I'm having that dream again.

Not about Harmen with his whip and questions. Those are rare, lately appearing far less often than my current nightmare.

I almost miss the old visions, they didn't hurt as much.

In the dream I am lying in bed. My pillow and sheets are gripped tightly as I fight for breath. Loneliness cuts through me, sharp as knives and I shiver from the chill made worse by my sweat.

Then, mercifully, I feel a wonderful warmth. Heat seeps through the scarred skin at my back as his chest presses into me. Strong arms snake their way around my torso and I melt into him.

Smiling with pleasure I roll over, searching.

This dream isn't like the others.

Instead of Will's steely grey eyes I am staring into two blue-black pools.

I awake with a start. Darkness surrounds me but I wait and soon, my eyes adjust. The dirty floor of one of Babel's tunnels appears first, then Luca's sleeping form a second later. He rests with his back to me a couple yards away and for several moments I watch his shoulders fall up and down in tune with his breath. I recall my relief at having seen him returned from the Tower but not my surprise. Luca manages. He always does.

As if sensing my eyes on him he rolls over. Even in the dim light I can see his question.

"What did you do with the Tech?" I ask in a whisper.

A small sigh. "She is gone."

Numbness at hearing what I already knew spoken out loud. My failure and loss of control left Luca with no other choice. I hate myself for making him kill. It isn't easy on him, no matter how familiar he is with death.

"Go easy on yourself." Luca's voice floats through the darkness. "She felt no pain, no fear."

It was better than she deserved.

The whispers come on suddenly, crowding my sleep-dampened mind.

She was a monster. They all are.

I clap my hands down over my ears but the whispers only grow louder.

Rid first this dome, then the whole world of their poison.

"Enough." WIthout my noticing, Luca has managed to close the distance between us. "Enough of this place. Come. Grab your things."

I stumble around the other sleeping forms, haphazardly stuffing my pack and pulling it closed, pausing only to check that my father's dagger is tucked securely against my leg. My heart is hammering heavily now, the whispers unintelligible so long as I can focus, so long as I can keep myself on task.

We weave soundlessly though Babel's underground labyrinth, our journey to the surface feeling like an extension of my dream. The distant shrieks of the Scorched intermingle with the murmurs in my head and beneath it all there is a fluttering, an urgency that I can't quite place. It isn't until we shoulder our way through the rocks and feel the blast of night air against our faces that I recognize this sensation.

Relief.

My legs give out and I collapse to my hands and knees. Sand spills between my fingers as my grip tightens, my lungs swelling and practically bursting from the exhilaration of open ground stretching before me once more.

Lifting my head, I shut my eyes against the cooling breeze, letting the desert wash over me and welcome me home.

All at once, my strength returns. I jump to my feet and tighten the pack sitting across my shoulders. A glance at Luca and then I am off, streaking like a star loosed from the sky.

Arms and legs pumping, heart steadying, I fall into stride. The earth pushes me further and further, higher and higher. I run without direction, without purpose. I run just to run.

Blue and black rush by me, erasing any lingering red. Night sky meets moonlit desert and I chew up the hard-packed ground, relishing the pinpricks of pebbles loosened by the land. The sting feeds me, fuels me, reminds me what it is to be alive.

It is only when my lungs threaten to constrict that I slow, resting against the side of a dusty rock and revelling at the sensation of blood coursing through my veins. Luca draws to a stop a few seconds later and hunches over with his hands on his knees. The moon is but a sliver and landscape stretching around us is rugged, made wilder by the infinity of stars beyond.

When I speak, my voice is hoarse. "I'm sorry."

"That...I'm...slow?" He heaves between words.

"For all of if." I blurt. "For everything I've put you through."

He shakes his head, running a wrist across his brow. "Stop." He draws another rattling breath. "Just stop. Stop apologizing for what you are."

My cheeks burn and I'm grateful for the night.

"That place." Luca straightens, rolling his shoulders to loosen his muscles. "That place is like an infection. Those walls and that darkness. It is unnatural, it plays tricks on us."

Nodding, I stare out into the darkness. Vaguely, I realize that Luca is right. Since stepping foot back into the desert, the whispers have been silenced.

"It's so hard to think down there." Visions of stone walls closing in around me causes goosebumps to rise on my clammy skin. My back itches beneath the scars and I run my hands up and down my arms to warm them.

"So, we step back." Luca says. "We think out here, breathe out here and when you are ready, we go back in."

I nod my agreement, cursing myself for lacking the wisdom to leave that place days ago. I got too arrogant, pushed myself too close to the brink. If it wasn't for Luca's quick actions, the Madam would already have won.  Having to depend on him to see what I can't is a terrifying prospect, one that makes the solid ground beneath me appear precarious.

I need to learn how to handle these episodes. I can't let the cloud of red stand between me and my victory. If madness wants to take me, it will have to wait. For now, I thank the god of luck for not revealing my recent slips of the mind to anyone but Luca. If I am to command both the Wasters and the City defectors, I have to appear in control. One misstep could cost everything.

