Anna's Suite.
Oredison Palace, Gazda.
The day before the Welcome Dinner.

Kai had just separated from me and moved further down the hallway when Anna appeared in the doorway. For an instant, she stood there, her mouth slightly agape, her eyes wide, and then she was moving towards him. Kai caught her in his arms and held her against his chest. His voice was soft as he said, "Oh, Maman, I came as soon as I could."

She clung to him, her body seeming incredibly fragile next to the strength of him. At that moment, watching him hold her, I was reminded of the story she'd just told me and how she'd grieved the loss of the little boy she'd known before Caine's training. Looking at him, at the gentleness in his stance, the way he buried his face in her hair and spoke softly to her, it was easy to forget everything else and only see the boy with the pencil stained hands.

Anna wept, her shoulders shaking as she held onto Kai. After a second, he looked up at me, as if realizing I was still there—remembering that I wasn't meant to be. I saw the questions there, knew he regretted not asking why I'd been left with his mother.

I'd just opened my mouth to try to explain when Anna pulled away from Kai and held out a hand to me. "Kai, this—this is Monroe. She's come to have tea. Your father brought her to sit with me. Is...isn't that nice?"

Kai met my eyes. Before he could say anything, I stepped forward and offered him my hand. "It's nice to meet you."

For a moment, he didn't move. I could see him trying to piece this together, but he didn't have enough information for it to make much sense. I honestly didn't understand Caine's intentions either. So, even if we were to speak plainly to each other, there wasn't much to tell him. Better to let Anna believe the delusion than to worry her about the truth.

After a few uncomfortable seconds, he took my hand and shook it. "Nice to meet you, Monroe."

Strange.

So strange, those words.

We'd never had a proper introduction. I'd been cast onto Kai, a very broken and afraid girl, only a week after I'd arrived at Third Corps. He'd been going by his surname then. I'd known him only as Callahan—the broody, angry soldier. He'd been bossy. I'd been seen as a threat to the rebellion.

We'd been annoyed at each other more than anything else.

Back then, he'd seen me as a child needing to be watched, and I'd viewed him as a cage. Our first impressions of each other hadn't stuck for very long though. We'd soon grown to trust each other. He'd been the person I'd sought out when I was in trouble. He was the person I knew would listen when I spoke.

Back then, I'd been blissfully ignorant. I'd believed that there were no real secrets between us. As far as I'd known, we'd been on the same side.

Lies.

So many pretty lies.

At that moment, holding his hand in mine, I wished that we could be strangers again. I wished, as I always had, that we could be just a regular girl and a regular boy. I'd once believed I could have something like that with Kai. Back before I knew who he really was. Back before I realized that he was the prince my destiny was tied to, and not Cohen. Now, I didn't know what our relationship was.

Lovers?

That's what the newspapers always called us.

I was the king's lover. Which sounded cheap. It reminded me of how Kai had come to be here—how he'd been born a bastard. Caterine had once been the lover of a king too. It had ended with her dead. Poisoned by the king's wife. By Viera. And while I'd never met Caterine, her choices had been risky, flawed in so many ways. She'd led with her heart and it had led her to her death.

Kai held onto my hand for just a second longer than necessary.

Lovers.

The king's lover.

It was that thought, the bitter note in it, that had me moving away from him and heading back to the couches, towards the cooling pot of tea—the tacet. I spoke over my shoulder as I went. "Your mother was just telling me about how you're working in the palace now. She was asking if I knew you. I told her that I didn't." I shot him a pointed look as I added, "She was very concerned about you."

Kai's brows rose but he didn't say anything, only pulled Anna to his side, tucking her securely under his arm as he walked her to where I now sat. She perched on the couch opposite me and pulled Kai down next to her. Her eyes were red as she reached forward and stroked a hand down his cheek.

He smiled and caught her hand in his. "Maman, you know why I'm here. We're at the palace. In Erydia. Da said he told you yesterday, remember?"

I'd never heard Kai use those names for his parents. Maman and Da. With his slight accent and soft tone, it was easy to forget that one of those titles belonged to Caine.

