Grade Nine - Semester One

Grade 9 is when it most things start. The real beginning of your life is always in high school. It's full of heartbreak, backstabbing, stress and finding yourself along the way. You lose some friends you've known forever, and you make some that will stick with you, even after high school ends. You date and break up, not learning from your mistakes and dating again, only to get your heart broken. You get wasted at parties and wake up feeling like shit the next day, but a few days later you're already waiting in anticipation to be invited to another. Your teenage years shouldn't be wasted because you're worried to have fun or worried to live a little because you'll regret not doing it when you're married out of university and moving in with your partner, expecting a kid not long after. As shit as your teenage years may be with all that you're feeling or going through, they're some of the best years of your life. They can shape you into who you will become.

High school is everything and nothing like the movies all at the same time. It's the same drama and same problems but handled in a more reasonable way. Kids get pregnant and then vanish from the school without a word. Rumours get spread and the person they're about may never find out until years later, realizing that's what everyone thought about them. Trust is broken time and time again. You tell your best friend something and they tell their friends and then everyone knows, it's like a small fire you ignited that you could keep under control, but a gust of wind came by and engulfed everything around it, spreading it rapidly and you're the one getting burned.

The very beginning of high school, your grade 9 year, is especially hard. Trying to find where you fit in in this new environment. The change from elementary school where you all kept your bags and outdoor shoes on racks in the hallway and stayed in one class the entire day, to lockers and switching classes four times a day. From having two lunches and two recesses and absolutely no homework, to one lunch period and mountains of homework every night. It was easier to fit in back then, your friend groups were constantly changing, you were less judgemental of those around you, but high school, that all changes. Judgement seems to be the only thing people are focused on. What you wear, how you look, how you talk and walk, your friends, your grades and even your hobbies. It can feel like you are under a microscope by those around you.

Specifically, grade 9 was a terrible year for Adeline. Transitioning from elementary school to high school can be very hard on a 13-year-old, especially one that was socially awkward and had trouble making friends. She was hopeful that her friends would remain the same and they would have almost all their classes together, but that was not the case. Her very first high school class was math that she had with her best friend at the time, Quinn. Before their classes started on the first day, they walked around, making sure that they both knew where their classes were, so they didn't have to rely on each other to find them. This helped ease her nerves a little, but she wasn't prepared to be in new classes all on her own.

The first class went by smoothly, the teacher was funny but loud and a bit obnoxious. Her friend went off to her second-period class and she went down to the guidance office because there was an issue with her timetable, she didn't even have a second-period class. She spent the whole period sitting and waiting, and finally, just as lunch began, she was able to get it fixed. Rushing from the guidance office, she went to her locker to get her lunch, then met her friends in the stairwell. They sat on the window ledge and talked about how different it was there and how their second-period class was. It felt like they were back in elementary school, all together eating lunch and laughing, but the feeling that something was off lingered over all of them.

-

The worst class was Phys Ed. Adeline would always change in the bathroom, hidden in the stalls for no one to see, just as she did back in elementary school. Insecurity was her enemy, especially when it came to gym class. She never really felt insecure about her body, she knew she wasn't fit, but she didn't weigh all that much anyway, so she hadn't given it much thought. She was more worried about her seeing other people half-naked, or them seeing her, but for all the wrong reasons. Adeline didn't want others to judge her, or to find herself comparing her body to others, then have them accuse her of staring when she didn't mean to at all.

When it came to actually having to be active, she didn't really try, in fear that she would be ridiculed if she made the wrong move or tried too hard and failed. Effort wasn't her strong suit in this class, especially when she felt discouraged by bitchy classmates. Usually, she would hang out at the back of the group, avoiding the centre of chaos while working out or playing games. She was surrounded by others much like herself when she was in the back. Most of them were art students, or very book smart, unathletic people, all unenthusiastic about the sports they were forced to play. They were constantly pulling down their sleeves or their arms were covered in bracelets, but she didn't understand why until she was caught staring and one of them came over.

"Hey, do you cut yourself?" The girl asked and she was taken aback. Adeline had seen her around before, she was short with dark red hair that was always in a low ponytail and her name was Malerie. She opened her mouth to speak but just shook her head quickly. "Oh, okay." And just like that she walked back to her friends and sat down. At this point, her face was a dark red from embarrassment. She didn't know why this girl would ask her such a thing; did she give off that sort of vibe?

-

Quickly she came to realize that she didn't fit in, not at school at least. She submerged herself into communities online, mostly fandoms she related to. People online were much more open with their struggles than in person, there's always something easier about typing out how you feel rather than actually saying it. Soon enough, she was pulled into a place she never thought she'd find herself. It was the darker side of the internet, and I don't mean the dark web full of illegal, creepy bad shit, I'm talking about the dark, depressing side of it all.

Through talking to some people online, she came to the conclusion that when she couldn't sleep at night because she was stricken with fear that she was going to die, they were panic attacks. She related to a lot of people online with their dark, depressing quotes. They made her feel like she wasn't alone, that there were others out there feeling the same way as her. It was comforting. Thus, she created her own account to support and relate to people as well. It wasn't long after that she came across some pictures, she didn't relate to at all, the ones of mutilated skin and scars. The thought lingered in her mind for a while, but she wasn't strong enough to do something like that and she knew it. She knew something pretty terrible would have to happen for her to be pushed to do that.

