Dear Notebook,

    I may or may not have done something really stupid (as always) that might have a huge effect on someone's relationship. Just maybe. But before I explain what I did or didn't do let's fill you in on what's been going on since the Tree. Also if want to shout many profanities at both me and Camilla, I'm sorry for your pain in advance (She's a pain in the ass).

June 2, 2015

    My eyes were red with tears and dread once I reached home after my encounter with Andrew at the Tree. I opened the front door and was greeted by both my mother and sister waiting by the door with worry in their eyes. "Oh thank goodness," I heard my mother sigh once I opened the door. My sister tackled me in a hug even though I was dripping wet with rainwater almost as if she thought I had died.

"Panda, you're shivering! Go take a warm bath while I'll set up dinner." my sister suggested like she was the parent in the situation. I nodded and headed upstairs for a bath to clear my head of- well I'm sure you recall.

I felt very relaxed after that warm bath but it didn't help clear my mind of what was just told to me. I stared at the water and wondered if my problems would fade away if I went under. I know I am young and have a lot to live for and shouldn't be thinking about this depressing shit but when your father comes home late every night doing, God knows what, your mother doesn't even cook for you or your little sister anymore or your only friend might be moving to a whole different continent, I think I have a pass.

Once out of my bath I walked down the stairs and saw both my mother and sister waiting for me to eat but no sign of my father. I looked around before sitting down and digging into my stir-fry.

"Where is Father?" I asked simply, curiously looked in my mother's direction. Only she didn't answer, she only looked away from my gaze when my sister spoke up.

"He hasn't come home yet, don't think he will be home till late again." She whispered. I didn't think much of it since it's normal for us now until my mother stood up from her chair and headed upstairs without a word. I looked at my sister for answers but she just looked down at her plate.

We ate in silence after that.

Once I finished my food I headed upstairs to my room. I was about to open the door when small sniffs and hiccups caught my attention from the other room. I walked towards the guest room where they were coming from but saw nothing. I walked around and only heard the sniffs get louder. Confused I went towards the closet door where I thought I continued to hear a woman, probably my mother, sobbing.

I hesitantly opened the door and not to my surprise my mother was on the closet floor with tears flowing uncontrollably down her puffy cheeks. "Mother, are you alright?" I began softly, she lifted her head and wiped her tears quickly as if trying to hide them from me

"Hey Panda," she answered trying to sound casual and ignoring the rasp in her voice.

"What are you up to?"

"Just- *sniff* thinking."

"What about?" I pressed.

"Come here," she said as she waved me over to her with a small grin forced onto her face. I walked towards her and sat crossed legged next to her. "I know your father and I haven't really been- um well there for you and your sister. But, well we love you both very much and thought you should have this," she searched through her shoe box pile before she revealed a small white box tied with a blue ribbon. I took it reluctantly, confused as to why my parents bought me a present when they didn't even get me one for my birthday 3 months ago.

I pulled the ribbon and opened the white box to uncover a small black iPod nano with white ear buds to match. I turned it on and saw it was already loaded with my favorite music, even from albums from 2005. These very familiar sounds were the only escape I had from the yelling that happened when I would be trying to sleep. So to me, the thought that my parents knew what gave me the will to live made me grin like an idiot.

"Andrew helped us with the song choices. He said you hated the recent junk. And by the looks of it, I guess he was right." she chuckled. I didn't know what to say, I never got gifts like this before and it looked expensive.

"Wow, I- I don't know what to say, thank you, Mother." I tried to compose myself of the tears of joy threatening to flow. I hugged her, tightly. We weren't the type of daughters and mothers who hug a lot so she knew how much this meant to me.

"Of course Panda. Now go to sleep, you have your final exam tomorrow." she pushed me out the door and headed to her room herself. "Goodnight my little panda," she whispered before I closed my door and laid in bed.

The memories of when my iPod first touched my soft fingertips filled me with (determination) peacefulness throughout my slumber and wiped my head clean of my father. Little did I know the stain didn't come out.

June 4, 2015 (present)

I don't enjoy mentioning school much mostly because it is a living hell with Satanist children that like to pick on the people with the most problems. But something truly handmade by the Devil himself was presented into my hell of a life.

The school bell had just rung and I was attempting to walk to the school yard without being pushed onto the ground by the kids running home to celebrate the start of summer vacation. I sat down by an isolated tree to wait for my parents to pick me up, but they never came. I dug my nose into a familiar fictional novel with my earbuds plugged in when I felt someone next to me and pulled out an earbud. Ella Winston. The only girl in the school who thinks I'm some what normal.

