Overwhelmed. I'm just overwhelmed.

Locking myself into my room with the plan to think, the first thing I do is just sit down on my bed, hug my bear and cry.

Danny paces in front of the door trying to get me to let him in. He talks about when we first met and about his childhood. If I could ever hate someone, it would be Danny's parents. He has never deserved their treatment, whether they wanted a child or not, they were blessed with Danny. Their loss is my gain.

For a long time he felt like he didn't matter, and nothing he could do would be good enough. But with my parent's love and encouragement, he learned his value and brought out a more positive Danny. I am so happy he came into our lives. Although he became something of a daredevil - he almost always comes home at the end of a weekend with a new wound, even an occasional broken bones, he still is a caring and loving friend. Nothing has kept him from his next adventure. He is determined to live life to the fullest.

Danny has become my constant friend and has protected me when others didn't feel like I was good enough to be part of their group. He told me that we would be friends - always, and he's never let me down.

Even after he's opened himself up, trying to get me to talk, right now I don't feel like talking with anyone. He whispers something through the door, before I hear his footsteps descend the stairs.

Throughout the rest of the afternoon, I let people knock on my door without answering it. Waking up a little while later to darkness in my room, I hear someone knocking on my door again.

"Please let me in, Tally," Danny calls through my door, but I choose to ignore him. I just don't feel like talking with anybody, including Danny - the biggest confidante in my life.

The next day, I am still confused about all of the information that has been thrown at me in the past 24 hours. What am I supposed to feel? I am upset, mad, feel betrayed, and I don't know where I fit in or belong in this world. I wonder about my birth parents. Are they still alive? Were their lives really in that much danger? Did they even want me to begin with? Where were they from? But thinking about all this only made me feel depressed again, because I feel that I wasn't wanted by my biological parents, the ones that were supposed to love me unconditionally from birth.

Even knowing I am lucky to have the parents I do have, it doesn't help the frustration I still feel not understanding or knowing the answers about my biological parents. Journaling only results in me writing the same questions over and over again, never really coming up with a concrete answer. My brain gets tired after a while, and I fall asleep. Strange dreams still plague me, and they don't help me to have a restful sleep, even though I get up and put them in my dream diary.

My mom's voice carries through the door sometime in the late evening. "Are you okay in there?"

I say nothing.  

"Tally, did you hear me?"

Silence. Soon knocking interrupts the heaviness in my room.

"I'll be fine," I answer before covering my head with the blanket.

People keep knocking on my door saying they brought me something to eat, but I don't feel like eating - I don't feel like getting out of bed. So I lay here and sleep some more. I've laid here so long I start to notice the cobweb in the corner of my lavender accent wall or the plant pictures I have on the wall are leaning slightly to the left.

This became my routine for several days, except for the occasional time that I get out of bed to look at the stars and think about my biological parents and where they are at that moment.

During one of these times, it's early enough to look into the woods behind my house and recognize what I'm seeing. Two shadows are standing at the edge. Momentary peace washes over me. When I look again, the two shadows are gone. The identity of the spirits will be a mystery, but none of  the spirits I've seen seem malicious. I'll put these sightings in my journal, too, since I have no one to talk to about this. I quit telling Danny a long time ago.

Sitting in my window seat, my mind races through the possibilities. Still nothing is getting resolved.

Some time later, I wake up with a crick in my neck and sunlight blinding me. I've fallen asleep against the pillows in my window seat. The faces of my family greet me from the bookshelf, along with the containers of shells I collected at the beach with Kaitlyn, the jars of dried herbs Spencer collected with me, or the box of friendship bracelets that have fallen off that Danny gave to me. I am surrounded by love, but that love doesn't answer the question: Who am I - Tallulah James?

Nothing is getting accomplished, I know this, so I let Danny in on the fourth day. He doesn't even ask, at first, if I want to talk, he just walks over to my bed and wraps me into a hug - something that feels safe and reassuring. He isn't happy about my appearance, but he doesn't say much about it - other than I need to take care of myself.

Eventually my stomach growls, and he convinces me to eat something. He goes down to the kitchen and brings up a tray with some of my favorite foods, like bacon, strawberries and yogurt, and pancakes with blueberry syrup. Yum. I can't eat much, so I share with him and enjoy the quiet companionship of an old and trusted friend. I let him put in a movie of his choice, so he picks Grown Ups. We lay back wrapped in my purple fuzzy blanket, and I actually have a good laugh with him.

When the movie is finally over, I turn to him with a questioning look. "I know you've been asking for the past three days, but do you want to know how I feel?"

"Of course I do, Tally. But I want you to come to me and tell me when you feel like it. When you want to, not when anyone pushes you to do so."

I smile broadly at him. He's so sweet to me.

"Danny, I'm not going to be able to move forward until I sort this out - well, my feelings at least."

"How do you feel?"

I stand up and pace to the window and then back to the bed.

"Angry, betrayed, sad, confused."

"All of those are reasonable, but what are you going to do from here?" he asks.

"There are so many questions left unanswered. Maybe I should go talk to Miriam again."

"Miriam?"

"The shop owner," I say.

"Oh, that old bat?"

I swat his arm. "Be nice Danny. We really don't know anything about her. She apparently has a purpose or reason for telling me at this point in my life. I'd like to know what that is. I'd like to know what happened to my biological parents - why did they give me up? Did they even love me? What is so secretive?"

"Those are all good questions, but you have loving parents who would give you anything."

"But the truth!" I shout, my heart racing, and begin pacing again.

"Mom and Dad wouldn't have kept information from you without a good reason, and you know it."

Stopping at my desk, I grip the edge and look down, before I turn and frown at him. "Well, apparently the only way I am going to know the answers is to march down to that shop and ask Miriam herself for the answers."

"Do you think that is a good idea?"

"It is probably the only way I am going to get over these feelings."

He walks over and puts a hand on my arm. "Do you want me to go with you?"

Smiling up at him, I reply, "I appreciate it, but I think this is something that I need to do on my own."

He lets go of my arm, backs up and looks out the window, crossing his arms. "If you say so."

I look up, and Danny looks hurt.  I assume it is due to not being asked to go with me. "Don't be that way. You know you will get all the details when I get home."

His face lights up, and I smile back.

Now to get dressed and head down to the natural healing shop to get some answers to the questions that have been haunting me.