I am a hostage to my dream. Leaving it is impossible. Even if a part of me wants to go back. The price is too high ... but I must go on.

LoG, 217

The gentleness of the soft green sheet under Nalina still puzzled and surprised her after so many Big Ones.

She woke up in the far left corner of a massive bed with a canopy, just as she used to do when she was a child. Her eyelids were half closed. Mild cramps bothered her every Light. Nalina sometimes thought all of this was only a dream. I will wake up any moment now. I will see my parents, my brothers and sisters. All five of them, pushing each other on a single bed.

She remembered how they used to prepare for bed. Dad would lie down first; then her mom would lie beside him. They would be sleeping head to feet. "We occupy less space like that," they would say.

Then, according to their age and alternately placing heads and legs, like a horizontal human pyramid, they would all lay down in the same order. Miglena, Borna, Sobik and finally Nalina.

The bed touched the wall with the side that dad would usually occupy so that Nalina would always get the worst of it. Ofttimes, it would happen that, in the middle of The Dark, her siblings would push her away from the hard, grey bed. Then Nalina would remain curled up on the floor like some abandoned kitten, trembling, waiting for The Light and trying to fall asleep, not daring to make a sound.

Until she was four Big Ones old, dad would pity her, and they would trade places so that she would get the best spot, just next to the wall.

It didn't last long.

Mom thought it wasn't fair to the rest of the children. "She's big enough now," she would say. "Let her fight for her place."

Later, Dad slept less and less at home, in their tiny Namas, at the furthest end of Inns. Fourteen Big Ones ago, when Nalina was only six, The City of Lagad began The Water War against the people of Lug. Everyone, not just the Vigils, was forced to participate. There weren't enough people. The Leader of The City of Lagad, Gidenar, was convinced that anyone could turn the military tide in favour of their town. That was why he enlisted almost entire population. Sometimes it would be months before Nalina could see her dad. This didn't prevent Miglena and Borna from continuously pushing her out of bed.

Nalina now opened her eyes completely, blinking, and looked at the right side of the bed out of habit. I'll never get used to this. The bed is just too big, Nalina thought with a gentle smile, and then the sadness crept upon her.

Three metres by three metres were the dimensions of this wooden monster overshadowed with a light green baldachin. "This bed is a room by itself. What am I saying, a room? It's a whole freaking house!" she exclaimed aloud and then covered her mouth with her hand.

Nalina was so accustomed to her fifteen square metres, one chamber Namas. In it, all of them could fit only on one worn-out bed. There was also a small fireplace, a half-rotten dining table, and two broken stools; the family of six were living in one room, but she could always say something and receive a reply.

"Here, by saying things out loud, I keep feeding rumours I'm crazy," Nalina added, whispering to her chin. She got up, rubbing her dreamy eyes.

Nalina looked around the familiar room full of glass vases with white roses. Her tiny, pale feet joyfully hugged a dense, soft, viridescent carpet. Above her head, there was the coat of arms of The City of Lagad: a stone mushroom resting upon a water-filled barrel. While one wall was decorated with hand-embroidered tapestries representing various scenes from the city's history, others were painted with wild plants and multi-coloured flowers.

The fire was already fluttering with joy in the stone fireplace. Above it, a portrait of a smiling girl in a long, elegant, emerald dress hung in the pricey wooden frame. Nalina slightly wrinkled her nose, but it cheered her up to see the faithfully displayed features of her face. On the canvas, she seemed surprised and at a loss for words, as if it embarrassed her to be there. It looked as if the artist made her to pose by force.

Well-polished, shiny wooden floor mats made of mahogany were arranged in a three-sided geometric pattern, contributing to the general decorative impression. The whole set of furniture in her bedchamber was carved out of dark wood, including the two bed stands where the night oil lamps were placed. There was an almost entirely black desk with two cushy, comfortable tawny armchairs, an armoir with a huge mirror and a plethora of tiny drawers.

The only piece that stood out from a harmonious whole was a rebellious wooden table. The table from my other life. It was the first place where she would sit at every Light. Nalina always had many ideas to jot down after waking up.

