The Jerian Sea.
Between Erydia and Pellarmus.
Voyage – Day nine.

I didn't try to mask my steps as I crossed the distance between us. I kept the lantern up too, hoping she'd see it before she saw me. I waited until I was within earshot to speak. "Anna?"

Despite my efforts not to startle her, she jumped at the sound of my voice. When she turned to look at me, I saw that her eyes were red and shining.

I set my lantern down on one of the crates and moved to sit next to her.

"Are you alright? I saw that you were out of bed and I worried...?" I trailed off, unsure what else to say.

I'd gone after her because she was Kai's mother and I knew he'd want me to check on her. But now that I'd found her, I didn't know what to say or do. Even though I'd spent over a week sitting through the night with Anna, we didn't really speak during the day. In fact, she mostly avoided everyone. According to Isla, the crew called her "the white witch" because of her graying blonde hair and her pale, sickly pallor.

"If they think we are a bad omen, they think she is truly cursed." Isla had said, her thick accent only contributing to the creepiness as she explained, "We have stories back home of women who throw themselves into the sea in mourning. Some even cast themselves onto funeral pyres and drift into the sea with their dead loved ones. They burn alive or drown. Then they never rest, they haunt the boats and all who sail these waters. Their boney hands scrape the side of ships and they breathe storms onto the sea. They wreck and ruin and take the souls of the living."

"But Anna isn't dead," Nadia had argued.

Isla had only shrugged. "Maybe, but she is so sad all the time, so dead looking, they think she is a ghost. One of those heartbroken women, taken by the sea."

As I looked at Anna's bloodshot eyes, I could see why the crew of The Drogala felt that way. Anna did seem like the shell of a person—as if the life had left her eyes. I knew, just looking at her then, that her silence hadn't been born of dislike for me or anyone else in our group. Instead, I think she'd given up on herself. She'd cast herself into isolation and had no desire to be pulled out again.

Maybe she wasn't as different from those drowned, ghost women as I'd thought.

But she was Kai's mother and he wouldn't have allowed her to just disappear into herself. He'd have fought for her. He'd have drug her out—kicking and screaming, if need be. He wasn't here, but I knew if roles were reversed and it was my mother, he'd help her.

So, I wrapped my coat tighter around my shoulders, offered Anna a small smile and said, "I enjoyed seeing your paintings the other day. Do you miss not being able to do it here?"

She blinked at me; the action almost surprised. After a second, she turned and looked out at the ocean. It stretched on and on before us. So dark, I couldn't see to either side of me, but I knew it was there. I could feel it lapping at the boat, feel its oppressive mass leaning into me—as if my ability knew the danger that surrounded it. Directly across from us, the sky was beginning to turn white in places, a soft yellow and pink glow as the sun began to make its shy appearance.

When Anna spoke, her voice was so soft, I almost didn't catch it. "There are a lot of things I miss."

I thought of the sketch buried in my jacket pocket. "Kai said you taught him. He's a good artist. Very talented. I've—I've always liked watching him draw. I don't have an artistic bone in my body, but I love seeing the way he...how he..." I swallowed and looked away from her. "He sees the world differently than I do. He sees beauty in things. He knows how to make sense of things with just pencil and paper and...and I love that about him. I want him to teach me, one day."

"You said you didn't know him." I opened my mouth to speak, but she cut me off. "When Mirren brought you..." she squinted as if she were trying to see through a fogged glass. I wondered what her memories of that day looked like. "When Mirren brought you, and Kai came, you pretended not to know him. That was a lie. You know him. You know him well enough to know he draws. Why not say so?"

I licked at my chapped lips, stalling for time. I didn't know what to say. The last thing I wanted to do was upset her further, but I wasn't sure which would hurt her more: the truth or another lie.

The reason I hadn't told her, was because she seemed unstable and I was afraid she'd mention seeing Kai to Caine. I'd hoped his visit wouldn't stick out so much if we didn't draw attention to our relationship. I'd at least hoped that if Anna mentioned it to Caine, she'd be confused enough not to tell him we'd been in her room at the same time.

Finally, I said, "I wasn't sure I could trust you. There aren't—weren't—many people I could trust in the palace."

She nodded. "All of this is my fault." Her throat bobbed and she turned her face away from me. "He is in danger and it's because of me."

I shook my head. "That isn't true."

She glanced at me and even with the low lighting I could see the shining in her eyes. "But it is. I told Caine. I told him about Caterine even when I swore not to. I made an oath and I broke it. And now...now my son—her son—is exactly where she didn't want him to be."

I inhaled a deep breath and said what I'd been thinking to myself for a long time. "Caine would've figured it out sooner or later. Besides, Kai deserved to know the truth. It wouldn't have been fair to keep something so big from him. Even if I wish it weren't true, it doesn't change the fact that it is. And Kai has every right to face his past. I think he can handle it. He's a grown man."