"Hey," she began

"Hi," I responded now looking at her.

"How are you?" she asked sincerely.

"Could be better. What about you El."

"Fine, are you okay Amanda?" She asked genuinely, I stared at her confused as to why she was so genuinely concerned with how I was when I am clearly fine. But she continued.... "I know your mom is going through a lot and your dad isn't- well, just know I am still here."

"What do you mean El?" I asked slightly taken aback.

"I should probably be-" She hesitated and began to stand up and walk away before I grabbed her arm.

"Ella, what's going on? What do you know that I don't?" She looked away from my gaze as I tried to read her expression. She then sighed and looked at me with glossy eyes.

"Amanda, your mom called mine last night. I know why your dad hasn't been coming home at night," she saw the confusion in my eyes when she mentioned my father, especially since I never told anyone about what happens at night, not even Andrew. "Your mom asked my family to do some investigating and try to find out why he has been coming home late. He was having an affair with your sister's kindergarten teacher. I'm so so sorry."

I couldn't hear her when she asked where I was going because the truth was I didn't know.

Before I knew it I was on my front doorstep, tears welling in my eyes making it hard to put the house key in the lock. I opened the door after having great difficulty with the lock and walked slowly towards the sofa where my mother was sitting. She stared out the window like she envied the freedom that the mockingbirds had as they flew from tree to tree.

"Is it true?" I croaked. Rosaline walked through the open front door behind me confused but before she could ask I told her to go upstairs to her room.

"Is what true Panda?" she had fear in her eyes, she knew what I was attempting to verbalize but too afraid to mention the name.

"What father did? Is it true?" my mother hesitated and tried to find the words to say, but instead hide her afraid expression with a grin.

"Father did nothing wrong, I don't know what you're talking about." she lied straight through her teeth, right to my face. "Now, pack up your things, you and Rosie are staying at Carlos's since you have no school," she said simply to change the subject. But I didn't complain or argue, I went upstairs grabbed some clothes, my charger, earphones, and toiletries.

Abuela lived in Ocala meaning the drive was going to be a bit over an hour, so I grabbed a pillow to sleep with and my sister did the same. The only problem was, I couldn't sleep. I tried to listen to music but it didn't help much. I took out my earphones and heard my mother talking on the phone.

"With Rosie's fucking kindergarten teacher.... I know right.... well.... Amanda asked me something strange earlier today.... I think she knows.... I don't know, she isn't an idiot she knows something must be up.... I can't lie to my own daughter.... I don't know who told her.... don't jump to conclusions, Mrs. Winston is a kind lady she wouldn't try to hurt my daughter.... maybe.... I've never met the daughter and Amanda hasn't spoken anything about her.... well I can't do that now she is sleeping..."

I felt tears burn my cheeks at the truth being revealed, as well as a pair of eyes burn at my face, I closed my eyes, I don't know why I did it. I choked back a sob but stayed strong. I needed to find out the truth, whether it was the easy or hard way. But I'm not going to lie, the truth hurt.

"Okay I'll ask her.... nothing much just dropping off the kids at my brother's.... he hasn't seen them in forever, I thought it would be good for them and him.... not much but maybe they could connect to their Hispanic roots you know?... oh come on Isa she could use the practice with taking care of kids....but they might be her new nieces.... well I can't hate Camilla forever besides there's nothing I can do about her, she's my brother's problem.... ok thanks,.... bye." Click.

***
When we approached the house there was a young blonde woman in the doorway looking quite annoyed. "Thanks again for taking them at such short notice Camilla." She whispered to the young woman.

"Whatever, as long as those brats don't interfere with Carlos and I." the woman named Camilla scoffed and went inside.

My mother rolled her eyes before diverting her attention to Rosie and I.  "Bye girls. Have fun and I'll pick you up in a few days. Love you!" our mother said farewell and we began to walk inside the house without any clue where we were or who that woman was. Great start to the summer if you ask me!

The entrance to the house was a small hall leading to an open lounge and dining room. To the right of the lounge was a hall leading to two small bedrooms, one looking untouched and the other very untidy and used, and a small dirty bathroom covered with various makeup products. My sister and I began to sit down on the sofa awkwardly not knowing what to do before the door swung open revealing a young man with piercings and tattoos who looked very familiar.

