The Royal Dining Room.
Oredison Palace, Gazda.
The Welcome Dinner.

For a moment, I didn't understand what she meant—and then it dawned on me and I was transported back to a conversation I'd had with Kai weeks ago.

We'd been at my family's homestead, laying in bed together. Kissing. His hands had been everywhere. My hands had been everywhere. My mother was gone with a patient and we'd had the house to ourselves.

I was ready.

Goddess, I loved him and I was ready to be with him. Ready to really be with him. And I probably would have had sex with him then, but he'd stopped us.

"Your mother is right. We shouldn't. You aren't on a tonic and we don't have any sort of contraceptive. With the way things are...with the danger—We can't risk it. If you got pregnant..."

At the time, I'd thought he was speaking common sense. Sure, I'd been a little disappointed that life—that me being marked and a fugitive—was keeping us from being able to be together in that way. But I'd realized he was right. My mother's warning to be careful was right.

Waiting was the mature thing to do.

But as Heidi's comment and that memory slamming into me full force, it occurred to me that Kai hadn't only stopped us from having sex out of worry for me. I wasn't the problem. The reason we couldn't risk being together had nothing to do with the brewing rebellion and everything to do with his birthright. He'd stopped us because if I'd gotten pregnant, I could have very easily conceived the next heir.

The dinner table came back into focus and I blinked at Heidi, stunned and unsure what to say. I felt like I'd been slapped. My face heated and, for a moment, I dared a look at Kai. His jaw was clenched and he wasn't looking at me.

Heidi turned towards him too. "Nothing to say for yourself, King?"

Kai's head shot up. "You can take cheap shots at me all day long, but it would be in your best interest to leave Monroe out of it."

Her smile widened. "Is that a threat?"

His eyes were cold as stone. I could almost sense the storm brewing.

Heidi sneered at him. "You going to send me back to that ce—?"

Caine cut her off. "That's enough. You will not spoil this evening by bickering. Kaius is your sovereign and you will be respectful."

Heidi stood up and leaned across the table. She grabbed my wine glass. "If I have to be here for this farce, I'm at least getting a drink out of it." She fell back into her chair and downed what was left of my wine.

Isla exchanged a look with Darragh. He was stone-faced, but I could tell she was trying to hide a smile. It was evident, in that moment, that behind her façade of royal elegance, she was eating this drama up.

I wasn't sure if everyone had understood Heidi's jab, but it wouldn't take much for them to figure it out. Nadia had already said that the rebels believed I might have been involved with Kai's deception. The idea that I could be sleeping with Kai with the intention of trying to get pregnant—trying to win the Culling by conceiving an heir—was wicked.

It was dirty.

It was a reminder of Kai's hesitance to be with me at all.

I fought for something to say. I knew regardless of Caine shutting down the conversation, Heidi wanted a response from me. I wished I could be witty. I wished there was a way to tell her the truth—to clear myself—without airing all of my issues with Kai.

None of the people had a right to know what Kai and I felt. My feelings—the hurt and anger I held close to my broken heart—were mine. It wasn't anyone else's business if we were sleeping together. But we weren't. And I certainly wasn't trying to get pregnant.

But Kai's response to Heidi hadn't refuted her suspicions.

The way her eyes slid to me, told me that she realized that he hadn't actually answered her question. I told myself that she didn't need an answer. She wasn't deserving of one.

So, I cleared my throat and said, "Heidi, I think you have bigger things to worry about than my sex life. In less than ten days you're going to be in the arena. I'd try focusing on not dying."

Isla's eyes were like saucers as I stood, plucked my empty wine glass from Heidi's hand, and sat again. I smiled and lifted it above my head until a footman stepped forward and filled it again. I kept my eyes on the other goddess-touched girl as I took a sip.

With my ability stifled, the alcohol didn't burn in my gut the way it had the night I'd drank with Cohen in Third Corps. Wine still wasn't my favorite thing, but I wasn't drinking it because I wanted to.

I was making a point.

Her lips twitched. "Careful there, Benson. I don't need my ability to know what you're most afraid of."

