"WHAT?!" Before Neel can reply, I'm walking fast and out of the small yet seemingly spacious, gleaming showroom, and making my way to the lift that's just adjacent to the two splitting corridors and located near the end of the automatic electronic stairs. I'm not ready for *this*. I'm not ready for any kind of confrontation.

"WAIT! WAIT! AASHI. I'M COMING!" Ria yells from behind me somewhere, unable to keep up with my attitude or my mood swings. She sounds quite frantic and bewildered; in a hurry to match my pace.

I won't blame her. I'm quite bewildered in the moment too. It feels as if my legs are on autopilot and they'll just take me anywhere that they find safe. Fight or Flight. Flight, it is.

I take several long strides on the long corridor, a piece of me, still yearning, hoping for Neel to follow me. To save me from the dark abyss that my life has become. I feel dissapointed that I want him that much. When did I started needing people to keep me safe and happy?!

But what really ticks me off is that I don't hear Neel's voice though, which feels like a massive punch in the gut. He won't come, Aashi. Just keep moving. Just keep walking. One step at a time.

Fortunately, before the elevator's doors can close, I see him walking out of the showroom with his beloved purchase in hand. The sliding doors snap shut, before I can even catch his eyes or catch what is behind them.

I see Ria doing a small jog and gesture for her to check her cellphone. She almost breaks into a run towards these automatic doors of the lift as she sees them moving, but it closes before she can even make it.

It's good that she doesn't. Because right fucking now. . . I want to be alone too. I have to clean my conscience and get rid of all the questions that's puzzling my head.
And to achieve that, I need to go away for a while.

*Ria will definitely try to steer me in the direction of Neel, because suddenly she loves him so much. More so than me.*

I take out my cellphone and instantly text her.

*ME*

Please don't follow me, Rii. I want to be alone right now. Please don't give up your day of shopping. And, you've got company. Stay with him. I'll see you in the morning. X

*Ria*

Come back, bish. How even could you think that? That I'll leave you alone? For a guy? Wait for me in the front of the mall sliding doors.

I can't even bring myself to reply because in a matter of seconds the elevator reaches to the ground floor.

The magnetic doors of the lift slides open on the ground floor, in front of the parking lot, and right before I can make out of the silent alley, two heavy hands are around my shoulder, grabbing me and scaring the hell out of me.

*Why didn't I let Ria accompany me? It's not too late to text her and let her know I'm running from the back door.*

Just before I can take a swerve, beat and snark and twist out of the strong hold on my shoulders, they are pushing me back to the end of the parking lot, to a silent corner and towards a huge wall. I'm in so much panic that I don't even recognise the hands of a familiar person.

My breath catches in my throat, and my back meets the cold surface of a wall, tingles shooting through my spine when my manhandler turns me around to face him.

"Why are you always running away from me, Aashi? "

"What kind of behaviour is this, Neel?" His hands immediately leave my body. "Do you know how panicked I got?"

"Behaviour – you want to talk about behaviour now. I just said that I liked you too. I wanted- wanted you to just listen to me. That's all I said."

"And, I don't know what to say to *that*." I huff and cross my hands over my chest, and he leans more towards me, pressing me more closely to the wall, his fingers attached to my wrists and separating them, hence ruining my attempt at crossing them to look aloof and intimidating.

"It's okay if you don't have anything to say about this. But. . . you just abandon me? Why are you always trying to run away from me ib fright? It makes me feel like absolute shit. Like I've done something very wrong. And, it's a *very* crappy feeling to have." He puts a palm over his heart, skin peeking out of the white button down he's got on over chest, as if to convey the pain he's going through.

I gulp and take in a long breath as my throat moves up and down, shifting and letting the words dawn on me. His eyes are so earnest, emblazing and clearer like an evergreen forest fire. He looks so honest and sincere- so much so- as if he is not lying or fucking around like he usually is. Or, teasing me, like he's always is with me.

His eyes reminds me of a blazing emerald gemstone, having a fire and shine, with an intensity so hard and unwavering that it can easily knock someone down.

It would suck if that someone was *me*.

"I can't — can't do this right now." I finally manage to pull off a coherent sentence that still manages to make less sense under his hard, unpatronizing gaze.

"Fuck this. This is too hard." His hands are lifting my wrists, which are being kept warm due to his body heat,  and calming me down. He backs away in a glided movement, wounded. His face is paler than it's usually is. All signs of life is dissociated from his body.

"I didn't - I didn't mean to hurt you Ne —" Before I can even finish the sentence, he's looking at me like I've already stabbed him with a butcher knife a hundred times over and over. His words that follow cut me deeper on the inside.

"Walk away, Aashi. Like you've always done." And, his back is turned to me, like he's floating away.

*Come back Neel. Come back.*

"What's that supposed to mean, huh?" I finally muster enough courage to form my fears into a sentence.

"Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about." And he's pushing the buttons for the elevators to come down, and miraculously one button red shoots down, and the gates open for him to step in. He's gone. With his intense glare piercing my skin.

Just.

Like.

That.

****

Many people are very much stronger in the broken and in the right places. Some circumstances break you, confuse you, consolidate your fears and builds you up at the same time.

Some of the many fears I've possessed in my life, came from a place of deep shame and inseciruty. Years of listening to my friends and peers have finally gotten to me. Sometimes, I wake up in the middle of the night because I have a bad dream and there's Rohit's voice echoing in my ears that I'm nothing, worthless, of no value.

I started walking around in the trance of nothingness, until Neel knocked on my door. But, when things are happening this fast and unsteady, sometimes I find myself falling over the edge of the cliff before a whisper of wind passes me by.

What if it's all a bad dream? What if I'm living it and at the same time I'm walking through it?

Sadness has overwhelmed my eyes for years;  for a very, very long while. Just now, my fingers found a way to reach through the light switch and  flick it on. And it's terrified. It's deeply scared to peddle into the unknown.

*****

"So you let him go." Ria's voice cuts through the static, as she's humming her condescending, but concerned tone in the background. She doesn't know she hums like this when she's jittery or annoyed but she does. I'm finally talking to her after I made her calm down after my move of abandonment a few hours earlier. It took me  three hours of randomly texting her and fifteen minutes of giving her authentic compliments over the phone to make her talk to me again.

"Apparently." I dead- pan without any hint of sarcasm.

"You fucked up big time, Ashu. I know you like him. He knows you like him. Why is it so difficult for you to-- just, uhh-- you know accept?"

"What Ria? I DON'T LIKE HIM?! What the hell? Whose side you are on?"

"I'm on your side. But, whatever floats your boat."

"Doesn't look it." I mumble into the cellphone while gazing out of my window. I don't know why but I wish Neel will show up or end up in my driveway at any recurring moment.

"Whatever, uggh, at least, you are losing a great friend in the process, hello!" Ria tries to knock some sense into me, but all she does is increase her humming to a very high, shrill pitch.

"I know." I sigh over the static.

"So. . . what are you gonna do about it?"

"I don't know. He's the one who fucked things up." I sigh again but with a hint of malice in my voice.

"Aashi!"

"Ria!"

"Aashi."

"Ria."

"Arrgh, you are such a kid. Now, only our gods can help you." I can see her rolling her eyes over the phone and stomping her feet.

"Yeah, like whatever. " I cut her short.

"So you don't care about him?"
There's that concerned voice again but no humming.

"I don't. " I lie. Yes, I lie to my best friend. I lie so straight into the grave, that no one can bring me up to the insurmountable living in a million years.

"Keep telling yourself that." And before I can supply my best friend with another sassy remark of mine, the line goes dead.