"Mom ... Mother," she corrected herself nervously, "was so angry when I told her I wanted to transfer our table from Namas to my new bedchamber."

Rare free afternoons she had, Nalina spent precisely at this desk. She would lean her head on her elbows, daydream and write down various ways of preparing herbal mixtures. Just the previous Light, she committed to paper the properties of the recently discovered plant, valerian. "It seems ... That ... it has ... Soothing ... Effect ... On patients in Curatory... During the complicated surgeries."

She added the last sentence in her brown, leather-bound notebook. Nalina was briskly scratching with the feather, somehow managing her handwriting appear legible. "That's it," she muttered, turning the new page where she scribbled: "Marigold ointment: heals wounds???"

She spent almost a week in The Kitchens, drying the marigold flower and leaf and making teas, creams and oils. Today after The First Meal I will finally try it out. I hope that it indeed relieves the burns and swelling, just as I suspected.

Nalina walked over to the boudoir, somewhat half-heartedly. On her way there, her eyes fell on the book she was reading until late with the light of the oil lamp. She smiled.

"Omnibus Guide: Thousand Medicinal Plants," volume III, will have to wait for me to return from the Curatory.

She sat on a soft, comfortable chair and stared at the massive mirror. A young, twenty Big Ones old, heart-shaped dreamer's face greeted her. On it, danced a slightly upturned nose, childishly plump cheeks, almond eyes and full, sensual lips. It was framed by a somewhat wavy, light-brown hair that descended to Nalina's waist.

Anyone who would first lay his eyes upon Nalina couldn't help but notice her sincere, broad smile. The girl had a warm, innocent look about her. Her body grew and flourished, but her face remained the same, soft and unspoiled, resisting the passage of time and bad life experiences.

Encounters with own reflection didn't last long for Nalina. It always embarrassed her to look at herself in the mirror. She experienced her being as a network of twinkling thoughts and ideas. When she sometimes caught a familiar face rippling on a flat silvery surface, she would freeze, surprised there was a form to her essence.

The body is just a shell in which I live, she often thought.

Nalina wasn't very interested in what she looked like. Yet she knew well what her mother expected of her. What the norms of social responsibility were. She respected them only to prevent people from talking. Nalina was sensitive to other people's opinions about herself, and she tried hard to always make them positive.

Carried away in her thoughts, Nalina hit herself on the head, cleared her throat, and announced out loud: "You may come in." The girls must have been waiting there for a long time. I should have called them sooner, Nalina thought, guilt nibbling at her.

Two servant girls entered her bedroom chamber. Their hair was cut short, and they were wearing simple beige cloth form-fitting overalls. A worker's T-shirt, worn underneath, was also beige. On their legs, rested beige linen slippers.

All the servants of Waterfort, or Mushroom, as its inhabitants popularly called it, be they female or male, were clad in this same suit. It seemed as if they were completely bare in front of their masters.

Like their goal was uniformity, Nalina thought. As the cell is the basic unit of a living organism, the "servant" could also be defined as "the basic unit of the human being."

Nalina's face first reddened as she observed the tense tips of girls' nipples she could easily see through the almost transparent clothing.

I wonder if their underwear is beige too? She quickly scorned herself for such strange thoughts and somehow mustered the strength to look up again.

The servants simultaneously dropped on their knees.

The girls are so synchronised. It's as though they were practising this moment. I wonder if they'll pronounce The Light speech at the same time. Now that would be worth hearing!

"We welcome You, Your Majesty, Princess Nalina. Glory to The Mind and Gratitude to The Fount." The would-be-twins recited from the floor, and Nalina's lips blossomed into what she hoped was an imperceptible smile.

Yes, they did it.

Then she knelt on the ground and touched their shoulders. The servants stiffened, confused and angry, not daring to lift their heads off of the wooden boards.

"I'm very sorry that I didn't invite you to come in before. I woke up late and then I needed to write a recipe that ..." Nalina shut up, remembering herself.

Idiot! They don't care about those things. Why am I trying to talk to them, anyway?