I opened my mouth to say something else, but Caine's hand found my upper thigh again. He gave it a tight squeeze, his fingers curling into dangerous territory as he said, "We're done with this line of discussion." When I didn't say anything else, he turned to one of the footmen. "I called for the first course."

The man nodded, muttered an apology, and scurried from the room—presumably to find out what was taking so long with the food. I swallowed, still aware of Caine's hand on my leg. I shifted in my seat, trying to discreetly move away from him as I said, "Isla, you mentioned knowing Kinsley. Have—" Caine's hand trailed upward and my voice hitched slightly. "Have you visited Erydia many times?"

She seemed relieved to have a change of subject. "Yes. A few times. But not recently. I didn't come with Darragh when he came a few months ago. I was...busy. But I am familiar with this place and with Cohen—and the others. Queen Viera and the royal children used to visit Pellarmus some summers."

I placed my hand in my lap, blocking Caine's access and keeping him from moving his fingers any nearer. "Your Erydi is very good."

She smiled her thanks. "Do you know any other languages?"

I shook my head. "No, not really. I understand most Vaylish though, but I don't actively speak it."

"Those two languages are similar. One sprang from the other. Pellarsh is not like them at all—but I like it."

"So, do you speak many languages—more than just those three, I mean?"

She shrugged. "I had tutors from many places, so I picked up a few different ones. But I am not fluent in any of them. I often have to consider my words. Darragh is heir, so he received more education than I did. He is our..." she said a word in Pellarsh and then glanced at Darragh.

He smiled. "Linguist, I believe is the translated word."

Isla laughed, the sound rich and deep. "See, he is more skilled than me."

I swallowed as Caine's fingers slid down to cup my knee. I relaxed slightly. "I think you're doing really well. I'd—I'd probably be lost in Pellarmus."

Darragh took a sip of wine and frowned, displeased with the taste. He cleared his throat and said, "You would be fine. Most of my people know at least a little Erydi. We have many merchants and traders who come from here."

The doors to the dining room opened and a flood of footmen came in holding trays laden with bowls of soup. I watched as they walked from person to person, presenting us with bowls. I didn't move to touch my spoon, even as the other's around me began to eat. Caine's hand on my knee tightened and I reached down, trying to pry his fingers away.

Even through the fabric of my dress, I could feel the warmth of his palm—the dull bite of his nails. I told myself that he was only touching me like this because he couldn't risk anyone else seeing. He wanted to control me and he couldn't grab my wrist the way he usually would, not with visiting royals watching. But there was an underlying anxiety in my chest that told me that Caine's touches were more than that.

As his fingers slid upward, dragging layers of tulle with them, I knew that the touch was lazy—intentional. This was a threat. He thought he was invincible. Who would stop him? Certainly not me. Not Kai. No one. Because no one knew. No one else could see.

Cold air bit at my ankles, then my knees. Caine's fingers slid beneath fabric.

On top of the table, my fingers were white knuckled. My other hand moved to hold down my skirt. I was starting to shake.

If I screamed, what would he do?

If I got up, tried to leave, would he stop me?

"He looks at you the way he looks at a prize." Anna had said. "And nothing good can come of it."

She was right. Caine was a predator and I knew he saw me as easy prey. My bedroom door locked from the outside and my guards—who were not here for my protection—were controlled by him. Every time he keyed himself into my bedroom, I was reminded that he had the ability to get in whenever he wanted. If he came in while I was sleeping, if he held me down, if I screamed...no one would help me.

I barely saw Kai. I wouldn't even be able to tell him what had happened.

Caine's fingers curled towards the inside of my thigh, inching ever higher. His hand was like a brand against my bare flesh. Bile rose in my throat.

Isla didn't seem to notice my stiff movements or the way I pressed my hands into my lap, trying to block Caine's fingers from touching me. She smiled, her brows rising in concern as she eyed my untouched cutlery. I was staring at the silver knife there, wondering if I could move fast enough—stab deep enough—

"Are you not hungry, Monroe?"

I jumped at the sound of her voice, my attention snapping to her.

"Yes—No. I..." His fingers wedged between my bare thighs. I stood up abruptly, dislodging Caine's hand. His expression turned murderous as I said, "I'm feeling...I'm suddenly feeling unwell." I tugged on the skirt of my dress, trying to get the hitched layers to fall again. "I'm—I'd like to get some air."