"Is that Amanda and Rosaline, my two favorite nieces in the world?" the young man began as he ran toward us with his arms wide. I tried to put my finger on who this person before realizing he was my godfather Carlos from when I was younger.

"Carlos?" I exclaimed as he engulfed me in a bear hug.

"Hola mi amor. How are you?" I giggled as he lifted me in the air and kissed my check biting a little.

"I'm great, it's been so long since I've seen you."

"I know my Panda but I had things to do. Is this the famous Rosaline?" he asked rolling the R in her name.

"Hi," my sister said shyly

"Can I get a hug mi amor?" she nodded and he lifted her and spin her around as she giggled.

"Carlos?" my sister began.

"Si, my flor?"

"Who is that?" my sister asked pointing to the women watching from the corner.

"This is my girlfriend, Camilla." he announced grabbing her hand.

"Hello," we greeted in unison.

She let go of her hand and stormed to the kitchen obviously still annoyed we were here.

"Let's get you two settled in your room," Carlos suggested settling Rosie on the floor grabbing her hand and our bags and beginning to settle the things into drawers in the room we were staying in. I followed Camilla and also headed towards the kitchen, where an older lady was stirring some tasty looking and smelling soup.

"Oh, hello there. What's your name?" She asked politely.

"Amanda," I responded also attempting to be polite.

"I'm María, I am the maid and chef here. Dinner will be ready soon, please take a seat." I smiled at her kind greeting before sitting down at the head of the table.

"That's my seat, little girl. You sit over there." Camilla told me pointing to another table against the wall with small chairs for children. But I did as I was told and sat at the little kid's table attempting not to break the small wooden chair.

"María, do you mind if I taste some soup?" Camilla asked with some suspicion in her voice.

"No, not at all." María slowly got away from the pot and handed Camilla a small spoon. She snatched the spoon which caught my by surprise and tasted the soup. She made a face not even a mother could love and spit out the soup.

"This is horrible, who would eat this?" she gasped grabbing the water I took out of the fridge and chugging it as if she ate a red hot chili pepper. She continued to make a face while she scraped her tongue dramatically. I heard a small girl's voice and man's voice approaching and as fast as lightning she sat right next to me with a sweet innocent smile. "Oh hey sweetie, I just thinking, why don't we go out to eat?" she suggested as Carlos and Rosie entered the room.

"María has already made dinner," Carlos replied with fear in his voice for some reason and gestured Rosie to sit next to me and Camilla. She pouted and showed her bottom lip like a small child and began whine,

"But I don't want to have soup for dinner,"

"Ok, ok. Fine, girls go get your-"

"No!"

"What's wrong now Cami?"

"I don't want those brats to go with us, just you and me." she continued to whine.

"Of course mi amor," he concluded and gave her a kiss. I was taken aback at how much of a princess he treated her, especially since he wasn't the type of person to care about anyone else's options.

She got up from the chair and gave me a spoiled devil glare before putting on her sunglasses and walking out the door.

"I'm sorry we can't stay Panda, but have fun." And with that Carlos and Camilla left Rosie and I with María.

"What was that about?" Rosie asked innocently and sat at the big table.

"No clue," I responded following her example and sat at the big table next to her.

María mumbled something in not very polite in Spanish as she placed the soup bowls in front of us with buttered bread on the side.

"I'm sorry niñas, she can be a real pain sometimes." María sighed and began to eat her soup with us.The soup had mixtures of salty with just enough sweetness from the vegetables that it swirled into a dish only to be described as amazing.

After supper, I debated with Rosie what we should do and we agreed on a movie and ice cream. But once we opened the freezer we were interrupted by a door open and familiar harsh voice.

"What the hell are you brats doing?! You can't just being going through my freezer like it's yours!" Camilla yelled.

"Hey, Cami, they are just kids. They don't know any better. Just let them have some ice cream ok?" Carlos interfered closing the door behind him.

"But Carlos, it's my ice cream and they can't just take it without asking!" Camilla argued.

"Okay okay, fine. Niñas put on your shoes, we will eat out for ice cream, okay?" Camilla frowned obviously not happy that she lost this battle, but, I wasn't gonna stop just there.

"Carlos?" I asked innocently

"Yes my love,"

"Can we see the movie Tomorrowland too?"

"Of course, we are gonna have SO much fun!" He announced picking up Rosie on his shoulders and dancing out the door and closing it behind him.

