I had thrown up.

Somehow Mathew was the stronger of us two when he guided me away from the body. We rode for hours, rode long enough that we had reached Garain. We had just passed their borders. We only had one more night together until we reached the castle.

I needed to keep myself distracted, if I gave myself time to think my mind would wander back to the blood on my hands.

"Clary..." Mathew called to me. "Clarissa..."

I knew what he was going to say from the sound of his voice. He had been trying to get me to talk to him, he believed we should stop but I needed to keep going.

His horse turned in front of my blocking my way. I tried to move around him but he moved his horse to keep blocking me.

"We need to keep going," I tried to sound convincing.

"No we don't," he frowned. "You have a gash on your arm that needs attention and you really need a friend right now. Faraine can wait for all I care."

He... he just put me before our kingdom. I knew how much he loved Faraine. That meant a lot. Maybe I could use a friend.

I sighed in defeat. "Fine."

I was expecting a smug expression but Mathew just looked relieved instead making me feel guilty for worrying him so much. He was supposed to worry me not the other way around.

"I know there is a healer's inn near here," he said. My eyebrows shot up in surprise. How would he know that? He gave me a shrug. "I memorized the maps too."

We found the healer's inn, it was fairly nice. There was a beautiful garden in the back and a private hot spring. It was not busy, there were two men here other than us and the workers. I had the gash on my arm disinfected and bandaged along with the other little cuts I had gotten.

Mathew tried to get me to eat but I couldn't really stomach anything.

"Come on, take another bite," he tried to encourage me.

I shook my head. "I'm not hungry."

"You have not eaten anything all day and you threw up whatever you had in you from the night before. You need to eat something," he said before picking up a warm spoonful of porridge. "Choo choo, here comes the train."

He teased as he brought the spoon to my mouth. I laughed about it shaking my head trying to move away. Mathew scooted in closer than he was before.

"Open wide Clary Wary," he cooed still trying to put the spoon in my mouth. The only person in the dining hall left before throwing us a look as if they were saying kids these days. I was slightly embarrassed but it felt good to laugh.

"Okay fine! Fine!" I said prying Mathew's hand off my face that was pinching my cheeks. I opened my mouth and he brought he spoon into my mouth before I closed my lips around the spoon waiting for him to pull it out. Mathew's once joking expression turned serious before removing the spoon. His eyes stayed focused on my lips making me heat up. I knew that gaze and I wanted it. I wanted him to kiss me, but I couldn't. Alana was one day away. How could I face his future wife?

I cleared my throats looking to my side away from the prince. "Thank you."

I snuck a look back him. He looked deflated, saddened. "I will always be there Clarissa, you know that right?"

I nodded my head. He was a good person. "I know, you're a good friend."

His smile fell before it came back up again. "Right, friends. Besides, I missed your laugh."

A small smile snuck its way onto my face. "It feels good."

"That's very good," his smile widened into a Cheshire grin. He tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear, resting his hand on my jaw. "You should always feel happy. Promise me you'll find someone that makes you happy."

I was taken by surprise. I could see the pain behind his words but I could also see the sincerity. The least I could offer him was this promise. "I promise."

"Thank you," he let out a breath of relief. He slowly released his hand from my jaw. He shot me a weak smile. "I got us two separate rooms beside each other. Now don't get too sad, I am more than happy to change the sleeping arrangements."

He wiggled eyebrows suggestively making me slap his arm earning a boisterous laugh from him that I found contagious because I was joining him.

The sun had not set yet. We spent the remainder of our time taking a walk around the garden. I was surprised how the prince was not scared of me. Instead, he did a perfect job at making me forget my dark thoughts. His presence was like a breath of fresh of air. I felt free, happy, and comfortable. Like I didn't have to prove myself, like I didn't have to pretend I was something I was not, and I could do or say whatever and not be judged. It was refreshing. Being with him was what home should feel like. A feeling one only dreamt of, and I loved it. I was afraid that once we got to our normal lives he would forget me. Or when he got married to Princess Alana he would no longer make time for me. Even though I could not be with him, I would have still liked to be his friend.

The sun had set when we both went into our own rooms to sleep in. I tried going to sleep but every time I closed my eyes I remembered that I had killed someone. Would I ever get over it? How did my father get over it? I had crossed the line of no return. My body started to shake. I couldn't be alone with my thoughts. I couldn't. Slipping on some pants, I slowly crept into Mathew's room hoping he would be awake as well.

