Everyone in my squad arrived in r/ask redditors. Thousands of curious snoolsonas with glasses set up booths, with a question on top of each booth. As we walked around, we noticed questions like, "Scientists of Reddit, how long does it take to drown somebody with a hammer?" and "Monkey trainers of Reddit, how do I train my army of monkeys to rob a bank?". We stumbled upon the question, "What does the winner of the platinum award get?" A Reddit moderator replied, and they said, 

"If you win the Platinum Award, you get 1 billion Buddha points, $500,000 USD, and you become the US President for as long as you like."

My heart danced with excitement. I was the main character, so I knew I was going to win. I could sit and wait for the award to come to me, but that wouldn't make for a good story, so I continued doing interesting things. You're welcome, reader.

I set up the booth with the question, "How do I become a pathetic loser?" A redditor came by and left an answer. It read, 

"Just be yourself, and let the sadness and losses shine through!"

Ha, like I was falling for that cliché garbage! I put in my pocket, just in case.

My question got lots of nirvana. Because of that, my snoolsona got bigger. The more nirvana you have, the bigger your snoolsona gets.

"Hmph, just what a winner would ask."

I spun around and noticed that edgy snoolsona from before. He looked like the kind of whippersnapper that would not get off your lawn. 

I asked, "What do you want, sailor-mouth?"

He replied, "I'm u/SexUndShit. Nice to meet you."

I could not believe his language, it kept getting worse and worse.

"Stop swearing!" I said.

"Whatever, winner," said u/SexUndShit. "See you later!"

As u/SexUndShit barely escaped a writer's block, he somehow dropped a huge sword. I picked it up, and engraved on its blade were the words, "Property of Buddha. For each foe you kill, your nirvana increases."

Where would I train, though? There was only one place, r/employer fight [1].

[1]: Ben means r/BossFight. It's a subreddit for weird things that look like bosses in video games.

~ A Note from the Ghostwriter ~

Wait...what's that delectable pile of chicken in the corner, radiating with warmth? It was a hallucination... I'M GOING INSANE PLEASE SAVE ME

~