I patted a Snickers bar against my palm as I approached Dakota's room in the infirmary. Daryl got it for me when he and Michonne went on a short run to find more bandages for our injured family.

I knocked on the door lightly before opening it. Dakota didn't look up from her crossword puzzle book which was balanced on her knees. I knew she saw me but she didn't act like it.

I held up the candy, the wrapper crackling. "I brought your favorite," I said.

She continued to scribble in letters without acknowledging me. I let out a frustrated huff. Instead of asking her to talk to me, I would make her. I went over and snatched the book away.

"Hey!" Dakota shouted. She tried reaching for it with her handless arm but paused midreach when she realized her mistake. She shut her eyes so tight her eyelids crinkled. "What do you want?"

"I wanted to give you this Snickers," I responded matter of factly.

Dakota finally opened her eyes and looked at me. This time, she used her right hand to take the treat. Then, she used her teeth to rip the brown wrapper open. I pulled up a chair and watched as she took a huge bite. It was a relief to see that she still loved those. I wasn't sure after being separated for so long.

"You get to go home tomorrow, that must be excitin'."

"Yeah, so exciting."

I clicked my tongue against my teeth. "I'm not doin' this with you again today."

Dakota slammed the Snickers in her lap. "Doin' what?"

"You know what," I told her. "Ever since you woke up you've been givin' me the cold shoulder."

"I wonder why," she muttered while crossing her arms and staring in the opposite direction from where I was sitting.

I leaned forward. "What did you want me to do? Huh? Let you die?"

"Maybe you should have!" Her chest heaved and her face was getting red. "I can't do my hair, I can't tie my shoes, I can't even itch my other fucking arm!"

"Blair and I can do that all for you! You really think you'd better off dead because you can't tie your hair in a fucking ponytail?"

"Yes!" Dakota yelled, her blue eyes opened wide. "I'm a freak! Everyone who visits stares at me. All they do is feel bad for me and tell me how strong I am. I hate it!"

"Stop bein' such a brat!" I yelled back. "There are so many people I wish could be where you are right now. But they're all dead and you're not. Get over yourself. You are so lucky to be alive even if you are missin' a hand. I would have been devastated if I couldn't save you. I would have let those walkers take me too. This isn't just about you or me. There are so many people here who love and care about you, Dakota. This is not the end of the world."

Her eyes landed in her lap. Her mouth was downturned and her fingers fiddled with the plastic wrapper. She sniffled. "I just want to feel normal again," she whispered. "When I was out, I dreamt about that man tryin' to kill me. Me killin' him. There was so much blood when his guts spilled out of his stomach. Then the dream would jump to my own skin being ripped off. It's all I think about--constantly."

I wanted to cry but I didn't. I had to stay strong for her. "I wish I could tell you you won't think about it tomorrow. That it'll all disappear from your head, but that's not the truth. I still have nightmares about Will. I used to have them about you and Blair before I found you. Sometimes when I'm layin' in bed tryin' to sleep, I get flashes of the people I've killed and the people I couldn't save."

Dakota turned away from me and pushed her red hair in front of her face. She never liked me to see her be this vulnerable. 

I bit my lip before continuing, "What I can tell you though is that it gets better. Glenn told me that a long time ago. I didn't believe him at first but it was true. Those dreams, those thoughts, they won't go away entirely, but you'll learn how to live with them."

"Yeah, sure I will." I could tell she was crying by the way her voice wavered.

"Let's breath together, like we used to," I said while grabbing her hand. She yanked it away from me.

"Leave me alone," Dakota snapped.

We peered at each other intensely. It was like we were having an old Western standoff. One of us would draw our pistols at any moment and fire.

I broke the tension with a sigh. "Fine. I'll be on watch if you need me."

I started to leave. My heart fell into my stomach.

"Jo?"

My spirits leaped. Maybe she needed me after all. I twisted around to face her with a soft expression.

"Give me my crosswords back."

My smile immediately fell. I handed Dakota the book and left without another word between us.

