The adjustment has been brutal, to say the least. Despite my love for Darian, I have stayed a measurable distance from him ever since he... resurrected me. It has taken me a sizeable amount of time to get over the fact that the last thing I had of my family is gone.

That my light has been overrun by Darian's darkness.

When I look in the mirror, I no longer see myself but something that looks like me but isn't me. That day was an entire blur - most likely because I have found that trying to relive those memories isn't good for anyone... especially me.

I haven't been able to sleep for over a month and my wedding being in mere days does not help with the matter. I've never looked so haggard and sleep-deprived. I've become tortured by my own reflection it seems.

Everything I once loved to do has become a chore. The books on my shelves make my eyes hurt and the colours of the flowers in the gardens seem to have faded with time.

It is as though my whole perception of life itself has changed along with me. The kingdom I once knew isn't what I had seen before. I had once seen hope and greatness to come but now... I see nothing but darkness and gloom - things you shouldn't see in the kingdom you are to rule.

It's torturous that this is what life has come to but, in a way, it is also comforting. Comforting that life knows the exact way that I feel.

Despite how much I didn't want to leave Darian, it felt like it was my time. I was scared... Gods was I scared but it felt fitting - fitting that I was dying in the arms of the person I loved most.

I know Darian was only doing what he felt was right but I can't help the resentment that I feel towards him and I don't want to feel that. I want to love him... love him the way that he deserves to be loved.

"Dinner is served, m'lady," I look up to see Manin walking through the threshold - tray in hand. I furrow my brows at the sight. "Don't look at me like that."

"Serene... forgive me if I come across as rude but you look rather male-like," I tap my chin as though I am deep in thought. "Are you a guard now too?" I press and Manin rolls his eyes, evidently done with me.

"I wanted to speak with you and I offered to take your dinner up to help out Serene. She is rather busy these days," Manin informs me and my heart sinks by a margin. Heavens, do I know that Serene is busy. I've barely seen her in the last month.

"It's nice to see a familiar face. I haven't seen enough of those recently," I give him a faint smile and he returns it before walking towards the bed and placing the tray in front of me. I immediately dig in and savour the flavour of the food.

"I understand if you don't want to talk about this but Sire..." Manin trails off and I freeze at the mention of him. We've barely exchanged any words and Darian has even gone as far as to stay in another chamber that is as far away as possible from mine.

"You're right... I don't want to talk about it," I end it before anything starts and continue to eat. I'd rather not talk about this right now or ever for that matter.

"Sire wants you to join him tonight... in the gardens," Manin continues but I ignore him. "I will escort you or he will come and get you himself. He told me to remind you that he knows how stubborn you are."

"Then stubborn I shall be if he claims to know me so well," I huff and Manin sits on the edge of the bed. It's weird how comfortable he has gotten but I suppose we have all learned to keep each other close.

When Manin and all the guards had dropped to the floor... I had really thought they were dead. But, I had this nagging at the back of my mind that knew that it wasn't true, that I hadn't really just lost another person... people.

"You can't stay away from each other for much longer... the wedding is just around the corner," Manin urges and I roll my eyes.

"I need some space. I can't be around him right now it just... it doesn't feel right. We... we don't work well together - we have tried so many times but to no avail," I decide on confiding in him. It's not like I have anyone else. Serene is off completing her array of errands so much so that she barely has any time for me anymore.

"You wanna know what I think?" Manin questions and I try to hear him out. But I can only think about shutting off and ignoring him completely. He'll rave on about how we're destined to be, how everything has happened for a reason. And I really don't think I have the energy for it today.

"Are you sure you're at liberty to express your opinion?" I attempt at a joke to lighten the situation but his face remains neutral. I huff.

"It's not my place to say but I think you're just reaching for anything and everything that will put you further from him. I think you're more than willing to see the bad side of everything that happened that you're blind to what good has come from it. You're immortal... Nova. You have forever and a day and you want to spend it resenting him. I don't think you blame him as much as you think you do... I think you blame yourself more for still loving him."

My heart aches and my throat burns with emotion. "Get out," I whisper and Manin furrows his brows in questioning. "I said... get out," my voice betrays me and Manin stands - finally getting the message.