Once we walked out the door and headed towards the car, I heard the door open and close again. "Wait! Girls, wait! Girls I wasn't being nice and I'm so so so sorry. Can you please please forgive me?" Camilla pleaded and begged with her bottom lip out again. She went onto her knees so she was shorter than Rosie and I, and continued to plead for forgiveness.

"Fine, we-" Rosie began since I refused to forgive her.

"Oh thank you so much!" She squealed and ran to the car and sat shotgun. Wish I had a shotgun....

Camilla was talking about some sort of new lipstick that she HAD to get her hands on before it sold out and asked if we could go to the mall before we see the movie. Which I wasn't happy about at all, but I wasn't going to give her what she wanted, which was to get under my skin. I let out a breath I didn't even know I was holding in and unclenched my fists.

"I'm sure the girls won't mind, right girls?" she smirked.

"Well, not-" I began.

"See? Oh please, Carlos."

"Cami, I would love too but then we will miss the movie." Carlos defended

"Who cares about the damn movie, this is limited addition!" Camilla complained trying to get her way. "Here, I'll make you a deal. We go to the mall and you buy me my gift and maybe I'll give you a gift tonight.... how does that sound? Hmmm?" She asked seductively.

Okay you little slut, you think that tempting my godfather with sex is going to make you get what you want? Not today sister. I wanted so badly to give her a piece of my mind but I didn't want to start a war that would last till we left, which was Sunday night.

In the end we went to the mall to every store within a five mile radius. It was 7:47 when arrived and almost 11:05 when we finally got back to the car.

"Well that was fun! Right girls?" Camilla squealed as she was being carried through the parking lot by Carlos while Rosie and I held all her shopping bags which left red marks on our wrists. Camilla claimed that we needed the exercise after snatching her bags and putting them in the trunk and climbing into the car.

The ride back to Carlos' was silent other than the occasional tapping and then giggling. Probably just Instagram or Twitter.

Once we arrived I headed straight to the shower with my clothes and toiletries in hand before being blocked by Camilla AGAIN. "I go first brat-" she began before glancing to my right which I think was where Carlos was standing. "I-uh-I mean, do you mind if I go first Manda Panda?" she asked sweetly pinching my cheek.

"Um-"

"Great! Thanks hon." Thanks hon?! What the hell was that and why was she acting so nice while around Carlos? If one thing ticks me off more than lying it's probably secrets, which may be hypocritical but I get a pass which you would probably recall why.

***

I turn my head 90 degrees and look at the clock. It chimes three times indicating it is now exactly 4 a.m. I lay on my bed that I am currently sharing with my sister, she is out cold when I slowly sneak out the door and head towards the room Carlos and Camilla are sharing to find out more of Camilla's dirty secrets. The door is a crack open and I take it as in invitation to go in. I push the door slowly to make sure it doesn't creak and wake them up. I open the door wide enough for me to squeeze through. I walk towards the bed they are sleeping in when I discover that Camilla isn't there but instead was being substituted with a fluffy pillow.

I look in every nook and cranny around the house but end up back at the foot of the bed they were supposed to be sharing without any answers as to why Camilla isn't there. I paused and listened closely and began to hear soft footsteps coming towards the door, which I left wide open. The footstep got closer before they stoped and I heard a bag drop. I turned around to see Camilla with lipstick smeared all over her lips and red marks on her neck and near her collarbone. "Camilla?" I began in confusion.

"I can explain." was all she answered with before I walked out of the room and locked myself in the bathroom.

I heard her bang on the door for what felt like hours. "Amanda it isn't what it looks like! Please let me in!" thank god both Rosie and Carlos were deep sleepers or explaining this would be very awkward. I opened the door with tears threatening to fall. Why was everyone so focused on hurting people in my family? First Andrew then my mother now my godfather?!

"What is it? What could you possibly say Camilla?" I asked impatiently

"Please don't tell Carlos." she requested simply as if it meant nothing.

"What! Are you insane?! Why would I not tell my own godfather that he is being cheated on. Give me one good answer!"

"Rosie."

I froze and she noticed. She had the advantage, she knew I would do anything to keep Rosie safe from reality.

"What about her?" I whispered.

"According to you, this never happened. You never saw me sneak in or out. We never had this discussion. And Rosie will never know that her father is a whore. Deal?" she reached out her hand waiting for me to shake it. I thought, long and hard for what felt like lifetimes.
I had to decide between which family member I held dearest which wasn't very simple or easy.

One decision could ruin the life of someone I loved, and it wasn't going to be my sweet Rosaline.

"Deal."