a/n- kind of an intense chapter, but real ideas/issues are addressed in this chapter as well. keep in mind, these are some things people dealing with the same issues as Cara (not trying to spoil) really go through. i think they deserve a lot more respect than they're given, to be honest.

this is kind of a different chapter, it's more so about feelings (hopefully that'll make sense later on in the chapter). although this entire story really is kind of an emotional journey there really won't be any chapters like this one, so if this was kind of a downer-chapter for you then don't worry about it too much ahaha.

alright, i hope you guys enjoy this one.

stay happy,

xbri

-

[ cara ]

"Wake up, skank."

A hand slapped across my right cheek, dragging me right out of my sleep and upright in my bed, breathing hard. I blinked once or twice, rubbing my eyes and placing my hand to my red, stinging cheek. I looked up at the girl in front of me, my heart stopping for a moment. "Elena?"

She rolled her eyes slightly, hands folded across her chest. My lips parted and for a second I'd expected myself to scream, or burst into tears or show some sort of emotion, but I didn't. No words came out of my mouth, not even a breath escaped me. "T-This isn't real. It can't be, I'm-"

Elena squinted at me, and scoffed. This is real. I'm here, okay, I'm standing in front of you, this is happening. This is real.."

I shook my head, sliding off of my bed and walking across the hallway and towards the stairs leading to the kitchen- I needed some ice water. "This is not real. You're missing, we don't know where you are. I'm dreaming, and when I wake up you'll be gone."

The sound of footsteps padding behind me let me know that all my sister was doing was following me down the stairs- my heart started to pick up. Why the hell was she intimidating me? "Wow. You sound like you want me gone, to be honest. You'd probably be happy if I really left forever, wouldn't you?"

"You're not real." I repeated to myself, over and over. Everything about this just seemed wrong, that was how i was able to tell that this couldn't have been real, that this had to be a dream. There was a feeling in my stomach, in my gut. This didn't feel like actuality.

Elena laughed, as if she were trying to lighten the mood and the tension in the room, yet all the sound did was make my palms start to sweat. She sounded angry. And I was for lack of a better word, scared shitless. "Would you or would you not be happy if I were to say, disappear forever?"

I breathed deeply, in and out, as I swung open one of the kitchen cabinets to grab a glass cup for my water. The best, and only thing i could do as of now was go along with the dream, until I woke up. "I don't know what you're trying to say. We're trying to find you. Dad's so insistent on finding you. Everyone is insanely worried about you, Elena, everyone's trying to find you."

"I doubt you were worried." She sauntered up to me, face inches away from mine as I faced the refrigerator, where the water filter was slowly filling my glass. I kept my focus on the water that was slowly beginning to fill to the brim, focusing on trying not to wince. Wake up, Cara, wake up. "I mean, wouldn't it be nice? Having Calum all to yourself? You'd like that, right? You'd like to be Elena Morales for the rest of your life instead of Cara."

My jaw fell open and slack as the glass cup slipped from my hands and crashed against the floor. I winced at the sound, and slowly backed away from the expanding puddle o water on the tiles and the shards of glass dangerously near to my bare feet. I looked up at Elena in shock, seeing that her face was completely void. She looked absolutely emotionless. And it was then that I knew that I was dreaming, that none of this was real- this wasn't my sister I was talking to.

"I need to wake up," I whispered to myself, shaking my head hazily as I pushed past 'Elena' and towards the sink. I quickly twisted the faucet and splashed the cold water gushing from the nozzle onto my face, rubbing it into my pores furiously. Come on, Cara, wake up.

"You're pathetic." She laughed again, coming closer to me and shutting the tap off herself. She grabbed my face in her hands, forcing me to look at her. It was like looking at my own self, but not looking at my own self. It was like looking into the eyes of someone I'd sworn I knew, but not looking into the eyes of someone I'd sworn I knew. It was like looking at a stranger. It was like looking at confusion in the form of a person. Before I'd been able to hold it back, a droplet of water ran from my eye and down my cheek. "It's okay to cry, it's okay." 'Elena' stuck out her bottom lip, wiping the tear off of my cheek with her thumb. "But you know what isn't okay? You being in love with my boyfriend."

I couldn't speak. I shook my head repeatedly, trying to remove my face from her palms, only for her fingertips to dig into my skin harder, gripping tighter. "I'm not surprised though. Nobody's ever loved you the way Calum loves me in your entire life. Not even Mom and Dad. Is that why you're so attached to him? Because he makes you feel good? Because he makes you feel loved?"

My head suddenly felt as if it were beginning to shrink and close in on me, like if she kept talking I'd eventually erupt. None of what she was saying was even true. I didn't actually feel anything for Calum regardless of the show I put up. "I don't know what the hell you're talking about, let me go!"

Her grip on my face only tightened and tightened until my cheeks were pressed up against each other, my lips puckered up until I looked like a damn blowfish. I whimpered in pain and my eyes fell shut.