Kai seemed to remember that too and for a second, his eyes darted to me—apologetic. I could see he wanted to be able to explain. This, him giving Caine an affectionate name, any form of endearment, tasted of treachery. It was like a slap in the face, even though I knew he didn't care for his uncle.

It was habit, I knew that. Caine was the only father he'd ever known. Still, something about it was oily, wrong. It set my teeth on edge and had me looking away from him.

Kai's mouth parted, his defense at the tip of his tongue.

I shook my head and glanced to Anna, redirecting his concern from me to her.

He frowned slightly but took my silent command. "Do you remember what he said to you?" Kai asked her, still holding his mother's hand. "He—He said he told you that I was...that I am..." He swallowed, unable to finish the sentence.

Anna's brow furrowed in confusion, her face turning from elation to worry. When Kai said nothing else, she shook her head quickly, panicked, and stood up. His hand dropped into his lap as she let go of him and walked back to her easel. Her movements were slow, each step a little less stable.

"No. No, no, no, no, no..." She whispered, each word sharper than the last.

Kai turned in his seat and watched her go, his expression growing taut with apprehension. He was just about to stand and follow her when I reached out and took hold of his wrist. His eyes darted to where I was touching him and then to my face.

I pulled my hand away and nodded to his mother. "There are bruises on her arm. Maybe from needles..." I explained, keeping my voice low enough that she wouldn't hear me. "I think Caine has a healer giving her something."

He nodded. "And why are you here—?"

"I'm not sure. He just told me to have tea with her."

Kai stood up. "He'll probably come looking for me soon. He'll know where I've gone. He's been stalling me from seeing her and I slipped away while he was distracted. I don't...I don't want to risk being caught here with you. I won't stay much longer."

I hung back as he moved to stand next to Anna. She was perched on her stool, her body stiff as a board, but she hadn't moved to pick up her brush.

He said something to her and she turned, watching him as he knelt in front of her and rested his forehead on her knee. Kai continued to speak to her, this time in Vaylish; his voice too soft for me to hear. When he'd finished, she sighed, her shoulders shaking with the action. Boney fingers threaded through the black waves of Kai's hair and, for a moment, they stayed frozen like that.

Then she was crying and he was on his feet, holding her against him as she sobbed into his shirt. And while I wasn't sure what had transpired between them, I didn't miss the broken apologies that slipped from Anna's mouth as she clung to her son.

***

Kai and I stood next to the fireplace, our arms crossed, our bodies separated by what could have been only a few feet, but felt more like miles. There was so much I wanted to say to him and yet I had no words for what I was feeling. All of this—him being here and Anna's odd behavior—put me on edge.

Anna had been distraught after Kai reminded her why he was here in the palace. I'd stayed in the sitting room while he'd put her to bed, his every movement gentle as he pulled the quilt up to her shoulders and rubbed her back in soothing circles.

It was like he was the parent and she was the child.

Judging from how easily he calmed her, I was certain this wasn't his first time doing something like this. He'd known just what to do, just how to calm her anxiety and get her to rest. I'd stood in the doorway and watched him tug her shoes off before he helped her under the covers.

Once upon a time, I'd been ill from drinking wine and he'd done something similar for me. That had ended with me pulling him into bed next to me. He'd held me—even when we'd just been friends. Even when I'd just started to realize we might be more than that to each other.

Kai had cared for me then.

I think maybe he'd loved me back then.

It was an odd juxtaposition, seeing that same tenderness again when I was angry with him. And something in me wanted to stop being mad. I wanted to turn to him and trust him the way I once had. I longed for us to be a team, a united front. But I'd been wrong to put my trust in him before.

He'd kept something massive from me. Something life-changing. This lie was something that, even if he'd never gone to the palace and taken the throne, would have still changed our lives.

Kai being the heir, even if he'd never become king, would have still meant the birth of his first-born son could restart the Culling. And if he'd had that child with me and I hadn't known... I knew he would have told me the truth before it came to that—but I'd still started to dream of a future with him, a future that was now impossible.