"I'm sorry if I have offended you, m'lady," Manin says before bowing and leaving the room. As soon as he leaves, my stomach churns. It's been very hard to keep my dinner down, nothing seems to agree with me.

Standing, I pull back the sheets and wrap them around me before sitting myself in the middle of the bed. Back facing the door, I stare through the window and into the night sky. The moon is particularly bright tonight. It seems to be my only source of comfort these days.

The only thing that takes my mind off of everything.

Trying to settle the ache in my chest, I try to take slow and deep breaths. I focus on the moon shining down on me, the feeling of the soft glow against my skin. My body seems to thrive in direct moonlight and the world seems brighter than it was.

Before I could barely see the tops of the mountains due to the immense darkness but now... now I can see miles beyond them. I can see the several towns of civilians, I can see the world that I yearned to be a part of. But, I knew from the start that that was not the life meant for me. I hadn't been deserving enough to walk through the streets of Merthia one summer night as the sky filled with colours beyond our knowledge of beauty.

Nova, that deep voice rings through my head and I almost feel relief at the sound of his voice. It almost brings tears to form in my eyes.

"Leave me alone," I barely manage to say, trying to hold back every emotion swirling inside me. It physically hurts how much I love him. And that is pain I cannot deal with. "Please."

"Nova," his voice is louder, clearer. It's when I feel the bed dip behind me that I freeze. When his hand touches my back I am rendered speechless. I want to move away, stop him from touching me but it's as though I am glued to the spot. "Talk to me," his voice is hushed and begging but I still can't move, can't speak.

His hand rubs small circles at the base of my spine.

I feel him move closer, the warmth of his body radiating towards the coldness of my own. I've been so cold. So cold. Like I am walking dead. That I have been dead this whole time and now I am reduced to a mere phantom.

"Darian," my voice barely reaches the air and his hand stops its movement. "I'm so cold," I whisper, trying to salvage any warmth from the sheets that I can. He's much closer now and my body almost immediately warms by our close proximity. As though I am ice and he is fire.

"Lay down," he says softly, his hand continuing to rub circles on my back. As soon as my head connects with the pillow I feel an immense wave of fatigue wash over me, trying to drown me.

It's when those familiar arms wrap around my waist, and he is pressed so closely against my back that I finally feel at home. When he kisses the back of my head, that faint electricity, that had been vacant inside me for so long, finally comes to life.

Hating feeling so distant, I take a deep breath and turn over to face him.

Darian's face seems to mirror mine - plagued with sleep deprivation. His eyes stare into my own, most likely shocked by the intense crimson of them. I hadn't truly seen him since that day. Gods, that day. It will forever be burned into my memory, never to be forgotten.

The very thought sends another chill to run through me and I close my eyes to regain composure. However, it doesn't seem to help the matter but much rather worsens it.

Everything floods my mind again, as though I am re-living it all. I feel every bone in my body break, I feel the rawness of my voice as another scream rips through me. I feel everything. I remember Agnis' grim smile as she contorted my body in ways that were not possible but somehow she still kept me alive. That goddamn meeting hall.

It's drowning me. I thought I had gotten past this. I'd taken the memories and pushed them far beyond reach. I thought it was over.

Heat surges through my body and my eyes snap open. I try to push against Darian's chest to get far away from him but his arms around my waist stop me. "What's wrong?" he asks, suddenly becoming far more alert and I can't even breathe.

I struggle to get out of his hold but he finally lets me go and I push the sheets off of me. The room becomes increasingly claustrophobic and the walls feel like they're trying to cut off my airways.

Launching myself out of the bed, I rush towards the balcony doors. I am more than aware that I must look like a madwoman right now but that is exactly how I feel as my thoughts crash into each other. "Slow down," I notice Darian also rushing to get out of the bed and it makes me rush even more.

As soon as the doors are open and the cold air hits my face, I stumble towards the railing. My hands grip the iron balustrade so tightly that my knuckles turn white. Head facing down, I try to steady my laboured breathing. I have never been more grateful for the cold.

Darian's hand touches my back again and I know that he does it in means of comfort but it only causes bile to rise in my throat. I can't stand people touching me anymore. It only reminds me of Agnis' magic wrapping its claws around my bones and splitting them in two. It was bearable earlier because it was him touching me.

But now... it's not enough.