Just as I was exiting the infirmary, Blair was walking up with a Tupperware container and a lunchbox in her hands. "How'd she like the Snickers?" she asked.

"She seemed to like it. But she definitely didn't like me bein' there," I huffed.

Blair's shoulders sagged. "You two fought again?"

"I tried to be nice." I threw my hands in frustration. "No matter what I do she acts like I'm the worst person in the world. It's impossible for me to get through to her. I don't know what to do anymore."

"She's dealing with a lot."

"And I understand that. But that doesn't mean she has to give me an attitude when I'm just tryin' to help her and spend time with her. I don't get why all of her anger has to be directed at me."

"We all deal with this stuff in our own ways," Blair said. "I'll talk to her. See if I can push her in the right direction."

"Good luck," I mumbled. "I gotta get to my shift."

"Here's your supper." Blair held out the lunchbox. "Chicken salad sandwich. You need the protein."

I took the cloth container with a "Thanks."

I climbed up the ladder onto the reinforced watch tower. It had been damaged when the walkers were trying to get Maggie.

Sasha's eyebrows rose in surprise. "You're early," she stated, handing me the rifle.

"Yeah, I know," I responded in a monotone voice.

"Bad day?"

"You could say that."

"A walker's coming this way between the blue and white houses." Sasha patted my back and looked at me with complete understanding. "Blow off some steam."

As Sasha descended the ladder, I propped up the rifle on the wall. I peered out the scope in the direction she pointed me to. The walker was coming toward the front gate, its right arm was barely hanging onto its shoulder.

I got its head in my crosshairs before pulling the trigger. The top of its skull flew backward and landed on a rusted, broken-down car.  Some of my stress melted away as the walker's body crumbled to the ground.

During my shift, I killed three more walkers. I was disappointed there wasn't more, but I guess that was a good thing considering how many we had to kill at the beginning of the week.

The moon was rising in the sky, taking the sun's place.

The wooden platform I was standing on shook slightly. I looked over, waiting for the person who was climbing up to appear.

After a few seconds, Rick's head came into view. His biceps bludged as he pulled himself up. I noticed his curls were wet like he had just taken a shower. Even from a foot away, I could smell his lavender shampoo. I wished I could have been in that shower with him. Soaping up his toned body, feeling his bare skin on mine, kissing his neck. 

Oh my God, Jo. Stop. You're supposed to be friends. Remember? He just lost Jessie.

"How's watch goin'?" Rick asked, stepping closer to me.

My cheeks were red with embarrassment like he could read my mind. I cleared my throat. "Nothin' to write home about," I replied.

"Is that bad?"

"Not at all."

The sky turned into a vibrant mixture of blue, pink, and orange. Large clouds moved slowly across the heavens.  It was one of the most stunning sunsets I had seen in a while. I had almost forgotten that there was still beauty in this rotten world.

"Wow," breathed Rick.

I longed for Dakota to watch this with me but she couldn't even stand being around me.

"Yeah," I agreed absent-mindedly.

"What's on your mind?"

"Huh?"

Rick gestured to the sunset. "I see you're lookin', but you're not actually seein'. Your head is elsewhere."

I let out one short laugh. "I forgot how good you are at readin' me."

I hoped he wasn't that good considering my earlier thoughts.

"It's Dakota," I sighed. "She's mad at me for savin' her. I was visiting her earlier and it felt like I was talkin' to a brick wall. She's so stubborn sometimes, it gets on my nerves."

"Sounds like someone I know," Rick said with a twinkle in his eyes.

I smirked and elbowed the man gently, making him sway to the side. "Yeah, yeah, whatever."

Rick returned the favor before saying, "She's mad at you for that?"

"Yeah. She told me she's havin' nightmares about the Wolves and about gettin' bit. She doesn't know how to be okay without her hand. She brings me close one second then pushes me away the next. I just want her back. One of us could die tomorrow and this is how we would leave it. How she would leave it."