Kai and I could never have our own children. Even if we made it through this. If we chose to fight alongside each other and if I found forgiveness for him...we'd never be able to have a child together. Not without the possibility of us creating another Culling.

And while that may not matter right now, I still thought of it as I watched the tenderness he showed his mother. I wasn't sure I was ready or capable of motherhood. I'd only ever scraped the bare edges of that dream—but Kai would make a good father. I knew it in my bones.

He'd take everything he hated about his childhood and he'd fight against it. He'd love his children fiercely and he'd never—ever—raise a hand to his son. Not ever.

His son.

His son, who would inevitably be the heir to the throne.

No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't keep my mind from wandering down the paths we could no longer follow. The dream I'd crafted—the one of us living a normal life without the Culling and without expectations—was gone. Forever. And that hurt.

Good goddess, everything hurt.

Now, standing across from each other, I wanted to ask him when he'd planned to tell me. I wanted to know how he had thought I would react to the news. Would I have been angry with him even if I'd learned in Third Corps? Yes. Yes, I'd have been mad.

But at least then Uri wouldn't be dead and Kai wouldn't be king.

I shook my head, trying to banish my own dark thoughts. I couldn't look at him as I inched closer to the open flame in the hearth. With tacet in my system, it was nearly impossible to get warm. It was like my blood had run cold, as if every ounce of heat had left my body. Standing next to the fire, I could feel the heat of it against my legs, but it didn't seem to go any deeper than that. My insides were cold—empty of everything that made up who I was.

Kai's voice was soft, hesitant as he said, "When I was eleven, I stopped going to regular school and began attending a military academy in Barthoose. My father got a job teaching there. It was about a twelve-hour train ride from where we'd been living in Lisaeka—the capital city of Vayelle. My mother was naturally upset about the move. She didn't want to leave her friends and family in the capital. She would also be leaving her gallery and her art studio, which she adored. But she had always been submissive to my father, the consequences were always too great for her not to be. So, she packed up our house, said goodbye to everyone, and prepared to make the move."

He fell silent and I glanced up at him. "What happened then?"

Kai swallowed and ducked his head, unable to look at me as he said, "I was already enrolled in school and attending full-time. I was a kid—too caught up in my own worries to pay too much attention. Too busy trying to earn my father's affection to see the signs. I didn't realize what was really happening until it was too late and, by then, I couldn't do anything to stop it."

I shifted on my feet, balling my hands into the fabric of my shirt to keep from reaching for him the way I was used to doing. "Stop what?" I asked.

"In Vayelle, men are considered full citizens. They have voting rights, they can own land, and they can have their own money. Women can have full citizenship too, but often times they don't. It isn't normally done, especially not when I was a child. Things have gotten much better in recent years...but when my mother was growing up, girls were usually assigned parental citizenship which was given to them by their father. Eventually, that would turn to martial citizenship when they found a husband. This isn't always a bad thing, I guess, since a good husband can do wonders for his wife if she's under his protection. And women aren't respected in Vayelle the way they should be. So, even if it's wrong, they do need protection. But..." he shrugged. "I told you once that love looked differently in Vayelle. It's often a word used to control. It can also be used hide abuse. In Vayelle, no one looks very far past titles like 'husband' and 'wife.' Maman is property in the eyes of the government—in the eyes of everyone my father worked with and was friends with. His voice has always been far louder than hers."

Dread, white-hot and oily, was pooling in the pit of my stomach as I took in what he was saying. I glanced behind me through the open bedroom door to where Anna slept, her willowy body curled up in a protective ball. Kai followed my gaze, his brow furrowing as he considered what he was going to say next.

Finally, he sighed and continued, "My father told Maman that she was going to come stay with us in Barthoose, he just needed to go ahead and set up the house. He arranged train tickets for her and said she'd make the trip the following week. He went ahead without her."

"And you?"

"I was already away at school."

I nodded. "And after the week had passed?"

"When he returned to fetch her, he didn't take her to Barthoose. Instead, he took her to a private asylum out in the countryside. He had her committed and he left her there to rot."

