Book: The Rebel Angel by BaronArkanghel

Reviewer: kaywa52

TITLE: 3/5

I think the title is simple and good. It could posibly be more unique (I've seen other books with similar names) but I think it also suits your book well.

However, after some reconsideration, I think you should looko into another title. Simply because you allude to something bad happening in the blurb, right? Well, does that have anything to do with Don rebelling? Maybe it does and I'm wrong. But, it doesn't hurt for me to try :).

COVER: 2/5

To be honest, I don't think the cover matches your book. Just the feel and look of it. This cover looks like it would be for a mystery book or something of the like. There's nothing heavenly or hellish about it, which is weird since one of your main characters is a literal fallen angel. Your cover should reflect what's in your books, but it doesn't seem to do that.

BLURB: 3/5

Ok, first question. Is there some sort of ulterior motive to mentioning the fact that Don is "the blonde son" of the angel Azazel? It seems unnecessary, unless there's something unusual about him being blonde.

Furthermore, I think you have all of the necessary base points in your blurb. But, the only problem is the grammar and probably more enticing lines at the end. Let me give you an example about the grammar.

"He lived through battles-let it be war between Heaven and Hell or World wars, the internal battle he endured from the deaths of the people he loved- which scarred him but won't break his spirit."

This is your sentence from your blurb. The way you have it makes it a run-on sentence. You have misplaced punctuation and some is just missing entirely. Here's the edited sentence:

"He had lived (had lived because you started out in past tense; something I'll get to in a moment) through multiple battles. Let it be war between Heaven and Hell, World Wars, or the internal war he endered from the deaths of the people he loved—which scarred him, but won't break his spirit."

See?

Also, you've switched between the tenses here. You started with past tense, then you moved onto present tense. You need to pick one, or else your readers will be confused.

Then at the end you mention an "impending doom". Well, what does this doom have to do with Don or even Mallory? Explain that.

Also, if you do decide that your story will be third person omniscent (something I explain in more detail later), you should also include a bit about Mallory in your blurb. He is one of the other main characters, after all. It doesn't have to be much—just necessary stuff we should know before we start reading.

GRAMMAR AND VOCABULARY: 9/15

Ok, you have quite the amount of grammar mistakes here as well. Sometimes you phrase things weirdly (or wrongly) and punctuation was misused at times (mainly in the first few chapters). There were times when the tenses changed again. And, then, again stuff that didn't make sense, like this sentence:

"Don woke into another dream..."

He woke up and had another dream? Do you mean that he was shifted into a different scene but he was still sleeping? There were other sentences similar to this too.

Then, there were repetitions. Like, once you stated that "He looks like what Snow White would look like if she was a hooker." You repeated the same phrase twice in a sentence. I mean, this is a tricky sentence to begin with, to be honest, but you definitely want to avoid repetitions in your writing.

Easy fixes to all of this. One, a grammatical checker. It could pick up on almost all of your mistakes, especially the ones that include punctuation and weirdly phrased sentences. Then, a reread through your story. That way you can pick up on those repetitions and complicated sentences!

OPENING: 6/10

Honestly, I like your opening since it's interesting and it invites me in to read more (all necessary qualities for the beginning), but I really think it's the only thing you need to look over. Why? Well, your later chapters are in much better quality (better grammar, less mistakes, more allure) than the first. Like, the next chapter is always better then the last, you know? This is why it's important to look over your work, even when you're miles away from the beginning. Your writing evolves with time. So, your first chapter won't stand a chance on your most recent one. That why it's good to freshen up those old ones.

WRITING PLAN: 9/10

I like your writing style! It's...simple but not plain. It's not boring, which is good. You have animation in your writing, even without fancy words or crazy, complicated sentences with like twenty words. You rely a lot on dialogue, but your descriptions are good when you write them. And, you describe all the necessary things, so I never feel robbed of a scene or a setting. Great job!

DIALOGUE: 8/10

Ok, so your dialogue definitely got better as I continued reading. There were grammactical mistakes with punctuation and dialogue tags in the first two, but then there weren't any in the others, which is good. Also, the first thing Don says sounds a bit...unrealistic. That's really the only problems your have here. So, good job!

PLOT 9/10

Though I haven't gotten to the core of the plot yet, I know that you know where you're going. I was all ready to point out that fact the Don keeps getting a lot of dreams—too many to have in a short span of time—but, after reaching the end of chapter 5, it sounds like you're doing it on purpose. Almost like something is happening to Don, which is very good and subtle foreshadowing. You almost fooled me.

Besides, I think your plot is going good. It's going a bit slow in my opinion, but you also have enough allure to keep me going, which is really all you need. Everything balances itself out, so I don't believe you have to worry about much here!

CHARACTERS: 6/10

Your characters...well, I can't say that I've grown attached to them really. I like Don's sarcasam and witty remarks, of course. I honestly can't wait to learn more about his powers though, which we have barely seen. Can't say too much about Mallory yet. That's not a bad thing, necessarily. It's just an observation on my part. It's your choice if you want to add more character.

Also, are you purposely writing in third person omniscent? Because sometimes you switch to Mallory's pov then back to Don's. If the answer is yes, don't be scared to switch. 'Cause, if you do it scarcely, you're making it seem like you're jumping between pov's too suddenly. Know what I mean? Most readers withdraw themselves from books like that.

COMPREHENSION: 9/10

Again, I understood everything perfectly in the later chapters. It's just the first few you have to work on, which I have already provided a solution for. Rereading and overlooking your work. Changing it so that it's the best it can possibly be, especially since the first few chapters are the most crucial.

ENGAGEMENT: 7/10

For engagement, It's going steady for me. My mind isn't screaming, "OMG I NEED TO KEEP READING," but it also isn't ready to give up and move on to something else. Of course, I'm sure the more exciting stuff will happen later, buttt, I'm still gonna give some advice.

See, you've basically set yourself for some action or magic and superpowers. I mean, Don is the son of a fallen angel, so we all expect to see his magic and what he can do. So far, we've seen that he can magically put himself on a guest list and can use telepathy to toss a guy against a counter and knock over a girl's drink. But there's nothing else in the later chapters, which is weird (excusing the fact that he can sober up quickly. This is only a suggestion, of course, that you include more of his abilities. I assume you do in the later chapters, but make sure there's some of that in the earlier ones too. Readers (or, maybe just me) love that. And, they love trying to figure out abilities and the like. It's exciting.

TOTAL: 71/100

So, let's sum this up.

Really, all I think you should do is get a grammatical checker and reread your story and smooth it out. You can also look at my other bits of advice (like the abilities, the cover, the title) and consider adding them in.

Also, you've asked that I go over the pros and cons, so I've decided to make a list (because I'm soooo organized):

Pros:
• You work well with your writing style
• You have a good plot so far
• Your grammar got better with time
• Your dialogue also got better with time
• You are good at writing descriptions
• You're good at foreshadowing
• You have great groundwork for your story

Cons:
• The first few chapters need to be edited
• Point of views
• Cover doesn't seem to match the story
• Repetition
• Could use more character personality
• Title could match the story more
• Your blurb needs a little touching up

And, that's it. I hope this helped you someway, and I wish you luck on your writing journey!

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