"Sit down." Caine spoke between clenched teeth. "There's air in here."

I sidestepped my chair and his outstretched hand. As I moved, what was left of the skirt of my dress fell back into place, hiding what he'd been trying to do just seconds earlier. "I'll—I'm sorry. I'll only be a moment. Please just...Please excuse me, everyone."

Isla frowned, but no one tried to stop me as I left.

I heard a chair scraping the floor and the muffled sound of voices as I let the door to the dining room shut behind me. I hurried down the empty hallway, trying to distance myself from Caine—from my guards, which I knew would come after me soon. I buried my hands in the skirt of my dress, trying to keep them from shaking as I rounded a corner and collapsed against the wall.

My breathing was coming too fast—an echo of my racing heart. Nothing had happened. I was safe. I was fine. It's all fine.

But in my head, I was back in an alleyway with another man's hands on me. I remembered the sharp tang of alcohol on the air—the bite of brick against my back. The heat of his breath as he'd kissed me. The sour taste of him.

I dug my nails into my wrist, trying to ground myself. I was not in that alleyway. Caine had not hurt me. I was fine. I was safe. I am fine. I am safe.

Good goddess.

The feel of his hand on my bare leg.

I dug the palms of my hands into my eyes and tried to block out the rising anxiety. My eyes burned. My chest ached. I couldn't—

"Hey—"

A hand grabbed my shoulder and, without thinking, I spun. My fist collided with someone's face, catching them in the jaw. They yelped in pain and staggered back from me.

I covered my mouth in surprise. "Good goddess, Kai!"

He rubbed at the spot I'd hit and shook his head. "It's fine. I—I probably deserved it."

"Shit. I..." I swallowed and stepped forward, taking hold of his chin and tilting his head so I could get a look at what I'd done. His facial hair was longer than it had ever been in Third Corp, more of a short beard than stubble. The spot was red, but mostly covered up.

"It was a good punch. I'd be a little more proud if it hadn't been aimed at me."

I winced apologetically and said, "It might bruise."

I started to drop my hand but he caught my wrist and pulled me gently towards him. "Are—Are you okay?"

I nodded. "Yes."

No.

No, I was so far from okay.

His hand moved to hold mine. "What happened?"

"I'm fine."

"You're a liar."

I closed my eyes. "So are you."

A soft laugh came from him, bitter and sad. "Love, you're crying."

Frustrated, I let go of his hand and turned away from him. I wiped at my eyes, watching as the makeup Emilie had applied smeared onto my fingers. My back was still to him as I said, "I'm really—I'm fine."

"Did Caine do something?" His voice was soft but full of contempt as he said, "Was it what Heidi said?"

"No." I shook my head. "It has nothing to do with her. She's—That's...It doesn't matter."

"Then it's Caine. He did something. What was it?"

"He just..." I trailed off and turned back to look at him. "I'm afraid of him. Sometimes he looks at me and I think—I worry he'll—And then just now his hand—He was—"

I saw his face change—saw him remember the way Caine's hand had come up from beneath the table. Kai stepped forward and I backed into the wall. He didn't try to touch me again as he asked, "What happened?"

I felt hot tears streaming down my face as I shook my head. "Nothing. He just...His hand was just...He pulled my dress up and...Kai—"

"He...He was touching you?"

I knew what he was asking.

"Yes. Or, he tried to." I swallowed and that ball of anxiety in my chest seemed to swell. An odd sense of shame filled me. "I don't know."

But I did know. I knew exactly what Caine had been doing, and yet it felt like an odd dream. Like I was lying, even though I wasn't. Nothing about this felt real anymore.

Kai's expression shifted, grew dark. I'd seen that expression before. It's how he'd looked before he'd killed that man in Linomi. He stepped away from me and turned towards the dining room. Before he could move away, I reached out and grabbed his hand, pulling him back.

"Don't," I said. "Don't start anything. Not tonight."

He was silent for a moment, and when he finally did speak again, his voice was rough with restrained anger. "You told me you wanted action."

