can i get some mf uhhhhh comments on this chapter? thanks. if you finish reading this and haven't started my other book, Poison, you should do that. if you're up to date with Poison and are waiting on updates for both of these stories, then read one of my older books. or my newly finished book, As a Friend. if you've read everything i've written, i love u so much. enjoy this chapter :) even though you probably won't :) HAH GOTTA BLAST

"You can't just call things off," Nola tells me as I pace around my room. I run my hands through my hair once more as I stop and look at myself in the mirror. What have I become? This is my third time calling my sister this week just to talk about Cam. My friends won't hear it anymore. The second I brought up the words 'distance' and 'Cam' in a sentence, they shut me down and told me that they'll have no part in helping me ghost him.

"I'm not calling things off," I tell her with a flustered sigh. "I just...need to get my shit together."

"That's literally the excuse assholes give," my sister responds. "What you need to do is sit down with him and tell him how you feel and see where things can go from there."

"I know, Nola, but I can't," I say with a groan. I sit on the edge of my bed and put my hand on my face. "I literally can't."

"You're scared of commitment so you're retracting, which is the opposite of what you're supposed to do," my sister analyzes me. "I told you what I think."

"I can't just tell him, Nol," I exhale as I stand up again and start my usual circling of my room. I give a quick glance at the time and sigh. I'm supposed to be heading over there in ten minutes.

"You're going to regret calling things off with him," my sister chides.

"I already know how it'll play out if I don't call things off," I tell Nola. "Things may be fine now with us flirting and hanging out but eventually, he'll want to get more serious about his feelings and expect me to do the same, but I won't. And I imagine that if I'm as scared as I am now, that I'll be absolutely terrified and just ghost him completely at that point, like the piece of shit that I am."

"Are you sure you're not just scared that you're going to get your heart broken?" my sister questions me. "All you have to do is tell him that you want to take things slow and see how your feelings develop."

"But wouldn't I know if I wanted a relationship with him? I like him so shouldn't I want to be his girlfriend?" I retort with yet another frustrated sigh. "I thought that when you like someone, you want to be with them."

"That's not always the case, Fee. Sometimes, you like someone but you're so used to being independent that the idea of being with them is difficult to wrap your head around. You've been alone for so long and you've thrived that way that the idea of being with him is scaring you," my sister explains. "But he's a good guy and I think he'll understand if you just tell him that you need some time."

"He is a good guy and that's the exact reason why I don't want to hurt him," I conclude and my sister lets out a loud groan.

"I don't even know why I try with you. Everything I say goes in one ear and out the other. You're so stubborn, Felicity, you know that, right? I swear, you better hope he's nice enough to take your ass back when you go crawling back to him in a week because you miss him," my sister all but yells at me.

I let out a sigh as I press my fingers to the bridge of my nose. "Nola, I see where you're coming from, I do, but I know what I have to do," I tell my sister, who lets out a disappointed sigh. "Anyway, I'll call you some other time. I have to go over there now."

"Don't call me crying after-," she starts but I hang up, pocket my phone, and grab my purse, even though I know I won't be staying long. I try to calm myself down on the walk to his apartment, reminding myself that this is Cam and that he's understanding and he won't hate me, at least not too much. I reach the familiar yellow house and find him standing outside, perched against the railing of the porch.

"Hello," he greets me with his familiar, bright smile. I attempt to give him a matching one in return but the only thing I can force is a half grin.

"Hey," I breathe as I join him at the top of the steps. He leads the way into his apartment and I follow curiously. When making the plans, I really should've suggested that we grab coffee at Cuppa or somewhere more public. My thinking at the time was that he'd be in his own home and I could leave and not have to deal with the awkwardness that would ensue after my request for space. Now, I'm here being let into his apartment for the first time and I'm going to ruin the memory by asking him to stop talking to me.

"I'm not sure what'd you prefer: my friends being here or them not being here," Cam announces as he leads the way up the steps. I follow suit nervously, wondering which one would be better. It'd be awkward having to pass the guys after just 'breaking up' with Cam. But I don't really want to leave him here to be sad alone.

"Well, are they here?" I decide to question with a raised brow.

He hastily unlocks the apartment door, grips the knob, and turns to me with a teasing glare. His eyes search mine for a second and I can tell he's anticipating my reaction. I rock back and forth awkwardly on my feet, feeling the softness of my sweatpants rub against my legs. I press my hands against the inside of my pockets to rid them of the sweat.