My hand flew to my mouth as he finished speaking. I shook my head over and over again, unable to imagine what that must have been like for Anna. My throat was painfully tight as I asked, "Then what happened?"

Kai's gaze was unfocused, lost in a far-off memory as he explained, "She screamed and fought them. And when she misbehaved, they sedated her."

"But didn't anyone care that she wasn't actually insane?"

Kai shook his head. "She was a young woman surrounded by male doctors who were being told by her respected, war-hero husband that she was insane. She didn't have full citizenship and what little citizenship she had was forfeited once she passed into their care. Who would believe her? Who would help her if he wouldn't? And besides, after you're told you're insane over and over again and you're drugged constantly...Monroe, you start to be as unstable as they say you are. And I doubt most insane people believe they are actually insane. So, her arguing it wasn't exactly enough to convince anyone."

I felt tears forming in my eyes as I asked, "Has she been there this whole time?"

He nodded. "Yes. She's been there for the better part of ten years. My father—Caine wanted information from her that she refused to give him. The asylum was her punishment for defying him." He met my eyes then, his own shone with unbridled anger. "Do you know what that information was?"

I knew. I knew and I still shook my head. This—Goddess, he deserved hell. He deserved every single layer of it.

"He wanted to know who my birth father was."

I closed my eyes, but Kai kept talking.

"Maman had kept a box of my birth mother's things. Jewelry and some letters. There were photographs of Caterine with me when I was only a few days old—and in with those things was a stack of letters from my mother to Maman. Letters that were clearly censored and that showed that Maman knew exactly what my birth mother was leaving out. When Caine found the box, he demanded that Maman tell him who my real father was, but she wouldn't. I remember it. I was home when he discovered the box. They fought for days. I'd never seen Caine so mad. Maman sent me to stay with Graves for the rest of the week. When I returned home, she was silent and bruised worse than I'd ever seen. She wouldn't speak of it. Not to me, not to anyone."

"Did you know who your birth father was?"

"No. Not then. I'd never seen any of the contents of that box before. Maman had been saving it for me, for when I was older. That was a mistake. She should have burned it all. She might have saved herself if she had. But...she just wanted me to have something of Caterine's. She thought it might mean something to me to have something in her handwriting. To see the jewelry she wore and have the opportunity to give those pieces to the person I loved..." His golden eyes darted to me, unsure, as he said, "And having those things does mean a lot to me."

"How did Caine find out?"

"About five years into Maman's confinement, she said something to one of the asylum attendants that caught their attention. It was when she was drugged. She wasn't—" He shook his head. "She would never have told him. Not intentionally. At least, at least I don't think she would have. Anyway, they wrote it down in their notes. Then, when my father came to check in on her a few months later, they showed him what she'd said. It was nothing really, babbling. But she'd called me 'the little prince.' And it probably would have been overlooked if Caine hadn't already suspected that there was more to my birth than was known. He believed wholeheartedly that I was the bastard son of the Erydian king. And it was difficult to deny when I did look a good deal like him—especially if you compare our childhood pictures. I have my mother's coloring, but I have his eyes. The same eyes that some of the legitimate royal children have."

"But how could he prove it?"

"He offered Maman a bargain. He told her that he'd take her out of the asylum and let her come to live with us—to see me—if she'd tell him the truth." Kai swallowed and ran a hand through his hair, mussing the dark waves. "And she was so hurt and so afraid..." He trailed off; his eyes locked on his mother's sleeping form.

My voice was a broken whisper as I asked, "She told him?"

"She told him that there was a second box, hidden in the floorboards of her old art gallery. In that box, he found a bag of Erydian coin that was meant for me, a letter from my birth father to Anna discussing my mother's death, and an unregistered birth certificate with both of their full names on it."

I pressed a hand to my chest. "Oh, Kai..."

"And of course, he didn't free her. Not really. She didn't get out of that place until I was legally able to claim her as my mother and become her guardian. I took her out of the asylum on my eighteenth birthday. But, by then she was so broken that she wasn't herself anymore. She needed someone to look after her. I found an apprentice healer named Audra through a mutual friend, and she agreed to tend to my mother personally. At that point, Caine had already spent the Erydian money meant for me on a private army, so I used every cent I'd earned as a soldier to keep the two of them fed. Audra secured lodgings for them in Soeldaire, which was a town not too far from where I was stationed."