I swallowed down the lump in my throat and whispered, "I do. But not that action. Heidi and Nadia, they need help. Help me get them out."

"And then what?" he hissed. "I've watched him hurt you for a month. I've seen you cry and beg and I won't—I will not—I won't watch him...If he's touching you inappropriately, I'll stop him."

My hand fisted in his shirt, holding him still as I said. "He will retaliate and he will hurt me. What he did tonight—It will be nothing compared to what he will do if you make him angry. Me leaving...I've probably already upset him. He doesn't need any more of an excuse to do something terrible. Please—Kai, please don't give him another excuse."

"Another excuse?"

"I'm sorry." My grip on his shirt tightened. "I shouldn't have...I shouldn't have said anything. I'm—I'm sorry. Just pretend I didn't...pretend...I'm sorry."

Those golden eyes flashed as he said, "You have every right to remove yourself from a situation like that. You have every right to stop him if he's doing something you don't like. He—He doesn't own you. Don't apologize for him."

"Please don't make things worse."

Kai opened his mouth to speak but was cut off by another voice. "Kaius, you will return to the dining room. Now." Kai stiffened at the sound of his uncle's voice, but he didn't move. Didn't look away from me.

My throat was painfully tight as I whispered, "Go."

He cupped my hand, pressing it tight to his chest for a moment before he carefully unwound my fingers from the fabric of his shirt. We stepped back from each other at the same time. Even with the uncertainty between us, I automatically felt the loss of his presence—the loss of that unspoken protection.

I forced my shoulders to straighten. I had faced Caine over and over again—I would face him again. I would be fine.

But, good goddess, I was afraid.

Kai knew that. I could lie and try to hide a lot of things—but there were some things that I couldn't keep from him. And just then, I was an open book. I was vulnerable, unable to disguise my feelings. He saw the fear on my face.

Kai shook his head as if he were answering an unspoken question. My throat burned as he shot me one more apologetic look and then he turned away from me. I sank back against the wall, my hands knotted in the material of my dress. I relaxed, forced myself to unfurl, as Kai moved towards the dining room.

He nearly brushed shoulders with Caine as he went.

This was good, I told myself. It was good that Kai was leaving. If he stayed, he'd only make things worse. It was better for him to abandon me—to leave me to deal with Caine on my own.

I could handle it.

Couldn't I?

And yet, I wanted to reach out. I wanted to grab his hand, beg him to stay. I wanted someone to stand between me and Caine's hands.

But I knew what would happen to me if Kai refused to go. Whatever Caine might do would only be made worse by his presence. With Kai gone, I could try to soothe that anger. I could craft a lie.

It was Heidi—I could say. Her words upset me. I left because of what she'd implied about me and Kai. And it wouldn't be a full lie. It had hurt. Those words and the truth they held still stung like hell.

But they were nothing compared to the burn of Caine's hands on my bare thigh. It couldn't disgust me anymore than the feeling of his fingers digging into my flesh had. He'd violated me in so many ways—but this was a new level of hurt. It left a new sort of scar.

His touch lingered and I hated it. I hated the shame that flooded every piece of my bruised heart, unbidden and unnecessary. It made my throat burn, made my skin flush hot.

I had done nothing to provoke him. I'd given him no indication that he could touch me like that. And yet I was embarrassed. My mind kept spinning, kept searching for what I'd done to cause that.

Because there had to be a reason, right?

I hated him. And I wanted Kai to help me. I'd never wanted to be the damsel in distress, but I felt like one just then. I didn't need saving—just someone to fight alongside me. Just someone to tell me that monsters didn't need a reason. Monsters didn't need to be provoked.

But Kai was leaving.

And I'd find a way to fix this. I had to.

I'd lie to Caine. I always did. Kai and I were similar in that way. We both wore lies like second skins. We both often forgot the truth. And this—I could speak this lie until is tasted true.

As Kai passed, his uncle said something, muttered words too quiet for me to understand. When Kai said nothing in return, Caine laughed and turned to look at me. He was still gazing at me, his eyes dark with an emotion, a desire I didn't like, when Kai exhaled and shook his head again. I saw his fist clench at his side, saw him turned back—then I saw him swing towards his uncle's face.

***

The audacity.

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