"Nope, but that doesn't mean I'm going to have sex with you," he concludes with a tone of finality. I gape at him as he pushes open the apartment door and leads the way into his abode. I find that we're standing in the living room, which is surprisingly clean for an apartment that's always infiltrated by the male species. Aside from a few pieces of mail scattered on the table and a couple pairs of shoes by the door, it's fairly neat. My eyes take in the rest of the apartment as he leads the way down a hall, where I'm assuming his room is. Even better; I get to break his heart in his own personal space.

I get caught up looking at a painting on the wall, which was definitely put up by one of their mothers, and have to jog over to the opened door at the end of the hall. "You can connect to my speaker," he says from the depths of his room as I slow to a stop at the door. I vaguely recognize certain pieces of furniture from pictures he'd send me where it was merely a background image. Now here I am, in the place he sleeps and studies and does...other things.

"You can sit down, you know," he retorts as he stretches out across his bed. I venture deeper into the room and pull myself onto the edge of his red comforter.

I want to avoid staying for long so I don't bother playing music and instead, wave my phone around dismissively. "My phone's dying," I lie and he points to a charger near his bedside table. I could crawl up the bed beside him and plug it in but I opt for the other choice; I pull myself off the bed and plug it in, putting it face down so he doesn't see that it's already near full charge.

"Where's the music?" he asks before I can even sit down. "You can charge it and play music at the same time, Fliz."

I repress as sigh as I connect to his speaker and play the first playlist to pop up. It's a little louder than I'd like so I turn it down just enough so that we can talk over it. His eyes burns through me as I return to the edge of the bed and I have no choice but to meet his gaze, seeing as my phone is a few feet away, resting on his table. I return my attention to him and, for a second I admire his features. From his relaxed position propped against the wall, I can see his full figure without blatantly checking him out. He's still in his day clothes, which consist of a pair of joggers and a black sweater, which he's tugging the strings of. He's slightly overdue for a haircut and his curls are getting a little wild but I don't mind one bit. My mind drifts as I stare at him from my spot three feet away.

I can't help but wonder what the hell is going on in his head. Why does he still bother wasting his time on me anyway? I'm a pretty confident person but I can honestly say that I am not worth stressing over. I am not worth losing sleep over. I am not worth chasing. Yet here he is pursuing me like I'm a prize. A small, satisfied smile falls onto his full lips and I make an attempt to divert the upcoming topic of conversation, whatever it may be.

"Why are you still here?" I blurt without thinking it through. Way to ease into things, Fliz.

He doesn't seem too surprised at my statement but he does give a slow head tilt. "I live here," he answers in a state of slight confusion. "Where would you prefer I be?"

"No," I dismiss with a rapid head shake. "I mean, why do you still interact with me?"

"Why wouldn't I?" he replies with that same satisfied grin on his lips. I don't even bother feeling embarrassment and continue my interrogation.

I sigh, feeling frustrated at my incapability to convey my thoughts properly. "What do you want from me?" I attempt to clarify before hearing the hostility in my voice. Before he can react, I start again. "You don't want to be just friends. I know that much."

He lightly licks his lips and nods. "True," he agrees before falling back into silence. I wait a few seconds for him to continue but he doesn't, so I obviously start rambling again.

"But you don't want to have sex with me," I reply with a shake of my head. "So why are you still here?"

"Okay, first of all, I never said I didn't want to," he starts, which causes my eyes to widen. A laugh escapes from his lips at the way my head jerks back in pure surprise. For some reason, I assumed he'd never want to sleep with me. And for some odd reason, I was becoming okay with it. We stare at each other for a few seconds and he lets out a laugh of disbelief. "You seriously thought I wouldn't sleep with you?"

I stumble over my words as I blush. Why did the conversation even take this turn? "You made it clear you wouldn't. I'm not a creep who assumed I'd get you to 'come around,'" I ramble awkwardly.

He stares at me a little longer before a small smile makes its way onto his face. "And you didn't care?" he asks.

"You-I-I didn't even want to sleep with you! At first I did but-," I manage to get out after stumbling over my words. "I don't want to. So I don't care because it isn't my intentions either way."

"Are you sure about that?" he asks with his eyebrows tugged together and his gaze unconvinced. I let out a frustrated groan as I run my hands over my face, wishing I could wipe away the rampant blush. "Are you trying to set the mood or something?"

"What?" I ask, grateful for the topic change. Given, it's not going in a very hopeful direction but at least I'm no longer under fire for wanting to sleep with him.