"Please, there's no need to kneel before me. I've told you this many times," she added, desperately, not knowing what else to do to make them do as she wanted.

The stubborn girls didn't move although Nalina thought she caught a glance they exchanged. That glance was full of suspicion. Then both shook their heads.

Really now? She thought, peeved. Here everything is done according to the formal protocol. They merely shout out the ready-made sentences that they expect me to return equally, with the expressions predetermined in advance. Who would've known that people are angry and afraid when you behave nicely towards them? They must have gotten accustomed to the coldness and rudeness. This is why they are surprised if someone treats them differently. They probably think that's how it should be. I am a princess, and they are servants. They don't know until recently I was a servant myself, not a princess.

"Glory to The Mind, and Gratitude to The Fount," Nalina parroted back tiredly, giving up. I will try again the next Light. They will have to come to their senses sooner or later. They must understand I want them to address me as if they were my equals. Because they are. We are all equal.

On this sign, the girls straightened up and opened the wooden door, looking downwards, bowing before her. "The Lavatory, if you please," they announced unanimously.

She followed them into a spacious stone corridor, not seeing another option. Wandering through various passages seemed like an eternity to Nalina. She was thankful that both girls were there beside her. Silent and omnipresent, they were urging Nalina to turn left or right with their bodies.

This palace is a real maze. Well, at least they know where they are heading, Nalina encouraged herself, winding through the corridors alongside them at a breakneck speed. Better not stay behind! I wouldn't want them to think I don't remember where the Lavatory is. Which I don't.

Finally, her companions stopped. Nalina fell out of step with them, so she had to go back a little.

"Ah, there we are," Nalina said in a "by the by" tone, trying to act self-assured and confident. "Thank you for accompanying me. What were your names again?" she inquired in a cordial manner. As she supposed, she didn't get the answer. Of course, they won't tell me. Figures.

The girls opened the door for her. Nalina stepped into the magnificent white marmoreal lounge which emitted the scent of salt and roses. No matter how much she strained her eyes, Nalina couldn't see the end of The Lavatory. Dozens of spacious marble pools dominated the room, filled to the brim with warm steaming water.

The girls removed Nalina's clothes, and then literally pushed her into the first pool. They placed her to sit on the first step, in shallow water, with her back resting against a cold white wall.

Ow! I feel like a wooden doll, honestly!

Briskly and routinely, the servants grabbed the brushes and bottles with scented salt and rose oils.

"I ..." Nalina began, blushing. "There is no need for you to ... I can do it myself ... No? Okay then." She eventually conceded maids' actions and obediently returned to a seated position. Nalina was now ready to endure their invasion of her privacy with patience. She knew it was futile to fight against this well-coordinated team.

Four hands quickly flew over her skin, washing her face, massaging her back and neck, rubbing her palms and soles. Nalina stiffened when skilful fingers found her soft breast and her crotch.

Not down ... There.

She dove into her memories to suppress her thoughts on what was happening. It worked, as she prevented herself from blushing even more. There was no Lavatory in a Namas that Dad could afford. We went out into the makeshift toilet made of boards when we needed to relieve ourselves. We bathed once every thirty Lights, all of us in the same water, in a massive ancient wooden barrel. Water ... Back then it was so valuable to us, so close and yet so far. A tiny droplet visited us in our sleep, persecuted us, becoming the obsession of our dry bodies and burnt lips.

That was the only thing Nalina was looking forward to while she was in The Lavatory. To be surrounded by water. If I could, I would dive below the surface, sink my whole body into this beneficial moisture. I would never return to the droughty land, she fantasised.

The servant's hand suddenly interrupted her thoughts. It was now disentangling her ravelled messy locks, covering them in rose oil. Nalina winced. She didn't complain. It's already enough she has to bathe me, I don't want to shout at her for tugging on my hair too. She certainly didn't do it on purpose.

"Watch out, you cow! Do you have any idea how strongly you pinched me!" Nalina heard an annoyed voice.

She rolled her eyes first and then smiled. Miglena got up too. She's in the other pool.