"Listen to me, Cara," she hissed, her eyes and her tone and everything about her sharp. "someone has to set you straight again, put you back in your place- that's why I'm here. I know you kissed him last night. I know you enjoyed it, I know it made you feel some type of way. You are a replacement, you are my replacement. You are part of a project and this is the only time you will ever be useful, don't you understand that? Calum doesn't love you. Who the hell in their right mind would love you? You're nothing, Cara. You're a shadow. You're a forgotten soul. You're irrelevant. You are nothing. Calum loves me. Everybody loves me, everybody loves the real Elena. You're a decoy. That's all you are. So don't get too comfortable with being me, alright? Because when I come back home, when I take back everything you've stolen from me, you're gonna to go back to being a good-for-nothing, do you understand?"

I sobbed and nodded quickly, tears freely rolling down my cheeks at this point. Part of me was beginning to believe that this was real, that this wasn't a dream, and that I couldn't wake up. I felt sick, I felt beaten up, I felt every negative feeling in the fucking world and I wanted to throw up and cry and go to sleep and not wake up for years. We were sisters. We were different. Sometimes, we hated each other. But we never spoke to each other in the way she was speaking to me now.

She released her tight grip on my face and used the excess force to shove me onto the kitchen tiles where I hit my head against a cabinet and began to bleed. And I bled, and I bled, and I bled until all the blood had seeped out of my head and there was nothing left to me but my skull, my bones. She snickered from above me and dropped down to her knees. "What'd I tell you? You're nothing. Nothing but your skin and bones. You're nothing but a failure, a worthless daughter, a horrible sister, a home wrecker, hooking up with and falling in love with her own twin's boyfriend- oh my gosh." she took a minute to laugh at her own words,

"You're just a terrible person in general, Cara."

My entire body was wet with perspiration as I shot upright, screaming at the top of my lungs. My mind only gave me a few seconds to look around the room, at my surroundings, before I was focused once again on screaming. All I could do was scream. I couldn't focus on the fact that I was here, in my bed, in my room, with no sight of Elena. I reached up and felt the top of my head- it was closed. I couldn't feel my skull, yet I continued to scream. I'm a terrible person.

"Elena, listen to me!"

"Elena!"

"What's going- why is she yell-"

"I don't know I-"

"Elena!"

"Elena, stop, listen-"

"El, what's going on?"

All I could hear were fractions of sentences. All I could do was cry. All I could do was scream.

It was in that moment I realized that I was too far gone.

-

"GAD," Doctor Williams hummed, nodding slightly to herself and marking something down in her notebook, before looking back at me, and then at my parents, Emma, and Calum, who were all staring at her in confusion. She cleared her throat. "Generalized Anxiety Disorder."

"Oh my God," Calum ran his hand across his face. Emma bit her lip.

"I-Is this treatable?" Mom asked, her voice sounding rough. She'd been up since I'd woken up from the dream, which was around three a.m. I'd hadn't stopped screaming and crying until at least 3:45, and even then, they hadn't left me alone, and they were exhausted. The dark circles under her eyes and the way my Dad was persistently tapping his foot against the carpet was enough proof.

Calum had been the first to notice me, though. In fact, apparently, he'd been sleeping over last night. I couldn't remember much of the previous day aside from the dream, and a few other things. I remembered the way his kiss felt, how indescribable it was, and how much I overall... enjoyed it- the feeling of being kissed. How it made me feel whole. I clenched my eyes shut tighter for remembering those feelings, for feeling those feelings- I was a terrible person. Apparently, I'd woken him up first, and then my Mom and Dad, and then Calum had called Emma. And then, we'd ended up here.

"I'm afraid it's not as easy as it may seem. I would recommend she attend psychotherapy sessions and or counseling, as that's one of the easier and more common methods of treatment while still being strongly effective." Doctor Williams turned to look at me, but I ket my eyes focused on the carpet below my feet. It was hard to look at anyone at the moment. I hadn't told my parents, or Emma, or even Calum about the dream. If I had, it would've made everything ten times as complicated. I stayed silent. "As for actual medications, of course there is always antidepressants, buspirone, benzodiazepines, etcetera. I'd recommend she stick with antidepressants for now, but-"

"And how much would those be?" Dad interrupted.

Doctor Williams sighed. "I'd say around $1,000 for a three month supply."

I rolled my lips back anxiously. They were already paying so much for Elena's investigation.

Emma whistled. "Holy shi-"

"Is this really not just a phase that she may eventually get over?" Mom brought her hand up to cover her now wobbling lips. My heart ached.

"If you'd like, Mr. and Mrs. Morales, I'd be happy to go over with some more background information of the topic outside of the room? It looks like Elena may need a little bit of space as of now." Doctor Williams said, bringing her hand up to brush my overgrown bangs from out of my eyes and smiling at me sympathetically.

And so Mom, Dad and Doctor Williams left the room, leaving me with Emma and Calum. Emma reached over and placed her hand on my shoulder, "I'm gonna go listen in on what she has to say, okay?"

I nodded.