He motions to the speaker on his bedside table, which is quietly playing a song about love. I let out an exasperated sigh as I mentally swear. I came here with a mission to call things off but this is what we're talking about. "You're insufferable," I conclude when he lets out a happy laugh. We both listen for a few seconds as the artist drones on about making out with someone in the backseat of a car.

"You know, if you want to kiss me again, all you have to do is ask," he announces with a wave of his hand. My narrowed gaze turns into a pointed glare as I shake my head.

"I didn't even want to kiss you the first time," I lie with a scowl. I know my attempts at fibbing are fruitless. I was very clearly interested in it when it happened. And it's all I've been thinking about since. "And remember, I told you that I'm not kissing you again." Plus, the last thing I need to do right now is kiss him. I'm trying to delicately end things but he's making it kind of hard.

"You didn't want to kiss me?" he asks in complete disbelief, even pulling himself into a full-fledged sitting position. Unfortunately for me, it brings him a lot closer than I intended to be to him today. "You're really going to lie that hard right now?"

"I didn't," I continue, which I know is only making things worse. I don't want to give him the satisfaction of admitting it.

"You literally moaned into my mouth," he reminds me, which doesn't help the red hue covering my cheeks, "more than once, might I add."

"I-you-ugh," I groan once again. Why does he always manage to trip me up?

"Exactly," he concludes and I glare at him. I'm not letting up now.

"It's just something I do occasionally," I attempt to cover up with a shake of my head. He's clearly not buying it by the roll of his eyes. "I'm serious!"

He leans in slightly and I can tell he's only doing it to gauge my reaction. "So if I kissed you right now, you'd moan into my mouth again?" he questions in a calmer voice. My stomach immediately clenches and my heart thuds wildly in my chest as I try to read his mind. Is he going to kiss me? I hate myself for hoping he does. That's not what I'm here for at all. Space, Fliz, tell him you need space. I could use some space right now and them maybe I could make a sound decision.

The only words playing in my mind are 'do it' over and over and I know they shouldn't be. I contemplate a response. Say no; move away; say no; move away, I mentally urge myself. "I don't know," I mumble when I realize he's brought the three foot gap down to one.

"Is it bad that I want to try?" he asks as his eyes lock themselves on my lips. I silently wonder if he has any idea how to do chest compressions because I'm going to need them soon at the rate my hearts going. I wouldn't be surprised if it sputtered out and died right now. Forgive me for not being prepared to be in a situation like this; I expected to come over here, stand in his living room, and tell him that we need a break. But no, that's not how things worked out. Nervously, I give a weak shrug and his lips tug back into a grin as he hovers inches away from me. "You can answer verbally, you know?" I feel his breath against my mouth and it takes all of my power not to jump forward on top of him.

"So you can hold it against me later?" I whisper back, feeling a bit anxious as I fall back onto my outstretched hands behind me. Maybe it'll buy me some thinking time. It bought me a few extra inches of space, that's for sure. In an attempt to seem sturdy, I keep my gaze locked with his. He maintains it, aside from the occasional glance towards my lips.

"I don't hold it against you," he replies with tugged together brows. "I just appreciate honesty. I'm a very honest person. For example," I can see where this is going, "I want to kiss you right now."

"I can tell," I decide to answer safely. What I want to do is jump on top of him and call it a night. I have to remind myself to be strong and to avoid being physical with him. That'll only make things harder on both him and me. But how the hell can I get out of this situation without bluntly rejecting his advances, which I so badly want to take him up on?

"Do you want to kiss me?" he asks and I repress the urge to tell him that I want to do a lot more than kiss him. Instead, I swallow nervously and shrug. That's a safe enough answer, right? "That's not an answer."

"Yeah," I say before I can catch myself. Shit.

He leans forward slowly and lightly presses his lips to mine, which gets a satisfied sigh from me. His mouth moves against my lips harder and faster, sending my heart into overdrive. My arms give out beneath me and I fall back against his bed; I assume it'll successfully end our six second long makeout session. Instead, he closes the gap again and holds himself above me. The plan, I attempt to remind myself. My hands nervously slowly snake around his neck and I feel my inner voice essentially give up. I urge him to come closer to me and I surprise myself by pulling him down so that he's resting on top of me. He lowers himself and allows me to eliminate the space between us as we continue kissing.

Butterflies. That is what I identify the excited emotion in my stomach as, and it sends a slight tremor of terror throughout my body. I don't want to be excited to kiss him. If we were sleeping together, it'd be a bit more plausible. But I'm getting butterflies because we're touching lips...and that's it.