Rick thought for a moment while moving even closer to me. The sleeve of his brown, sherpa-lined jacket brushed against my bare arm.

"After the Governor destroyed the prison, when I was beaten and bloody, Carl was pissed at me. He wouldn't look at me, he'd walk five feet ahead of me, he had a very short fuse with anything I'd do." He tapped his finger on the wooden railing. "It took him a little bit to realize he wasn't mad at me but instead he was mad at what happened. He got so used to livin' comfortably, so when it was all gone, he didn't know how to handle it since he was still so young. Dakota hasn't been outside the walls in a long time. In a way, her mind is a lot like Carl's was then because she doesn't know how to aim her anger at the right thing."

"I know she doesn't. I don't know how to show her that though."

"You can't. She has to see it herself."

I pressed my hands against the railing and leaned against it. "I wish she didn't have to. I wish I could have protected her and kept her innocence for as long as possible."

"I wanted that for Carl, too," Rick admitted. "But it can't happen that way. Dakota will come around, just give it time."

I refused to tell my sisters what I went through; all the pain and suffering I endured. I thought they'd be better off. Maybe I was doing more harm than good.

"Speakin' of Carl, how's he doin' today? I didn't have the chance to visit him," I said.

Rick sighed. "He's still gettin' used to not seein' well. He tried to toss a crumpled-up piece of paper in the garbage and completely missed. He tried again and again and still couldn't make it. That really upset him. I told him we'd work on his depth perception but he doesn't seem very hopeful about the situation."

"Well, he was very proud that he was a good shot. Without his other eye, he has to start over again basically."

"Yeah, I know. He wants to protect his family and he can't do that right now."

I crossed my arms. "Why do these bad things happen to the people we love and not us?"

Rick clenched his jaw. "I wish I knew."

The colors in the sky faded as the cicadas began their nightly song. A cool breeze blew over me. I shivered and rubbed my arms.

"Here," Rick said while taking off his jacket.

I shook my head. "No, no. I'm fine. You'll get cold," I said.

He held the clothing out to me. He eyed it before meeting my gaze. "I have thick skin. I think I'll be okay."

"Rick, I swear, I'm fine."

Rick practically shoved the jacket in my arms. "Take the damn coat, Jolene."

I took the rough fabric in my fingers as I rolled my eyes. I begrudgingly slipped it on my body. Although it fit Rick perfectly, the sleeves hung over my hands. His scent wafted into my nostrils. Spring air, dirt, birch trees.

I soaked in this moment and imagined it was Rick's arms around me and not his jacket.

Rick reached into the back pocket of his jeans and pulled out a silver flask. "I thought it was about time we had that drink."

A grin emerged on my face at the fact that he remembered that brief moment in the RV. I bent down and picked up the lunch box. "I brought dinner."

"Perfect." Rick unscrewed the cap. He took a drink, his face scrunching up slightly as he swallowed. "I forget how much I don't enjoy rum."

"Good thing I like it then," I said, taking the flask from his hand. The liquid ran down my throat and left a comforting burning.

"You like everything. You're one of the least picky people I've ever met," he replied.

"I don't like everything. I actually despise peanut butter."

Rick's eyes widened and his mouth fell open. "You don't like peanut butter? What's wrong with you?"

I shook my head and rolled my eyes with a smile. "I ate it so much as a kid that I just started hatin' it. Look at it this way, if we ever find some on a run, it's all yours."

"You know, that's a great point. I'm glad you don't like it now. We'll never have to fight over peanut butter granola bars."

"I will fight you over the chocolate chip ones though."

"Noted."

I unzipped the lunch box and pulled out a plastic baggie. Luckily, Blair had already cut the sandwich in half.

I grabbed one and gave it to Rick. He took a large bite. "This is really good," he said with a mouthful of chicken salad.

"Thank Blair. She made it for me," I told him. "She's always been a good cook."

"I need to come over for dinner more."

I wanted to say, 'Come over for dinner every night.' But I bit my tongue and instead took another drink of rum.