Nalina shook her head, thinking this wasn't the way her older sister was supposed to treat the servants. Although, it's not up to me to tell her how she should behave. Perhaps she'll change over time and realise that she shouldn't hurt someone else's feelings in this way.

"Miglena!" Nalina called out, hoping that her sister was close to her.

In this colossal Lavatory, I could call her for hours without her even hearing me, it occurred to Nalina, and that thought amused her.

Still, Miglena seemed to be in the nearby pool, because only a few seconds later she materialised next to Nalina. Her older sister was utterly naked. Water was dripping from her ample body, full of fat deposits.

Nalina helplessly closed her eyes. What is it with people and nakedness? Put something on, sister, in the name of The Mind!

She didn't dare say it out loud. If there was a person whom Nalina didn't want to resent her, besides her mother Gospava and her older brother Borna, it was Miglena.

Miglena was pale just as Nalina herself was, but good two heads shorter, ball-shaped and plump. Her arms and legs were diminutive. She resembled a barrel that waddled around, rolling down the castle. The girl was a copy of her mother. The same pitch black, short-cut, curly hair, charcoal-coloured squinty tiny eyes, a huge frog-like mouth and a double chin adorned her rounded pumpkin head.

The children of Milen and Gospava were each one younger than the next. Miglena was twenty-six, Borna twenty-four, Sobik twenty-two and finally, Nalina was twenty Big Ones old. Miglena often mocked and bullied Nalina, while Nalina usually tried not to pay attention to her sister's words, consoling herself that such behaviour would fade away.

I think if ... If I behave the best I can, the most loving and most desirable I can towards everyone ... They will sooner or later return the affection in the same way. Roughness begets roughness. I only want to avoid conflict, was Nalina's attitude on this issue.

"Look who finally dignified us with her presence," Miglena's voice was dry. Her older sister placed her hands on her hips and narrowed her pupils, as she glared at Nalina.

"I know, I'm terrible. I can't believe I slept so much. Would you look at that; you've already finished in The Lavatory! You only need to get dressed now, and you can head straight to The First Meal," Nalina approved of her sister's critical tone. "I'm not even halfway there."

Wanting to change the subject somehow, she decided to ask Miglena something she might like.

Who doesn't like a person interested in hearing about other people's interests and who has the gift of listening to others? Nalina thought.

"Have you already decided which dress you'll wear today?"

Instead of a direct answer, Miglena first touched the previous theme. "Well, watch it next time, Nalina. Why do you always get up so late? It wouldn't surprise me at all if you missed The First Meal, and you know how the mother gets. And don't tell me you'll go to The Kitchens later, as you do every Light?"

"Yes, I believe mother will get angry." Nalina sighed. "Perhaps I'll drop by The Kitchens for a little while. Just for five minutes." she was cautious.

Miglena only retorted with contempt, "Do what you want," but then her face cheered up when she remembered Nalina's second question. "Today I shall don a pink dress, with short sleeves. You know which one I mean? And then there's the makeup ... I don't even know what hairdo to go with for this Light," Miglena's voice fluttered around the Lavatory like a careless butterfly.

Nalina smiled. She liked seeing Miglena so enthusiastic and carried away. It didn't happen often. The key to her joy was to mention one of the three things her big sister liked: fashion, food and handsome men. Probably it's best not to tell her she should not wear tight-fitted dresses that reveal her legs, and that her hair is too short for an unusual hairstyle. She seems happy. I cheered her up. Let her dress as she wants. Everyone should do what he or she wants.

Remembering her stature, Miglena frowned again and looked down at Nalina, now wrapped in a soft cloth. "Are you done?"

"I don't know," Nalina burst out laughing, and her sister shook her head in a sign of disapproval. "Am I free to go?" Nalina said and peeked at two maids as a carefree child in a game of hide-and-seek.

They bobbed their heads up and down without a word.

"It looks like I am. Off to the bedchamber for us both to get dressed," Nalina added good-naturedly. "I'll see you soon, okay?"

Miglena acknowledged Nalina's words with a harsh nod. Then she left The Lavatory, her head rising high.