She closed her eyes. "There is still a lot he doesn't know. A lot even Mirren doesn't know."

I waited, unsure if I had a right to ask for her secrets. But I wanted to know. After a second, I said, "One day you'll have to tell it all to Kai. All of this—I think it's made him hate his birth mother. Or resent her. And that isn't fair. What happened to Caterine..." I hesitated, realizing that I didn't even have the full story myself. I sighed, knowing I was speaking the truth as I said, "What happened to her was terrible. But I don't think she had Kai out of any desire to be vindictive to Viera. I also know she didn't fall for a king just to have his son. This clearly isn't what she wanted. She just wanted Kai to be safe and loved. She loved him. Greatly, I think."

That much I knew. I'd read her letters to Anna and I'd heard her fear. At the time, I hadn't realized what she was talking about, but now I did. And Anna was right, the last thing Caterine had wanted was for Viera to know about her son. She hadn't wanted the throne for him. When she'd begged her sister-in-law, her best friend, to take him away, it had been in an effort to keep all of this from happening. But Caterine hadn't thought to be afraid of Caine. Her only focus had been Viera and her wrath.

What Caine had done, that had been his own greed.

I doubted she even knew the danger he posed.

Anna cleared her throat, but her voice was still tight with emotion as she said, "She was in love. Stupidly in love with a king." A bitter laugh escaped her as she said, "Caterine was always falling in love. It came easy to her. She was the sort who had a new favorite food every other week. She only saw the best in people. She lived every single day like it was her last. She never considered tomorrow or consequences or what might happen if people weren't as good as she thought they were. And so, she wasn't difficult to love either. People flocked to her. She could have had anyone, any man, but for some reason..." she sighed. "For some reason, she found Malcolm Warwick."

The venom in her voice when she said the old king's name was enough to give me pause. "Did you not like him?"

"Like him? I didn't even know him." Anna shoved stray curls from her eyes. "But when her letters began to arrive, it didn't take long for me to realize that he wasn't good for her. He was a married man, a married king at that. And he had no business looking at her. Caterine may have seen the best in everyone, but he knew the darkness in his wife. He knew better. He knew court life and he knew what would happen to her if she angered Viera. I believe..." she shook her head, brushing away the thought. "If anyone could have prevented her death, it was that man."

Anna sighed and set her eyes on the far horizon. The sky was a mix of gold, pink and purple. It looked like a painting and I could see her piecing it together in her mind. Kai did that too. Sometimes, he would get a certain look and I would know he was drawing in his head. I'd catch him gazing at me, that far off expression on his face, and I'd know he was a second away from reaching for a pencil and scrap paper. Seeing Anna look that way sent a wave of homesickness through me.

Even as mad as I was, I missed him.

After a second, Anna turned her attention back to me. "And Caterine knew something wasn't right. She was flighty and had her naïve moments, but she wasn't stupid. She would write to me and tell me how Malcolm had shown her off. How he seemed to needle his wife with her presence. And Caterine would ask him not to. At one point, she convinced him to let her move from the palace, but even with her living in the city, he wouldn't let their relationship remain unnoticed. He flaunted it. Talked to the press about it. He may have loved Caterine, but he is the reason she's dead. He made her a toy, a game Viera wanted to win. The queen just never knew how high the stakes really were."

"Kai said Viera killed her because of a ring."

Anna nodded. "Yes. I don't know all the details. I received a vague letter from Malcolm a few days after Caterine had died. He sent money for Kai, who at the time was already staying with us. Mirren had picked him up at a train station near the border only a day or so before Caterine passed. He'd been such a frail baby when we got him and I worried myself sick over him. For a few days, he wouldn't eat and I thought he would die. But he was strong, stubborn. And a good baby. The best." She smiled at that memory, but her face soon turned serious again as she explained, "Malcolm said in his letter that Viera had found out that he'd given Caterine a ring—a ring that had once belonged to the queen. It was a piece of jewelry that obviously meant a lot to her and it angered her that he'd given it to...to Caterine." Her voice broke. "I don't know why he'd do something like that. It was stupid. So stupid. But he thought that was why she'd killed her. She'd poisoned her, and slowly, from what I gathered in her letters and his."

"Do you think Viera knew about Kai?"

Anna shook her head. "I was scared of that for a long time, but if she'd known, I think she would've sent someone after him. She'd have killed him. He was a threat to her rule—to her son's rule, even if she hadn't yet had an heir for herself."

I sighed, thinking of what Kai had told me about Caine finding the hidden box and the letters. "Anna, you can't blame yourself for what's happened. Kai doesn't blame you."

"He sent me away."