We ate and continued to pass the flask back and forth.

Over the past few days, I had tried to shove my feelings into a dark chasm. No matter how hard I tried, they remained. His kiss had unlocked my heart and there was no undoing it. I needed him like my lungs need air, like my organs need water, like my brain needs serotonin.

I glanced over at Rick. On the corner of his mouth was a piece of the sandwich.

I pointed to his face. "You have something..."

Rick attempted to use his tongue to get the food. He was unsuccessful.

"Here," I said as I reached forward and wiped away the bread with my thumb.

As I was about to retract my arm, Rick placed his hand on mine and pressed my palm against his cheek. Electricity shot through my veins.

My eyes finally met his. It was like they were trying to tell me something; send me some message that I couldn't decipher. His expression was gentle, caring, and maybe even loving.

Was he going to say something? Was he going to tell me that the kiss was more than a regrettable distraction?

My heart leaped in my chest as he continued to look at me. My eyes darted away, my nerves taking over. When I looked back up, Rick was staring into the interior of Alexandria. He quickly removed my hand. I furrowed my eyebrows and saw Rosita approaching the platform.

Rick cleared his throat and said, "Looks like it's time for us to go."

"Yeah," I whispered then bit my lip.

Silently, I followed Rick down the ladder.

"Have a good night, Jo."

"Night," I responded after I had already begun walking away. I wasn't even sure if he heard me, but I couldn't stand being around him for another second.

Tears streamed down my face as I stomped back to my house. My teeth chattered with overwhelming anger that was fueled by the rum in my system.

What was he trying to do to me? That wasn't a friendly gesture. It was one of love and affection. He obviously didn't want anyone else to see it though. 

Did he want a secret hookup? Did he just want attention? Validation? 

God, how could I be so stupid? How could I let myself kiss him in the first place? He can't even stand being seen with me in an intimate light. It was clear to me now that I needed to do whatever it took to move on. It had only been a week since Alexandria was overrun and Rick had already made me feel so hopeless.

As I reached the first step of my house, I abruptly stopped. I sharply turned and went back down the street. My feet took me to the largest house in the town. I knocked on the door and waited with my hands on my hips.

The door opened to reveal Spencer with a bottle of Jack Daniel's in his hand.

"Jolene? What are you doing here?" the man asked, quickly placing the bottle on the entryway table. 

"Do you want to fuck me?" I questioned bluntly.

Spencer's eyes widened. He attempted to speak but it all came out in a jumbled mess.

"Yes or no?"

"Sorry, you caught me off guard. But..."  He straightened his posture. "Yes."

I immediately smashed my lips onto Spencer's as soon as the word left his mouth. He put his hands on my waist and used his foot to slam the door shut. We continued making out as he led me to the couch. He sat and I straddled his lap.

Spencer's touch was nothing compared to Rick's. It was the complete opposite. Rick's made me feel alive, Spencer's made me feel numb. But numbness was what I needed.

I stripped off my shirt and threw it across the living room. Spencer's lips moved down my neck and my chest. His hand cupped my bra-covered breast. I let out a small moan.

I hadn't had sex--or done anything close to this--in a long time. I couldn't do anything with Tate because it would have felt too weird. Too wrong. There was one man, Dameon, I had been with briefly about a year after Will died. We weren't together or anything but we did have sex a couple of times before he died along with the rest of our group.

Soon, Spencer and I made our way to his bedroom. We left a trail of clothes behind us.

As he fucked me, I closed my eyes and imagined he was someone else. I imagined Rick was with me. Inside of me.

I felt bad for using the man. But he was probably using me too since he had just lost his mom.

When we were done, I laid in his bed and stared up at the ceiling until he fell asleep. When I heard the first snore leave his throat, I carefully stood up, gathered and put on my clothes, and walked home.

All I could think about was what it would be like to be with Rick like I was with Spencer. My sad attempt at my own distraction didn't work. If anything, it made me want the sheriff more.