"That's a good idea." I say, finally. "There's nothing to be accomplished by lingering so close to the Madam. I just need a bit of time." Rubbing my eyes as exhaustion settles heavily over me.

"You should sleep." He says. "Go on. I will take first watch."

"Don't let me sleep too long." I'm already laying out my cloak and wrapping myself up in it. "You need some rest as well, wake me in a couple hours."

"You have my word."

As I wait for sleep to take me, I revel in the simple pleasure of open air. What appears to be silence is actually a million small sounds intermingling and adding their own unique voice. I hear the breeze, sand shifting, countless insects and animals and Luca's own slow, even breaths.

Without opening my eyes, I speak into the darkness and peaceful chaos. "Good night, Luca."

"Good night, Kay."

* * * * *

We pick up on some Waster tracks by midday. Few footprints become many and soon we are jogging along the route of a sizable Waster encampment, following the dusty imprints far North of the river. Tracking becomes more difficult once we reach the dunes but Luca manages to trace a weaving path through the hills of fine sand. Running causes the ever-present ache of hunger to throb anew and I realize with a start that we haven't come across a single animal or edible plant all day.

A scout picks us up a couple hours later and escorts us the rest of the way to camp. A twinge of nervousness pricks at me as the many tents come into view, as I remember that a certain grudge-harbouring Waster may be in residence.

"Is Jaron here?" I ask the scout, purposefully neglecting the chieftain's title.

"He was." The scout answers. "He moved out a couple days past."

Luca's barely-audible sigh of relief echoes my own. I thrust my chin high as we enter camp, smiling broadly as I greet friends and fellow warriors.

"Finally!" A cheerful voice cries out from behind and Luca is pulled suddenly into Noah's arms. "I was beginning to wonder if you had forgotten us."

"If only I could." Luca ducks as Noah makes to grab his hair.

"What is this? My wildling brother has lost his mane? And you," Noah turns to me and stretches his eyes wide. "I did not recognize you at first."

"Not all armour is leather and bone." I resist the urge to finger my dyed locks self-consciously.

"You are formidable at any shade. Luca, on the other hand." Noah shakes his head sadly. "There is just no helping some misfortunes."

Laugher as Luca swipes his bow at his brother's feet. Noah dodges gamely and loops an arm over each of our shoulders. His easy manner makes me think of Frye and I feel a pang at missing my own brother. For the first time in ages I imagine what life will be like once all this is over. Frye and I will finally be able to waste our days together, making up for all the time we lost.

I keep mostly to myself as we eat and drink, preferring to watch the goings-on and stew in my own thoughts. The sparse meal does little to ease my stomach and I feel the alcohol more acutely. When a cheer goes up from the far end of the campfire it takes me an extra beat to look up and register the sight.

A crowd is surrounding the corpse of one of the Madam's mechanical lions. I jump to my feet, shouldering my way closer. The beast has been rolled into camp atop a cart driven by a dozen hunters and the victorious crew linger close to their trophy, standing tall with their bloodied staffs glistening.

"Well done." I extend a hand to the nearest hunter and clap him on the back. "Were any lost on your hunt?"

"Not one." The boy grins. "We drew the creature out, picked away at it. It is fast but we are faster."

"That you are." I admire the catch, taking the opportunity to study the metallic plates and gear strapped to the lion's chest. "And it's that ingenuity that's going to win us this war."

My words cause recognition to dawn and the boy colours bright red. I turn away, letting the drink feed my boldness and heaving myself up onto the cart alongside the lion.

"An impressive catch," I shout into the joyous chatter. "Will make an impressive feast!"

Roars of approval greet my ears and I accept someone's offer of a knife, lending my hand in preparing the meal. We make quick work of the Madam's monstrosity and soon, the sweet smell of roasting meat fills the camp.

My presence known, I recede once more into the background, sipping at my drink and staring into the flames until my addled mind gives way to a nervous energy. I rise to my feet and slip away from the fire, making my way past the temporary structures that make up our travelling village. It isn't until the spicy aroma of strong tea enters my nostrils that I realize where I'm headed.

"Is that the famous Runner I have heard so much about?" Cade is crouched over a small fire outside his tent. He straightens at my approach, his movements smooth and reminiscent of a man half his age.

"Sorry to disappoint you. It's just me." I make a sweeping gesture with my hands. "Kay."

"Even better." White teeth show through his grey beard. "I was just taking the kettle off. Would you care for a tea?"

"I thought you'd never ask."

Cade holds the sand-coloured curtain open and I am swept inside. Sinking down onto a cushion I glance about, smiling over the fact that modest Cade travels with such a comfortably-sized tent.

"I know what you are thinking." Cade presses a warm mug into my hand and settles his long limbs into a seated position across from me. "But such luxury is not for me, it is for my friends." He nods over my shoulder, directing my attention to a trunk full of books. "I can not have them exposed to such harsh elements, you see."

"Yes, but do you have to travel with so many books?" I raise my eyebrows. "You cannot possibly be reading them all."

"One never knows what mood or situation will strike." He replies. "No harm can come from being prepared."

