Hey Aphony

Everything is just... I don't know. For the past few days, well at least a week or two, I was finally happy. The depression, the anxiety, it left me alone and I was once back to my happy, invincible self again. Sure, there were problems popping out here and there, and there were no solutions to either one of them. But... I handled it you know? I was able to withstand it, I was able to take it as a grain of salt because face it, we are just tiny specks of dust in this vast universe, and our problems only weigh that much because we make it that way.

So yea, I was happy, I was laughing for once. I didn't feel worthless anymore, I didn't feel like I was a spare gear in a clock known as Earth. I felt I belonged, and I felt I could finally relate with people, that I am not alone. That I am not fighting this inner battle single handed. I had people, I had support, even when its very minor and really small, I had support. I had a small circle of people that I don't know where I would be without them.

However, you probably guessed it, it didn't last again. This time, it isn't depression, or it could be, I don't know. I don't feel anything, which is something that bothers me. You see, remember these problems that I mentioned earlier? Well, they are tiny and silly if you look at it in one perspective, but in reality these problems are interwoven each other, tangling, forming knots, forming a kaleidoscopic spider web that I am trapped in.

Usually, I wont do anything about it, because if I struggle, more knots will form and the spider webs with be even more trickier to get out of. Though there are times, when I am in invincible mode, that I struggle and thrash until I am mostly free. I say mostly because a piece, a strand of the web, is always stuck to me whenever I get out of the situation, whenever I solve it. You know the saying, everything has a price? Something like that.

However, there are some problems which I really can't do anything at all, it's just not within my power. If I do something, like I said, more tangles and if I stay still, the invisible spider wont see me, as ironic as it is to be honest. But you know, sometimes.... Its hard to explain. How do I say it?

.....

Habituation.

Know what that is? Habituation? Well, its a form of learning in which an organism decreases or ceases to respond to a stimulus after repeated presentations. The organism then learns to stop responding to a stimulus which is no longer biologically relevant.

Or to put it simply, you get so used to seeing, witnessing, being in a particular situation so many times that you can't bring yourself to react. As you can see, my biology classes are taking on an interesting topic but anyway, that's beside the point.

The point is, I've been in this spider web a millions of times. I've done several different methods to get free, sometimes without a price, but mostly with a price. There are times where I do get chewed alive by the invisible spider, and there are times when the spider just leaves me be, as if sensing that I hold no value.

It's like being in a loop, over and over again. Stuck in situation, spiralling out of control. Do you know how it feels? To be in a situation as if someone is hitting the redo button over and over again. In fact, if life was a video game, how many times would you hit restart?

Well for me, I don't know. All I know is that I've been in the room of cobwebs so many times. I've done countless things to escape, but its like life is saying that you didn't do it correctly. Like it feels like a cruel game, where you have to do something specific in order to get out. It's like its forcing me to find the oddity, to find something or do something really, really specific in order without any mistakes. I don't know how okay? I really don't.

Then there are times when I make a pact with the spider, this is where the price comes in, well most of the time anyway. This spider, it will promise me to leave me alone, it will shower me with hopes that nothing bad will happen again and I have no choice but to make the pact because otherwise, I will just be stuck in that one point in time where my doom is inevitable.

Now the price, this pact last for a period of time. The catch is, I don't know when it will happen. It's like a nuclear bomb, a radioactive atom. You don't know when it will explode, you don't know when it will decay, its spontaneous. Now I don't want to get too scientific here but the whole pact, you can't predict when the time strikes to zero and there is nothing to influence it, nothing to warn you that its going to blast.

And I am back there again, the room of cob webs, the room of madness and despair. Now though, after being rewound in this loop for so many times, I don't know what to feel. I don't feel sad, I don't feel like fighting or struggling anymore. I don't feel like doing anything. It's like accepting my fate, but the spider is cruel by sending me to the loop over and over and over again, there is no end.

Now though, I really don't feel anything. It's like a part of me, the human side of me, died during the amount of time I have been there. Habituation, just like habituation. I no longer could react, I no longer feel like trying anymore. I give up, and that terrifies me. Because what can I do now? I don't feel anything, I should be feeling something but I don't.

I guess it means that the situation has gotten pretty pathetic. I got habituated with it, which is just pathetic because getting trapped in a cobweb that's woven a million times in the same way each time isn't something I should be used to. Knowing and accepting my fate isn't something I should be doing. Learning to not expecting anything from a promise, or believing it to be filled with lies and false hopes, isn't something I should feel. Knowing that after making the pact for the umpteenth time, and expecting it to expire isn't something I should know.

Well then, newsflash Aphony. I don't feel human today. I was once a girl who believed the world was a beautiful, and peaceful place, but I now I am nothing more than a shell of that girl. Everything about that little girl, died and vanished the moment she first stepped into the invisible spider's trap.