A little while later, maybe a few weeks, something did happen. The events that occurred before were a blur, probably a terrible day at school, but she was full of panic. Her mind was racing, but there was only one prominent thought, one terrible urge she couldn't resist. Nobody was home so she rummaged around, trying to find something, anything sharp enough. She knew a knife from the kitchen wouldn't work, they could barely cut the vegetables they bought. Eventually, she found an old blade from a box cutter, she tried and tried, but the blade was worn down and dull.

Running to the bathroom, she closed and locked the door, knowing her parents would be home at any given moment. She worked for quite some time, trying to get the blade from the plastic razor casing. It was much harder than she thought it would be, cutting the tips of her fingers several times. She heard the front door open and slipped the top of the razor she was working on into her pocket, burying the bottom part in the garbage so no one would see. She flushed the toilet, pretending that she had just used the bathroom and that she didn't lock herself in there for no reason.

Greeting her parents with a warm smile, she told them about her boring day at school then went into her room and read until they went into their room for the night. She told them she was going for a shower, which wasn't a total lie.

Turning on the shower, she locked the door and finished pulling the razor apart, tossing the plastic pieces in the trash and getting in. It wasn't the first thing on her mind, or maybe she was avoiding it, but she washed her hair and then her body and stood under the warm water, staring at the two blades. Finally, she picked one up, running her thumb other the flat side of the small piece of metal, then bringing it to her right arm. She just held it there for what seemed like an eternity, then pushed down and pulled the blade across slowly. Holding her breath, she watched as it began to bleed lightly, then put the blade down and quickly washed away the blood. She got out of the shower not long after, one was enough, for now, she knew she couldn't handle it. For now. She dried herself off and got into bed, thinking about what she had just done, about what she had just started, eventually drifting off to sleep.

Constantly she would find herself running her fingers over the cut under her sleeve. As much as it had hurt, she wanted more. A little while later, when she got home, her parents were fighting. They were yelling and screaming until they were blue in the face. Slamming doors and stomping through the house until there was a still silence, one that had you on edge, anticipating the next blow.

There she laid on her bed crying, not wanting the fighting to continue, but it did all night. She waited until her sister fell asleep, then sat on the edge of her bed, her legs dangling onto the closet. The blade found its way back to between her fingers, hovering over her arm. This time she was extremely upset. She wished her parents would just split up at this point, the fighting all the time was unbearable. Slowly, as she had done once before, she pulled the blade across her delicate skin, her heart racing in her chest. She did it several times and watched as the blood spilled out slowly. They weren't too deep, she was still new to all this, trying to decide how she felt about it.

She wiped the blood away with an old dark purple shirt and hid it in the back of her closet. They had stopped bleeding, so she rolled down her sleeves and laid back in her bed, feeling every sting of pain as her parents argued in the next room.

Adeline kept it up for some time, this secret was one just for herself. In gym class, she only wore long sleeves, trying to hide the mess she had made. Volleyball was by far the worst to play in Phys Ed., the ball having to hit her wrists in order to send it back, but she smiled and pretended she couldn't feel it. One of the days in her class, her worst fear had come true. Adeline finally became comfortable enough to try and participate (well, that and her grade was suffering because of her lack of enthusiasm) and she had fucked up kicking a ball properly in soccer baseball. She tried to laugh it off, looking to her friends in the class who were also laughing and shaking their heads, so she thought everything was fine, nobody cared. That was until a girl made a comment to her friends and they all started laughing at Adeline. She felt so small, she just wanted to curl up in a ball right there and cry, but she didn't want to seem weak, so she just looked down at the ground and stood over by her friends.

-

Her birthday rolled around, the beginning of November. She was excited to be another year older, but always dreaded it. She never expected anything big because she knew she would be left with disappointment. That year she got a cake and a special dinner, but that was all. No presents, nothing of the sort, but she was grateful for what she had, so she couldn't complain.

In high school, your love interests change every day it seems. This boy, Jack, who Adeline met on only her second day of school caught her attention. He wasn't all that interesting to look at, but hell was he ever funny. They talked in their non-traditional art class together almost every day, but nothing seemed to progress, and she knew it never would, but she enjoyed his company. She moved on with her feelings to a guy she had dated momentarily in elementary school (by momentarily, I mean exactly a few hours) who was also in that class, she tried to engage in conversation with him, but he did not seem all that interested in her, which she didn't mind. Adeline didn't want to be with someone just yet, she didn't want to have to expose all her secrets and she assumed they would break up soon enough anyway.

Phys Ed. class seemed to be the worst class she had, not only because she hated it, but the most awful things seemed to happen. They were in the workout room one day, she and Quinn were messing around with the equipment. Adeline sat on one of the machines, unsure of what it did, lifting her arms up to grab the handles, but as she did, her sleeves fell down and she quickly pulled them down to her lap, making sure her sleeves went back down. Quinn saw everything that had happened and encouraged Adeline to try again, but Adeline knew she saw and made up some excuse saying she knew she wasn't strong enough to, and they moved on to another contraption.

Exams came up rather quickly, and she was extremely stressed, but her friends came together and tried to study, but got distracted as usual. With her friends, she could laugh and enjoy herself, but she always felt excluded somehow, like she wasn't important, and they wouldn't notice if she was gone. But just like that, her friend group started to diminish, and with only three of them left, she still felt like an outcast.