I know better than to be doing this. I contemplate trying to start the discussion my sister encouraged me to have with him. What would I lose from telling him that I like him? I know he likes me so it's not a fear of rejection. It's just that for people our age, the next step would be to date. What's stopping us? Other than, you know, my crippling fear of commitment? It's clear to everyone who has ever met me that I'm not built for relationships. He's going to get hurt regardless of what I do and I'd rather end things now than let them escalate to the point where he loves me...but I like him and I don't want to have to stop talking to him. I continue having the same internal conflict that I've been dealing with for the past week and a half. I try to consider the one thing I haven't so far: trying out a relationship. The thought alone scares me enough to cause me to retract a bit. He notices this and pulls away, giving my face a brief once over before returning his dark eyes to mine.

"Are you okay?" he asks breathlessly. I feel my stomach jolt at the wild look in his eyes.

"I-I have to go," I announce abruptly as I move my hands to his chest and give a light shove. He allows me to and lands in a sitting position beside me. I shuffle out of his bed and rush to put my shoes on as he stumbles over his words.

"Are you okay?" he repeats as he watches me from his bed. I hop around his room as I try to put my shoes on without support. When I don't answer, he moves closer to the edge. "Flizzy."

"I'm fine," I conclude with a short nod as I grab my phone from his table. I quickly pause the music and avert my gaze. "I'll see you around."

I don't bother risking a glance at him as I hightail it out of his apartment. I hurriedly exit the building and start in the direction of my home. A familiar ache throbs in my chest as I silently swear at myself for letting things get this far. By the time I reach my apartment, I've contemplated going back to Cam's three times and even turned around once before convincing myself that the damage is done. That wasn't the cleanest break but it's better than what could've happened; I could've finished kissing him and left, never to text him back or return his calls. At least now he knows that I wasn't okay when I left and he probably expects me to ignore him; maybe it's a good thing that he's constantly on edge and expecting me to ghost him. After all, I am a piece of shit. Now all I can do is deal with the carnage I've created, but not before taking a night to recuperate.

As soon as I enter the apartment, I practically run to the living room. I find Mel and Gen, who are relaxing in their pajamas. "Guys," I start in an attempt to rally them into getting up and getting dressed. I need to do something. I can't be left alone with my thoughts. Knowing me, I'd mess around and call Cameron and attempt to explain myself, which would probably result in me trying to fix things.

"Aren't you supposed to be hanging out with Cam?" Gern asks, not removing her gaze from the television.

I shake my head dismissively and wave off the conversation. "Are there any parties tonight?" I question eagerly as I bounce on the balls of my feet.

"I'm sure there are," Gen shrugs, "but I'm not going out."

"Yeah, I don't feel like going out either. I have cramps," Mel complains and Gen snickers.

"Be happy you got your period, promiscuous girl," Gen mumbles, which gets a sharp nudge from Mel, who's wearing a small grin regardless.

"Come on guys, please," I insist as I rub my inner elbow with my thumb.

"What happened that you want to go out so bad?" Mel questions me and I simply shake my head.

"I-I don't feel like talking about it," I retort with a shake of my head. I know they won't go out with me if I tell them about what happened. "I just want to go out and have fun."

"Okay..." Gen trails as she glances at Mel, who is already shoving the blankets off of her. "I'll find something."

I give her a quick nod and she shimmies past me and down the hall. I follow and duck into my bedroom, shutting the door behind me. I quickly pick out an outfit and pull it on, not even worried about looking cute. I just want to find someone I can go home with. I know it's not the answer and I know I should know better. But I can't think of anything else to do to make myself feel better. So here I am falling back into my old coping mechanisms.

My friends hound me for an explanation all the way until we're standing in the living room of the party. "Look, I don't really want to talk about it," I blurt with a tone of finality to my voice. "And don't bother asking Axel or Ashton. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go."

"Where?" Mel blurts as she nurses the soda in her hand. She eyes me suspiciously and I don't know how to admit that I'm going to go sleep away my feelings. She seems to read my mind because she frowns a little. I can tell she's judging me. "What about Cam?"

"What about him?" I ask after crossing my arms. "He's not my boyfriend."

Gen sighs from behind Mel, who shakes her head disappointedly. "Whatever, Fee," she mutters before turning her attention to her drink.

I know what I'm doing is stupid. Hooking up with a random person most likely won't make me feel any better in the long run. But it will in the short term, which is what I'm looking for right now. The guilt will eventually go away. Like I said before, Cam's not my boyfriend and I don't owe him anything.