Emma sighed and squeezed my shoulder tightly before following my parents and the doctor out of the room. It was silent for a few minutes, only the sounds of Calum and I breathing, and the occasional sniffle from me.

Calum finally moved to sit next to me on my bed, "How long?"

I turned to him. "What?"

"Was that your first..?"

"Oh. No." I shrugged half-heartedly. "Not exactly."

"...Why didn't you tell me? Did it have something to do with what we talked about last night?"

Why didn't I tell him? Why didn't I tell anyone? Had I really allowed it to come to this? At some point, I should've realized that episodes like those weren't normal- I should've called for help. I shook my head. "I don't know."

Calum turned to look at me. "I'm worried about you, El."

"I am too."

"Do you want to go out? Do you want me to get you anything?"

I could feel the tears beginning to clutter my eyesight once again, so I brought the back of my hand up to wipe them away. I avoided his gaze and shook my head, laying down on my bed once again and pulling the covers up to my chin. "I don't know."

I peeked up at Calum who had remained silent and his face visibly fell even more at the sight of my tears. Without saying anything, he slid underneath the covers after me and outstretched his arm, wrapping it around my waist until he was simply spooning me. I shut my eyes and allowed my mind to take me back to the day before. I remembered the sunset, I could still taste the ocean- like it was today. I remember how he listened to me when I needed someone to just sit there, just listen. I remember how it felt to be understood, to be heard out and not ridiculed. I remember the words he said, I remember how calm he made me feel. I remember how real but meaningful every word he said was. I trembled slightly. "We'll just lay here together, then, alright? I'm not going to leave you alone."

I nodded.

"El, you were fine last night. What happened?"

And then I sobbed. And after the sob left my lips, that was it. I couldn't control the stream of tears that had started to pour out of my eyes. I felt her cold and bony hands gripping my face and the way I bled out a river and the sound of her voice, venomous, calling me pathetic, calling me worthless. My hands started to shake, and soon enough, so did my body. It was like nothing I'd ever felt before- I was petrified. I felt like.. I felt like I couldn't breathe. A mix of swear words left Calum's mouth, probably at the realization that he'd just hit a large nerve, and he leaned over my body to get a look at my face. "Hey, hey, it's alright."

I hiccuped and sobbed repeatedly, hand moving up to cover my mouth. It was embarrassing- crying was embarrassing. Crying, tears- they showed a completely different side of a person. They show a person's vulnerability, and hopelessness. Was this what anxiety was? Was it really this painful?

Disapprovingly, he removed my hand from my face and tucked my head underneath his chin, continuing to rub his back. "Don't stop yourself from crying. I'm sorry, okay? You don't have to tell me anything right now. I'll be here when you're ready. Sh, don't cry, baby."

I cried harder. I cried twice as hard, knowing that it felt good to be in his arms, to have Calum call me baby, to have him rub circles on my back and to have him spoon me in bed underneath the duvet. It felt good to actually feel like I was were worth something to somebody, it felt good to feel like somebody loved me and actually cared about me, even if all the love wasn't really meant for me. Even if it was all solely meant for Elena. It felt good to feel it for once. I hated how selfish I was being. What was happening to me?

I continued to cry. And Calum continued to hold me, and rub my back, and he kissed the top of my head. And I continued to hate myself for feeling the way I was feeling.

Once I'd finally gotten ahold of myself, I exhaled deeply. "Calum?"

"I'm here, El."

"I'm sorry." I bit my lip, squeezing my eyes shut. "I don't, I don't-"

I was clutching onto his t-shirt while he rocked the both of us back and forth slowly, hand stroking my hair. I was beginning to drift off- I was exhausted. Sleep never sounded so good. All I wanted was to go back and never agree to making this decision, because feeling like this? Feeling like a traitor? Feeling like a selfish, home wrecker? It was like running through the fires of hell, it felt awful. It made me want to throw up.

My eyes started to flutter shut, and my grip on Calum's tear-stained t-shirt loosened, until I simply wasn't gripping it at all, until I simply wasn't thinking at all. I felt like I was on a high, was that what anxiety did?

"I love you, Elena, alright? I love you." He reassuringly whispered into my ear, and it was really just then I realized that the two of us were so close. My legs were tangled with his, my chest was pressed into his, my head was laying against his neck, his chin on top of my head. I whimpered at how tightly he held me, like he wasn't at all willing to let me go. I was overcome with a sense of jealousy, knowing that this was a feeling Elena got to feel all the time. This was a euphoric feeling couples all over the world got to feel all the time, but only a feeling I'd get to experience for so much longer until Elena was found. After that, after she was found, I'd feel empty and lonely again. I felt selfish, it felt wrong to feel this way. I hated myself for it. Did this mean I wanted Calum for myself?

I was a horrible person.

"That feels so good." I whispered, mainly to myself, as I continued to clutch onto his t-shirt as if it were my anchor.

"What feels so good?"

I exhaled shakily. "Being told that you're loved."

His hand found mine, locking our fingers together. The words he said next nearly sent me into another set of tears,

"You deserve to hear it more then. Good people deserve good things."