"Clary? Is everything okay?" he said with a sleepy voice. I think I might have woken him up.

This was a bad idea. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you. I will just leave now."

"Wait--" He sat up straight. "You obviously came here for something, what is wrong?"

Should I tell him?

"I couldn't sleep. I just keep thinking about--" My voice got caught in my throat.

"Shhh... come here," he said lifting up his blanket and patting beside him. I came here with the intention of sleeping just in the same room, not under the same blanket. I knew it was a bad idea but I just needed it right now. I slipped under the blanket next to him inhaling his wonderful smell that was absolutely unique and breathtaking. It was a good thing I wore my pants before coming in here or else that would have been embarrassing. Normally I slept without pants, but I could make an exception for today.

He was being so good to me, so nice and understanding after he witnessed me murder someone.

"How do you still treat me well?" I asked.

Mathew furrowed his brows in confusion. "What do you mean?"

"I killed a man and you act as if nothing happened," I replied feeling the bile rise up my throat again.

Mathew tucked a piece of my hair behind my ear giving me a very serious look. "Clary, are you crazy? That man was going to kill us. What you did was what any one would do, it was self defense. It was also your job, you saved us. You are so brave and strong and noble. Don't you ever think of yourself as anything lower. If you do, I will always remind you of how amazing you are."

"How is it you always know what to say?" I choked in a breath.

Mathew let out a chuckle before wrapping his arms around me and pulling me to his chest. He lay his chin on top of my head. I forgot how to breath and I hoped he could not feel my erratic heart beat the way I could feel his against my chest. "Can I confess something?"

"Always," I said breathlessly.

"If he had killed you back there, I wouldn't have minded dying," he said in a low tone.

"You don't mean that," I croaked.

"I do," he said in a deep voice. "I can't... I just... I am happy you won."

I swore in my head at how stupid I was but I went ahead with it. I wrapped my arm around Mathew pulling our bodies closer. Mathew gave me a squeeze as well. Tonight was our last night alone and I was going to take advantage of it. I was going to forget my job, forget Faraine, forget Princess Alana. All I was going to focus on was Mathew.

***

I knew it was good while it lasted when morning came around. I pretended to be asleep just to savour this moment. I had actually slept very well. It was the first time in weeks that we had slept on a mattress and not on the ground. I guess Mathew felt that too because he was still deep in his sleep with the way his breathing hadn't changed. I had woken up to find my back to his front. His head was nuzzled into the spot between my neck and my shoulder and his arm around my waist. His hand slipped under my shirt that had slightly risen over night, tracing little torturous patterns on my stomach. I bit my lip and held my breath, holding back a shiver from running down my body. I needed to create some distance between us because he was driving me insane. I tried pushing his hand away but he just mumbled something against my neck before bring his hand back. I tried pulling his hand away again but this time he just mumbled to stop it.

I let out a frustrated sigh. "Mathew..."

He placed his hand on my stomach tracing his torturous patterns again. I grabbed his hand in mine, lacing my fingers around his. "You need to stop."

Was he dreaming?

He mumbled something like I don't wanna.

I groaned ready to pinch him but the prince placed a light kiss on my neck. A loud gasp left my mouth.

"... yes I do like pudding," he mumbled. Of course he was dreaming.

I quickly scurried away from him trying to regulated my breathing. I could not believe that just happened, even if he was half asleep. Upon my sudden movement, Mathew woke up startled.

"What's going on?" He rubbed his eyes trying to look around to see what was occurring.

My hand unconsciously reached for the place on my neck where he kissed. I narrowed my eyes at him. "What were you dreaming about?"

A blush covered his cheeks before he ran his hands down his face with a groan. "Did-- did I do something?"

"Do you remember anything?" I raised an eyebrow.

I could still see his deep blush that matched mine. "I am scared to answer that..."

I sighed in defeat. Maybe if we both forget it happened we could move on. He was asleep after all. Mathew looked shy as he pointed to my torso. "Your shirt is..."

I looked down to find that my shirt was still risen exposing my stomach. I quickly pulled it down, my face burning in embarrassment. Thanks a lot Mathew.

"I will be packing the horses, do not take your time," I pointed my finger at him before escaping there as fast as I can. I could not believe that had just happened. It was hard to get over feelings for someone if they did something like this. I was in deep trouble.

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I am going to go back to trying to publish one chapter per week. My new semester started and I'm just busy with uni and work. I hope you all can understand.

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