How many times have I said I'm sorry

Before it sounded hollow even to me?

How many times have I kept silent,

Suppressed my feelings...

How many times did I attack myself

With words of hate before I realized

How much damage was done?

It's happening again.

It's a vicious cycle that sends everyone

I love into overdrive, and sometimes

Cost a life.

It never stops, the more it happens

The further down I go.

I want to be stable, but in the midst

Of all this chaos, it's all I can do

From having a breakdown.

I've had at least five this Summer.

She's on the brink of death but

I'm ready.

I want her to have peace.

I want my mother to finally have peace.

I just want her to be happy.

Death is familiar to me.

I'd thought I'd be okay with her

But I'm not.

I miss Grandpa.

I miss Tiger.

I miss Tailgatto.

And I'm going to miss my grandmother.

My Mommie. The one who raised me

For a short time.

The one who loved me with all she had.

Maybe one day I'll be happy.

Maybe one day, I'll love myself the way

I'm supposed to.

One day I'll look back and say "I made it!"

But not today. Today, all I can do is survive.

~

The next one will be happy, I promise!