Book: The Alpha's Assassin by _Queen_Aphrodite

Reviewer: Kaywa52

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T I T L E: 5/5

I think your title is great! It relates to the story in more then one way (well, I haven't read it yet, but it definitely matches your blurb which is good). It's not too unique, which is really the only downside, but that isn't much of a worry. As long as your story is good, and your title relates to the story, you're doing a good job.

C O V E R: 5/5

The cover, as well, is beautiful. It also relates to both the story and the other two of the three major compotents to getting readers' attentions (title, cover, and blurb). Again, I've seen some similar covers, but I think this one still suits your story.

B L U R B: 4/5

Your blurb is also good! It introduces both the plot and the main character well! My only observation is that it seems like something is missing...it just doesn't feel too alluring or interesting. Like, tell us more about Diana! We know she's human and an assassin but, is that really all she is? How would you introduce her to someone who knows nothing about her? Is she sweet? Does she like her job? Has she ever wished for something more?

G R A M M A R/V O C A B U L A R Y: 11/15

You have good grammar and vocabulary, but there are times when you phrase your sentences weirdly.

Take this one for example:

"Their appearance flaunted over rather than their techniques in killing a man."

You have two different comparison phrases here. "Over," and "rather than." This sentence should be:

"Their appearance flaunted over their techniques in killing a man."

Or you can say:

"Their appearance flaunted them rather their techniques in killing a man." (I think the former is a better sentence, though.)

Furthermore, sometimes you use punctuation wrong. Like, you'll use a comma instead of a period, creating a run-on sentence. Or you'll put an em dash (—) where it isn't needed. Then, you have unnecessary repetitions where you'd use the word "man" four times in the same paragraph when you could've used "he". I understand that you probably don't want the reader to be confused about who you're talking about, but, when there is only one man in the room, it is obvious. Your readers are smart and are able to piece things together!

Most of this could be solved with a grammatical checker. It'll catch most of those wrongly worded sentences as well as the misused punctuation. The repetition, however, may need a hands on approach. And, by that I mean rereading your story. It'll be easier when you are reading through your story as if you were a first time reader to catch those sneaky mistakes!

S T R U C T U R E: 5/10

Ok, this is a segment I don't usually have in my reviews, save for special cases like this one.

By structure, I mean how you separate your paragraphs. Sometimes, you have two paragraphs for something that should be one because they both hold the same topic. Like, in chapter two when you were describing the lunch area for the assassins. You had one paragraph describing, then you had a second basically continuing where you left off. And that left an awkward break that shouldn't have been there to begin with.

I also saw this in your blurb but didn't mention it simply because it didn't seem to big of a deal since the spacing carried suspense and allure. But, in the book it's more important to know when to start and end a paragraph.

Then you also have times where you jump from one thing to another then back again, which makes it unorganised. And, it's also quite confusing.

There's an easy way to find these awkward gaps. You have to reread your story thoroughly and ask yourself, "Should that be separated? Can this paragraph be combined with the prior? Would that sound better?"

D I A L O G U E: 6/10

For dialogue, you mostly have an issue with dialogue tags. One, sometimes you used periods instead of commas when there was a dialogue tag. Like here:

"Diana, I'm sure David has informed your reassignment." She began.

This is incorrect. When you use dialogue tags (words like said, asked, began, etc.) you always use a comma. You can use exclamation points and question marks too sometimes since they act like commas in dialogue, but never the period. Here's the edited sentence (yes, I also fixed a wording mistake here):

"Diana, I'm sure David has informed you of your reassignment," she began.

See?

Two, it's ok to use the word "said". I've noticed that you use a lot of created dialogue tags like commented, remarked, began. I assume this is because you don't want to use the same word over and over but, when you use these words too often, it starts to sound weird. And, in some of the instances you used them, it just doesn't make since. Here you say:

"No, but he will be here shortly," Meredith remarked.

That's not a remark. A remark is like a comment or an observation. "Said" would be better or even "informed".

P L O T: 7/10

Your plot is definitely intricate. It's different from the other books I've seen in your genre, which is definitely good. You always want your book to stand out. I can tell that you have something up your sleeves with this book, and I'm curious to find out where it leads! My only complaint is that the tempo is passing by slowly. This could be from how you separate your chapters and stuff that could probably be omitted from your story to make it flow smoothly.

W R I T I N G   S T Y L E: 7/10

You have an exceptional talent for descriptions. Even if you lack in other areas, you have a knack at this and I honestly admire how well you are at describing people and scenes. It's normally one of the things most writers have trouble with adding details. However, you don't have to worry about such a thing.

Really, all you need a little practice for is dialogue. Sometimes it doesn't sound too realistic and you use a lot of dialgoue tags (not saying that it's bad to use dialogue tags, but it's getting really repetitive in your story). Also, your paragraphs are out of place sometimes and your writing doesn't flow like a stream. But, regardless, I know you can do both because you're clearly an amazing writer.

C O M P R E H E N S I O N: 6/10

This is basically a repeat of what I've already said. Some sentences were worded weirdly and the organization of some paragraphs had me confused. Other than that, I understood the core part of the story and the message you were trying to get across, which is the good thing.

C H A R A C T E R S: 5/10

I feel as if I haven't gotten to know your characters that well yet. Of course, it has only been a few chapters, but I haven't grown emotional toward Diana much. Like, in the prologue I could definitely tell you that I like Soren. Why? Because he is brave and caring and willing to do whatever it takes, even in the face of danger. Soren is a good man. Diana? Well, I know she is often insecure. And that she's afraid of Alpha Blaine, but, wouldn't everyone be? The way you've introduced Soren is more intriguing than the way you've introduced Diana. I thik you should apply the same that you did for Soren onto Diana! Knowing the characters is one of the most important things in a story.

E N G A G E M E N T: 6/10

My allure to your story is average right now. The prologue made me excited, definitely, but the later chapters don't keep my attention as well as that one. I believe it's because I'm not engrossed in the story. I mean, again, I don't know Diana that well and nothing unique or interesting has happened yet (save for her being chosen by an Alpha), which makes me uninterested in her story.

T O T AL:
67/100

Ok, let's sum it up.

For grammar and vocabulary, you have repetition, wordy sentences, and misused punctuation, all of which I suggested a grammatical checker for and rereading your story. Then, your paragraphs don't flow well. Another thing to be solved by reading through your story (and, not skimming, but reading thoroughly). This way you can reorder the paragraphs, find stuff your book could do better without, and catch some typos in the process. You can also add in those character traits I was talking about wherever you see an opening to do so. You also need to go over dialogue and take note of the points I made there.

But, really, that's it. See? It's not a lot when I put it in a single paragraph for you, is it? You have a good story here, and all you need is a touching up to make it the best it could possibly be. I know you'll be able to do it be you're talented at writing. I wish you luck on your writing journey!

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