"Because he loves you. And because Caine would've hurt you to control him. I know, because Kai sent me away for the same reason." I reached into my pocket and pulled out the drawing and the ring. I offered them to her.

Anna took the items from me and smiled. "I recognize this piece, it was one Caterine sent for him. Lovely."

I nodded, suddenly self-conscious as I said, "Yeah, he gave it to me a few weeks ago."

She smiled and unfolded the piece of paper. "I didn't realize you two were that serious."

"We... I don't know if we are anymore."

She glanced over at me. "Is that why you aren't wearing the ring?"

I chewed my lip and nodded to the picture she held. "He told me not to come back." I hated how small my voice was, how much it hurt to talk about this. I hadn't told anyone else about Kai's note or the ring he'd given to Darragh. It felt like a secret—something too personal to share.

And everyone just assumed that the prince had decided to take me to Pellarmus. No one seemed to know that Kai had had any role in this. Cohen had even gone as far as to say it was clever thinking of Darragh to bring Anna and me along. But it hadn't been the prince's idea.

Kai had bargained for my freedom. He'd called in an old debt that Darragh had felt obligated to repay.

I swallowed. "The night—The night of the ball he kissed me and told me that I was worth losing. At the time I didn't know what he was planning. I didn't know he was going to send me away. He said—he said he didn't want to lose me, but...but he doesn't want me to come back."

The finality of it had been driven home to me when I remembered how he'd kissed me—the passion in it, the fear. I'd assumed all of that was because Caine was watching. I'd believed he was using me. I'd had no idea that it was our last kiss. I'd slapped him for it.

And all the while he'd known he was saying goodbye to me.

Goddess, I'd been stupid.

Anna sighed and ran her fingertip along the words Kai had written. "Do you think he meant it?"

"Yes. Or...I think he'd like to mean it."

Anna considered this. She glanced up at me under pale lashes. "Do you love him?"

"Yes." I swallowed. "I'm angry with him and I have been for a while, but I can't...I don't know how to stop loving him."

A shadow of a smile crossed her face. "You say that as if you'd like to be able to stop."

"I thought it might make things easier—if I didn't love him anymore." I shrugged. "He's my person. He's the one I love. The one who sees me when I don't want to be seen. The one who knows me when I don't want to be known. I don't understand how that happened, so it's hard to stop...to stop feeling that way."

"And how do you feel now that you're away from him?"

"Like I'm in the wrong place," I admitted. "Even—Even in the palace, I felt like I was where I was supposed to be. It felt like my fight. I was miserable and I hated it, hated Caine, but I wanted to fight. I thought I was supposed to fight through it."

"So, why stop now? Why stop fighting?"

I gestured to the ocean around us. "Because I'm here now."

She opened her hand again and pulled out the ring. She fiddled with it for a moment before she said, "Let me ask a different question, one you may not have considered: Nadia told me that Kai lied to you and didn't tell you who he was. All of this caught you off guard. It caught everyone off guard. But if Kai had told you the truth of who he was and asked you to fight for the throne alongside him—to be his queen—would you have done that?"

This actually was something I'd considered before. In fact, after everything had happened initially, I'd thought about it constantly. But usually, my mind was fixed on what Kai had told me he'd planned to do—which was running. He told me he wanted to take me and abandon the rebellion, abandon his birthright, so we could live in peace.

So, we could live the life he knew I wanted.

But as I sat next to Anna, watching the sun stream over the water, I was struck with the realization that I might have actually said yes to fighting for the throne. Even if it wasn't necessarily what I'd always wanted, I loved Kai. And he had never shied away from the darkest parts of who I was. He had never balked from me, even when I was naked in the snow, burning like hell itself.

He had never hesitated to choose me.

I sighed and pulled my knees up to my chest. I wrapped my arms around myself and turned to look at Anna. "I can't say what I'd have done if he'd been honest with me back then. But... But I'm willing to fight for him now. I'd be his queen and fight for his throne today, if he'd let me. I wanted to be his queen. I'd planned to fight for it. I'd hoped that if I could win the Culling, I could take the throne and bring it all down. I thought maybe our government could start fresh."

Anna nodded. "But would you still go down that path of destruction? Would you take the throne only to demolish it?"

I considered. "Without Caine, I think Kai would be a good king. Sure, he has a lot to learn, but I think Cohen is sort of coming around to the idea of having a brother. He'd help Kai. And I'd help him too, in whatever way I could."

"Then I think you already know what you need to do."

"But Kai doesn't want me to come back."

She smiled and handed the ring back to me. "Did he write that because he wanted you to listen, or because he knew you wouldn't?"

***

Sorry for the delay in chapters this week. It's my last week of graduate school (Ahhh!👩🏼‍🎓) and I'm also in charge of closing an entire dorm for the Christmas holiday. Things are hectic. I promise my update schedule will get more consistent starting next week.

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