When we got to r/PlatinumSquad, lots of snoolsonas were cheering for us. Unfortunately, u/SexUndShit had become famous, too. he had lots of fans cheering for him, too. I noticed that all of us were giants, since we racked up so much nirvana.

"Well, well, well," u/SexUndShit said. "Looks like we are the 2 people that will fight to get the Platinum Award. May the biggest loser win."

"I'll bump you! [1]" I retorted.

u/SexUndShit posted first. It read,

"Hello, everyone. I think I deserve the Platinum Award because I live in an incinerator in the outskirts of Sandusky, Ohio. Every time they want to use it, I have to get myself and my pet ant out. One time, I wasn't fast enough, and my toenail got burned off."

His sympathizing cronies ate the story up, and made him into a giant with their upvotes. How was I supposed to beat that? I thought long and hard. Suddenly, I remembered the response I placed in my pocket. It read,

"Just be yourself, and let the sadness and losses shine through!"

I was finally ready to make my post. It said,

"Hello, fellow redditors. My name is Gene. I think that I deserve the Platinum Award because I lick snow for a living. I live in South Bend, Indiana, and it's terrible there. I live in a one-room house, and syringes keep coming in through my window. I am confident that I am the most pathetic user on Reddit."

My loyal fans gave me as many upvotes as u/SexUndShit.

"Well, then," u/SexUndShit said. "Looks like we have to r/fight for this."

Both teams of supporters were chanting, "r/fight, r/fight!"

"You're on, booger," I said.

We both took our stances. The same snool that put us inside of Reddit told us to fight, but he did it like some sort of higher power.

I made the first move while saying,

"Oh, hello, Mrs. Cleaver. How is the Beaver?" [2]

I slugged u/SexUndShit in the face. He retaliated, saying,

"What's the matter, Doc? Someone pull you through a knot hole?"

u/SexUndShit kicked me in the leg. I wasn't going down that easily, though. I ran towards him and jumped, sending my body flying towards him. When I was about to land my hit, I screamed,

"Love yourself first and everything falls into line."

I rammed into him, scoring a judgmental hit [3]. He was desperate, so he used one of his most devastating fighting tactics: stripping naked. He took off his clothes and danced around. I would describe it, but it was far too inappropriate for a children's cash-grab. We want this to sell, you know.

"Looks like this is the first time you lose, u/runoffdrinker," u/SexUndShit said as he approached me.

He then delivered the most devastating fight tactic known to man: poking me. I fell down, still shivering and crying from the fact that he stripped naked.

"Ha ha ha," the merciless redditor said. "Behold the winner!"

"Not so fast, fat-head," I said as I pulled the plot device out of my pocket. Both my loyal fans and his evil cronies gasped. "You should have gone for the face." [4]

CLICK!

[1]: "Bump" was slang for kill in the 20's.

[2]: Ben is randomly mixing in quotes from TV shows from the 50's. Keep in mind that Ben was on cocaine when he wrote the plot outline.

[3]: This is a substitute for "critical hit"

[4]: This is a reference to Avengers: Infinity War, where Thanos tells Thor, "You should have gone for the head." Ben didn't get the quote right.

~ A Note from the Ghostwriter ~

Hey, I might get out of here alive! I MIGHT SURVIVE! ONLY ONE OR TWO MORE CHAPTERS! WOOHOO!

~