of touch, while I couldn't tell how much the anesthetic affected it, was a risk I took without hesitation. Pushing back the pain meant fighting it. It was better with closed eyes.

It felt like an eternity before I reached the top of the roof. I could feel the round bricks that marked the top edge of the building. I forced my right foot over the edge and groaned to myself. My fingers were shaking from the exertion and I could taste blood on my lower lip. My entire body shook in pain, but I ignored its pleas for a break. Instead, I now swung my right leg completely over the edge of the roof and immediately regretted it. I drove my nails into the bricks, looking for a hold, but no chance.

Too much momentum. Too little body control. And already I had lost my balance. A scream escaped my throat as my body flipped over once on the other side of the roof and then was pulled off the incline. I widened my eyes and panic seized me. I was higher than expected. Two floors would have been a mercy in comparison. Even worse, I skidded straight towards Angel Square. I was in Alicante. In safety. Far from Valentine. A curse left my lips, my voice consumed with anger and pain as the edge of the roof drew nearer. I had been so convinced that I was in my father's power that I hadn't paid much attention to my surroundings. The open window suddenly made a little more sense. I was now paying the price for my lack of caution. I blamed it on the drugs I was on. They had instilled this numbness and convinced me of capture.

I pressed my feet against the sloping bricks I had just climbed and didn't bother to hold back my gasps. All that mattered now was to prevent my fall into the depths. The world around me turned into a sea of black dots. Not a good sign. My body must have found it necessary to deprive me of consciousness to protect itself from the pain. Not a good idea ...

Miraculously, my feet managed to find footing in the rain gutter. The momentum of my fall nearly threw me over the edge, but my fingers caught the metal at the last second. A final jolt went through my body as the speed of gravity came to an abrupt halt. My stomach lurched and I felt like choking. I spat blood onto the already-dark bricks and raised my head, trembling. A bitter laugh escaped my throat as I analyzed my situation. I was lying on the edge of the roof of some building overlooking Angel Square. Centimeters separated my body from the fall. The rain gutter had saved my life.

I squinted against the sunlight and winced as my hearing came back after a few minutes. I didn't even realize it was gone. People shouted at each other. Far away and yet somehow close. I wanted to turn my head to Angel Square, but dark dots spread before my eyes. The bricks pressed against my back and the cold winter sun suddenly seemed much too bright on my skin. Would I fall if I lost consciousness now?

"Clary," a voice called out, beside itself with anger. I winced and couldn't be sure if I hadn't nodded off for a few minutes. "Fucking shit, by the angel?"

Isabelle's brown eyes popped up inches from my face. She looked angry. Half of her face disappeared behind the darkness of my inner eye. "What's the matter with you?" Isabelle continued to curse, tugging at my arm to pull me away from the edge of the roof. "You do really have a death wish, don't you?" With every word she spoke, her voice soared an octave.

Tears ran down my cheek. I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing but confused words escaped. I furrowed my brows in confusion.

"Don't even try to talk," Isabelle snapped, putting my arm over her shoulder. "They gave you a pretty strong painkiller. The dose was actually high enough to knock you out for hours."

Painkiller? How bad was my actual pain if it was driving me insane now? I had completely misinterpreted the numbness, but if the dose really was as high as Isabelle said, I should be feeling more than just that.

My own scream interrupted my train of thought. Isabelle had tried to pick me up, half hoisted over her shoulder. She wasn't strong enough to carry me, and every movement, no matter how small, sent waves of pain coursing through my body. I spat blood on Isabelle's gear and grabbed her arm to keep my balance. We both stumbled on the edge of the roof, she with more control than me, but my weight was pulling her the wrong way.

"Isabelle," another voice called at that moment. "What, by the angel, are you doing?" Jace.

I cocked my head to peer past Isabelle. At the top edge of the roof, where I had just lost my footing, Jace stood staring down at us in a mixture of amazement and horror. How did we have to look like? Tired of life probably. In a split second, Jace slid down the roof. It seemed so easy for him. Probably because he wasn't half dead and under the influence of drugs.

"Did you want to kill her?" Jace asked angrily, pushing Isabelle aside while he put an arm around my waist. "You both could have fallen off."

"I didn't mean to hurt her ..." Isabelle sounded irritated and took a step back when Jace had a secure hold on me. I gasped and pressed my hand against the wound in my stomach. Jace looked down at me and a worried look crossed his face. "That's exactly what I mean," Isabelle remarked.

"This is going to hurt again," Jace warned, his golden eyes staying on me. "Ready?"

I nodded, not really knowing what he was up to. A second later I lost my footing and was flying through the air. At least that's what it felt like under the influence of the numbness and the searing pain in my core. I blinked and realized that Jace had picked me up. My legs dangled over the crook of his arm and the arm that had just been at my hip now held my shoulders firmly. My arms hung down on me like I'd already lost consciousness. Had I been in my right mind, I might have worried about the closeness between us.

Jace turned his head and eyed me with an odd distance in his gaze. Our faces were so close that I had to lean my head back to look into his eyes. But I didn't have the strength to do that. Instead, I closed my lids and inhaled through my nose while listening to their precise footsteps as he and Isabelle made their way back to the ground. I had no idea how they got on the roof in the first place. I couldn't muster the interest in it. The darkness was tugging at my consciousness too much.

-

Well hello. I'm really excited to read your thoughts! What do you think about this chapter? 

Skyllen