Hello, my name is Gene. I live in South Bend, Indiana and I use Reddit a lot. I am 23 years old and have 17,283 nirvana [1] on Reddit. My best friends on Reddit are u/poopeater19 and u/MrFartLover. We talk about many subjects, like memes. We all met 6 years ago when Reddit was still relatively new.

Before I begin, I should explain what Reddit is. Reddit is a social media platform, home to some of the nicest minds on the internet. Nothing bad happens here. It's like heaven. You can post, vote, comment, shop, find love, watch movies, and even get nuclear launch codes if you know where to look [2]. 

When I got home from my job at the snow licking place, I logged onto Reddit, and found that I got a message from u/MrFartLover. It said,

"Hey, u/runoffdrinker, how the heck can we beef this story up?"

I replied, "I do not know. I am not sure how the two of us can fill space in this abomination of a book."

Feeling ashamed of myself for not knowing how to fill up space, I went to bed. 

When I got up the next day, I logged onto Reddit, and saw a notification. It said that the mods were offering the one and only Platinum Award, to someone who shows true despair through their posts. The award looked like this [3]:

My Reddit food [4] exploded with losers saying that they would get the award, but I knew that I was the biggest and most pathetic loser of them all. I was about to tell my friends, but then I realized that they already knew about it. 

"So, guys," I said instead. "Who do you think is going to get the Platinum Award?"

"Definitely me," said u/poopeater19. "I have no life."

"No way!" said u/MrFartLover. "I'm so pathetic, I can't think of a reason why I'm pathetic." 

"Whatever, guys," I said. "Everyone knows I'm the most pathetic out of all of you. I lick snow for a living. 

Everyone replied with surprised imajies [5] and agreed to help me get the award.

[1]: The correct term is "karma"

[2]: Most of this is fake.

[3]: The award being shown is a gold award.

[4]: Ben means "feed"

[5]: Ben means "emojis"

~ A Note from the Ghostwriter ~

SOMEONE PLEASE HELP BEN LOCKED ME IN A DUNGEON POLICE PLEASE FIND ME AND GET ME OUT OF THIS WRETCHED PLACE

~