"Fair point." I settle back against the trunk and raise my drink to my lips, making a show of taking a cautious sip.

Cade smiles approvingly. I return his smile and take another swig, knowing that it's too hot but savouring the burn.

"I have missed our little chats." Cade says. "I am afraid that I let myself become too used to your presence these last few months. I should have known better, you are not one to linger in one place for long."

"I get antsy." I reply. "And there's much to be done."

"I wonder if your task will ever be complete." He blows gently on his cup.

"Of course it will." I say defensively. "Once the Madam is gone and our home is rid of her evil."

"So you say, but I suspect that there will be another fight soon after that." He tilts his head. "Then another."

"You can suspect anything you like." I recross my legs, settling back against the book trunk. "But there's no point in trying to predict the future."

"But it is not the future that I am speaking of." Cade says. "It is the past."

Smoke and vapour cloud my senses, making my thoughts sluggish. I grasp Cade's meaning a moment later and groan, shaking my head. "Too clever, even for you."

"I take that as a compliment." Cade chuckles. "You know, I had our friend Jaron sitting precisely where you are only a few nights ago."

"You are a popular fellow." I pretend indifference. "You've been hosting every manner of beast."

"That seems to be my specialty."

Staring into the inky blackness of my tea, "He isn't the biggest fan of me right now."

"Do you blame him?"

"Of course not." I sigh. "But I did what I had to do. Jaron is a skilled chieftain. I want his help, I need his help but an army can't function under two leaders."

"Your focus is singular in this."

"It has to be. I can't afford to waste any time." As if in reminder, a tinge of red flickers at the corner of my eye.

"Why do you say that?"

"Because something's coming for me." I rub my head. "I don't know what, exactly but I know it's getting closer."

"Will it win?"

"Not if I can help it." I say, too loudly. I inhale a quieting breath, readying myself. "There's something I need to ask you."

"Ask it."

"I need help." The words tumble in a confession. "I don't know how to fight this. I don't know how to arm myself against my own mind."

Cade is nodding slowly. "I see."

"I know how it sounds." My tongue feels thick in my mouth. "I can't make sense of it either. All I know is that I can't trust myself anymore. There's a cloud and then this... this power comes over me and I lose control and... things happen."

"What do you mean, things?"

"I attack." I say plainly. "I become this uncontrollable, violent monster. Luca has been there, so far but I'm afraid-"

Words catch in my throat, scratching and sticking.

"Go on."

"I'm afraid that a day is soon coming where he won't be able to stop me." I finish carefully.

Cade places his drink on the ground and leans back. I squirm a little under his clear-eyed gaze, the walls of the spacious tent feeling too close.

"So, what I need," I speak haltingly. "I need you to show me how to manage these... episodes. Some trick, some way of training myself perhaps. I can learn quickly."

"My Kay." Cade holds up a hand. "You know that there is no trick to fix something such as this."

"I only need to put it off for a short while." I say, internally cringing at the desperation in my voice. "There must be some way to manage the madness, just for a little longer."

He doesn't say anything for an immeasurably long time. I watch as he lifts the pot and pours more tea into each of our cups, the action patient and precise. The feeling of a freshly-warmed drink helps to quell my anxiety and I grip it tightly while waiting for him to speak.

"What you are asking will do more harm than good." Cade's voice seeps through the fragrant air. "You must face this beast, not run from it."

"I will face it, soon." My teeth are clenched. "Right now, there's too much at stake."

"The past is not something to fear."

"I'm not scared," Tea splashes our legs as I slam my cup to the ground. Cade doesn't so much as flinch. "And I'm not running. I'm just trying to be that person you all want me to be. A saviour, isn't that right? You need me to win us that dome before we all die of starvation. Now, are you going to help me, or not?"

He takes another drawn-out sip from his cup while watching me carefully. I sit and seethe, hands clenching and unclenching as I colour with shame.

"I'm sorry." I say, eyes downcast. I scuff a toe against the tea-stained rug. "I'll clean that up."

"Forget the tea." Cade hand falls on top of mine. "What is it that you want, Kay?"

"I told you, I-"

"To save us all, yes. I know what it is you aim for, what I am asking is what you want. What do you crave, in your heart of hearts? For yourself, only and no other."

I blink, opening my mouth and closing it again. I stare past Cade towards the tent flaps blowing gently in the breeze. I think of the expanse beyond, of sky and earth and the limitless paths they could lead. I think of my dream, of warm arms holding me tight and the peace that they brought.

My gaze shifts back to Cade. Barely-distinguishable wisps of vapour dance along his beard and hair as he waits, ever-patient.

"What I want..." I say slowly. "Is not so important. What I need is to win this war."

It is an eternity before Cade nods, the wisps darting away. "If you are certain."

"I'm certain."

A heavy sigh escapes him. "Very well."

I sit up straighter. "Really? You'll show me how to guard against this cloud?"

"Yes." Cade gestures over my shoulder. "First, go fetch a towel."

"What for?" I stand and search, my mind buzzing over what elaborate lesson the old man has planned.

"What do you think?" Cade raises his brows. "To clean up the tea."