"Why would you work with Caine to retake the throne if he'd been so terrible to Anna?"

He chewed his lip in thought. "Lots of reasons. Revenge, mostly. Caine had instilled in me a desire to prove myself. He'd convinced me that Erydia was my birthright. I think Cohen had only recently turned fourteen when I came of age. Technically, I guess, the Culling should have started then."

There was a long silence as we both considered that.

"I would have just turned fourteen." My heart clenched at the thought.

Kai nodded. "I've never believed in a goddess, but if she's real I'm thankful to her for making things go the way they did. I'm glad I wasn't here to have a Culling then. I'm glad it waited for Cohen. It gave you time to grow up and live."

I swallowed, the realization of how young we'd have all been if Kai had been the legitimate heir was enough to leave me breathless. If it had happened the way it was meant to be, the oldest of our Culling pool would have been only sixteen or seventeen years old. The youngest of us, Heidi, would have been closer to ten.

"It's an archaic tradition," Kai said quietly. "It's terrible and violent and should be outlawed for many reasons—one of which is the expectation of a traumatized thirteen-year-old to marry someone who is eighteen. But knowing what we do about the Culling, I guess it shouldn't surprise any of us that the Culling pool could potentially contain a lot of very young girls."

In truth, I wasn't surprised to hear it. I'd spent weeks studying Culling history and I'd seen many groups of goddess-touched girls with varying ages and abilities. But one thing I knew to be true, regardless of a girl's ability, a seventeen-year-old would always find a way to kill a ten-year-old. The age difference was enough that the older girl was ruthless while the younger was afraid. Those trials were always the bloodiest and the fastest.

I just hadn't realized that my own Culling could have been like that.

"Anyway..." Kai said, clearing his throat. "It was ingrained in me that I should be fighting for what was mine. Even though I didn't believe in the goddess or supernatural abilities, I still thought the crown attached to those things belonged to me. Caine said they did. He told me of how wicked the queen was—how wicked my mother's killer was. He told me that I owed it to my mother to avenge her death. He told me that Erydia was mine and that it deserved a good ruler—someone better than Viera. And it was easy to see, since things were really starting to pick up and refugees fleeing Erydia were beginning to group together. There was talk of a rebellion. And...And Caine took that as a sign. He convinced me it was a sign too. And I thought I could protect her if I were king. I thought it would make him happy and he'd stop hurting her—hurting us. I felt cornered. I'm still cornered, I guess."

I shook my head, trying to process everything he was telling me. "But that doesn't explain why you would help him after everything he'd done to Anna. Everything he'd done to you."

"Caine is a master at weaving cages. He knew that he held all the cards and I had none."

"But you had Anna. She was safe."

He swallowed and shook his head. "Maman only remained in my custody for a short period of time. I had rights to her only as long as my father didn't try to possess her himself. A husband's rights will always overpower any other claim."

"And he wouldn't risk letting you have that control."

Kai nodded, "Well, at first he did. But when I started to disagree with him or question orders, he decided that he needed leverage." He looked at me. "Before you, I never had anyone but my mother. There was no one else he could threaten. He learned a long time ago that I wasn't easily cowed by being hit by him, so he needed something to keep me in line." Kai swallowed. "It took me three months leading up to my birthday to secure legal guardianship of my mother from the asylum. But it only took one visit and a strongly worded letter from my father before my rights were revoked. Maman was taken by force from Audra's home in Soeldaire and put back in the asylum."

"He used her to make you work with him?"

He exhaled and rubbed at the back of his neck. "He used her to keep me in line—to keep me focused." Those golden eyes darted up to mine and then darted away, ashamed. "Monroe, I'm done lying to you. I—I wanted the throne. I was arrogant and bitter and angry at the world. I thought it was owed to me. Caine didn't need to convince me to go to the rebel camps and win them to my side. I wanted to do those things. He only used Anna as a way to keep my eyes on the prize. He didn't want me to get distracted. He didn't want me to slow down or focus on anything else—anyone else."

