We took a hyperlink to r/mildly cool. Everything there was cool and unique. We saw a robot dinosaur, a blue pumpkin, and even a radioactive turd! 

We were looking for pathetic things, when all of a sudden, a snoolsona with a dark leather jacket and sunglasses came up to us. When the bubblegum he was chewing blew up into a bubble and popped, he started talking.

"Hello, winners," he said with edge. "I have sex."

Everyone gasped at what he said. How could he talk about sex...in public?! [1]

"W-what's wrong with you?" I stammered. "How could you say that?"

"Sex, sex, sex," he replied "Sex is the shit!"

Everyone gasped again. Not only did he talk about sex, but he also swore [2]!

"Oh, yeah," the edgy snoolsona added. "I say 'shit' on TV, too!" [3]

"Dude," u/poopeater19 said. "You're no loser, you're an r/mad guy!" [4]

"I'm the biggest loser of them all," retorted the mysterious snoosona. "I'm going to win the Platinum Award. I'm the most pathetic loser out of all of you winners, and I will do everything I can to make sure you lose for the first time in your lives."

u/MrFartLover almost threw a punch, but we stopped him before we could.

"See you later, winners," the whippersnapper said as he drove off on his wheelybike [5].

While he was driving off, I noticed something in the distance. It was a gray metal box with caution tape running horizontally on the top and bottom. In the center was a big red button labeled, "PLOT DEVICE". The title said that it was a plot device capable of advancing the plot one time, and one time only, where the main characters were in a dire situation. 

I noticed that, now that I was literally inside of the Internet, I could reach in and grab things from images in posts, so I took the plot device. Unfortunately, the person who posted noticed, and chased after us. As we were running, my friends and I somehow tripped over the same hyperlink, which lead to r/ask redditors [6].

[1]: According to my grandmother, talking about sex in public was a big no-no.

[2]: Swearing was also a no-no.

[3]: Swearing on TV was even worse.

[4]: By talking about "r/mad guys", Ben is referring to "r/madlads", a subreddit where people do things that slightly break the rules, for example, taking a picture of a sign that says, "No Pictures", or posting about Android phones in an iPhone community.

[5]: "wheelybike" is what Ben thinks kids call a motorcycle.

[6]: Ben is referring to r/AskReddit, a Q&A subreddit.

~ A Note from the Ghostwriter ~

OH CRAP OH CRAP OH CRAP THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT TURNING THIS INTO A MOVIE PLEASE SAVE ME I HAVE A WIFE AND KIDS

~