I cant look myself in the mirror anymore. All I would see are dark circles under bloodshot eyes. They are no longer a vibrant hazel. Now a depressed blue color.

I'm mostly human except for my elven eyes. They change color depending on personality. My ancesters were lucky enough to be fertile since most hybrids aren't. 1/16 of my blood is elven. I have no pointed ears, but do look younger than I am, not accounting for my short height.

My hair is the only thing I like about my reflection anymore. It's long and soft as silk. It used to be chopped short, but I was forced to grow it out. Lately though, I have taken to chewing it whenever I am more nervous than usual.

I have to wear dresses now. I would have been more opposed to it if I were younger, but I've gotten used to it now. It's easier if I don't fight back.

Everyday I have to speak for the Emperor when he has discussions with foreigners. I decided to test something. Leave a word out, or switch it with another. Directions were the easiest to do this with. Since no one else in the palace spoke more than two languages, I seldom worried about being ratted out. It was always on the back of my mind though.

Behind closed doors, he is nothing like the character that walks on stage and puts on a show to make everyone think he's great. It's a good act, I'll give him that. Most people outside of the court aren't aware of his true colors.

I am in constant fear and anxiety. After that night, I refused to sleep for a second for fear of what might happen if I closed my eyes for even a minute. My insomnia is fueled by my never ending anxiety. I'm lucky if I get an hour of rest in a single week.

On my "spare time" I study ancient languages that no one speaks or reads anymore. I figure if I can't sleep, I might as well do something productive. It keeps me distracted from the constant fear.

The Emperor is unpredictable and inconsistent in his actions. You never know what will set him off or when. He would snap even if you did nothing wrong. It's a whole different kind of horror. The lingering fear keeps you on edge, wondering when the monster will appear.

The palace is especially terrifying at night. No one dares to go into the West wing in the dark hours. The sounds alone are enough to fuel nightmares for weeks. I've purposely gone out of my way just to avoid getting near it. It reminds me too much of what happens. It's horrifying.

What happens down there? You ask.

...I'm not going to grace it with a description.

I haven't seen CJ in a year now. The Emperor has slowly been limiting my interactions with other people. The elves are the only ones I ever get to talk to anymore.

The girls have certainly taken their situation better than I have. Despite being depressed, their emotional state is relatively consistent.

As for me, I'm not what you'd call a mentally stable person. My grief was at its peak when it happened, which is most likely what the emperor intended.

My mental stability is evident in my eyes. Their color ranges from dark blue to blood red. Anger, frustration, and hopeless is all I've felt for the last three years. It comes in waves.

I'm at my worst when my eyes are red. It is when people notice me most. They see a violent, bratty, and spoiled child. She's screaming, fighting, and arguing with a figure of utmost athority. He's constantly restraining the insolent child.

What is she really?

She's frustrated, and desperate for someone to take her away. She wants to be noticed so people will wonder if she's like this for a reason. She hates to be touched by anyone. She purposely tests his patience so he might snap, and let go of the act. Slam the girl down in a fit of frustration and anger. So everyone can see his true character. But he never does.

She's an exhausted, anxiety ridden, insomniac who doesn't know how to cope. Uncomfortable in her own skin, and out of place. She wants to leave. Be anywhere but here. All she can do is scream, hoping someone will hear her silent cry for help.

My eyes are a dark blue right now. I'm an empty shell. I'm submissive, obedient, and unmotivated. If I were a ghost, you wouldn't be able to tell. The resemblance is uncanny.

I need to leave. I'll go insane if I am here for much longer.