Caine had once told me that Kai was a sentimental fool who led with his heart. When I'd brought it up to Kai later, he'd acted as if that was a weakness. He'd told me that love was a distraction. Something to pull him away from his duties. I'd assumed his duty had meant the rebellion or his father's desire to see him be a good soldier.

I hadn't known then what he'd really meant.

That same old anger filled me again. "So, what, you've just spent the last few years going from camp to camp, rallying an army in secret?"

His voice was soft, full of regret and shame as he answered me. "Yes, that's exactly what I did. I infiltrated the Culled and swayed them to my cause. I convinced them that I was the rightful king and that I could give them all the things they were asking for, if they'd only help me take down the Warwicks. And they already wanted Viera gone so badly that it was easy enough to do."

"Who knew?"

"You mean in Third Corps?"

I nodded.

"General Mazarin wasn't aware, not fully. I usually started with the soldiers and platoon leaders before working my way up. And Graves almost always traveled ahead of me to keep an eye on me and begin working on the higher-ups. But, Kareon Gleason knew about me. He'd been stationed at another camp I'd been in. When we all went on the Linomi mission, he mostly came along to keep an eye on me. Naturally, Graves didn't want me to go, but he couldn't very well stop me without having to give an excuse to M.O. and the others. And if he told everyone how important I was, it would blow the entire operation. I think Kareon went along as a precaution. By then, he'd become use to watching my back. And—And I needed to be watched. I'd already started to push back against Caine, my grandfather probably thought I had a death wish."

My hands dropped to my sides, defeated. "Did Dee know?"

He shook his head. "I don't think so. Not unless Kareon told her. And I doubt he did. He wouldn't have wanted to worry her unnecessarily."

"And what about Vykr?" I asked, remembering how the older man had hated me.

"Vykr didn't like the goddess and he distrusted anything to do with her. I knew from the start that I wouldn't be able to sway him to my side. So, no. He didn't know the truth."

"Anyone else?"

He shook his head. "No. I'd only been there for about a week when you arrived and...you proved to be a distraction." The connotation of his words was negative, but the small pull of his lips told me that he didn't see it that way. He stepped closer to me, breaching the distance between us. "And yes, it started as curiosity and a desire to understand what it meant to be goddess-touched, but once I started talking to you...once you started smiling at me..." he shrugged. "I was a lost cause after that."

His fingers brushed my wrist and, for the first time, I didn't pull away from him. My voice was small as I whispered, "I just wish you'd have told me the truth."

He nodded, but didn't move to take my hand. He just kept still, his touch feather-light against my skin. "I don't have a good enough excuse. And while I can continue to try to explain myself to you, none of it really matters. None of it makes what I did right. I just need you to know I'm sorry. Truly. And I'll apologize as often and as many times as you need me to. But please—Monroe, please don't shut me out."

I stepped forward, claiming what little space still separated us. My fingers threaded through his as I moved my face up so I could meet his eyes. "I don't want to be mad at you anymore," I said, my voice no more than a whisper.

"Then don't be."

"But I'm not done being pissed with you," I said.

"I wouldn't expect anything less." His lips twitched, his expression a mix of trepidation and raw hope. "But can we be on the same side again?"

I sighed and leaned my head against his shoulder. Kai didn't move to hold me, he just stayed as he was, one hand at his side, the other holding tight to mine. I knew his stillness was tactical, a show of patience and goodwill. He was speaking volumes without saying a word.

It was my choice. This next move was mine, and mine alone.

I sighed heavily, still unsure. But I nodded and pressed a chaste kiss to the crook of his neck before I stepped away and let go of his hand. "We're on the same side."

***

I fell asleep on my couch last night and completely forgot to upload until just now so...🤷🏻‍♀️😅 Here you go, a long chapter to reward your patience.

If you enjoyed this chapter: leave this emoji 😢 in the comments and tell me if you think Monroe should forgive Kai.

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