It takes a little while but I eventually stumble upon a cute guy who seems interested enough in me. He nods at me from his place across the room and I smile back, which starts the short lived chase. He's cute and I know that just a few months ago, I'd have considered him a good score. He's not giving off any weird vibes and seems chill enough. But for some reason, I can't help but feel slightly disinterested in sleeping with him, or doing anything for the matter. He hasn't even proposed the idea yet but I'm just waiting for it to happen. After nearly a half hour of talking, he glances over his shoulder and nods. "So do you want to get out of here?" he asks me, continuing the flirtatious tone of the conversation.

"Uh," I hesitate. I've never actually done this- flirted with a guy up until this point and then outright rejected him. The more time we spent talking, the more I started to convince myself that this isn't going to help me. In fact, I've made myself so disinterested in the idea of sleeping with him that I know if I go through with it, I'll probably regret it very much come tomorrow morning. I decide to put my current emotion first and shake my head. "Sorry, I can't. I came here with a friend and we have to leave together."

He gives me an understanding nod. "Maybe some other time?" he suggests and I give a weak smile, knowing that there will be no other time.

"I should probably go find my friend," I tell him, which gets another nod from him. I give another fleeting glance before starting in the direction of the dance floor, knowing good and well that my friends left and told me to come home whenever I was done doing whatever it is I was doing. I hail a ride and wait outside, feeling like an idiot.

I can make excuse after excuse as to why I rejected that boy back there. But the obvious one is Cameron. And I hate myself for it.

+++

Just as I expected, I wake up the following morning with a series of unread texts from Cameron. In addition to the ones I ignored last night, there are 6 in total, with three missed calls, though they date back to when I first left his apartment. I stare at the messages from my bundle of blankets and read them over and over again, feeling more and more like an asshole as I do.

Cameron: Hey, are you okay? Did I do something wrong?

Cameron: Flizzy, I didn't mean to force myself upon you if that's what it felt like. I'm sorry. Can you just call me back?

Cameron: Felicity, I just want to make sure you're okay.

Cameron: Please, can you just text me when you see this?

Cameron: I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable.

Cameron: I'm going to stop texting you now in case it's just making things worse. Please just text me back when you can.

My fingers hover over the message board for ten minutes before I lock my phone and bury my face in my pillows. I'm an asshole. I thought I was before but I know for a fact that I am now. He thinks he did something wrong. It was me; it was all me. I manage to pull myself out of bed and leave my phone abandoned in the heap of covers.

Mel is sitting at the kitchen table doing her homework. She doesn't even say 'good morning' to me when I enter the room. I know she's mad at me and she has every right to be. I silently make myself a bowl of cereal and take the seat across from her. She doesn't even peek up at me.

"Good morning," I say in an attempt to test the waters. Maybe she'll be petty enough to respond. She glances up at me this time and I shift a little in my seat. "I'm sorry."

"For which part? Dragging me and Gen out to a party last night just so you could find someone to sleep with? Or having Ashton blow up my phone for Cam so he could make sure you weren't a crying mess after you ran out of their apartment?" Mel asks and I perk up a bit at the latter. Did she at least tell him that I'm okay?

"Everything," I concur. "All of it. I'm sorry for all of it."

"So what happened last night?" she questions me bluntly and I scoff.

"Nothing," I tell her, "absolutely nothing. I couldn't bring myself to go home with anyone so I just came back here."

"I bet you felt like an idiot," she grumbles in a satisfied tone.

"I did," I concur before giving a slow nod. "I do."

"And what happened with Cam?" she questions and I remain silent. She looks back up at me before letting out a long sigh. "You ghosted him, Fee?"

I open and close my mouth before shaking my head. "It was so much more than that, Mel-," I attempt and she sits back this time and ties her arms across her chest.

"Are you going to talk to him again? Text him back? Anything?" she asks and I lock my gaze on my engorged cereal. "So you ghosted him, Fee. I don't know how you did it but Ashton told me that he feels like the biggest piece of shit. He thinks it was him."

"Can you tell him that it's not?" I bring myself to ask.

"Are you serious right now?" she asks and I don't have to look up to know the expression on her face.

"Please, Mel," I request. "I'm only going to hurt him again if I reach out. Can you just tell Ashton to tell Cam that it wasn't his fault?" I look back up at her now and she assesses my face harshly. "Please."

"Fine," she snaps, "but I'm doing it for him, not for you. I don't agree with what you did, Fee."

I give a slow nod of understanding. "Yeah, neither do I," I mumble as she refocuses on her textbooks. I stare down at my food and push the bowl away, no longer hungry. I can't help but feel like I really messed up.