Author: @MiriamCortinovis

Cover:

Very eery and cool looking cover. It has a lot of atmosphere and I like that a part of the image goes slightly in front of the title. I'm not sure what the image is, or what is going on, but it looks good, and maybe it'll be made clear in the story. The only suggestion I have is that the 'Book I' part could have a clearer '1' font, rather than it looking like a straight divider line or a capital i.

Blurb:

The blurb features a quote, although instead of quotation marks there are commas used, which looks odd. A lot of the blurb sounds cool and interesting, but it's also fairly confusing. It mentions Krym, but there is no detail as to who or what Krym is. It mentions the Elite game, the Spinster, Titania Orchestra, but no information as to what these are. A little more set up of the world would be good, to tell us what to expect and what the names given to us mean. It does sound like an interesting story though, and a good concept. I would suggest reading the blurbs of other similar stories, or books that have inspired to story, to see how other people have handled a blurb like this.

Chapter:

The intro and character descriptions are a nice touch, and something you don't see often. It uses the multimedia aspect of a site like Wattpad, for those who enjoy story supplementation like these.

It could do with a little more scene setting and world building near the beginning. We learn that she goes from the toilets to a cafeteria, and she's surrounded by comrades, but little else to help paint a picture of the world or the situation. Same for the second part with the other characters searching for something. A little more scene setting can go a long way. There could also be a lot more tension while they're searching, to increase the drama and tension of the scene.

When Saga speaks with Elijah, while their dialogue sounded natural enough, there could be a little more exposition thrown in, to tell us exactly what they're talking about. They talk about something without saying it, which doesn't give the reader much information. We don't have many clues as to how/why she's 'destroying' herself, or what her relationship to Elijah is. Being a little more specific (without going too far into exposition-dialogue) could be good. The trick is to give us exposition but make it sound natural.

Some inner thoughts and insights into the character would be good, to hear what she thinks/how she feels in situations. It'll help her feel like a real, fleshed out character. People are generally very complex with a lot of minute details to give them. The tension between some of the characters, near the end of the chapter, worked well. Conflict and contrast makes characters even more interesting to read, especially a group forced to work together.

The last line is good to end the chapter on - someone interrupting them and coming into the scene - but it feels like there should be a little more here. Tell us that someone has just come in, rather than doing it just in dialogue, that could come off as a little confusing to some.

It's obvious that English isn't the first language of the writer, so I would recommend having a native English speaker read over and correct a few minor grammar issues. It's good to have beta-readers anyway.

There's definitely a lot of good elements here, and the world sounds very interesting and well thought out. Just some more world building, scene setting, and character inner thoughts, would work to strengthen the chapter.  

Best of luck with the story!